Why don't people want to be friends first?

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I think that it becomes a gripe when you are looking for a serious relationship and the other party only wants a one night stand. Or if you get the impression that they don't really see you for who you are and fancy you only on a physical level and have put you on a pedestal.

Lolz... sexual tension... I think the answer to that problem is befreinding lovely people who don't give a rats ass about such puritanical nonsense in square one. John Lennon knew this almost fifty years ago!

Understandable. And it underscores the inherent selfishness of human nature--"I really have no need for friends at all…" We all feel that way and express it in various ways. People just tend to be more successful when they figure out that they do better when others do better, and then they act to improve the human condition as a whole.

People tend to want to take care of you the more they see you taking care of them. This works for romantic/intimate relationships just as much as casual friendships and business contacts. If you want people to take a genuine interest in you, take a genuine interest in them.

It has been this way for thousands of years. "Do unto others…"

^Truth & rights!

This is true…and may not be a problem for either of us. For most people, it's a question of how to find them!

Hell if I know.

Best to find out that you get along IMO.

If you just want sex, then no point in looking for a "relationship". Just look for sex.

I can only fall for friends. I can't see myself meeting someone with the intent of dating them.

To quote Elsa from Frozen, "You can't marry someone you just met."

I do. I have a real obsessive interest in girls I like, so I sure show a genuine interest. However, that doesn't mean I like dating or sexual intimacy. The grand price for me is not regular sex, and nor is it some kind of social contract. A real strong attachment is the grand price.

To each his own. Honestly, I don't like the games people play in dating and intimacy. I don't understand it and find it frustrating. I've had moments when my timing was exceptionally good, but those have been rare.

However, what *I* like or dislike isn't the point. *I* don't have to like it. What matters is what the other person wants.


Sure. But I still think you have to keep the other person in view… If a woman cares about me, she has to understand that certain things like that are a big deal. One of my biggest pet peeves is a woman who wants the relationship but isn't willing to give, so she pulls the old bait-and-switch. I also get no satisfaction out of someone who doesn't want those things and who isn't satisfied with me. And those are entirely personal preferences. Not everyone is going to share my attitude. What you do and how you proceed in a relationship is entirely your business, with the understanding you aren't doing harm to anyone, at which point it's everyone's business (I don't believe in staying out of others' problems. I like solutions!). On the one hand, yeah, I'm keeping my needs in view, but it's not entirely self-centered: A woman who can't agree with me on those issues isn't going to be happy with me. I could say, "hey, we aren't in agreement on intimacy, roles in marriage, etc., and I think I'm just wasting your time. But I still think you are a wonderful person and there is someone wonderful out there for you. I just can't be that guy." Sometimes splitting up IS the loving thing to do.

But…meh…"intimacy," "attachment…" Whatever. We all want what we all want.

Nor do I, and I don't even like dating at all. But I want (even need) a nonverbal phase before getting into a relationship. Without that, I won't be able to form a strong attachment. I don't need to match interests and social roles and things like that, and thus dating is of no use to me. In addition to that, my very best memories are from the nonverbal contact phase, so I don't want to miss out on that by starting as friends or with a traditional date.



I think that if you are not able to resolve this, you either do not have a strong attachment, or simply lack negotiation skills. Additionally, during a marriage people change and preferences and interests also change, so if you lack the skills to negotiate when meeting somebody, your relationship will sooner or later deteriorate anyway as preferences and interests diverge even if you had a perfect match to begin with.

Thus, I don't believe in trying to meet somebody that is an identical match. Some traits should match (mostly neurodiverse communication and social preferences), while others are better complimentary (coping skills).

My point is that those are YOUR preferences and values, not mine. I PREFER being with someone with shared VALUES.

I heard a joke once about a woman who spent so many years trying to mold and shape her man into the perfect husband. Eventually she succeeded. But then she was unhappy with him because he just wasn't the man she married.

Yes, people change. But I think you have to agree to what is most important to you before you get married. If one party values children to the point that disagreement on kids is a deal breaker, it's too late to go back on that once you have the wedding. We know someone who got married some years ago and the guy won't be intimate with his wife. He's just not into sex and has an aversion to children, all of which didn't come out until after they got married. They had problems to begin with and shouldn't have gotten married in the first place. I really think her idea of getting married was "he will change if…" or "things will get better if…" Fundamentally, people do NOT change. In marriage, I think you have to agree on what is important, what you build a relationship on. One "rule" we have is we make few promises and keep all of them. We talked about our expectations for marriage and followed through. We watched our career aspirations disintegrate right in front of us. We lost our home. We had to pick and choose which bills to pay. We had to open mail from lawyers threatening to sue us. We had money fights. We ran out of condoms one night and had another one break at a very inopportune time. If we didn't value similar things or agree on things foundational to our relationship, we couldn't have made it. We own a modest home. We have few debts. We're healthy. We have very little money coming in but we're comfortable. We can't really complain. We're doing better than we deserve, in fact. We've gotten older and smarter, so in some ways we've changed. The values we share that we built our marriage on never have and never will.

Personally, I'd see no reason why anybody would marry if they didn't want children. They should definitely had negotiated that before getting married. However, this is not what you typically negotiate in dating.

However, being asexual doesn't mean you don't want children. I have 3 myself.

People can marry simply for the companionship, it's not only about having children.

I am currently in the beginnings of a relationship with a female friend that I have known for about 4 years, but it was rather obvious throughout that we liked each other. The only thing that kept it from happening sooner was me having a girlfriend. She is the only real female friend that I have, though I would have more if my likely soon to be ex did not hate me talking to other women in general.

That's another thing altogether. That's not a traditional friendship, rather an attachment that you couldn't explore due to being in another (monogamous) relationship.