I know what mania looks like now, OMG

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At my recent stay at the hospital, I was able to identify some manic patients. One was always talking and talking, saying all sorts of inappropriate things to people, and then he'd go into these big religious chats in a loud voice and start arguments with people. He was hyper as all heck, and his mood seemed very ecstatic and heightened the whole time.

Another one was even more obvious and actually got restrained and presumably escorted to the "prison-like ward" by security not long after I identified him as "definitely manic." He was hyper, jumping on the seat repeatedly and bumping it up, which the staff member said was dangerous. He was defiant, and kept doing it anyway until the staff member had to basically yell at him. He then went quickly back to his room, saying stuff loudly. Then he came out with his shirt off. At the time, I was anxiously pacing the hall as I waited for the dumb van to get here, but he tried to engage me in conversation, with a very tense, excited voice: "You know, I was pacing the halls all last night. And you're going to think this is psycho, but there were these coincidences." After that, I cut him off, as I was focused inwardly and felt his presence to be very intrusive.

I went and told a staff member that he made me uncomfortable and the staff member told him to put a shirt on. He continued to defy directions and would wander around the hall making noise with his shirt off until the staff member yelled at him again, and then he finally put his shirt on. Then he came back to the day room and talked to a couple of us, talking about "Guess what I'm in here for?" I answered, "Bipolar I Disorder?" cuz I knew this guy was manic as all heck. And he was like all giggling and stuff. Then he talked about how he has been really exercising, building up muscles all this time in a very excited voice, saying he's not using any substances but that the people at the gym say they think he's been using steroids. He then talked about how he's here because his mum thought he was going down the wrong path. I told him I agreed with his mum. Then he started talking about, "You guys are discharging right! Well, you're going to see me every morning because I ride my bike from one side of [this very large] city to the other and back every single day." I was like, "Oh, OK."

He then seemed to get bored with us, and went down to nurse's window, sitting in the chair, and putting his feet way up. The staff told him to get his feet down, but he refused. The staff member raised her voice, but he still refused. She then walked into the nurse's station and he called after her, saying, "Yeah, just go back into the nurse's station and I'll be sitting here with my feet up." Then I started seeing more male staff in the ward.

The man then got off his chair and knocked it down and then left the men's hall and walked into the women's hall. A code yellow was then called, as several men, including one from security went after him. Security then escorted him out of the ward. I presumed he went to the other adult ward, the one for dangerous patients where behavior is tightly controlled.

I was like, I know I've never acted anything remotely like this in my life! And that backed up a fourth doctor saying I'm definitely not bipolar, with four doctors against one relatively inexperienced one who was so sure I was.

I apologize for you having to go thru that, beneficii. But you made it, right? I know that is an overdone comment, on the contrary I can attest to these type of experiences. I believe I had to be hospitalized over 15 times in my young life(not even middle-aged yet).

I used to talk bad about people like this. Now I realize I have been talking about myself.

When I feel manic depressive/bipolar I like feel bouncy and excited all the doggone time! Literally! Nothing, not even gravity can get me down when I am like this!

Like yesterday. On my way to get my dialysis treatment I spoke with the dude in the cab that took me there nonstop about nothing else but prowrestling.

I became loud...really loud. My heart raced and beat so strongly. I was sitting on the edge of my seat. I spoke faster than the speed of light("yeah, take that Flash and Superman! Sorry Sonic the Hedgehog, you don't count..."<.<)

Then when I got on the dialysis machine and my blood pressure took it was like 200/120 or something like that and my pulse was like 120-130. I have high blood pressure. But I exercise, take my medications, and eat a healthy diet(renal-vegan).

I would have appeared as if I was "high" to a neurotypical. I was so happy(a huge understatement) to speak to someone in person who shared so much "drive" in prowrestling.

But I know what its like to be around these folks and I also know what its like to BE these folks.

I always try putting myself in their shoes. "Maybe they're lonely and crave attention. Maybe they lost somthing or someone. Maybe they have no support system."

Try considering these things if you are ever in the presence of a manic person again. And not just in the ward either...

I know it is BS and hell to deal with manic people.

But there is nothing that feels so good as a mania. It's like chasing a drug high. You are bullet proof and so much more. You are funnier, smarter, more clever, have better ideas than anyone else. And that's just the start lol...

Of course, that is totally not true. If you could see how others see yourself during a florid mania, you would cringe and die.

But man o man do I miss those highs....

Glad you got sprung and hope things are in a better place now.

