"internalizing" your Asperger's disorder

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I was diagnosed as having Asperger's back in April and it sure does explain a lot of things, including much of my growing up. I am having trouble "internalizing" it, and wonder if people have useful technique. Let me give you an example of what I mean by "internalizing"-I am also a recovering alcoholic and drug addict (been sober 21 years!) and quickly after getting sober I was able to look back and realize things like "Of course I drank too much and got drunk too often, I have alcoholism and that is what alcoholics do."

However, I can't seem to do that with Asperger's. I have always been embarrassed about my dating history, lack of relationships, and lack of sexual experiences even though a couple of therapists said I fall in the pretty typical range. I wish I could look back, not get depressed over it, and think/say "Of course I didn't have many dates or sexual experiences, I am an Aspie and those things don't happen much to Aspies." I can't seem to remember that, instead I blame myself, tell myself I must have been unattractive, a loser, etc.

It seems I can understand Alcoholism and the effect it had on me very easily, but I can't seem to do that with Aspergers-HELP! I also wish I could stop comparing myself to NTs in terms of dating, sex, and such as I am not like them. I was born with a disorder that pretty much assured I wouldn't be good in those things-or at least like NTs, but I can't always remember I am not like them. I have been married now for 15 years, though.

Guess no one know how to help with this back to feeling depressed I guess. Maybe I don't even fit in here.

It's early days for you. For the time being, try not to think about ASD in "recovery" terms - I am familiar with recovery as you are and addiction is very different from something that is intrinsic. As a first step, can I suggest, educate yourself thoroughly - we usually recommend starting by reading Tony Attwood's "The Complete Guide to Aspergers". Many people go through a grieving process after diagnosis - I think this may be more intense for older people - so you may find that it is involves a lot of different emotional feelings and moods. Are you an active member of NA or AA? Support there helps members cope spiritually with challenges unrelated to addiction, as you know, particularly if you have a sponsor who is a great listener. Take heart - it does get better. And congratulations on so many years of clean time - magnificent achievement.

You've got the wrong idea with Asperger syndrome. It's not like alcoholism, and the thing is: it's forever a part of you. Unlike alcoholism, which you have successfully fought and won (congrats!), there's not that much you can do for autism/Asperger syndrome.

There's a grieving process, and then, you just accept it, because it is you. Don't be ashamed of it, as it's not your fault.

Also, welcome.

I suggest giving it time and doing as much research as possible about Asperger's Syndrome. I think I have completely internalized my AS, but it has taken some time. I suspected that I had it over a decade ago when I found out about it in my intro psychology class in college. In typical aspie fashion, I started doing a lot research and even told everybody that I had it. I was not able to get an official diagnosis until a couple of years ago because I lived in an area where there was a shortage of mental health professionals familiar with AS. Because I did not have an official diagnosis, I kind of wished in the back of my mind that I didn't have it and that I was just being a hypochondriac. Then, I found a psychologist who diagnosed me. I didn't believe it at first, but I finally believed him after a few months. It has taken me the past couple of years to fully comprehend what having AS means in my life. I needed therapy to work through my feelings about it and coming here to talk to other aspies. Now I am at peace with it. I don't like being an aspie. It makes my life harder, but I accept it. As far as sex goes, I think I am probably asexual. That is probably due to AS. It has taken me a long time to accept that and I still struggle with it. The expectation is that everyone is obsessed with sex--especially young men. It is hard to be different than what society expects, but if you can't change, you can't change it. At least you are married. I doubt that I will get married or have kids. I am a bachelor, and pretty much always have been. People think badly of you if you have no sex life or no outward signs of being sexual.

If you have been in recovery for so long and have a lot of experience with stepwork, you will be able to internalize having AS, but it will take time. Keep coming here and posting--especially in the 'In-depth Adult Discussion' forum.

Thanks for all of the feedback and support so far. I guess I am in a state of grieving over what might have been...if I hadnt been born with Asperger's or been treated for it as a kid. One good thing about grieving is that it usually ends after a period of time. Sounds like I just need more time to work thru it and understand it better.

I do still go to AA and have a sponsor. I wonder if there is an Asperger's support group in my town. That might help also. I have only known one person with Asperger's and he moved away a few months ago.

Being different sure is tough. For a country that says it values individuality, we sure don't like anyone who is outside the norm. I read somewhere that sex can become an Aspie's special interest. I probably have that problem.

I think that people with ASDs are probably over-represented on a per capita basis in 12 step recovery groups, because of the stresses of always trying to adapt to the normative style of behaviour. The anxiety reaches critical levels and substances are used to self-medicate until the inevitable addiction happens as habituation occurs.

One way you could think of where you are at now vis a vis ASD is the Step One of the programme - you are powerless to change what you are - a person on the spectrum - and this is where your sponsor could perhaps help, talking that through with you. If your current ideas about autism have been formed by media reports, then you will have formed a very warped view of the upsides and downsides of Aspergers. Most of it is C..p!

So you do need to start reading some informed information, there are threads on WP about recommended books etc. in this forum if you scroll over the past couple of weeks.

I guess I haven't paid too much attention to how the media portrays Asperger's and autism, other than in "Rainman". What are some of the incorrect things they say about us? I know they have said a couple of the shooters in some of these mass shootings might have Asperger's. That doesn't bother me too much. I remember a time in my life having almost that much anger. I am glad I never had loaded weapons around when I was drinking.

I did do an interesting hypnosis session with one of my therapists that so far has really helped and changed my feelings about my past. Hope it continues to work.

Media portrayals have been quite infuriating. Most of the time it's an "inferior" kind of portrayal. Not pretty. Usually it's either:

1. We're dumb and hopeless or...
2. We're incredibly smart on one end yet fail at everything else.

It took me about a year to really start thinking about my life with Asperger's as context and of myself as an Aspie. It was kind of like when I found out my dad might not be my dad. It takes a while to adjust the way you see yourself. People have recommended reading up on it, and that's definitely what helped me most. Get away from the media stereotypes and read about real people. See what you have in common with them.

It took me a while to integrate the shocking fact that my supposedly dead parents were alive, that I wasn't an orphan as I had always been told despite coming from an orphanage to my foster family. About a year or so to fully assimilate what that meant for my past, present and future, and without the help of a very mature, skilled counsellor who was a superbly intuitive and wise, mature woman, it would have taken much much longer.