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Fnord
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18 Jan 2015, 7:22 pm

VegetableMan wrote:
My advice is not contact her all. If you do, you'll come off too needy. Let her be the one to initiate the next date. Believe me, I've made that mistake (and more recently than I care to admit at my age.)
This is the best advice so far.

Sure, send her a nice, sincere "Get Well" card if you feel the need to say anything to her at all, just don't say anything about being stood up. Other than that, leave the next two-way contact up to her.


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18 Jan 2015, 8:52 pm

smudge wrote:
Even when someone is enthusiastic about meeting you again, don't believe them. That's not to say they're purposely leading you on - it's a thing that people do. It's called politeness. I think it's stupid and pointless, but anyway: Take everything with a pinch of salt so you don't get too disappointed.


Yes this. NT lying to your face is considered 'polite' and no matter how much you see the illegitimacy of it, doesn't matter.
Society works on a system of lies, people are too afraid to confront authenticity that they will actually hate you for failing to lie just like them.


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cathylynn
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18 Jan 2015, 9:02 pm

i once slept through a planned dinner date. i came home from work, laid down for a quick nap, and woke up an hour after i was supposed to meet the guy. i called him right away and invited to make dinner for him at my place to make up for my faux pas. luckily, he had not assumed anything about why i didn't show.



KayteeKay
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18 Jan 2015, 11:40 pm

Brianruns10 wrote:
Man I get so exhausted by this, by all the games and the lies and the subterfuge, when all I want is someone who wants to hang out and watch a movie. Someone I can cook for and entertain and form a bond with. I see my married friends, and they have such wonderful, loving partners who actually call them for no reason apart from wanting to know how they're doing. Can you believe that? I can't imagine what that's like, to have someone who actually thinks about me.


Crazy-high, irrationally high expectations much?

The woman agreed to have dinner with you. Period.

Why on earth would you expect her to care about YOU - when she barely knows you?

Standing you up (as that is likely what happened) was NOT nice -- but your level of vitriol towards some girl you barely knew? Is SCARY!

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Love is a bloody waste. I gotta just quit. I gotta quit trying to find love, because all I find are worthless liars.


Project a lifetime of rejection on some woman you barely know much? This attitude is likely to help you find a loving partner, how, exactly?



886
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19 Jan 2015, 12:01 am

Fnord wrote:
VegetableMan wrote:
My advice is not contact her all. If you do, you'll come off too needy. Let her be the one to initiate the next date. Believe me, I've made that mistake (and more recently than I care to admit at my age.)
This is the best advice so far.

Sure, send her a nice, sincere "Get Well" card if you feel the need to say anything to her at all, just don't say anything about being stood up. Other than that, leave the next two-way contact up to her.

Indeed. If it's plain as day obvious you got the cold shoulder, it's up to them to initiate contact again. If they don't, then life goes on. There's no point in trying to force something that isn't there, because they know you're interested and they know you want to see them already, it's really up to them.
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Why on earth would you expect her to care about YOU - when she barely knows you?


Is it so hard to ask for the most basic level of respect?


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aspiemike
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19 Jan 2015, 12:08 am

KayteeKay- I've actually taken the liberty of reading his second post and found a better sense of self-respect from this guy. I will note this because you weren't around when this happened, but he got bullied mercilessly for making a mistake he felt bad about on one post in the past. I'm not interested in seeing another one of his posts turn that way.

Brian- you're doing a good job with the self-respect, keep it up. Just don't do anything rash. I would choose not to contact the person again because I would probably doubt if the person was being sincere. I also so no sign of an alternative or any offer to make it up to you.


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goldfish21
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19 Jan 2015, 4:13 am

Brianruns10 wrote:
I see my married friends, and they have such wonderful, loving partners who actually call them for no reason apart from wanting to know how they're doing. Can you believe that? I can't imagine what that's like, to have someone who actually thinks about me.


Just wanted to point out that you don't need a romantic partner for this. You just need a really good friend or two.

I have a friend that calls every once in a while for no reason other than to ask how I'm doing. I sometimes call him for the same non-reason just to hear his voice and ask how he's been if I haven't seen or heard from him in a while. I have other friends that we'll text each other for the same non-reasons.


