Why don't people want to be friends first?

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And once you ask her out, she would tell you no; because she doesn't like overweight guys (she didn't like how her "ex" aspie was overweight too and you would remind her of him too).

Then she would come back here and says that no guys would date her .


In my experience, girls don't count the undesired (by them) guys who ask them out, in their dictionary, they're...ghosts.

Presumably it's non PC since it dosn't fit well with common stereotypes about either men or women...
There's also the possibility of someone having such feelings, from the start, but feeling unable to express them initially.

I'm not overweight. Actually my weight is pretty normal for someone of my height.

Is it really that big of a decision? If you get it wrong and you aren't suitable, stop dating them. You're (hopefully) not going to ask them to marry you after a few dates, but instead it's just a progression. You keep dating, get more intimate, see how it goes. If it fails you end it. You've "wasted" less time than if you stayed friends for months beforehand. Because guaranteed there are things you will discover about the person and your compatibility fairly quickly once you are intimate, that you could never learn by being just friends.

(And when I say intimate I don't just mean sex and when I say discovering things I don't just mean physical.)

People may fear losing/hurting the friendship they have with someone if beyond-friendship feelings aren't reciprocated, or if an attempt at a dating/romantic/sexual relationship doesn't work out and they break up.

Do you have any clue of how mean you sometimes come off on this messageboard? Perhaps you are simply not aware of this, but you sometimes come off as very cynical to the point where it becomes rude.

For your information; I've never rejected a guy based on looks alone. I've rejected two guys because they lived in different countries and made it clear that they only liked me for my body and not for my soul. I think those are legitimate reasons to reject a guy. My preference is not overweight, nor short, but I WOULD date a guy with either of those characteristics if there was a connection and I felt that he was really into ME.
I never said I couldn't get a date, I said I feel like MEN DON'T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME, regardless of their height, weight, or other superficial characteristics. They never put in the effort to make me their girlfriend.

Aww ok, point taken.

Need a hug?

Just to point out, anyone that I choose to date would be with the intention of forming a long-term relationship since I'm looking for a girlfriend myself. And no, it won't be based entirely on what she looks like.

I can't speak for all women, but I know why *i* don't wanna be friends first -- I've PLENTY of friends. Not looking for more.

What is a man supposed to do then?

Ask out friends, or ask out strangers?

Plus, can't a man ask women out on a date without her thinking that he just wants to get into her pants? Could it be that the reason why he isn't forward about wanting sex is maybe because it isn't a priority to him?

This thread is the opposite of my experience. Many successful relationships I know of were friends first. I have never heard of anyone who actively avoided relationships with friends, what actually happens is that if people have been friends for years and not got into a romantic relationship, the reason it didn't develop into one is because one or both weren't interested. When it does after a long friendship it usually because one or both of them was taken. I'm slow to form a lasting opinion on whether someone is attractive, it maxes out at a couple of years but usually within weeks if I know them well. The "friend zone" is a myth made up by men who couldn't accept that it was because they weren't God's gift to women so there had to be some other reason other than being the perfect partner for any woman as to why women weren't sleeping with them.

People often don't want to be friends first because they're not looking for more friends, and those who are generally don't want to do so with an ulterior motive. They'll just be honest with themself that they are looking for potential partners if that's what they want. That's not the same as ruling out ever having a romantic/sexual relationship with a friend.

I don't think it's actually that rare, that's how my parents got together. Also, such relationships tend to much more successful as it's true companionate love, not temporary passionate love.

Very good question, what say you, ladies?




Another very good question, why you always assume the worst intentions from a friend asking you out?

Because I've had pretty much the same friends forever. Literally (since kindy, college or grad school). If I wanted to date them (or vice-versa), the dating happened and ended 10-20 years ago.

So what if somebody wants to "get into your pants?"

That's the whole idea, really.

However, if a person finds that "special someone," it is fairly frequent that this person has the patience to wait months or years before any consummation. They look at that person as their friend, as well as their (future) lover. I don't see the problem with that.

It's called being civilized, while still wanting to "get into each others pants."

Um... wow thanks Kraftie. I'm mildly amazed it took five pages for this revelation to surface. Just what the hell happened to being nice and seeing where things go? Don't buy into this divisive terminology and it can't affect you. You can only really know people when you stop compartmentalizing them. We're a family of seven billion & counting.