Are relationships always this complicated?

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I decided to start my own thread instead of continuing to hijack goofygoober's thread.

I'm just not sure about this girl I'm dating. I feel so conflicted about her. It's so hard to decide. I thought having a girlfriend would solve my problems but it only seems to increase them. Are relationships always this complicated?

She seemed so into me, so sweet and Innocent until on Valentine's Day I made one comment. She was already going on about how she wanted to lose weight and I noticed she ate very little. I thought since I'd lost 55 KG I could coach her towards her goal. Bad idea. I had her sobbing, saying she wants to go home.

She asked why I'd be with her if I thought she was too fat? The best answer I could come up with was because I couldn't do any better, because I'd spend the rest of my life alone. I would have taken her home but she decided to stay so her sister wouldn't find out something went wrong. So much for sibling rivalry.

The next day she was saying what hurt her more was when I said I was only with her because I was afraid of being alone. She said that didn't make her feel very special. She said she wanted a guy who loved her for her, not be used as a back-up girl until someone prettier came along.

She said she couldn't stand to go through another break-up, that she would rather end it now instead of get more invested before breaking it off. She kept on asking me if i wanted to dump her but not once did it occur to her for her to dump me.

I said I'd made a commitment to her and I'd stick with her. Was I lying? I don't know. I feel like she's putting too mu ch pressure on me when I haven't known her for very long. I feel like the whole point of dating for a few months or years is to find out if you're compatible with someone, not to decide before you date them.

And her wanting to move in? Too soon. Why can't we take things slow? She wants a place to stay so she's not with her abusive family. I feel so used Or am I using her? Maybe I think if I stay with her for a few months I can gain experience to use on the next girl. Isn't that what singletons complain off? Being held back by lack of experience? Is this how I can break the catch-22?
How many have exes? Few end up with their first right? The trouble is she thinks I should decide whether or not I want to be in a life long relationship with her after the first one or two dates. That's just wrong. I can't decide that quickly.

She says she doesn't like breakups. She says when her boyfriend of two years dumped her, she attempted suicide (by eating soap, not a real suicide attempt because soap is not lethal, more likely a ploy for attention). Still, I can tell that when she says she suffers from depression she means it.

She has zero self-esteem, finds excuses to pay for my meals on dates and sometimes when she's at my place she almost seems to be waiting on me. She always wants me to choose stuff, wants me to choose the movie, etc. I think her low self-esteem and lack of prerogative come from the way she was raised. Her family is extremely controlling

I don't like using ethnic stereotypes but they act like the typical controlling Asian family. They didn't like her doing a bachelor of art, they threw out her Game Boy becuase "video games are a waste of time", they guilt her for the money they spent raising her, they make her do all of their cooking and housework, they tell her what to do.

She said I'd best avoid them because they hate white dudes. Her father was on the losing side of the Vietnam War and she says if he runs into me he'll beat me or shoot me with his crossbow Fortunately he spends most of his time in Sydney.

She wants to move in fairly soon. To me it seems too soon for that. I think she wants a place to live away from her abusive family. I want a few months or years of her weekending to see if I get on with her in the long term, also to see if her Optifast diet produces good results.

If she wants me to let her move in within the next couple of weeks, I'll first make her promise to have surgery to correct her lazy eye because I don't like it when one eye drifts to the side and if she ever meets my family I don't want them to think I sunk to dating a girl with cognitive impairment. She offered to get a boob job for me but this would be better.

Maybe I'm too hung up about looks. I'm not saying fat girls can't be pretty. I've seen fat girls who are pretty. She's not one of them. I think it might be because her face has a small delicate bone structure which is buried under much fat She may have a pretty face but it must first be uncovered. Girls who look nice while fat tend to have broader, well defined faces. Her face at the moment is just kind of formless. Sort of like my face because I went on my phentermine diet. I went from gelatinous blob face to handsome face and I think she could make a similar transformation.

