Is really so bad to want love at teenager age?

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Outrider
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23 Feb 2015, 8:09 am

I am a 16 year old male with aspergers. For years and years now I have tried to chase after girls i like but have failed and failed and failed. The most i have done is been friends with girls, asked 1 out (and got a no) and almost asked another one out but failed. I feel like i have tried everything, every idea, but failed. Now when I like a girl I cannot even talk to her or show her that i have feelings for her - I am almost totally mute.

A lot of people tell me 'it's not a game. Just relax and calm down and chill-out and don't go looking for love, just be yourself and relax and be friendly and make friends and love will eventually come to you." and stuff like that.

Bullsh*t I say.

That's only IF you meet someone who feels the same way as you or a girl who at least wants to go out with you to be boyfriend and girlfriend or just friends. Because going out with a girl doesn't mean she has to be your girlfriend you go out on a date to get to know someone better and might end up bf and gf or just friends after.

But really, that's what so many people say - that love and dating isn't a game and you just need to relax and live life.

I HAVE done that. I've always done that. But at times I also want a gf, and this is perfectly healthy and natural.

I would admit I am a little obsessed with girls, I always have been, but I have never let it take over my life or be the only thing in life that I care about.

I like reading stories, writing stories, listening to music, making music, video-games, art, tv, movies, etc. all that stuff and I spend most of my time doing it but still want a gf a bit...

But seriously, why do people say 'stop caring about finding a gf just relax and live life and be yourself and youll find someone one day'.

That's not even true for making FRIENDS. To make friends you need to TRY, to make friends you need to DO.

If all you do at school is sit there and learn, but at home you are the gamer and the mucis maker and the artist and the storywriter and the sports player, etc.

then people AREN'T going to find that out on their own. In life NOTHING is just given to you.

You can't just live life waiting for everything to come to you. YOU have to EARN IT. You have to DO IT YOURSELF, or if you cannot do it, you have to at least TRY, then FAIL, then LEARN from your MISTAKES...

Why am i posting all this? I have some questions/need advice.

Basically:

1. Do you think it is so bad for aspies aged 15-25 to want a relationship? Dating as a teenager or young adult isn't really such a bad thing. Even if your relationships arent very good, you still learn a lot about love and dating and gain experience. Besides, us aspies already start behind in the first place. Better we get a headstart NOW and catch up to NT's now then fall light years behind them LATER.
2. To older aspies in a relationship or married: What kind of relationship advice do you have for young aspies aged 15-25?
3. Other 15-25 year old aspies: How have your experiences in love and dating been? What do you have to say? Have you enjoyed it, has it been hard, do you WISH you knew what to do, etc.?



kraftiekortie
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23 Feb 2015, 9:39 am

I don't think it's bad for teenagers to want a relationship.

However, I have found (including my experience) that deep relationships interfere with schoolwork. Moreover, when I was a teenager, I wasn't so careful about such things as contraception. You have to be REALLY careful about making somebody pregnant--it's a disaster if you're a teenager.

Now...if you don't really want a sexual relationship: Unless it's affecting your schoolwork and your relationship with other people, I don' t see anything wrong with dating/romance.



kraftiekortie
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23 Feb 2015, 10:06 am

What 16-year old boy who is heterosexual is NOT obsessed with girls?



darkphantomx1
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23 Feb 2015, 10:14 am

It is a well known fact that chicks dig world of warcraft players. Start playing world of warcraft and you'll be getting girls left and right.



AngelRho
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24 Feb 2015, 2:44 pm

Outrider wrote:
2. To older aspies in a relationship or married: What kind of relationship advice do you have for young aspies aged 15-25?