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20 Jan 2015, 1:43 am

My advice is to show her the part of the post where you called her a worthless liar because she (possibly) lied to you once.


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20 Jan 2015, 10:47 am

In response to Smudge's post:

How would one know if they are being truthful, or if they are telling a white lie? Because people on the spectrum tend to take things literally, it's difficult for us to know which is the case.


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cberg
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20 Jan 2015, 10:55 am

Who_Am_I wrote:
My advice is to show her the part of the post where you called her a worthless liar because she (possibly) lied to you once.


RIGHT?


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Fnord
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20 Jan 2015, 11:44 pm

cberg wrote:
Who_Am_I wrote:
My advice is to show her the part of the post where you called her a worthless liar because she (possibly) lied to you once.
RIGHT?
Seconded.


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The_Face_of_Boo
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21 Jan 2015, 4:27 am

She was lying, don't be so naive, people.

If she wasn't, she would have suggested another day.



OliveOilMom
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21 Jan 2015, 9:54 am

I think she's pretty lucky to escape a possible relationship where something as small as cancelling a date because she was feeling bad or possibly a personal reason that might have been embarrassing for her, would cause the reaction this caused from you.

She's a worthless liar because she texted you and cancelled saying she was sick? Really? There are quite a few bad bugs going around that do hit you pretty quickly and maybe she really did feel bad. Maybe something embarrassing came up and she didn't want to go into the details of it with you because she doesn't know you that well and being sick is a good, generic and polite excuse. After all, she doesn't owe you anything to begin with so if she wanted to do something horrible to you, she could have just not shown up or called. You were obviously worthy of enough respect to her to at least have her text you and give you a reason. Maybe she didn't have the money to get there and she didn't want to tell you, maybe something was wrong with her car and she didn't want you to have to come pick her up or she would feel awkward doing that, maybe she got her period and just didn't feel like doing anything at all, maybe something happened in her personal life that upset her so much that she didn't want to do anything with anybody and didn't want to explain that to you.

She's also probably rotten because she had been engaged and they broke up? How exactly does that fit into anything? If she's so rotten because she was in an engagement that was broken for reasons you have no idea whatsoever about then why did you even ask her out anyway?

I honestly don't think you will ever find a lasting relationship when you are that quick to rush to harsh judgement and knee jerk hateful reactions.

This kind of reaction makes me wish that people came with warning labels.


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AspieUtah
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21 Jan 2015, 10:07 am

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
She was lying, don't be so naive, people.

If she wasn't, she would have suggested another day.

Hehe. True.


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The_Face_of_Boo
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21 Jan 2015, 3:32 pm

cberg, Who_Am_I, OliveMom,

It's nice to be ideal behind he screen and to lecture Brain how he's the faulty one because he mentioned the word worthless in his thread in a moment of frustration just after the rejection.

Maybe that's a sin for supreme beings like you, but mere humans spout silly stuff (and wrong, unfair...) in moment of frustration like these.
if he really that he really believed about her then I don't think he would have invited her in the first place.

And in this case it matters little whether Brian just go frustrated for a moment or a 247 complete jerk, of course it's not what he said here that made the girl "run away", she's not a fortuneteller I guess, and it was supposed to be the first date so I guess she doesn't know anything yet of the negative things in his personality, that in case you were being right about your accusation of him having attitude problems.


This cancelling the date in last moment thing happens when:

- 70% of the times, her yes was just a bluff in the very beginning, this is done by girls who are too polite or shy or too afraid to say no upfront so they just say yes then they make up an excuse via phone/text to cancel the date hoping the guy will understand.

- 29% of the times, the guy did some stupid move or said something stupid/creepy before the date or revealed a turn off or a personal info (ie. religion).

- 1%, and I am being generous here, that she was really actually sick.



OliveOilMom
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21 Jan 2015, 7:13 pm

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
cberg, Who_Am_I, OliveMom,

It's nice to be ideal behind he screen and to lecture Brain how he's the faulty one because he mentioned the word worthless in his thread in a moment of frustration just after the rejection.

Maybe that's a sin for supreme beings like you, but mere humans spout silly stuff (and wrong, unfair...) in moment of frustration like these.
if he really that he really believed about her then I don't think he would have invited her in the first place.

