Why does dating have to be a game?

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nomoretears
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09 Dec 2014, 9:24 am

Vomelche wrote:
nomoretears wrote:
Heres one I have really struggled with.

"Why dont you come over for a cuddle/watch a movie/dinner."
In my younger days I didnt realize that meant, "Lets have sex." Guys would be confused or even angry because they expected sex while I expected to watch a movie. If he wanted sex, why not be honest and not waste my time?


Because some women might not like it if a guy asks for sex directly. This is the problem of the expectation to be politically correct or following some social norms, as aspiemike also pointed out. It is quite common, and it creates communication issues.

I also agree that playing games is more of an immature thing. Experienced people skip the games and bureaucracy, and go straight for what they want.


...And I think that's totally stupid. I'd rather know exactly where a man stands. I don't want to waste my time. If I'm spending time with a man who only wants one thing, i'm not spending time with a man who wants to get to know me.



yellowtamarin
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10 Dec 2014, 2:52 am

mpe wrote:
Vomelche wrote:
nomoretears wrote:
Heres one I have really struggled with.

"Why dont you come over for a cuddle/watch a movie/dinner."
In my younger days I didnt realize that meant, "Lets have sex." Guys would be confused or even angry because they expected sex while I expected to watch a movie. If he wanted sex, why not be honest and not waste my time?


Because some women might not like it if a guy asks for sex directly. This is the problem of the expectation to be politically correct or following some social norms, as aspiemike also pointed out. It is quite common, and it creates communication issues.

I also agree that playing games is more of an immature thing. Experienced people skip the games and bureaucracy, and go straight for what they want.


I was thinking more along the lines of AS/ND people tending to prefer direct communication. i.e "call a spade a spade". Whereas NT people can use ambiguous terms and expect "hidden meaning".
I'd never even though of "cuddle"/"watch a movie"/"dinner" as having much to do with sex. Except for cuddling as "foreplay", but desirable in itself.

They can all be a kind of foreplay. I don't think, generally, that when a guy says this he actually means "let's skip the thing I actually suggested and go straight for the sex". If that's happening consistently then I think the girl is attracting a certain kind of guy. What I think it means is that he intends to do the thing that was suggested, but is more than happy for that to lead to sex at some point in the evening. The main hint there is not the activity being suggested, but the part that says "come over". If you are invited to his house, where his bedroom is, it would be reasonable to assume that he may be at least open to the idea of sleeping with you.

And in response to the post above this one, that doesn't necessarily mean he isn't also interested in getting to know you (in other ways than just physically).



sly279
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10 Dec 2014, 4:43 am

wait. is that common that a guy inviting girl to his room means sex?

isn't what I would mean it for. I live in my room so its just having them there and cuddling I hope.



yellowtamarin
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10 Dec 2014, 4:59 am

sly279 wrote:
wait. is that common that a guy inviting girl to his room means sex?

isn't what I would mean it for. I live in my room so its just having them there and cuddling I hope.

Inviting to his house doesn't necessarily mean sex (as described in my previous post) but inviting to his ROOM is much more likely to mean sex. If you invite a girl to your room, expect that she may think you want sex.

But it depends of course on the dynamic already established between the two of you. It may already be clear that that is not what you mean, through previous actions and how well you know each other, etc.



nomoretears
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10 Dec 2014, 5:32 am

sly279 wrote:
wait. is that common that a guy inviting girl to his room means sex?

isn't what I would mean it for. I live in my room so its just having them there and cuddling I hope.


Yup. Really just inviting a woman to this house/ car /anywhere they may end up being alone. In my experience, its very rare for a man to mean he just wants to cuddle. Ive tried giving plenty of men benefit of a doubt, but 98% of the time it was a ruse. Maybe nts do this all the time, but to me it seems like lying and trickery.



Vomelche
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10 Dec 2014, 9:38 am

mpe wrote:
I was thinking more along the lines of AS/ND people tending to prefer direct communication. i.e "call a spade a spade". Whereas NT people can use ambiguous terms and expect "hidden meaning".
I'd never even though of "cuddle"/"watch a movie"/"dinner" as having much to do with sex. Except for cuddling as "foreplay", but desirable in itself.


