Friend with AS keeps blowing me off. What to do?

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I have a friend who has AS whom I’ve maintained a close friendship for close to 20 years. It’s wonderful having an autistic cousin as a friend. However he has a habit of getting hyper focused on his projects and as a result, fails to return phone calls and e-mails. There was a time where I didn’t hear from him for nearly 2 years. Usually I’m tolerant of this because I do it too. Often I can deal with it but lately it’s become very irritating.

Right now I’m muddling through a bad bout of depression and need all the support I can get. We were supposed to go out two weeks ago but he failed to call me or return my phone calls. Further e-mails have gone unanswered. One part of me suspects that he’s avoiding me because my level of depression is to hard for him to handle. I feel abandoned and hurt. I keep trying to tell myself that his AS is the cause for the non-responsiveness but it’s getting to the point where it’s crossed the line to being unacceptable. My NT friends have advised me to end the “friendship” because of the chronic lack of responsiveness and communication.

It really does feel like a one-sided friendship at times. But our exchange of brotherly love and support makes up for his issues or my character faults.

For the most part, he’s still kinda my bro on the spectrum. I don’t have that many close friendships. Finding new friends is painful. Should I keep this bro or let him go? What should I do to address this issue?

I feel like you should only end the friendship if you absolutely feel like you should. It sounds like he is very centered in doing his stuff. Here is my opinion, At least be friendly with him if he does not really want to communicate. You never know what happens if you burn bridges. I would say let him be but message him every now and then if he is still remotely interested. Hope this helps.

Have you talked to him about it? I would talk to him about it and see if you can work things out before you end a friendship that it sounds like you value(?). I suggest you tell him clearly how you feel and what you want/need from him, and ask him why he doesn't get back to you. (You could write him a letter, given that he's not responding to you.)

You don't have to end anything. You've made every effort to be a good friend, the best thing to do is cease trying. If they want to be your friend, they'll find you. You don't deserve to be strung along by a part time friend, a true friend would never just ignore you like that.

I am probably a lot like your friend. As an aspire, I constantly struggle with communication through any means - email, phone calls, chats, etc. It's the most difficult part of living with AS. I have 2 long time friends of 25 years. The only reason they are still long time friends, is because they have made the effort to reach out to me and stay in contact with me over the years. And for that I am incredibly grateful. My inability to respond effectively to others has nothing to do with them and more to do with me. I may be going through periods of depression, obsessed with a new interest or many times I'm just not feeling like talking. At this stage in my life, I'm am really trying to make the effort to be more responsive. I usually find that if I am not responding appropriately, that's when any potential friends write me off and stop corresponding. And we all NEED friends in our lives. As you said, finding new friends is painful. My suggestion is don't give up on him. Keep corresponding periodically but just don't push the issue. It's unfortunate he is not responding at a time when you need his support, but I don't think that warrants ending the relationship.

Autistic Cousin is a term that I have not heard in a very long time. Anyway: One thing to keep in mind is that just because someone says something about making plans to do this or that doesn't mean they are sincere to their word. Lots of people say things they don't mean or that feel good at the time and change their minds.

Two examples:

I remember having someone who was supposed to sleep over many years ago and they kept brushing me off by postponing the event and telling me to call back in the next 15 minutes.

The second was more recent. One year and a half ago I met with someone who invited me to work on a project with him which we both agreed that it would be from my angle with my interests. We even agreed that he would meet once a week at a certain time. When it came to doing the work he was always going out of town last minute and letting me know that we would meet on the next week. He did this three times. Little did I know that he hated my ideas since he wanted me to stick with doing something involving my Autism. Yet he didn't have the courtesy to say so. Apparently he told another friend of mine behind my back. When it came to me I got a load of jargon and boulder dash.

"Yeah we work together I promise. I just have so many other responsibilities to play around."

As for your friend it might be good to call him out and mention that you feel like he had made plans with you by sending him a copy of your agenda. Also keep in mind too that people say things that feel good all the time and then change their minds. I learned that from the two examples from above.

Since we can't seem to edit anymore I want so add some commentary.*



The second person who let me down said "I would love to goof off and if I could afford that then I would work with you. Unfortunately I am in financial trouble and I need to get that taken care of."


Another thing that I would like to add is when people say they are going to do something and they are not interested in us they will say things and let them go in one ear and out the other. That is probably what happened with this person.

It sounds like he isn't interested in you like he once was and that means that you could be in a new season of your life and so could he. I am pretty sure there is a bigger picture why things are the way they are. For one thing it sounds like he has problems of his own/a lot on his own plate.

In the mean time you hang in there but let him know that you were very hurt that this Autistic Cousin or AC let you down and that you mean a lot to him.