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SignOfLazarus
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21 Feb 2015, 2:48 am

I was at my new GP a couple weeks ago and i was relating a conversation I had over the phone the previous week with someone from an OCD clinic who I had been referred to. At the beginning of the conversation I was describing, the woman was asking me questions about my symptoms and, because OCD can be hard to explain- particularly the "purely mental" aspects- I was just having a difficult time telling her precisely what was going on. So the beginning of the conversation started with a lot of doubtful "hmm's" and "oh.. well, huh." type commentary on her part. Some questions like "well, do you have social anxiety?" or "do you think that is an accurate thought or do you know that's not true?"- which I know is to kind of tweeze out whether there is the kind of dichotomy of thought that goes on with OCD type thinking rather than paranoia or similar.

By the end of the conversation the women said, essentially "Ok, so you know you have severe OCD." "yes, I am completely aware of this." "because we have a fairly long waiting list to get in here" "...well, what am I going to do about that? Not much" "right, just telling you"

I am relating all of this to my new GP and I know it's hard for him to grasp that the OCD I am describing is actually going along with the person he is having the conversation with so finally I say "I know it doesn't seem like it and I seem pretty sane, but trust me: That is NOT at all what's going on in my head. Sane [Laz] is not what happens inside [Laz's] brain."
And i laughed, but the problem is that things have now progressed to the point that even though my GP has been pushing hard to get me fast tracked into the new psych department- in any way possible pretty much- communication issues, and things like that have made it so there have been several delays.

Because I have several different health issues going on, not JUST mental health, not JUST neurological issues, not JUST chronic pain, not JUST hormone issues... it's all one big tangle that needs to be addressed concurrently.

So one thing goes wrong and everything goes to s**t.

Which means I was kind of joking around about the state of my mental environment a week or two ago, and in a way my morbid humor is still intact, today was kind of disastorous. Even though I didn't sleep last night at all because my small cold ramps up my general pain levels Like Whoa, I had to stay awake most of the day to get ONE PHONE CALL and try to have a talk with someone from psych- and that didn't really work.

Eventually I was able to send a very specific and clear message back to my GP saying basically "I get vocal about when I need help- this is me being vocal, so that means I need help" but I was so specific and he dosn't know me so he wasn't sure if I was just, ya know, being very clear and advocating for myself or saying like "I NEED TO GO TO THE ER RIGHT NOW".

I can't win with that. If I don't yell I'm seen as presenting too well and never get help. If I am explicit [though even quite calm] sometimes people are still like "um... do you need an ambulance?". Even when I say "no, I'm not in danger. I do not want to hurt myself, I am not feeling in danger" etc etc etc.

I'm just having a constant OCD Vortext of Doom and I can't even communicate with out feeling like I am getting sucked down into that in most cases at this point.

Even here. In my house. ON the phone. Almost anywhere.
Which is why after I'm done with this I'm going to hit submit, log out and scramble my password so it's harder for me to logon for a couple days and run myself into this complete OCD mental break down. BUT I'm writing this because I kind of need to get it out. And if anyone has anything to share in terms of similar experience- navigating health systems, feeling like they have to jump throuhg a million hoops, difficulty with self advocacy, especially the completely bizarre nature of OCD, I mean if you feel comfortable sharing that might be a little helpful and I can respond in a couple days when I am less likely to trip myself into deeper insanity. I feel like I can read though if I don't log in.

I think if people aren't used to the OCD trigger, response obsess/routine, wash/rinse/repeat thing, saying that^^^ might seem weird.

But anyway, if you feel like you can deal with that, thank you. If you can't and it seems weird, totally understand.

ok, and submit time now.


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heavenlyabyss
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21 Feb 2015, 8:18 am

Yeah, i think I understand maybe, lol.

Sometimes I just want to tell my brain to shut the hell up... I wish there was an on/off switch.



SignOfLazarus
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23 Feb 2015, 3:21 am

Thanks for the reply.

I mean, I'm bipolar also, but that has not been the biggest thing to deal with for a while.
the OCD gets so bad it kicks off depression. Eventually it's so severe it makes me suicidal.
It's not the bipolar running me into the pit of despair at that point- it's actually the OCD forcing me to figure out how I'm going to live through until tomorrow morning.

I thought there were other people on here who experience OCD or frustrations with health care system re: physical and mental health complexities, which would really help to talk about because I'm waiting to be triaged into the psych department as soon as they can create an appointment slot.

So, one of the many times it's kind of like "why did I even bother?". Because I feel like I try to be helpful to other people but I'm not sure if that just pisses people off and no one wants to tell me but this is how they let me know.
Someone told me I have really good social skills and can read people really well the other day. No, I'm as confused and scared as everyone else- just no one realizes it and assumes I know what's going on. So that's fun.

And like, do I share when i get upset, because it's a support board? Or will people just use that information against me and say I'm whining or "fishing for attention" or something? Or that I'm making it up?
^^^am i allowed to type any of that?

I don't know. Whatever it doesn't matter. People don't know me so who cares. Anything I do should be chalked up to malice, clearly.
UGH.


_________________
I don't know about other people, but when I wake up in the morning and put my shoes on, I think, "Jesus Christ, now what?"
-C. Bukowski