I have a problem

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I have a problem. I am very shallow and I don't know what to do about it. It's distracting me from pursuing other girls I think. It's not fair how I have to keep fantasizing about getting some gorgeous-looking girl, but that never happens. Why is it only a few guys should have those girls to love, snuggle etc. but most of us on the lower rung don't? I also lack self-confidence and compare myself to others. I'm very un-disciplined and want to do more to take care of myself. I just don't want to be shallow, but I still want to focus on what I really feel I want. I don't want to spend a lot of time focusing on getting one of the most gorgeous women in the world, and be devastated if it doesn't come. I know personality is more important than looks, but I never even had a girlfriend before, let alone a hot one and I feel pretty left out.

I'm 23, never kissed and I'm a virgin and don't want to die that way, no matter what my former creed says "till death do we part".

Most teens start that with a very very shallow mentality in dating then they eventually mature in their preferences when they reach adulthood. Even tho you're 23, dating-experience wise you're equivalent to a young teen.
Forming friends also help to mature mentally and realize that looks is secondary - even your taste in looks become more realistic with age.

It's not that easy to acquire that while lacking social skills and dating experience.

your preferences will alter to a more managable level; you described an 18-year-old's dating wishes (so you are a few years behind the norm, which is normal on the spectrum).
Trust me, i have been you, 2 years ago, i'd have wholeheartedly copied your post.
i recommend you surround yourself with girls as well as boys as friends (from a club or hobby group) and in time, one of them will grow onto you.
this happened to me; in the orchestra i play in, there was a 50/50 split in genders, most were single, and the group was simple mixed-friendship. there were a few i'd liked (loved) to date (at least from a physical preference), but at some point, i realised i had mutual intellectual attraction to another girl in the orchestra, one who i didn't consider at first, from not matching up completely to my wishlist of physique.

now, however, we are together for 1.5 years, and my wishlist altered to match her.


in short: you are a few years behind in your dating experiences, you will adjust to match.

Yes, you have a problem. I'm starting to see progress here. At least you are aknowledging that you have a problem

That is, I don't know what intellectual attraction even feels like. Is this normal if you have no experience?

It's also a problem, that some of my friends have physically attractive girlfriends and I wish I was like them.

How has seething resentment, as a dating strategy, been working for you?

I think it is unreasonable to expect something of a gf that you're unwilling to ask of yourself -- so if you were an Uber-fit, hot guy, expecting to date only Uber-fit drop-dead gorgeous girls would be reasonable. But, well, you're not, so it is not!

(Sure, the occasional drop-dead girl falls madly in love with a shlub... but, umm, expecting it'll be you? Probably not the best strategy).

^And the rudest post of WP goes to......

I mean the dude admitted he had a problem. No need to jump down the guy's throat.

If you have never experienced something, it is normal that you don't know what it feels like. I would say that intellectual attraction comes when you are intimate with someone, when you share your dreams, hopes, desires, fears and failures to each other. So you can't experience it after five minutes or while looking at someone.

I agree with izzeme, try to make friends of more than one gender first so you can interact with women. You could learn a lot and maybe you will find someone you find attractive. Media often show you what a perfect woman should look like, but you can discover that you have your own preferences and that this particular woman you met, while not perfect, is physically attractive, fun and interesting.

There's a few things going on here. I'm female but I'll do my best to relate because I have been caught in the superficial trap before. So here goes....

Human beauty is a wonderful thing. It makes us go weak at the knees and of course every human on the planet has some kind of secret crush on an incredibly attractive person. To do that is human, it's not a problem. I just watched a Japanese language film and an seriously crushing on the lead actor, it happens okay. Don't beat yourself up about it.

Now, there's reality to deal with. Here's my story just because I have no other way of explaining this. Once upon a time I developed a massive crush on a famous person. I wished with all my heart to have a bf like him. 3 months later I met a guy who bore a striking resemblance to my crush and surprise, surprise he expressed interest in me. Cue dream come true. After 15 months in a relationship with this person it became apparent that he wasn't really interested in me but in what I could give him. The relationship was a sham. Cue broken heart.

Moral of the story - it's okay to admire human beauty. Love yourself for that because it's part of us all. Realise that if some fantastically attractive person is expressing interest in you and you are not part of the fantastically attractive yourself then it *could* although not always, come with ulterior motives attached. Like it or not, we all have our levels in this world. Mostly people meet up with others on their level or have compensating levels. If you set yourself up to only have attraction to fantastically attractive people then you could be setting yourself up for relationship failure unless this is also your level.

Having dated outside of my level on physical attraction I realised that the compensation aspect, was that he possessed a personality deficit and was choosing me based on how easy I am to manipulate. He was happy to trade off on my looks to gain other things he decided were more important. This is humanity, unfortunately.

So my advice is this. Admire gorgeous women, don't hate yourself for doing so. But don't close off the possibility of being with someone of comparable attractiveness to you, at the same time. You will find the accounts of many men online who decided only the most attractive of women were for them, they often tell a tale of lack of success and develop a fair amount of resentment because of it. Everything in life is a trade off and people don't often have a lot of social mobility when it comes to breaking out of their levels. That's the reality. Aim for the stars, keep your feet on the ground.

Very well said echolalia

Would you tone down a bit please?

You story is the sort thing no less likely to happen for people of the same mythical attractiveness level. Hot people use and abuse other hot people just as much if not more.

Focus on being someone girls might be interested in rather than chasing hot girls. Be an interesting person and you never know who will be interested.

Please remember: there are many ways to be "hot" other than having model-like looks.

Yes. F cups definately help.

Intellectual attraction is when you enjoy talking with someone and hearing about their thoughts, feelings, and ways in which they see the world. It's stimulating but it is not the same thing as sexual attraction, infatuation, or romantic love(which is a transitive emotional state where you care about someone else as much as you care about yourself).