It's like before we were so into each other but when she suggested I leave her so I could find a prettier girl? Well it hadn't occurred to me before she suggested it but now it keeps playing on my mind. Every time I see some guy with a 10/10 girl I think, why can't I be happy like them? Isn't that what's expected of me? Surely my friends and family all expect me to be with at least a 7/10. I don't want them to shun me.

She a fairly good personality. Not as good as my cousin's wife, who makes up for her 7/10 looks by being super outgoing but still good. She's fun, she likes PC gaming (I need to convince her that Maple Story is not a real game), she likes dark comedies. Ever since our argument her personality has shifted from cute and innocent to cute and cynical (an improvement IMO). I think she's finely letting her dark humor shine through. What I would like to do, is show her that someone cares about her so that it will boost her self-esteem so she'll be more outgoing and not speak very softly all the time. Partly to boost her social appeal but mainly because my hearing isn't that great and I can't hear people when they speak softly. I guess we make a good pair because I have perfect vision and she has perfect hearing. She can hear the movie and I can see the movie

So should I stay with her? Are relationships always this complicated?

Yep....relationships are always this complicated!

Nope...you guys shouldn't move in together--it's too darn soon! I made that mistake a couple of times--lost apartments and autonomy! In order for there to be an "extension" of the relationship like this, you must really desire her and want her--at least most of the time!

That Valentine's Day thing--bit me on the butt more than a few times!

Well this certainly sounds like a minefield. But I have to say, you violated rule #1 of any interactions with women: Never insinuate in any way, shape or form, that they're fat, even if they are! And if someone that I was seeing said that they were seeing me because I was "the best they could get", I would feel pretty darn hurt also. Also, your comment about offering to get her surgery for her lazy eye I find to be extremely concerning...it sounds from your post like you want to "fix" her into your dream match or something. That paragraph sounds like a very unhealthy thought pattern, and it sounds like the majority of your focus is on how she looks rather than on who she is.

LLOLOLOLOL

In other term, "I was desperate for a gf, and you are my only option" -

Honestly, I stopped reading your rant just there. Like seriously, what do you expect? There's nothing much complicated here, you are not really attracted to her and now she knows it, that's all.

I am surprised that you weren't even punched in the nose in this moment (were you? I didn't read all).

Next time answer with some figurative story: " Imagine I was starving in the desert and found only a rotten apple, so I had to eat it" then look into her eyes with a hug and say "you are this apple my dear."

How flattering and romantic.

Spare the poor girl and end the relationship. Jesus christ. Relationships are always complicated, but this is hardly a complicated issue-- you're just being an as*hole.








Yes, she is taking things too seriously too soon and yes she seems like she's got issues of her own. You're still being a complete as*hole and I'd advise you not to enter future relationships where you'll view a woman like this even in the beginning yet stay in it for yourself and with complete disregard to her. How are you going to show her you care when you clearly don't?

I try to stay out of L&D but I have to say I want to give your head a shake. Have you read what you just wrote? The fact you would seriously use the term "7 out of 10" means you are not ready for a relationship with a real flesh and blood human and to tell her she was the best you could do is a huge slap in the face even to a clueless Aspie like me. I always liked reading your posts but I have to admit you sound like a grade A a-hole trying to mold her into YOUR ideal image. If we were real life friends I would instantly want nothing to do with you and probably want to deck you if that is how you treat those close to you. I'm honestly beginning to believe this is a trolling attempt as nobody can be THIS dense.

Having said all that, she sounds like a classic Borderline Personality Disordered girl. Take my brother's advice when I was dating a BPD and RUN FOR THE HILLS. The fact she would stay with you after you spoke to her in such a condescending manner tells me all I need to know and while I know you won't listen, I will say it again: run away for your own sanity's sake.

Nothing complicated about this one: she has severe issues and you are a complete jerk. Two wrongs do not make a right.

Yeah. She'd said about herself several times by this point so I thought she was cool with it.

