Why don't people want to be friends first?

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Cafeaulait
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11 Dec 2014, 3:18 pm

I feel like guys are attracted to me and comfortable around me but somehow they never want and treat me as a girlfriend. Could I just be too boring?



Cafeaulait
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11 Dec 2014, 3:23 pm

I am always afraid lose interest after a date or a few dates because they get fed up with something about me or get bored with me...



AngelRho
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11 Dec 2014, 4:38 pm

Vomelche wrote:
This brotherizing thing might also be biological. Women may be wired to be family oriented, so they develop certain connections with people. So, sometimes they have to distinguish between a mate and someone who is familial.

That being said, I don't think being brotherized is necessarily a bad thing. If a woman is comfortable with you its a sign of some attraction. This is also where friendzoning and game comes into play. There are things a man can do to appear more or less attractive when he approaches a woman or she approaches him (..hormones).

Could be. But I strongly feel that we as men take the friendzone and the bro-zone (lol) too much for granted. I don't care if we're just friends or "like a brother" or whatever. All I want to know is do we have a date or not? Give me enough time and we can commit spiritual incest or become FWB, which might turn into an exclusive relationship down the road. Tell me I'm like your brother, and I'll be, like, "Cool! Hey, let's pretend we're from Arkansas."

If I'm desperate enough, I'm not above picking up girls at family reunions…it's just people tend to frown on that sort of thing, and I've been reminded that it's inappropriate...



sly279
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11 Dec 2014, 10:14 pm

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:


See? Only women say this stuff.

"like a brother", "it feels weird" and all this irrational talk. :p

I firmly believe that women are not capable to fall for close friends while men can. Men often have no problem to think of female close friends as potential romance while the opposite is quasi impossible.


Idk I've had tons of female friends I loved as sisters and would never want to date it'd be too weird and could never see them that way.



The_Face_of_Boo
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12 Dec 2014, 2:32 am

sly279 wrote:
The_Face_of_Boo wrote:


See? Only women say this stuff.

"like a brother", "it feels weird" and all this irrational talk. :p

I firmly believe that women are not capable to fall for close friends while men can. Men often have no problem to think of female close friends as potential romance while the opposite is quasi impossible.


Idk I've had tons of female friends I loved as sisters and would never want to date it'd be too weird and could never see them that way.



I am totally sure that if any of those you claim loved-as-sister friend asks you out, your jaws drops, you tongue rolls on the floor, and you come to WP and create a thread titled "An attractive close friend asked me out!!".



sly279
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12 Dec 2014, 3:11 am

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
sly279 wrote:
The_Face_of_Boo wrote:


See? Only women say this stuff.

"like a brother", "it feels weird" and all this irrational talk. :p

I firmly believe that women are not capable to fall for close friends while men can. Men often have no problem to think of female close friends as potential romance while the opposite is quasi impossible.


Idk I've had tons of female friends I loved as sisters and would never want to date it'd be too weird and could never see them that way.



I am totally sure that if any of those you claim loved-as-sister friend asks you out, your jaws drops, you tongue rolls on the floor, and you come to WP and create a thread titled "An attractive close friend asked me out!!".


eww noo. it'd be like a guy friend asking me out. awkward.
but my mind works weird, and places people as friends or romantic and the two don't change. perhaps I have more in common with female traits than male. :( I was raised by all women.



yellowtamarin
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12 Dec 2014, 5:51 am

AngelRho wrote:
yellowtamarin wrote:
hurtloam wrote:
Because hormones!

We have a tendency to want to do what our hormones tell us to do and if our body find someone chemically attractive then we will want a romantic relationship with that person.

Also, impatience.

It takes time to develop a relationship from a friendship. We get impatient and want to find physical fulfillment sometimes over all other things that are more logical.

Human bodies are funny that way.

This. Hormones. If I'm attracted so someone, I don't want to wait around "getting to know them" for months on end before something physical happens.

I've tried on two occasions in my life to become romantic with a close friend. Both relationships lasted about a week, and I bailed out because it felt weird and wrong (kinda like the "feels like kissing my brother" scenario), the lust hormones just weren't there, and couldn't be stirred up. In both cases it was rather devastating for me because I really cared for them and wanted to make it work. But there was nothing I could do.

I think you can have the best of both worlds, though. If you were friends with enough people over a period of time, could there not be at least a small number you'd be attracted to? Also, there's a distinction between just wanting someone for the purpose of sexual gratification and wanting someone for other things you find important. Love and intimacy are only two components of a LTR. It's never that simple.

In your case, it just wasn't cooking. I don't think anyone can judge you for that. If someone isn't the total package, no amount of caring for them is going to fix it.

Well, I'm not sure it "just wasn't cooking". One of the guys, the night we met we made out, and I was excited to see him again and was (physically) attracted to him. But for reasons I won't go into, nothing developed physically after that and we instead became close friends. For years. Then we tried a relationship and it felt weird to me.

The other guy I was also physically attracted to, I thought, nearly the whole time. We were both too shy to do anything about it so we just stayed as friends. Then the same as above.

I'm convinced it was "being friends for too long, without intimacy" that ruined it for me. Irrational, yes. Unfortunately I know no way to prevent it.



The_Face_of_Boo
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12 Dec 2014, 7:17 am

yellowtamarin wrote:
AngelRho wrote:
yellowtamarin wrote:
hurtloam wrote:
Because hormones!

We have a tendency to want to do what our hormones tell us to do and if our body find someone chemically attractive then we will want a romantic relationship with that person.

