2 Aspies dating? We just might be that unicorn!

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spectrumtacular
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29 Jan 2015, 7:27 am

Okay, so this is my first post. And what a doozie it may be to some of you... but here it goes...bare with me please...

My boyfriend and I are in love, and have reason to believe that we both have Aspergers. We've been dating for almost 2 years now.

In the last year, my boyfriend has been doing research into his suspicion that he may have Aspergers. Many professionals in the therapeutic field have also confirmed his suspicions, yet due to lack of funds as an adult, he is unable to find a doctor that can diagnose him under his insurance. He really does fit a high functioning Aspie profile, and he was put into a hospital psych ward last year due to a misunderstood "manic episode" and the doctors gave him 3 different diagnosis all contradicting each other, so they couldnt even figure it out. (not to mention they gave him high doses of haloperidol!! !! ! :evil: :skull: :x )

We had gotten into a relationship about a year prior to this revelation, and from the very start, we both knew we were different than anyone else around us. We had found what we were searching for! Another alien! :idea: :heart: :jester:

My backstory: I was diagnosed with ADHD when I was 5 years old and put on medications until I was 17. I developed sleeping disorders, eating disorders, depression, anger/rage, I didnt fit in and wasnt doing well in school, I attempted suicide when I was 16, and would often cut myself. Of course the doctors just kept giving me more pills, and didnt ever look into the deep source of where this all might stem from. It wasnt until 10 years after I had been off meds that I started to be able to see my issues for what they really are.

I have adult dyslexia and for a while a doctor thought I was either bi-polar or borderline personality disorder, AND I had an abusive past relationship, so I also suffer from PTSD. So it wasnt until after my current boyfriend started looking up information about ADULT FEMALES with aspergers and how the symptoms develop differently, that it FINALLY CLICKED. It made f*kin sense... NOTHING has ever described what I go thru more than this. Down to a tee. appearance, emotional state, intellectually, socially...I mean, its not just one thing, it is the combination of all these symptoms! And wouldnt you believe it, I'm an excellent actress... I can fool anyone, so of course it was never seen really. (plus by the time aspergers was known about, I was already too old to be questioned, and I'm a girl, and in the 90's more boys were diagnosed.) I tend to appear normal, but I feel so out of place.

The thing is... I have triggers and have identified them to a certain extent. But he and I together.... I mean it's hard work, but very interesting. We're half way thru understanding the sensitivities and triggers in each other as well as ourselves, and how to help or back off when needed. Such as, I cannot be in the room when furniture is being moved, otherwise I start to panic and pace, so when he wants to switch the bed around, I just leave the room, instead of crying like I used to. He, on the other hand, can never throw anything away because it might be useful later; so he just leaves the room when I want to throw something away that is questionable. I have terrible night-terrors(stuck in a hyperventilation nightmare) , and he'll rub my back gently to ease me out of the nightmare. He has major issues with female anger(from childhood), and so I work hard to not blow up around him if I'm angry. It can be so hard when we're living together to not sometimes be a trigger for one another, but we're able to objectively look at the situation most of the time, even if sometimes we slip a little.

We both have major sensitivities to sound and light, also smell is a big one for me. We're both naturally gifted musicians (he's literally a human jukebox...) and if I hear something off-pitch or dissonant, I will physically react with goosebumps and I feel like my brain is writhing in pain (he feels somewhat similar but not as intensely physical as I do). We both have trouble keeping a job for more than 6 months, and can sometimes be terribly impulsive and quit on the spot.


I just had a major anxiety attack or meltdown, maybe half an hour before writing this. I felt very overwhelmed and lost while doing my linguistics homework, (the phonetic alphabet can be quite terrifying) I got really upset and angry, started to cry and scream angrily at my paper, while stabbing it with the pencil... and then the hyperventilation started... it's hard to stop once it gets started. I felt ashamed that I had lost control so quickly which added to a guilty feeling of some sort. I hadnt had an attack like that since 6 months ago in Japanese class. (so embarrassing)

This last one was not as bad as ones I've had before, (we both go to neuro-feedback training now, which helps emotional regulation) but I used to really fly off the handle whenever triggers would come up. Hit my head against the door, slap myself, pull my hair, uncontrollable crying, rage... I'd say horrible things that I know I didnt mean but couldnt control myself, throw or break things that werent mine, wanted to hurt myself beyond repair.

I'd have to say that I've never let any man see this side of me; I've always had to try to hide it from everyone, otherwise love interests or friends end up abandoning me because I'm "too weird" or "annoying" or "crazy" or whatever the negative adjective of choice was, or sometimes I'd outcast myself without realizing it. But because he understands what I'm going through, he creates a safe space for me to have these meltdowns... I'm so thankful. Sometimes he is more imploding and I am exploding, but it all feels the same in a way.