Yup, this is definitely more of an NT thing, vague and subtle hints is the way to go at least in the first stages of the relationship. Aspie communication is more effective though imo.



sly279
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11 Dec 2014, 9:55 pm

yellowtamarin wrote:
sly279 wrote:
wait. is that common that a guy inviting girl to his room means sex?

isn't what I would mean it for. I live in my room so its just having them there and cuddling I hope.

Inviting to his house doesn't necessarily mean sex (as described in my previous post) but inviting to his ROOM is much more likely to mean sex. If you invite a girl to your room, expect that she may think you want sex.

But it depends of course on the dynamic already established between the two of you. It may already be clear that that is not what you mean, through previous actions and how well you know each other, etc.



but my family/roommates live in the house too, so i'd have to invite her to my room so we could spend time together. :S

nomoretears wrote:
sly279 wrote:
wait. is that common that a guy inviting girl to his room means sex?

isn't what I would mean it for. I live in my room so its just having them there and cuddling I hope.


Yup. Really just inviting a woman to this house/ car /anywhere they may end up being alone. In my experience, its very rare for a man to mean he just wants to cuddle. Ive tried giving plenty of men benefit of a doubt, but 98% of the time it was a ruse. Maybe nts do this all the time, but to me it seems like lying and trickery.


I love cuddling, though there is a reaction after a while where i start to hump which can either lead to me stopping/her asking to stop or some fun making out and dry humping. I'd say make love or sex if that was what I wanted. the dry humping a unfortunate reaction to my hormones and bodies touching. I wish it did't happen :'(

car? doesn't make sense how would you then get rides from guys if it was always about sex?

did they dry hump you? if so might not been a ruse but just unconscious reaction.



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12 Dec 2014, 11:25 am

Image

The box says it's based on a 'Television' program. So I would say its technology driven.



Butterfiend
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12 Dec 2014, 12:14 pm

Toy_Soldier wrote:
Image

The box says it's based on a 'Television' program. So I would say its technology driven.


Lol wow.


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12 Dec 2014, 4:28 pm


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KayteeKay
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04 Jan 2015, 8:43 am

Well, I don't play dating games. If I like a guy, I'll say yes if he asks me out. If I don't? I won't.



Nighty
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04 Jan 2015, 8:55 am

Butterfiend wrote:
Why is dating a game? What's worse is that it seems that the rules aren't even written down. There's just too many subtleties that make no sense to me.


I agree, mate. Making dating into a 'game' makes no sense to me either. :?



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06 Jan 2015, 3:13 pm

KayteeKay wrote:
Well, I don't play dating games. If I like a guy, I'll say yes if he asks me out. If I don't? I won't.


But there are ways to be more likable, hence the game exists.



KayteeKay
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06 Jan 2015, 9:15 pm

Vomelche wrote:
KayteeKay wrote:
Well, I don't play dating games. If I like a guy, I'll say yes if he asks me out. If I don't? I won't.


But there are ways to be more likable, hence the game exists.


I'm not into games. If someone doesn't like me (or I don't like them), well, why on earth would I play some sort of game to make them like me? Or vice-versa.

Makes. No. Sense.



yellowtamarin
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06 Jan 2015, 10:13 pm

KayteeKay wrote:
Vomelche wrote:
KayteeKay wrote:
Well, I don't play dating games. If I like a guy, I'll say yes if he asks me out. If I don't? I won't.


But there are ways to be more likable, hence the game exists.


I'm not into games. If someone doesn't like me (or I don't like them), well, why on earth would I play some sort of game to make them like me? Or vice-versa.

Makes. No. Sense.

I've definitely witnessed people being "worn down" and convinced to give someone a go, and they end up a couple. Personally, I wouldn't want to date someone I had to work to convince, but it clearly floats some people's boats.



KayteeKay
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07 Jan 2015, 7:48 pm

yellowtamarin wrote:
KayteeKay wrote:
Vomelche wrote:
KayteeKay wrote:
Well, I don't play dating games. If I like a guy, I'll say yes if he asks me out. If I don't? I won't.


But there are ways to be more likable, hence the game exists.


I'm not into games. If someone doesn't like me (or I don't like them), well, why on earth would I play some sort of game to make them like me? Or vice-versa.

Makes. No. Sense.

I've definitely witnessed people being "worn down" and convinced to give someone a go, and they end up a couple. Personally, I wouldn't want to date someone I had to work to convince, but it clearly floats some people's boats.


And presumably a the folks who don't get "worn down" file restraining orders. Or tell everyone they know some creepy dude stalks them.