Also, impatience.

It takes time to develop a relationship from a friendship. We get impatient and want to find physical fulfillment sometimes over all other things that are more logical.

Human bodies are funny that way.

This. Hormones. If I'm attracted so someone, I don't want to wait around "getting to know them" for months on end before something physical happens.

I've tried on two occasions in my life to become romantic with a close friend. Both relationships lasted about a week, and I bailed out because it felt weird and wrong (kinda like the "feels like kissing my brother" scenario), the lust hormones just weren't there, and couldn't be stirred up. In both cases it was rather devastating for me because I really cared for them and wanted to make it work. But there was nothing I could do.

I think you can have the best of both worlds, though. If you were friends with enough people over a period of time, could there not be at least a small number you'd be attracted to? Also, there's a distinction between just wanting someone for the purpose of sexual gratification and wanting someone for other things you find important. Love and intimacy are only two components of a LTR. It's never that simple.

In your case, it just wasn't cooking. I don't think anyone can judge you for that. If someone isn't the total package, no amount of caring for them is going to fix it.

Well, I'm not sure it "just wasn't cooking". One of the guys, the night we met we made out, and I was excited to see him again and was (physically) attracted to him. But for reasons I won't go into, nothing developed physically after that and we instead became close friends. For years. Then we tried a relationship and it felt weird to me.

The other guy I was also physically attracted to, I thought, nearly the whole time. We were both too shy to do anything about it so we just stayed as friends. Then the same as above.

I'm convinced it was "being friends for too long, without intimacy" that ruined it for me. Irrational, yes. Unfortunately I know no way to prevent it.


You're one of those women who complain how women sometimes are irrational yet you are irrational yourself. :P



Vomelche
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12 Dec 2014, 8:27 am

Cafeaulait wrote:
I am always afraid lose interest after a date or a few dates because they get fed up with something about me or get bored with me...


Maybe you project your uncertainty on them and this makes them feel that you are uninterested, and turns them off. This is the issue I've had too, maybe its an aspie thing or just not meeting the right person. I find it helpful to not to set expectations on a date to impress and try too hard at it, just go with the flow and see if things work out with time.



Last edited by Vomelche on 12 Dec 2014, 8:33 am, edited 2 times in total.

dilanger
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12 Dec 2014, 8:31 am

Why don't people want to be friends first?

Because people do not like being lonely and getting affection is rewarding.

I my self do not like friend zone, so I become selfish and put expectations on a woman in turn pushes her away.

This is why I was single for so long.

A little selfishness = Good

Expectations on a potential mate / or current GF = BAD BAD BAD



Vomelche
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12 Dec 2014, 8:45 am

yellowtamarin wrote:
Well, I'm not sure it "just wasn't cooking". One of the guys, the night we met we made out, and I was excited to see him again and was (physically) attracted to him. But for reasons I won't go into, nothing developed physically after that and we instead became close friends. For years. Then we tried a relationship and it felt weird to me.

The other guy I was also physically attracted to, I thought, nearly the whole time. We were both too shy to do anything about it so we just stayed as friends. Then the same as above.

I'm convinced it was "being friends for too long, without intimacy" that ruined it for me. Irrational, yes. Unfortunately I know no way to prevent it.


I've had similar issues. A few times the women were either already in a relationship or I was not too attracted to them or the age was too different etc., so I did not feel strongly to pursue them. The other times however, she were more shy and I was too lost, I felt it was not given enough chance from her side to make it work. Maybe we were just not finding a good match. But, even these opportunities come very rare as it is, so I think it is worth it to give them more of a try anyway.



The_Face_of_Boo
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12 Dec 2014, 11:05 am

The women that I had sexual encounters with are the ones that my conversation with went sexual in day 1.



yellowtamarin
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14 Dec 2014, 4:11 am

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
You're one of those women who complain how women sometimes are irrational yet you are irrational yourself. :P

No, I'm not. I'm "one of those women" who acknowledges that women can be irrational, and that I too, by default, can be irrational. Men can also be irrational, just tends to be in different ways to women.

Don't try to make this a thing. It's no biggie.



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14 Dec 2014, 5:05 am

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
- I have NEVER heard men saying that they feel it's like dating a sister or mother if the girl is tall.


That might be because most guys, by the time they start dating, are already taller than their mothers or any sisters, older or not.


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14 Dec 2014, 5:38 am

CrinklyCrustacean wrote:
Why is it so rare for relationships to grow out of being friends?


For me it is because I cannot get a crush on somebody I know well, and I want to go through that phase in a relationship otherwise I would see it more as a friendship than a relationship. And I'm a guy, not a girl.



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14 Dec 2014, 5:43 am

AngelRho wrote:
The way my wife and I got together right at first was we were both coming out of hideously awful relationships and just needed to blow off some steam. Y'know what happened shortly after we DID become romantically involved? We broke up. Oh, and she wasn't the one to flake out on me…I flaked out on her. We tried the "just friends" thing for several months even when we were seeing other people. We really were the best partners for each other, and we wouldn't have known that quite as well if we hadn't had the tight friendship throughout. She'll tell you she knew it before I did. I still haven't figured it out…I think maybe I was mostly in denial the whole time, but I eventually came to the conclusion I didn't want to be with anyone else.


This is not really a good example of "friendship first", because you started out with a romantic relationship. I certainly might find it possible to get a crush on somebody, have a failed relationship, try out a friendship, and then go back to a LTR. That is very different from being friends for a long time and then get into a relationship.