I have to agree, actually to a huge extent. Especially when I do not feel manic. It can be quite annoying.

I remember one instance where I was in a behavioural ward for a month. It was this one older guy(like in his 60's maybe?) where we were engaged in a deep conversation.

I tried to signal as best I could to him that I no longer wanted to really talk about this subject nor to him anymore and I needed some "rest" from this seeming long conversation. So I pointed my feet kinda away from him, kinda looking at him and the door. But this guy was walking up to me and I power walked and asked the employees to tell him to leave me alone. Thank goodness he did.

Not sure if he was manic though. He seemed rather calm. Maybe due to his age? I mean, the guy gave me like, zero personal space. A huge problem. And he didn't seem to get the hint that I no longer wanted to speak to him.

Not because I disliked him. I just wanted to be alone for a while. I think he might have had like ADD or possibly bipolar if anything. But these type of conditions seem to be akin to mania in some ways.

And being forced to be in that sort of environment does stink. But I always look at the positives. If you focus on all the negative, I guarantee you will make yourself feel even worse. But that is just my belief of it.

I have watched a patient in a mental hospital run right through a plate glass window on the first floor, be pinned to the ground outside under a mattress and then sedated with a syringe. Just like something out of a movie.

Goodness, that's horrible. Sometimes I cry in secret at places like these. Its such a depressing setting. I cry because I actually feel very empathetic contrary to belief that Aspies/Autisies lack empathy. The truth is its very difficult for us to display it, especially when its expected of us from others.

I promise you guys, I totally suck at comforting people in pain. I visited my sick mother in the hospital and I tried encouraging her, but when I did I was told to "sssshhhh, quite down...you are so loud."

But I absolutely "feel" the empathy for others and not just people either. Animals too.

Me too. My mother had a heart attack last month and at the hospital while everyone else was all around her touching her and "I love you" and all that stuff I stood in a corner feeling like I was under a stone peering out at everyone like they were aliens. I have been in my mom's home and watch her trip over some boxes and fall down. Everyone else was right on top of the situation. I didn't move. It was like I was in a dream.

I know the feeling you experienced. The way you described. But what I found to be interesting in your post was that you said it felt like you were perhaps "normal" or "human" and your mother's support system seemed like the "aliens."

I say that is interesting because usually(not saying what you said was weird or even odd in anyway) Austies/Aspies say that they feel like the "aliens" and the neurotypicals seem more "human" because they adapt much simpler to social situations than we do.

But you know? I believe we have the power to do anything we put our minds to. I believe this for all people, not just us Autsies. I believe we can teach ourselves or be taught social techniques personally developed for all individual Autsies(because even though Autsies show similar traits, our personalities are all unique and special, which is also, unfortunately, misunderstood).

Chagya, my heart truly goes out to you, your mother, and family. Us Autsies have the ability to "read" other people's and even animals' feelings too. I hope you are doing ok. If its any consolation, I want you to know that I know exactly, the way you described this type of horrendous scenario, how you feel. I wish I could have been there to hold your hand and tell you that everything will be ok. Always strive to focus on the positives. No matter what...

When other human beings put their eyeballs on me I feel like they are crawling around inside my brain dissecting it, but when I view them I feel like they are all science projects and I am analyzing them. My head sometimes cocks to the side the way a dog does when I watch them scurrying about their lives. When I told my Psychiatrist that I don't understand human beings she asked me to explain and I couldn't put the feeling into words. I don't think of myself as a human being. I just exist. I use the term "human being" to indicate what society calls our species, but what I see when I look at them just perplexes me.

That is a very intense and vivid description of this feeling you get from people's eyes. Unfortunately, yes, its very VERY challenging to describe something like that with the same intensity to a neurotypical psychiatrist(unless she understood, in which case, I stand corrected) intobaudible words.

My therapist had me do a journal to write down my thoughts/self-talk. I think this is supposed to make it easier for me to explain to her how I feel. Perhaps you could suggest that your psychiatrist(or therapist, if you have one) could also have you do that. Do you like to write?

I love it! It gets things "off my chest." And if what you wrote really upsets you, destroy it right away.

I have gotten better with dealing with people's gazes on me. The eye contact thing is still tough though. Especially when its more than one person.

I think the issue with you and me in the "mom in hospital dilemma," we were "expected" to emotionalize in a way that we(Autsies) were never accustomed to in our entire lives.

Its kinda unfair for us, if you think about it. That is like us slamming our family down in front of a tv for 8 plus hours and playing The Legend of Zelda straight thru from beginning to end with zero breaks for the bathroom, water, food, or anyother human necessity. We feel just like that!

The problem with neurotypicals is that they have an awful habit of setting up standards for all to follow...even if those standards fail to meet our requirements....standards, expectations, and obligations are so not good and should be avoided at all times to live the life we really want. But in those hospital situations its kinda hard but its gotta be a way to do it.

I hate speaking, using my mouth to express myself. On my last visit to Psychiatrist I had all my thoughts written down and just handed it to her. She just read what I had written, commented on my writing style and asked if I would be willing to try Paxil, which I agreed to. Then she told me to come back in a month. Visit over. Very short. I write all the time. Always have. I blog anonymously, but I am not going to take written soliloquy every time I see my skull cracker When I write my thoughts like that and allow other people to read it I feel like they think I am fabricating because of my writing style.

I have another suggestion. But, as simple as it may sound, have you ever read what you wrote down out loud, to the person of interest who you'd like to share your thoughts with?

This strategy reminds me of how I complete my songs or how Jerry Seinfeld would come up with his scripts for his ground breaking sitcom.

Its kinda tough for us to say what we are thinking, let alone remember what we want to say and even stay on topic.

So why not read it yourself?

If it helps, read it to yourself as much as you feel you need to, so you may feel more comfortable with your voice and more comfortable and confident in sharing those thoughts.

I also recommend recording your voice very often. Our voices sound different to us when we play it back. Often times we don't like what we here. But that is why we would benefit from listening to ourselves over and over again. Give it a go sometime and see how it might help. Its worth a shot!

Thank you for the advice, but over the past couple years I have developed a chronic and persistent cough, not a respiratory thing, but the feeling something is tickling, or itching, in my throat. The coughing is sometimes explosive and it has wrecked my voice and made speaking a very uncomfortable experience. Had an endoscopy and exams and nothing found. In a way, it's a blessing because speaking makes me manic. I mostly text or IM family members for communication. I am nearing 60 and on disability, so I think there is little the Psychiatrist can do for me anyway other than writing script for drugs I don't like taking. On disability I no longer work, so there is no mandate that I associate with society except on my own terms, which I can navigate without much contact with humanity I shop on my terms, at my hours. Go to the gym on my terms, my hours, when it is almost empty. I've learned to adapt. Hopefully, some sequence of events will provide me an early exit from this existence, which would not be totally unacceptable to me.

Oh Chagya. It hurts to listen to my fellow Autsies feel as if it would be better for them to simply disappear from this world.

I get like this alot myself. I suffer from various chronic diseases also. So I can relate.

If I would have known about your chronic cough, I would have suggested perhaps try herbal remedies.

How do you feel regarding natural treatment?

I am not trying solicit or spam or anything. Just an idea. Because you said that you take the drugs the psychiatrist prescribes that you do not even like taking.

I hate how my voice sounds still. It does not help either that throughout my life, especially when I was younger, I faced much criticism about it and did not pursue one of the things I love with a passion of fire(singing).

Please, at least consider that you are here for a reason. We all are. Even though I don't know what it is, its there. Plus, you have the right to be here like everyone and anyone else.

Based on your post, there seems to be very positive thngs in your life; you have your own schedule. Gosh, I wish I had that!

I depend like 80% on my pops for everything!(almost everything).

I believe that we have the power to help ourselves either feel good or bad?

I choose to feel good, even when things aren't going my way!

Would you?

I've also seen what real Bipolar 1 is like while in a mental hospital. What you describe is close to what I saw of a fellow patient during one of my stays (and this was about a decade ago). She was all cheery and a little, shall I say, hypersexual-ish. She went around saying how her psychiatrist thought she was Bipolar. Having been misdiagnosed as Bipolar myself, after watching her, I told myself, "Yeah, there's no way I'm like this. I've never acted this hyper.". Hyper enough for ADHD, sure. But nowhere near the levels of hyperactivity seen with mania.

There was one at the hospital I was in. She was pretty hyperkinetic and loud, bragging about something I won't mention here because I don't want to trigger anyone. She was quite tickled with what she did. She was supposed to be in the same room with me but they put her in another because she immediately took a disliking to me and told the staff she wanted to hurt me. So anyway, I was just fine with that. I was disgusted with what she was bragging about and with her attitude in general. True mania like that is pretty shocking and a bit disturbing and you know it when you see it.