Its funny because we both suffer from major issues and triggers, but we're somehow always able to help the other one back on their feet in a positive way. I'm not sure if I can say yet that I have Aspergers, but every time I look deeper into it, I start bawling because it makes so much sense.

I know I'm rambling and probably didnt communicate my story correctly but...
finally, my point....

Has anyone ever experienced two adults with Aspergers who are dating?

if so, what methods of communication or coping are you aware of? We love each other very much, but realize that if we both in fact do have Aspergers, then we have our work cut out for us. It's totally worth it though ;) :heart: :heart:



slenkar
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29 Jan 2015, 8:51 am

glad you got yourself out of your abusive relationship and are now happy

some people say that giving up wheat reduces their meltdowns



bicentennialman
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30 Jan 2015, 10:26 pm

Welcome and thanks for posting, spectrumtacular! I don't post here often, but I lurk every once in a while, and your thread caught my attention.

My girlfriend and I are also both Aspies. We met online about a year and a half ago, and we are really enjoying being in love! We communicated over e-mail for a while, and then we finally got to meet in person when she came to visit, and it was so wonderful to spend time with someone who saw the world similarly to me; it felt like I didn't have to worry about explaining myself or putting on a polite mask-- I could just "be myself" around her. It is so nice to feel that we can both just be honest in our communication with each other.

It is a bit of a long-distance relationship, so it's really special when I get to visit her for a few days or a week, but we still talk pretty much every day over e-mail, chat, or phone (though using the phone makes me more nervous than talking in person for some reason). We have fun sharing our special interests with each other-- she draws pictures and sends them to me; I record video games and play them for her on Youtube. We sometimes watch an episode of Star Trek together by syncing up our DVD players and commenting over chat.

I've been reading through a book by Rudy Simone called "22 Things a Woman with Asperger's Syndrome Wants Her Partner to Know" and sharing my reflections, comments, and questions with my girlfriend by e-mail. The conversation has really been helpful for both of us (though sometimes I have to remind myself that the book was written primarily with a neurotypical boyfriend in mind-- "Don't belittle an Aspiegirl's obsessive interests? Why would I do that? I know how much it hurts when people do that to me!")

We each have our sensory issues and areas of struggle, though not quite as daunting as the things you shared in your post-- I wish you and your boyfriend well in figuring out how to help each other.

Overall, I feel incredibly lucky and blessed to have met this woman-- I love talking with her and spending time with her! :)



ahuffman1984
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31 Jan 2015, 12:22 am

Well if you are a Unicorn than I am not sure what that makes me as my current girlfriend, me and the girl that I am currently chasing are all aspies. My current girlfriend is more severe than I am and it has caused a lot of problems. The new girl is less severe than me, but has other issues as well.



spectrumtacular
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01 Feb 2015, 8:48 pm

ahuffman1984 wrote:
Well if you are a Unicorn than I am not sure what that makes me as my current girlfriend, me and the girl that I am currently chasing are all aspies. My current girlfriend is more severe than I am and it has caused a lot of problems. The new girl is less severe than me, but has other issues as well.


You're dating two unicorns??? :mrgreen: heeheehee

How do you work through your clashes?



spectrumtacular
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01 Feb 2015, 9:07 pm

bicentennialman wrote:
Welcome and thanks for posting, spectrumtacular! I don't post here often, but I lurk every once in a while, and your thread caught my attention.

My girlfriend and I are also both Aspies. We met online about a year and a half ago, and we are really enjoying being in love! We communicated over e-mail for a while, and then we finally got to meet in person when she came to visit, and it was so wonderful to spend time with someone who saw the world similarly to me; it felt like I didn't have to worry about explaining myself or putting on a polite mask-- I could just "be myself" around her. It is so nice to feel that we can both just be honest in our communication with each other.

It is a bit of a long-distance relationship, so it's really special when I get to visit her for a few days or a week, but we still talk pretty much every day over e-mail, chat, or phone (though using the phone makes me more nervous than talking in person for some reason). We have fun sharing our special interests with each other-- she draws pictures and sends them to me; I record video games and play them for her on Youtube. We sometimes watch an episode of Star Trek together by syncing up our DVD players and commenting over chat.

I've been reading through a book by Rudy Simone called "22 Things a Woman with Asperger's Syndrome Wants Her Partner to Know" and sharing my reflections, comments, and questions with my girlfriend by e-mail. The conversation has really been helpful for both of us (though sometimes I have to remind myself that the book was written primarily with a neurotypical boyfriend in mind-- "Don't belittle an Aspiegirl's obsessive interests? Why would I do that? I know how much it hurts when people do that to me!")

We each have our sensory issues and areas of struggle, though not quite as daunting as the things you shared in your post-- I wish you and your boyfriend well in figuring out how to help each other.

Overall, I feel incredibly lucky and blessed to have met this woman-- I love talking with her and spending time with her! :)



Wow! Thanks for responding with such detail! I'm so glad that there are others out there in a similar situation, and able to function well :) Another Trekie Aspie couple! HAHA

Do you have a plan to one day live near each other? I think building a long distance relationship is very challenging but you can really get to know a side of them that would otherwise take years in person to get to know. I'm happy for you and your lady friend :)
You've both been diagnosed? If so, was it as children or adults?


Again, my boyfriend and I are both undiagnosed and sort of self-proclaimed Aspie, and would be considered less severe than some others may be, (which adds to a considerate amount of misunderstanding and distrust from others) :cry: Because I'm too intelligent, unique and polite to have Aspergers, right? Yet, I'm very OCD about certain things like checking keys, or being somewhere on time(I can have major anxiety around tardiness, although am almost always running late) I can never seem to get important paperwork done on time, or if ever. (such as my car has been unregistered for over a year, and I am now, at age 27, starting to file my taxes.) Official stuff scares me, as I'm sure it does for many others, but its this depth of inability to function in a normal society for a long period of time that hints to me that I could have Aspergers. I'm quite outgoing and sometimes can take control of conversations without realizing (I interrupt too much, but working on being conscious of it), and yet I'm not always the most social person, or very good at keeping in touch with people that I do care about.

My mother doesnt think that I have Aspergers, but honestly, she hasnt lived with me while I've been off of medication, her only account is of me as a hyperactive, bright yet problematic child.

OOPs ramble. sorry. hahahaha sometimes I dont knwo when to stop. I should write a book.



spectrumtacular
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01 Feb 2015, 9:23 pm

slenkar wrote:
glad you got yourself out of your abusive relationship and are now happy

some people say that giving up wheat reduces their meltdowns


Wheat, you say?

I have pretty particular eating habits, and dont have too much gluten in my diet, but my boyfriend likes to eat bread so, I sometimes will eat more than I'd like to. I have severe triggers surrounding food. Sometimes I'll cook a meal, and I'll just start to cry while I'm eating it. I have yet to work out where this really comes from with my therapist, but I think some of it has to do with eating disorders I developed as a teenager while on medication for ADHD. (I was on from the time I was 5 until 17)
......
The bad past relationship lasted for 4 years and was verbally, emotionally, sexually and physically abusive; So I've also developed alot of triggers around certain things from that....

so sometimes it can be really difficult for my boyfriend to handle when I'm having a freak out that involves a trigger from my Ex. Such as, my ex used to tell me almost every day that I wasnt sexy enough (I was always wearing baggy clothes and no make up, barefoot... bare minimum me, but comfortable, and I didnt care at the time) He would tell me to start dressing and looking like other girls he would flirt with. So now I have a huge fear that I'm not attractive enough or that my current boyfriend will find someone whose sexier and cheat on me... thats my big fear, because of the PTSD. And for the beginning of our relationship, it was a huge source of our fights. But we've worked on alot and I've come a long way since then.

thanks for your support!

I'm glad to have found this forum! :D



ahuffman1984
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02 Feb 2015, 12:22 am

spectrumtacular wrote:
ahuffman1984 wrote:
Well if you are a Unicorn than I am not sure what that makes me as my current girlfriend, me and the girl that I am currently chasing are all aspies. My current girlfriend is more severe than I am and it has caused a lot of problems. The new girl is less severe than me, but has other issues as well.


You're dating two unicorns??? :mrgreen: heeheehee

How do you work through your clashes?


With my current gf, I pretty much try to avoid what causes problems at all costs cause she is very difficult to solve disagreements with. She very flustered and confused, so I have to take a very gentle and patient approach with her. The new girl and I communicate much better and it was actually me who was the confused one in our only clash so far lol.



bicentennialman
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02 Feb 2015, 6:01 pm

spectrumtacular wrote:
Wow! Thanks for responding with such detail! I'm so glad that there are others out there in a similar situation, and able to function well :) Another Trekie Aspie couple! HAHA

Do you have a plan to one day live near each other? I think building a long distance relationship is very challenging but you can really get to know a side of them that would otherwise take years in person to get to know. I'm happy for you and your lady friend :)
You've both been diagnosed? If so, was it as children or adults?


Thanks for the good wishes! We don't really have a plan of how to live closer together yet-- the issue is that neither of us are very independent yet; we both still live with our parents. Before we met, when I was living on my own at grad school, I soon felt totally overwhelmed and burned out, and she experienced similar issues when she was living by herself, though she lasted a lot longer than I did.

One of the biggest hurdles for me right now is finding a job that would allow me to support myself (and a family, if I ever have one). I work from home over the Internet, but the amount I make wouldn't be enough to live on. So I don't know what the future holds for us.

We were both diagnosed with Asperger's as adults, which is probably pretty rare, because I know there aren't a lot of medical professionals out there who will diagnose adults. We were both diagnosed in our late 20s, a few years before we met each other. The diagnosis really did help me to look at myself differently-- until then, I thought that all of the difficulty I had keeping a "normal" schedule had to just be laziness or selfishness. Now I know it's because of the way my brain works, so I can both relax and keep trying to improve without beating myself up over my weaknesses.


spectrumtacular wrote:
Again, my boyfriend and I are both undiagnosed and sort of self-proclaimed Aspie, and would be considered less severe than some others may be, (which adds to a considerate amount of misunderstanding and distrust from others) :cry: Because I'm too intelligent, unique and polite to have Aspergers, right? Yet, I'm very OCD about certain things like checking keys, or being somewhere on time(I can have major anxiety around tardiness, although am almost always running late) I can never seem to get important paperwork done on time, or if ever. (such as my car has been unregistered for over a year, and I am now, at age 27, starting to file my taxes.) Official stuff scares me, as I'm sure it does for many others, but its this depth of inability to function in a normal society for a long period of time that hints to me that I could have Aspergers. I'm quite outgoing and sometimes can take control of conversations without realizing (I interrupt too much, but working on being conscious of it), and yet I'm not always the most social person, or very good at keeping in touch with people that I do care about.

My mother doesnt think that I have Aspergers, but honestly, she hasnt lived with me while I've been off of medication, her only account is of me as a hyperactive, bright yet problematic child.

OOPs ramble. sorry. hahahaha sometimes I dont knwo when to stop. I should write a book.


That difficulty with official things and functioning in a normal society sounds very much like myself. I know that I need to get better at taking on responsibilities, but I often feel like I don't have the energy to do more.

It's funny to me that you have to be careful not to take control of conversations, because both me and my girlfriend are the opposite of that. We are very introverted and shy, so when we're in a normal conversation, we have trouble figuring out when it's okay to speak because we're afraid of interrupting. The nice thing about talking with each other is that we can let the conversation go at a slower pace that we're both more comfortable with.

I always figured there had to be extroverted Aspies out there, but I wasn't sure how that combination of personality traits would manifest itself.



kraftiekortie
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02 Feb 2015, 6:07 pm

Were you born in 1976, Bicentennial Man?

In 1976, I was 15, CB radios were all the rage, and so was streaking. Disco permeated the airwaves, alongside Arena Rock. Most people still had long hair.

LOL...I can't believe it was 39 years ago! I must be an old man! :wink:



bicentennialman
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02 Feb 2015, 6:20 pm

Close, but I was actually born in 1980. My username is actually from an Isaac Asimov story about a robot who lived for 200 years and gradually became more human. It was made into a movie starring Robin Williams. The movie wasn't all that great, but I had just seen it back when I was trying to come up with a username. Sometimes I think I might actually be able to figure out how being human works if I had a lifespan of 200 years.. ;)



kraftiekortie
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02 Feb 2015, 6:22 pm

You'll never totally figure it out LOL

Just be satisfied with having a vague idea :wink:



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02 Feb 2015, 6:24 pm

bicentennialman wrote:
Close, but I was actually born in 1980. ;)


I remember 1980. I was in junior high then. I HATED junior high, worse 3 years of my life. Only positive was that there was a ham radio club at my school that got me started on one of my special interests. Still hated junior high, though.



kraftiekortie
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02 Feb 2015, 6:28 pm

I've never met a person who LIKED Junior High. Nor Intermediate School (the present-day incarnation of Junior High).

In 1980, I had quite a few jobs. In November, I arrived at the place where I'm working now.

I worked for the Census, I worked for a bank, I worked for the Yellow Pages, then my present p lace.

I was 19.

I worked for the Census during the 1980 Transit Strike. I had to walk 6 miles from the mental hospital where I was taking the Census back to my mother's apartment.



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07 Feb 2015, 8:52 am

You might be interested in my earlier post in which I describe having possibly been in a relationship with another Aspie. I touched a bit on how different the relationship might have been with the right sort of advice (which would not have been available back then).


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