A confused NT

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Kraftiekortie:

No need to apologize, you don't know my relationship and when I choose to put it on the internet it's open to all sorts of interpretations. That's why I clarify, to steer the knowledge of what I'm trying to convey. I know a lot of women think I "put up" with a lot, but to be honest for some strange reason I get him. I just do. It's not hard work to help, I know where he gets overwhelmed in day to day life, and I know the little things that I do help him become a better person. Like I said earlier, I'm a "caregiver" at heart. I don't care what his diagnosis is, I love him for who he is. Thank you for your help I hope it works out. And whichever way it does work out, I now have more understanding from all of you!

EmeraldGreen: what you said lastnight about if it's meant to be it will come back, I agree it's corny, but that statement struck a good nerve and somehow calmed me throughout all of this mess. Thank you.
I am hoping against hope it will work out, although it does sound like an ultimatum, and as much as I would love to keep my best friend. It's not fair to me, I know myself, and I can stick around in his life as friend. I have too many feelings for him and it just won't work. I know that's what he wants but I have to put myself first and as hard and devastating as it will/could be that's what I have to do. :/ all in all growing up suckks

To be frank....I hope the guy gets YOU, too. NT/ASD partnerships are doomed to failure unless BOTH work at it.

I've made some Aspie-type mistakes, and continue to make them. And he will, too.

But he has to be held up to a minimum standard....otherwise, he'll remain complacent and never evolve.

Saccapunta, you'll see it in varying degrees, that thing about what society says people should want or have, all over this board and this forum in particular. People here can wind up very confused because they'll take these messages literally, or attempt to codify and make rules out of them, in ways that have little or nothing to do with reality. And the effort to "do things right" can supersede anything to do with what they really want.

I think sometimes the problem with the movie you describe is that it's generated from far too few data points, and not necessarily the big important ones -- because there often is that problem with figuring out what's important, what's trivial, what's a meaningless variable. So the "movie reality" often crashes and burns. And that's really hard, because every time it does that it reveals fundamental misunderstanding of the world, and it can really do a number on you to hear over and over that you have no idea what's going on.

You have a lot of empathy, intelligence, and kindness, and whatever happens, I think you'll go far. Just don't commit yourself to more than you can afford to do.

LOL...if I had a woman seek to "get" me like you seek to understand your fiancé, I'd be in 7th heaven, on Cloud 9.

Having read this thread over the course of last 24 hours, the one thing that stuck out most to me was that the Aspie bf overthinks/analyzes things. My understanding is that can be pretty common for those diagnosed with Aspergers and it is quite evident on these forums. The worst thing an Aspie overthinker can do with their own love life is post on the forums here and ask for advice on how to handle a situation. Too many different opinions can often lead to some serious overthinking.

I do recall discussing this over a year ago on this subsection of the forums, but self-defeating behaviours and burnouts from the overthinking tends to happen as well for some Aspies. It could have been happening with your bf, but there is no sense in thinking that yet. You're giving eachother a week before talking things through and I am very curious to see how this plays out.

Timtowdi:

Thank you for your kind words and your input throughout this thread.
I completely agree with your explanation of the "movie" and I haven't thought of the angle of his "movie" being from not many data points but that makes sense and seems to fit this situation. Prior to this situation, and during, I'm aware of what I need, and am asking myself these questions of what I can handle and balance. I'm keeping mindful of this relationship and not to sign up for more than I can handle.

Kraftiekortie:
Yes, that's the beauty of our relationship, is he does "get" me and I get the physical/emotional support I need from this relationship as well. I know he will make continue to make mistakes, we are all human and for some of us it's harder, I'm aware of that. But no, this "mistake" is a one time deal, or my ship is sailing. Throughout all of this I still have to be true to myself, and I can't wait around even when I know my partner is being an idiot.

After reading through all the OP has said, this is what I think..

Her boyfriend has fallen out of love. He has probably been trying for quite some time to figure out how to remove himself from the relationship but still keep the OP as part of his support network, i.e. friend. He is not adept at renegotiating relationships. Plenty of NT's don't deal well with the end of a relationship and a I'm betting an even higher percentage of aspie's have a harder time of it.

This is just stupid. This has nothing to do with autism, except that the boyfriend has trouble with his feelings.

The fact that the girlfriend is overanalyzing the situation with HIS mother and the whole internet gives me the cramps, because the complaint is that HE is the overanalyzing one.

As for the feelings, I use the same approach as him:

I see couples and romances in movies, and i try to replicate that, because I have no Intuiton on how to act, how to react.

So, when something goes different as like in the movies (she doesnt like my flowers, stupid expample, I know)

Then I panic and do something impulsive, like running away.

the imitation of something social (without fully understanding it) you see around you is NOT living in a fantasy world, or irresponsable behaviour or whatever the f**k.

It is nescassary. Children do it, and there is a reason for it. They don't know the rules yet.

My exgirlfriend told me that she put up a lot with me.

I guess she was right, but there is some things you just can't grasp as an autist, because you've not on that level of growing up yet.

All is delayed, and so are emotions and the understanding of them. Autism needs time.

(I am 31, but in reality i am 20, just working my first job and owning my first car and stuff.)

So give the boyfriend a break.

Dump him if you must, but don't act like he lives in a fantasy world, or is not willing to be a responsible dude.

If he is a irresponsable dude, then this has indeed nothing to do with autism.

And please stop gossiping with his mother about him.

@paukipaul
First off, there's no reason to be hateful on this thread, maybe there was some lacking information in my posts, but if this is a "emotionally charged issue" for you then please keep your opinions to yourself.

Secondly, He welcomes me talking with his mother! It is not gossip. When you only have two people in this world who "get you" then yes, sometimes they talk, also it would be unfair for my emotional well being to "hide away" and not talk to someone about these problems when she understands him. It's an emotional tool belt for the both of us that we are using.

Also, I'm not on here complaining about my boyfriend or contemplating "dumping" my boyfriend (the decision to end the relationship is up to him) , I am here for insight. So next time before you impulsively comment on an "emotionally charged issue" for you, do me and everyone else the favor and actually read it. If I was unclear I apologize ahead of time.

I would like to thank everyone who took the time out of their day to post on my thread. You all are an awesome community and I really appreciate it.

For those of you who were following the story and would like an update, the update will be below.

Alright, where to begin? I am going to keep this relatively short, and if anyone wants more info just post and I will be willing to expand/clarify.

My boyfriend, lets call him "N". We/him decided to breakup/take a break. At the end of this ordeal, he realized that he indeed does love me, that was never the question. But feels like a "fake" for not feeling the emotional connect that most people feel in a relationship. Along with that, N realized he needs to go and find himself, before he can be in a committed relationship.
As for him being a fake, I know he isn't and I accept our relationship exactly how it is. I know he may have trouble connecting emotionally, and that may very well be something he will never experience. I expressed that, along with my other concerns, and told him I was well aware. I also, know he realized exactly how much more I understand him. As for N leaving to go find himself, I agree, everyone needs to know who they are before they are in a committed relationship. This is a hard case of "practicing what I have been preaching" it was one of the hardest things I have ever done to let go of him. I know it is for the best. I respect him too much as a person, and I can surely give him the time and space to figure himself out. We had a very emotional goodbye, and I continue to miss him everyday, but without sounding like I am "holding on" I feel like he will be back in my life. The quote " A great beginning is sometimes at the point of what you thought would be the end of everything" is my current motto. Regardless, of what the future holds, we had a very beautiful thing and I will always cherish what we had.

Thanks for your support,

Saccapunta

men often get the heeby-jeebies before they actually commit. (and they are way behind women in realising what is going on). I advise you to stick around; he may just be going through the pre-commitment male loop

This is probably too late but I find how I feel currently about someone always seems like I've always felt that way. So when I stop loving someone, it feels like I never did, even though that's not the case.

Love is like religion. Hard to find evidence to prove it. Hard to find evidence to disprove it. Loads of people spend and make money on it.
I believe that "what is love?" is a subjective question, not an objective one.
Personally, the only love I'm familiar with is familial. There are people who I share genetics with that I would not miss if they died. There are people I am unrelated to who I trust with my life, my secrets, my dreams. To love someone, I must know who I truly am, who they truly are, and what love means to me.

I could be wrong, but it seems to me like your situation is just "measure twice, cut once"

I've experienced exactly the same thing you've described in a past relationship, except I was on the aspie side of things. This may or may not be the same in your case, but I eventually realized that I never experienced any of the fuzzy feelings or emotional overdrive that romance supposedly is for NTs. I would imagine that most aspies haven't. I didn't have a reference point for it, so it took me almost 7 years to figure out that my definition for romance was basically just really close and intimate friendship. My feelings never stepped outside of aspie relationship logic and would never have reached her definition of romance. Be that as it may, I got very good at imitating the behaviors of romance. I knew what to say and how to say it to keep her happy, but my happiest times where when she wasn't focused on me, so I didn't have to conjure what I saw as a Hollywood stereotype. I also learned that certain specific gestures on specific days of the year were expected as a part of the whole romance package. Eventually I got tired of it. I liked the close friendship and always having someone to talk to, but being in that relationship didn't give me back as much as I felt like I was giving up--time, independence, money, etc. I did feel a sense of loss for ending it, but ultimately I was happier that way. I don't know if future relationships will be doomed in similar ways, but that's not an assumption I would automatically make.
Asking for relationship advice on an aspie forum is like asking the blind for fashion advice, but you're asking, so this is what I would suggest: make a clean break (a little more than what he's wanting), but stay in touch. If he misses you enough, he will want you back, and of course whether to get back together is your call. If he seems happier that way, then, well, what is love?