Why is it more of a big deal for girls? I mean, people called me fat loads of times. My response? I went on a diet. Why is it worse for girls? Is it because they obsess over their appearance as much as I obsess over their appearance?Yep, that's the general idea of it.Yeah, I know I'm shallow that way. Part of the problem is that my family and friends are shallow. Or maybe they're not. Maybe I'm just assuming they are because I'm projecting my own feelings on to them. I don't dislike her looks for my sake but moreso because I'm worried about what they might think.

You probably all think it's stupid of me to base my self-worth on what they think of me but that's been my sole motive for the past few years and if it wasn't for that I'd still be underemployed and living with mum. Worrying about what people think of me is the only reason I wake up at 6:30AM instead of noon like I used too. I find it to be an effective motivator.I guess it's not impossible for me to get another girl it's just that at the time I needed a quick way to answer her question and justify my being with her.

Later it occurred to me that another way I could have answered that question was to say with the diet she's on she'll probably be thin eventually anyway. She said she'd already lost a lot of weight since starting so I figure it should continue.

And could I do better? Maybe. It was that argument that got me thinking if I should dump her and seek a prettier girl.

Dump her... eventually. I feel kind of guilty for leading her on but if I'm to win the affections of another girl I must first gain experience.Of course I'm not ready. That's why I need practice. You can't get good at playing the piano if you never play the piano, right? I can't learn something purely from theory and then be good at it in my first practical attempt.Yeah, I am. I felt really guilty about it all but I probably shouldn't use WP as a confessional. I omitted the worst parts of the story.I'm not sure what that is but it sounds pretty scary. I'm also scared to meet her insane family. She says she hasn't told them about me yet. I hope such psychological issues aren't common among girls who use dating sites.The thing that confused me was that after this exchange she said I was perfect and she was ashamed she couldn't measure up to me. I tried to tell her I'm far from perfect. I tried to give her compliments but she said they were untrue (even though I gave her compliments that were actually true, not made up ones). I suspect many of the compliments she gives me are untrue, including the one about me being perfect and also some compliments that I can't repeat here.

Last edited by RetroGamer87 on 19 Feb 2015, 8:52 am, edited 2 times in total.

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these sentences alone means you dont know how relationships work nor do you love her in any way, doesnt even seem that you are remotely interested in your gf.
we are not saying any thing about skills you need to make a relationship work, we are saying your mind is not ready to form any meaningful connection to a person.

a partner is not a doll you mold after your wishes.



you left out the worst parts?????????
omitt means leaving out something.



sometimes i wonder why i am single when people like you can get girlfriends.



this, exactly this!! !

All right, RetroGamer.

You made some mistakes. You'll learn from them. What's commendable, in a way, is that you were honest with her.

I think, despite your obvious mistakes, that the girl still likes you--and probably for a good reason---because you were honest. She can trust you. You didn't lay out the BS. Women HATE BS!

I don't think you're a bad guy at all, to be honest.

You're right...you have to be out there in order to succeed while being out there.

Just learn from the mistakes, apologize profusely to the girl, DON'T LIVE WITH HER, and meet the parents.

Yes. The last girl I dated was downright gorgeous and was intelligent and kind to boot. Suddenly, when she had a swimsuit on in public she kept trying to hide her body and almost flipped out when someone tried to take her picture. Women are universally VERY self-conscious about their bodies and hate having "flaws" highlighted.


I can relate having exactly zero experience at your age but the fact you are going into it with this horrible attitude means you have a lot of growing up to do. Imagine going into a job interview saying "I hate this job, I don't want to work here but I can use the experience to find something better". Good luck getting hired with that attitude! I am amazed that you could have that attitude about another human being. Not all relationships end in marriage but if you are going into it with this mentality you have already failed.

Newflash: WOMEN AREN'T PIANOS!! ! Ultimately you will learn that we are ALL clueless and nobody is "good" at relationships. How would YOU feel if a "10" told you she was new to town and was using you to make connections to hotter guys and get over a dry spell? Pretty darn hurt and angry I would imagine unless you were looking for something casual.