I wrote the book on this topic, and it is available for free download right here in this thread. So brew up some fresh coffee, sit back, and relax for yet another classic AngelRho tl;dr! ;)

You may find this hard to believe, but some of the things you've said echoes my own attitudes at your age. I understand the intense frustration. I understand obsessing over getting into a relationship. I tended to have a little more faith in the whole "relax, be yourself, love will come" etc. than you do, but at the same time I recognize that doesn't make anyone feel better. Essentially, my experience has been just being deathly afraid of being alone and that shaped how I went about trying to get a gf. I ended up in a really bad relationship with a girl, and it was very difficult to get out of it. The first step (when I was in college) was admitting I'd rather be alone than in a bad relationship. The next step was getting over this idea that nobody else would be interested in me. The final step was letting go of this idea that every relationship I got into had to work out. I got out of one bad relationship into another bad relationship. Thankfully that one was brief. A few months versus a few years. After that, I started to feel a little more confident around women, and in a way it felt more "game-like." It's not REALLY a game, it's just that I'd done this enough to know what to expect--so now it's more like, can I get this girl to make out/sleep with me and things not be weird tomorrow, or are we just going to play and not really get anywhere? More often the latter than the former, but in retrospect I'm actually GLAD the most fun and interesting interactions didn't go very far. I'm honestly looking for a relationship, so when things don't work out at first, it's a time saver, not to mention less mentally/emotionally frustrating.

I think your greatest liability is your age. You may disagree, and that's fine, but personally I think you need to be focussed more on education and laying the foundations for your career. Forget about girls. Seriously, just forget about it. Work on skill-building and interpersonal relational best practices and everything else in life will fall into place. Yeah, yeah, I know….BS. But that "BS" is more important at the moment because that's going to facilitate your ability to meet women and go out on dates. As you get older and get more experience dealing with people, romantic relationships will be a lot easier.

Having said that, and if you're still with me by this point, if you don't have a lot of experience with romantic involvement or even just making friends, here is how you do it:

First, and MOST IMPORTANT--Learn and PRACTICE the Golden Rule. You probably know the KJV version of the Golden Rule, but I heard a different version that I really like: "Do more for others than for yourself." Why is that important? Because people are selfish. We all are. What separates wealthy and popular people from those who aren't is a commitment to meeting the needs and desires of others ahead of their own. These people are generous and kind, and because of their generosity and kindness, people gravitate to them and help them do what they do. Steve Jobs could have spent his entire life in his garage tinkering with electronics just for fun. But rather than do that, he figured out a way to bring computer-building to friends and acquaintances. He built Apple, got fired, and Apple came crawling begging him to come back. He didn't need Apple to keep building computers, he just kept right at it, kept getting good machines out to folks who could use them, added a certain "cool" factor to them, and just enjoyed the ride. Everyone loved Jobs, and it was between being passionate about computers and wanting consumers to be happy that he got showered with friends and money. Not that Jobs was perfect or always had the kindest business practices, but he for the most part understood and practiced the Golden Rule.

Do not underestimate the power of the Golden Rule.

Apply that to dating. Women…no, scratch that…PEOPLE want to feel special. How do you make them feel special? Show interest. Show people you are interested in them enough, they will always want you around because your mere presence makes them feel good about themselves. So when it comes to romantic relationships, you want to focus on what SHE likes. If you find her attractive, don't hold back on compliments. DO hold back on criticism. Never criticize. If she's into something you really have no interest in, you need to take interest in it. Not because you have interest in it, but because SHE has interest in it. "I have no idea what you're talking about…you are speaking a completely different language to me. But it seems REALLY fascinating, and I'd like to know more. Would it bother you to slow down, break things down a little more so I can understand what it is you're doing there?" Get her to take you through whatever it is she likes or does, even if you feel like a complete imbecile, and she's putty in your hands. Your interests do not matter. Don't talk about yourself UNLESS it is somehow relevant to her interests. Perhaps you have information on something she likes that she didn't know before. If she becomes interested in you and wants to know about you, THEN you can share, but you need to throw that ball back in her court as quickly as possible. Any time you dwell on yourself, you're going to lose her.

And this applies whether you're just asking a girl out or if you've been married over 9 years like me. If you understand and apply the Golden Rule, you're off to a great start.

Now…how to get a girl to go out with you…

I'm going to give the same advice I often get a lot of hate for. It's a common-sense approach that WILL work if you stick with it.

First, Golden Rule.

Second, you need the proper equipment: I recommend a medium-sized Moleskine and a reliable writing instrument, but any writing journal or pen/pencil will do. You need a good place to keep this so that it won't be found by the wrong people.

Start by committing yourself to getting to know at least two girls/women a week. Write down names, phone numbers, favorite perfumes/body spray/etc., clothing measurements (if you can get them), birthdays, birthstones, favorite colors, eye color, any contact info/social networking, special interests/hobbies, and whatever other relevant (and appropriate) personal info you can get. This may sound creepy, but you need to do it and be in the habit of doing it. You're not an axe murderer. You just want to know ahead of time if you buy her a nice sweater for Christmas that it's going to fit and that she'll actually wear it at some point. You have to be careful buying personal items, but having a little info on your side is going to help minimize the risk when you shop for someone.

That's your basic foundation. Meet them, get names, get whatever info you CAN. Get in the habit of that. Remember it. Write it down. It's possible to get just what you absolutely need within one minute of meeting someone. Your goal is to meet these women multiple times over a long period, so remember the most relevant stuff and WRITE IT DOWN.

When you first meet someone, or if you've met and your interactions have been roughly a minute at a time, your first goal is to get someone to spend 5 minutes with you. You do this by being interested in her and SHOWING her you're interested. "Hi! I see you around here all the time! My name is ____. What's yours? Nice to meet you! So what do you do all day besides hang out here? Oh, you work where? Oh, yeah! Do you know _____? Yeah, good friend of mine. Very cool! So what kind of work do you do there? REALLY? Wow! How long have you been doing that? Cool! How long did it take you to learn to do that? Oh wow…that's really neat. So how exactly do you do that? I see…oh, so you just…ok…I had no idea how people did that. I bet you really have to be smart! So tell me how ____ works. That's really cool! (30 second warning) Ugh…look at the time…I'm sorry, I really have to get going. It was so awesome meeting you and talking to you! Hey, will you be here tomorrow? Oh, next week? I'd love to hear more about how you______. It's nice to meet you [name]. See you then!

Notice the setup. The point is to get her talking and KEEP her talking. You got where she works, what she does, common friends/acquaintances, and you can make notes of her eye color, what color/style clothing she prefers, costume jewelry if any, possibly some idea of what kind of perfume she likes if she's wearing any. These exchanges are SHORT, but you can get a lot out of someone in that time. Every convo will be different, you can't use my examples as perfect templates, but the idea is the same in principle: get her talking, keep her talking. Show interest in her, she will become interested in you. It works virtually EVERY TIME. I like meeting random women in Wal-Mart and in the park. I'm married, not interested in other relationships, I'm well aware these women will never have any romantic interest in me and I don't care, but the way this happens is like magic. Any time you get information about anyone you're interested in, YOU WIN. Sometimes, just knowing I still got it makes me feel a little better about myself.

Now, if you can do that much, you can turn 5 minutes into an hour.

If you go with the above scenario, you know where she hangs out--obviously, you wouldn't have met if you you weren't hanging out in the same place to begin with. The first time is by accident. The second time is on purpose.

So you get 5 MORE minutes with someone. You've done your homework. You wrote down her name, so you refer to her by name. You asked her to give a shout-out to your buddy at the pizza place (or where ever). You might even already know about some of her hobbies. So you just really pick whatever topic of interest there is. It doesn't even really matter which one, just pick something she likes and bring it up. If she's like most people, she'll talk your ear off. Keep following the 5 minute model, and throw this line in: [30 second warning] Hey, I've got to run. It was great seeing you again! I'd love to hear more about ______. You said you like to hang out at [place]. Would it be ok if we met up at [place] at [time] for [lunch/coffee]? That would be awesome!

Chances are you'll get your first date that way. Why? Because it's not a date-date. It's a get-together either on her territory or on neutral ground. Just two new friends getting together to chat. No expectations. Just hanging out. Keep an eye on the clock. Give yourself a 5-minute warning, wrap up the conversation, pay for her coffee/meal/whatever (unless she fights you over it), and mention you're looking forward to talking to her again where ever it was you first met. Oh, btw, can I call/email/txt/facebook you sometime?

You'll talk again a few days later, maybe do another hour date. Why not? You've done it before. So take it a step further: "Oh, you mentioned you like movies/bowling/chinese food. I was thinking about going out to [place] