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FedUpAsp
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08 Dec 2014, 2:48 am

I am a woman with AS who just does not understand the point of flirting. I have an online friend who flirts with me whenever we talk and it makes me uncomfortable. I'm pretty much asexual and with no sex drive (for reasons unknown). I don't flirt. I don't "get" flirting. I find it extremely forward, aggressive, annoying and even threatening. Why do people do it? Why does my friend do it? What is he trying to convey and why won't he stop?

If I'm interested in someone I would just sit down and have a straightforward rational conversation with them, not turn every damned thing into a sexual innuendo.

Is there something wrong with me? Why do people flirt and why am I not interested in doing this?



downbutnotout
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08 Dec 2014, 3:26 am

Flirting is a way to enjoy romantic or sexual feelings without being serious about them, or to hint at wanting to be serious and test the waters (someone who reacts poorly to flirting can be assumed to be uninterested in more). Some people like it, others don't. Someone flirting with you is probably hinting at something if they keep doing it when you're not even flirting yourself.

You certainly don't have to take it if it's too forward for your tastes. Flirting doesn't give anyone the right to tread on your boundaries.



The_Face_of_Boo
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08 Dec 2014, 4:04 am

Tell him to stop.
If he doesn't, that's harassment.



FedUpAsp
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08 Dec 2014, 4:11 am

I feel affection for my friend and wouldn't mind a relationship with him (how, in my situation?)...except that he flirts. I'm going to be very clear with him the next time we talk, to stop. Things could progress better without all the flirting going on.



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08 Dec 2014, 11:54 pm

FedUpAsp wrote:
Why do people flirt


because they like social games and generally indirect BS, and/or they don't know how else to show interest because everyone uses flirting



FedUpAsp
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09 Dec 2014, 12:18 am

starkid wrote:
FedUpAsp wrote:
Why do people flirt


because they like social games and generally indirect BS, and/or they don't know how else to show interest because everyone uses flirting


Social games, huh? I guess that's why I don't flirt or have much of a comprehension of it. I hate social games.



rdos
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09 Dec 2014, 1:53 am

I think there are different kinds. I think NTs will mostly flirt for sexual reasons. When I flirt with somebody I do it to see if they are interested and to connect with them. As I'm also more or less asexual, the intention is never to get sex, rather to form an attachment. I prefer to do this for a while before I talk to somebody. Feels less intimidating, and less chance of rejection once you get to the "talking" stage.



FedUpAsp
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09 Dec 2014, 1:59 am

rdos wrote:
I think there are different kinds. I think NTs will mostly flirt for sexual reasons. When I flirt with somebody I do it to see if they are interested and to connect with them. As I'm also more or less asexual, the intention is never to get sex, rather to form an attachment. I prefer to do this for a while before I talk to somebody. Feels less intimidating, and less chance of rejection once you get to the "talking" stage.


That makes sense.

I just like to barrel my way right through to talking, when I'm feeling social at all. lol



auntblabby
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09 Dec 2014, 2:39 am

I don't get flirting, it feels like mirthful hostility to me.



Dylstew2
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09 Dec 2014, 2:55 am

Just tell him you don't like it, it's really that simple. A good friend would respect your preference and stop.
I do have a sex drive and I'm not sure why either. I'd rather have people get straight to the point than play games. I'd like people to be clear with what they mean.



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09 Dec 2014, 5:30 am

Innuendo isn't necessarily flirting behaviour. Some people do it because they think that they are being funny, which is not surprising because of all the innuendo in sitcoms. It's really low brow humour if you ask me.

Flirting is more subtle and comes naturally when you fancy someone. Overly sexualised remarks made to friends is just creepy.



FedUpAsp
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09 Dec 2014, 5:59 am

hurtloam wrote:
Innuendo isn't necessarily flirting behaviour. Some people do it because they think that they are being funny, which is not surprising because of all the innuendo in sitcoms. It's really low brow humour if you ask me.

Flirting is more subtle and comes naturally when you fancy someone. Overly sexualised remarks made to friends is just creepy.


He's a nice enough person, just seems preoccupied with flirting with me or whatever it is he's doing. I haven't had a chance to talk to him.



starkid
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09 Dec 2014, 10:36 pm

hurtloam wrote:
I
Flirting is more subtle and comes naturally when you fancy someone.


It doesn't come naturally to me. Then again, I haven't fancied very many people.



AngelRho
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10 Dec 2014, 12:05 pm

There's nothing wrong with you.

To me flirting is a game…a freakin' mating ritual. I'm not good at it, don't pick up on it when women flirt with me. It's just not ME. Sometimes my timing is exceptionally good and it works…but that's extremely rare. I prefer just hanging out and getting to know someone, talking with her and finding out what turns her on (in every sense, of course, but mainly I'm talking about her interests). That can open up a line to flirting, but flirting is NOT necessary. If it's not you, don't force it.

Psychologically it IS aggressive and threatening, and I think the emotions flirting evokes serves to heighten sexual tension. That's really all it is. If your goal is to sleep with someone soon after meeting them, flirting is good. But personally I think it's cheap. If the person you're flirting with is no deeper than that, why even waste the time with them? If you're just having fun and that's as far as it goes, it's not a big deal. It's only a problem when it stops being fun.



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10 Dec 2014, 12:50 pm

FedUpAsp wrote:
I am a woman with AS who just does not understand the point of flirting. I have an online friend who flirts with me whenever we talk and it makes me uncomfortable. I'm pretty much asexual and with no sex drive (for reasons unknown). I don't flirt. I don't "get" flirting. I find it extremely forward, aggressive, annoying and even threatening. Why do people do it? Why does my friend do it? What is he trying to convey and why won't he stop?

If I'm interested in someone I would just sit down and have a straightforward rational conversation with them, not turn every damned thing into a sexual innuendo.

Is there something wrong with me? Why do people flirt and why am I not interested in doing this?


The only thing wrong here would be your friend continuing to flirt after you have told them to stop. They should pick up on the vibe that you are not interested in that but not all do, so you sometimes have to say it outright.

As far as flirting, its just Birds and Bees stuff. Some pursue sex/relationships aggressively, some moderately and some little or not at all. The sexual spectrum so to speak. There is nothing wrong with not having any interest unless it is something you want to change.



rdos
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10 Dec 2014, 4:04 pm

AngelRho wrote:
To me flirting is a game…a freakin' mating ritual.


Game? 8O

AngelRho wrote:
but flirting is NOT necessary.


It is for me. It's my kind of dating.

AngelRho wrote:
Psychologically it IS aggressive and threatening, and I think the emotions flirting evokes serves to heighten sexual tension.


Cannot recognize myself in that either. Flirting for me is absolutely not aggressive, and if it is threatening you must do it all the wrong way. It's also not sexual. It's all about showing interest and to show you are serious about it and want to invest some time without any direct reward.

AngelRho wrote:
If your goal is to sleep with someone soon after meeting them, flirting is good.


Never happened to me.

What you describe seems a lot more like cat-calling than flirting. :roll: