Psychiatrist not seeing me anymore

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Because I could not give my word that I would stop spraying my right eye with drain cleaner, my psychiatrist says that my issues are outside of his area of expertise and that he cannot see me anymore.

I tried calling back an old psychiatrist who, back in December, said not to book any more appointments because I would be seeing two psychiatrists. Upon telling her that situation of seeing two psychiatrists would no longer be the case, she said rudely that we'd have to wait for his go ahead and hung up on me.

The other psychiatrist will now see me.

What's your reason for spraying your right eye with drain cleaner?

You'll regret that later when it does do some damage or you end up with brain cancer or something from the chemicals. Quit doing it simply because you'll regret it later, even if right now you can't see that you will regret it.

Well, I put a whole bunch in my right eye on Saturday, but when I went to see the ophthalmologist, who specializes in the cornea, today, he said my eye was just fine and I didn't need to see him anymore.

My right eye seems very resilient so it's just becoming unnecessary pain for nothing. I probably won't do it as much.

I kept it a secret from both my parents and my ophthalmologist that I kept doing it, but I let my psychologist know today. He said if I had any plans to do it again within 2 or 3 days he would have called the police and hospitalized me. I told him I had no plans, and I told him, laughing out of sure enigma, that my eye was so resilient there was probably no need to worry.

He said that there are two explanations for why I've wanted to do it so much: 1.) There's a schizophrenic process at work in my brain or 2.) I'm doing attention-seeking.

Ultimately, we decided that it was probably a schizophrenic process because I had only mentioned continuing to do it pseudonymously online and to my mental health professionals. Plus, there have been signs of a breakdown process for the past 9 months or so. In the last session, he also said my speech seemed a bit disorganized and my affect a bit inappropriate, though not so much in this session. I told him that after that session, which was on Monday, a couple days later, Wednesday, after 2 days of taking double doses of my antipsychotic, I felt calm inside and I remembered Monday as seeming like there was mounting chaos within, which might have given rise to the disorganized speech. It seems that the antipsychotic at a very high dose and all the sleeping it had me do worked to end the mounting chaos within.

We went for schizophrenia, because when I was 14, I turned really psychotic and became violent in response to my delusions; I also had speech disorganization and inappropriate emotional expression (kinda like today). I was mum about my symptoms, so my doctor at the time wasn't sure if I was psychotic or not and, after ruling out bipolar disorder, diagnosed me with schizotypal disorder, which is kinda like schizophrenia-lite. Nevertheless, after I was put on the max dose of Zyprexa, my delusions seemed much less interesting and I stopped thinking about them because they were getting boring and I studied more conventional things. (I always liked reading on favorite subjects.)

Since that episode, I've had residual symptoms, periods of disorganization and psychotic-like thinking that went unnoticed because I was generally able to function, until late 2012 when it began to decline, and then last spring when I really started going downhill.

Because I wanted to see what would have happened.

However, nothing happened. My eye is so resilient, LOL. Just today, after spraying a whole bunch in my eye Saturday, I went to my opthalmologist today (keeping it a secret that I had been repeatedly spraying my eye with drain cleaner) and he used a slit lamp to look at my eyes, and he said my eyes were perfect and there's no need to see him anymore. I was like, wow.

I reassured my mother that my eye was fine now and that my face looked a lot better than it was when I went to the hospital (when it was all red and swollen and crap) and that the ophthalmologist had said I dodged a bullet. She went into the motivation, but all I could say was that I had really strong positive feelings associated with it for some reason. I told her I'm seeing a new psychiatrist and it looks like they're looking more toward early-onset schizophrenia (i.e. schizophrenia with acute onset at less than 18 years of age), for which in retrospect it appeared I met the criteria at age 14, and prodromal and residual schizophrenia than autism, which could basically explain my whole life and also explain the strange positive feelings regarding spraying my right eye with drain cleaner.

My mum responded, saying she's not too impressed with my doctors. I told her going back to my old psychiatrist who really helped me when I was psychotic at age 14 might help.