I was told my first GF had BPD and even though I knew it (after researching it carefully) I did not want to believe it. Yes, Cluster B disorders especially Borderline Personality Disorder (or whatever the DSM V renamed it) are rampant on dating sites just as Narcissistic men are as well. In a nutshell, BPD suffers are dangerously clingy, moody, impulsive and in almost all cases they will NEVER EVER change! My BPD ex almost ruined my life and my sanity and almost got me arrested during one of her rages. She got so crazy during her last rage I, a gentle and kind person dreamed of murdering her. I look back and think "what the f was I thinking?" She is STILL trying to cyberstalk me to this day which is more classic BPD behavior.

Here's a couple of legitimate introductory sources to explore further:
http://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-cond ... n-20023204
http://www.pbs.org/thisemotionallife/topic/bpd/symptoms


Yes, this is classic BPD behavior right here. Regardless of how harsh I was, if I thought you were a lost cause I would not have bothered replying. I think you do have lots of potential once you stop objectifying women and seeing them as objects. I once again urge you to run for the hills before you get in too deep although sometimes you need to experience it firsthand like I did before you get it. I have dated this type many times until I realized how I was subconsciously attracting them. You have been warned.

How would you feel if I told you I wanted to be friends just until I found someone who wasn't so fat? The fact that she DIDN'T run from you should be the biggest red flag of all. I second kraftiefortie in saying you aren't that bad of a guy and you seem to be willing to learn but when it comes to women and relationships, I really want to smack you with a 2X4 over the head to try and knock some sense into you.

Honesty my ass, he's dating her for the wrong reasons.
I am honest too, I don't find very-overweight girls attractive so I don't date them in the first place - period. But I don't make a girl my gf then tell her, oh sorry you're fat.

She probably has a very low self-esteem and desperate to stay with you.

Well, she's a consent adult too, if she loves jerks just because they're honest so be it, I am not very sympathetic about her either.

i like you and you've always seemed like a ok guy, but your views on women are upsetting.

"Not as good as my cousin's wife, who makes up for her 7/10 looks by being super outgoing but still good"

what. like first I don't rate women but say i did, 7 isn't a bad number. i mean if I ate a steak rated at 7 I would love it, why does a 7 have to make up for her looks, but besides that you shouldn't rate humans and then only date based on that ratings.

I lack experience too but I would never date someone just fot eh so purpose of getting some. maybe I won't ever get experience meh, but seems to me that such a thing wouldn't count anyways, since people mean real relationships not fake ones. if you aren't all in how would you get experience. so much of what you said in this post upsets me. you shouldn't date her, you don't seem real interested in her. if you can't love someone when they at their worse you don't deserve them at their best.

also the reason you can't tell a woman shes fat but they can call men fat is women are hypocrites at least in that matter.

That makes sense.

It's just that since before I lost 55 KG by not eating much, I thought maybe the same thing would happen with her.OK I get your point. 7/10 is more than 50%. It's just that I spend a lot of time reading video game reviews and their logorithmic scales. Perhaps on a linear scale 5/10 would be more correct.

And you're right that using out of ten ratings is bad in the first place. In a more perfect world people wouldn't judge each other by looks.

Anyway I was trying to make a point about the ideal personality in a girl. It's probably wrong for me to attempt to alter gf's personality as well, even though when I told her about it I phrased it in a nicer way. I said "I want to help you feel better about yourself". While that would normally be a noble goal, it's not when I'm doing it mainly so she'll be more engaging at parties.I sincerely hope not because you're more deserving of a gf than I am. You're less judgmental and less likely to get a vasectomy behind her back when she's already stated she wants kids. I think it's unfortunate that women have been as unfairly judgmental about you as I have about them.

How are you guys doing, anyway?

I think you're a decent guy, and you'll learn from this.

It does seem like you have common interests.

I don't know...maybe get her a little something--like flowers? Make her feel like you esteem her.