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SideOfTheHill
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26 Jan 2015, 1:29 pm

Hi everyone, I've been reading Wrong Planet for months now... I suppose this is as good of a time to jump in, as any.

Just a moment ago I had the realization that my "friend" who has been staying in my home for several months, is a narcissist. I happened to be reading an article about narcissists (which attracted my interest because I'm already aware of my tendency to have a high proportion of narcissists in my life) ~

Suddenly everything clicked. Of course! She's a narcissist. It explains everything. The way she feels toward and behaves to her own children; her "relationship issues" with men; the way she has treated me since she was thrown out of her apartment and I invited her to stay with me temporarily; hell, the way she has treated me since we've known each other, now that I look back at the whole thing.

And as I said, she's far from the first narcissist in my life. They are more the rule than the exception.

Happily she is moving out soon. (Although she told me that she wants to just take her belongings gradually, you know, move them into her new place bit-by-bit as she decides if she wants each thing or not: because she doesn't like clutter - as she smilingly looks at her cr@p lying all around my house.)

::sigh::



slenkar
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26 Jan 2015, 1:32 pm

could you say which aspects of narcisism she has?



SideOfTheHill
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26 Jan 2015, 1:48 pm

slenkar wrote:
could you say which aspects of narcisism she has?



Well, it's like a pathological selfishness... kind of hard to describe! But as far as things that affect me directly - as I said I invited her to stay with me, and she has been taking advantage of me, rather than "help out" the way she claimed she wanted to. Like she uses up the household stores of [you name it - anything from light bulbs to cooking oil to whatever] without replacing it; meanwhile she ragged on my son at length, for eating some food of hers out of the fridge; she's careless with expensive utilities (leaves lights on, turns up the oil-heat) ~ she leaves a mess in the kitchen, cooks meat here (I'm vegetarian and it disgusts me) smokes cigs in the house (also disgusts me, she knows it's a house rule but asks for an exception) ~ She does not care for her pet - leaves it to me to do that.

She blames others for everything ~ call-outs and all.

I could go on and on, should I? Or should I perhaps not be trying to diagnose someone because I don't like the way they behave?

The thing is, it's a pattern, among people that get close to me. :(



Lockeye
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26 Jan 2015, 2:04 pm

Studies have shown that those that are more socially vulnerable will attract those that are more likely to take advantage of them (i.e. Narcissists, Sociopaths, Borderlines, etc.), so those of us on the spectrum really need to monitor our friendships to make sure they are healthy people that will not take advantage.

You mention having a pattern. Are any of your parents or close relatives/friends through your childhood showed any of these signs? You just might have a habit of walking into the familiar past and not even knowing it.


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B19
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26 Jan 2015, 5:44 pm

This is quoted from a website called Energetics Institute.com

THE 3 TYPES OF POTENTIAL VICTIM
In order to understand the Narcissistic world view it will be important to understand how they view and select victims from the circles in which they move. The 3 types of persons mentioned here are referred to throughout this article. Unhealthy narcissists need other people around them to sustain them and feed them resources and narcissistic supplies(Ransky:1998). Authors such as Tucker and Ransky have basically defined 3 levels of affected persons which come into the narcissist’s world:

1) A potential. A potential is someone who the narcissist has attracted into their world, and must be assessed for exploitation and utility value. Narcissists view everyone only in terms of what value or use does that person have for them. People with a strong sense of self and boundaries are of limited use to the narcissist, and may be only relegated to a role of a colleague, customer, peer, a delegation point, or some ambivalent relationship in the narcissist’s constellation. They may however also be a potential for exploitation for future use and manipulation into one of the next two levels of affected persons. In terms of viewing narcissists from the context of business organisations, and from spiritual and self help groups, then co-workers in organisations, and curious seekers of healing and spiritual insight often are the primary source of “potentials”.

2) A follower. A follower is someone who has been groomed, seduced or manipulated into the reality of the narcissist, and will be supportive but not slavish to the narcissist. Narcissists work on these persons as they cannot trust another’s independence and free will in areas of concern to them. This level is in an enmeshed or deceived state but as a person is still a separate functioning identity. The person still has a separate operative identity but the narcissist has already started gaining leverage by overturning held beliefs, values, attitudes, and sympathies which are of importance to the narcissist. They have been able to gain a degree of trust and acceptance, and a degree of rapport has been established. The narcissist from their side will have already have identified the strengths and weaknesses of this person, and have commenced the seduction of the person deeper into the reality of the narcissist. This may be a “loyal” co-worker and friend or boss in an organisation, or a regular, committed member of some spiritual or self development group.

3) “Sidekicks” or blindly loyal pawns. This inner most trusted group are co-dependently engaged with the narcissist, and are overly-loyal, compliant, passive, and unaware they are no longer operating from conscious free-will in areas of concern to the narcissist. They put up with whatever treatment is meted out and will collusively abuse with the narcissist out of acts of demonstrated “loyalty”. They are under some form of emotional and/or mind control by the narcissist. They act for the narcissist when summoned and are often used in organisational politics, rumour and disinformation campaigns, and in both groups and organisations to carry out acts on behalf of the narcissist that could see them come under legal or ethical sanction. The narcissist will establish a degree of separation from the “sidekick” such that if ever caught, the narcissist will disown them to their own fate. The person normally has low self esteem, has a history of putting themselves second to others needs, may be a “caretaker” personality, or only feels loved, understood, supported or important when in the company of the narcissist.

Paul Babiak PHD, in his book, “Snakes in Suits”, notes that narcissists in organisations use a 3 phase game plan when engaging with victims. The first phase is selecting their victim or prey based on assessing the potential victim’s utility value, and identifying their psychological strengths and weaknesses. The second stage involves manipulation of the potential victims with carefully crafted messages plus using constant feedback from the potential victim to build and maintain rapport and control. Phase 3 occurs when the narcissist has finished “devouring” the victim and whose utility value has been exhausted. The drained and bewildered victim is abandoned without remorse as the predatory narcissist looks afield for new victims which equates to more power in their reality.

As I personally found out, another attractive honey pot for narcissists is in religion, spirituality, human potential, and self-help movements or groups within society. The reason this area attracts narcissists is that it is easier to start a religion, a movement, a modality, an institute, and become the leader from the outset. This confirms their grandiose delusion that they should be the rightful leader, and that they have some “special insights”, “vision”, or that they are a practicing “ascended master”, “mystic”, or “guru”, who should be the subject of followers, worshippers, who see their special gifts and importance.



RightGalaxy
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14 Dec 2019, 12:36 pm

Better late than NEVER...read "Don't You Know Who I Am?" by DR. Ramini Dervasula I read a LOT about toxic people but this book by far is the BEST!! ! :D