And in this case it matters little whether Brian just go frustrated for a moment or a 247 complete jerk, of course it's not what he said here that made the girl "run away", she's not a fortuneteller I guess, and it was supposed to be the first date so I guess she doesn't know anything yet of the negative things in his personality, that in case you were being right about your accusation of him having attitude problems.


This cancelling the date in last moment thing happens when:

- 70% of the times, her yes was just a bluff in the very beginning, this is done by girls who are too polite or shy or too afraid to say no upfront so they just say yes then they make up an excuse via phone/text to cancel the date hoping the guy will understand.

- 29% of the times, the guy did some stupid move or said something stupid/creepy before the date or revealed a turn off or a personal info (ie. religion).

- 1%, and I am being generous here, that she was really actually sick.


I'm neither ideal nor superior Boo, I'm simply posting what I thought about it. I never said anything about her being a fortune teller and knowing in advance about how he overreacts, I said that she was lucky to escape a potential relationship with a partner who goes that far overboard when something like a cancelled date happens. I also mentioned more than his use of the word worthless. He said that she was probably rotten because she was in an engagement that was called off. Either way his reaction was over the top.

Whether you feel you are being generous or not has nothing to do with anything, and saying you are sick is a generally accepted polite excuse for a situation like that when you need to cancel something and not go into detail. She may have been actually physically ill or she may have been tired or something else might have come up that prevented her from being able to go but wasn't really any of his business and she had no desire to go into it with him. Since it was last minute, I'd bet that something actually came up and she called to let him know. Just because she didn't suggest another date at the time doesn't mean she wouldn't be interested in rescheduling, it could easily mean that she didn't have time to find a day and time that she could go right that second. She could very easily have been in a hurry and wanted to just text him real quick and let him know she couldn't make it and then work out the rest of it later on. I'd put money on that being what happened, unless something else happened during their contact between when he asked her out and when she cancelled.

I'm certainly not ruling that out because even though I don't see him saying anything overtly that would show off his insecurity and possible paranoid seeming perception of rejection, stuff like that can and will slip out into conversation even if it's just a weird vibe that somebody picks up on but can't put their finger on. I would pretty much guess that if something happened during the interim, she would have found a way to cancel before the last minute, with a much better sounding excuse. I'm not sure but I think this might be the poster who several times stated that he was going to commit suicide if he didn't find a relationship by a certain age. I could be wrong and thats somebody else, but I do think its the same person and I'm just not going to go back through months of posts to look that up. If that is him, of course that kind of hopeless feeling is profoundly sad and while I do wish him a relationship much before that time limit, I have to say that is the very same kind of over the top reaction to something that would give off a weird vibe, and can't help but surfacing somewhere during casual contact even if not overtly stated. Also, being very angry and bitching about what crappy luck you have or something else along those lines is more of an appropriate reaction to that, rather than deciding that she's worthless, a liar and rotten because she might have changed her mind about going out with him. It makes me wonder what would happen in a real relationship several months or years down the road when they hit a serious problem.

Also, I'd like to ask where you get your statistics. Are they just your opinion - which is perfectly valid as long as you state it as such and not as some fact that is carved in granite - or did you find them on some website somewhere? I'd also like to ask if you have ever cancelled at the last minute and if so, why? I know I have, for several different reasons and most of the time it was truly because something came up and I just couldn't manage it that day. Is someone obligated to go through with a date if something comes up, or if they actually change their mind based on something else?

I would honestly think that if he comes across as creepy or a loser or an emotionally unstable whacko, he really wouldn't have many women accept his invitations in the first place so I believe it's either bad luck, bad timing, not the best choices in dating prospects, or something he does or says between asking them out and the actual date, or various combinations of all of those.

Either way, noticing and commenting on his out of proportion reaction to this in no way makes me or anyone else a holier than thou as*hole or condescending in any way. My opinion is just as valid as yours, or his, or anyone else's but it seems that the deciding factor about whether or not Brian gets a date belongs to the girl the date is with and he's either asking out twats exclusively, is having the worst bad luck run around, or is doing something to put them off. If you want to look around for who might be sitting on the self important throne, one clue to that might be in who feels that giving the girl their benefit of the doubt is being incredibly generous. ;-)


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