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Swillybob
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22 Feb 2015, 11:35 am

Hi guys, this is my first post here, so I'm probably brining up an old topic, are relationships a viable option. Im by no means an expert, but am at the point where I sort of need to make a decision, should I pursue one?

I sure every one now in the community has heard the divorce rate statistic of 80%, which wasn't a thoroughly done polling. And of the more widely studied unemployment rates among AS individuals. I feel lucky enough as I am, Im 19 and only a year and a half from graduating college, I eventually got into the university of my choice and am majoring in something I love, Archaeology. I still have one problem though, I don't have any confidence in myself, Ive been able to meet nice girls and even maintain a light conversation that goes well, and then she tells me to call her or says we should hang out and I lose all confidence. I've used up the small talk,that I learned from school social workers, my patients, etc over the years. Im scared to tell them how I feel, or I not sure how to connect with someone besides other guys. I always seem to run out of things to talk about and Im not sure they'd be interested in the things i tend to ramble on about(Politics and History mostly). So i avoid them, since most people find it either dry or a sore topic. I also feel some people can see strait through me, most of my friends have told me they would have never known I was AS, but some girls seem to always ask if theres something wrong or if I'm feeling ok. Im not sure what to do, im also sort of depressed, but should i tell them about it? Im not sure what to do at this point or if i should try a relationship. I used to like being alone when I was younger, but now I really want to be with someone.
What are your thoughts or experiences when it comes to this?



theoddone
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22 Feb 2015, 4:52 pm

Well if you like this girl pursue it. If you feel like it would help you could tell her you have AS so she understands that you have some weaknesses in socializing. Talk to her about how you feel, she'll hopefully be understanding. What cause you to get anxiety when talkung to her?



Swillybob
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25 Feb 2015, 4:08 pm

Its because I don't really have confidence in myself and I seem to aways dwell on the negative and worst possible outcomes. I seem to always get the feeling that I will get nowhere, and that The more I try the worse it will get. I cant shake the feeling. So that causes the anxiety I'd say.
Im not sure if telling her would make it worse, like I'm looking for sympathy or something. Or worse, she'll have no idea what AS is, allot of people have never heard of it.



RetroGamer87
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27 Feb 2015, 9:16 am

Swillybob wrote:
I feel lucky enough as I am, Im 19 and only a year and a half from graduating college, I eventually got into the university of my choice and am majoring in something I love, Archaeology.
You got into college? You've got one up on me :lol:
Swillybob wrote:
Im not sure if telling her would make it worse, like I'm looking for sympathy or something. Or worse, she'll have no idea what AS is, allot of people have never heard of it.
I often face the same dilemma. If I tell people I often feel like I'm making "excuses" for myself. Sometimes people think I'm one of those self-diagnosed aspies or that aspergers is not a real thing, just something made up to justify bad behavior.

Fortunately there are a lot of aspies where I work so it's not an issue there and my girlfriend was in a relationship with an aspie for two years before she met me so I think she gets it.

Anyway, you're 19, still young. I was at least as bad as you with girls at that age but you'll find you gradually get better with age. Try not to get too hung up about comparing yourself with what age NTs were when they were when they had their first relationship. That's the trap I fall into sometimes but it's less important than it seems.


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ProfessorJohn
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27 Feb 2015, 10:24 am

Yes, Aspies can have successful relationships. I am living proof of one. Didn't have one at your age, I had real self confidence issues also. Didn't know what to say to girls, afraid of what they would think of me, and it didn't help that most of my talking with them occurred when I was drunk at parties.

If you got into a university you are obviously a fairly high functioning aspie, which would definitely help. How I wish the internet was around when I was in college, I could have learned so much about social skills, which ones I lacked, how to improve them. The diagnosis of Asperger's didn't even exist until I was over half way through grad school and the DSM-IV came out. I was discussing that yesterday-I got a Ph.D in Psychology, and none of the professors or students in clinical or developmental psychology could pick up that I had Asperger's, or if they could, they never told me about it. All they could figure out was that I drank too much.

In retrospect, if I was 19 again in this day and age I would definitely get some books about how to recognize flirting behavior in females. There were probably a few females giving off "interest" cues to me that I couldn't pick up on. Also books on how to get a date, things like that. That will help you gain in self confidence and find out what to say, things like that.

I would also recommend not becoming an alcoholic and drug addict. That definitely didn't help things out for me. My dating life really became much better after I had been sober for 2 years or so. Been clean and sober for 21 years now. Hard to imagine I used to live the way I did.