Not sure what to do about this guy...

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emw98
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22 Feb 2015, 2:18 pm

I am really interested in a guy who I suspect may have Asperger's, and I am doing everything I can to try to understand him better. I first noticed him because he was staring at me every time he saw me, for months. I think he likes me too, for many reasons. All throughout the class we had together (we're both in college), he would stare at me and not look away when I caught him. I actually didn't really notice him until all the staring. He actually seemed pretty confident and held my gaze. But he would become very nervous and fidgety whenever I was near him, and never initiated a conversation. I also found out that he added me with a fake facebook account. I finally approached him and he acted like he had never seen me before in his life, even though he had just been sitting right by me in class. I feel like it was a white lie but from what I was told, people with Asperger's syndrome don't lie like that?

Anyway to make a very long story short, there is another girl who he is now hanging around and has been hugging him, etc. She's a good friend of his, while I am more of an acquaintance. This girl clearly likes him. I confronted him and told him I had been wanting to get to know him, and that I thought it was mutual. He told me that she had been his girlfriend for a couple of weeks during the summer, and that he had another relationship earlier in the year, as if those were the reasons why he didn't approach me. he was very nervous while talking to me and part of me suspects that he has never been in relationship before, and is making this up out of insecurity. But he made it clear that he's single now. He told me I can come up to him and talk any time, even if she is there. I told him that would be strange to go up to him with his supposed ex-girlfriend always hanging around, but he said it was okay. He told me he knows he seems like a jerk and he's sorry, but he's just awkward and not very good with girls. Since then we had talked a few more times, and things seemed to be going well. But ever since the new semester started, things are back to the way they were. He walked right past me without even looking at me to sit with her, and I feel like I should just give up...

I don't know what to think. He comes across as really insensitive, as if he is completely oblivious to how much he is hurting me by doing this and either doesn't know and/or doesn't care how confused I am or how I feel. But I am trying to understand his point of view...maybe some of you can give me more insight into this. I thought we were finally going to start making progress but now this girl is always with him and he leaves and drives everywhere with her, and she seems to have incorporated herself into his life and I don't know what I can do other than back down and forget about him. They have all the same friends, while I am a stranger and don't know any of them. I was thinking about inviting him to go somewhere with me, as one last try....but for all I know, the two of them could be dating. So I'm not really sure how to approach this, any advice would be appreciated, thanks guys...



cberg
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22 Feb 2015, 2:40 pm

As a guy on the spectrum I can say with much certainty that most of us are if anything more sensitive than the majority. Granted, at least he tried to give you some answers, although I'm not sure if it's for any of us to say how true they were.

Using Facebook sockpuppets is low. If this guy is in any way particularly tech savvy it's also nigh unbelievably stupid. I don't think you really want to date anybody who deliberately misdirects women in public, particularly online. Avoidable, childish squabbles just like this are what FB relies upon to generate traffic & advertising dollars.


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em_tsuj
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25 Feb 2015, 11:08 pm

You are expecting him to pick up on your cues and act normal. That is not going to happen. For example, you said, "he acted like he never seen me before." That would be totally normal for me, an aspie guy, to do because I don't really know when it is appropriate to talk to an acquaintance or not, even if I really want to talk to the person. I would feel embarrassed if I tried to talk to someone and they don't want me to, so I choose not to. I figure the other person would talk to me if they wanted to.

For me to suddenly stop talking to someone that I know and have talked to several times would be normal too. I don't approach people until I am 100% they want me to talk to them because I don't want to make a social mistake. If I haven't talked to you for a while, I won't talk to you unless you speak first because I won't be sure if you want me to talk to you or not (I am not good at reading body language or guessing another person's intentions).

Another thing I do, if it is a girl I am attracted to, I go out of my way to avoid eye contact and I never initiate any kind of conversation because I get all nervous. I treat them the opposite of the way you would expect a guy to treat a girl he is attracted to.

I also didn't know when women where attracted to me until I got into my upper 20's. I'm still clueless about what to do when a woman is attracted to me.

Bottom line: if you are not comfortable taking the lead, this guy is not the right one for you. He is not going to approach you like a normal guy would. If he has asperger's, he is probably clueless about how to act and does nothing because he has had bad experiences before approaching women. You can't interpret any of his actions the way you would a normal guy. The good news about aspie guys is that, if asked, we are terrible liars. We tend to be honest to a fault, so if he likes you he will admit it and if he doesn't like you he will admit it. We aren't good at coming up with little white lies on the fly to save another person's feelings. I understand that NT's tend lie to keep from hurting other people's feelings but I think it is probably rare for an aspie to do that.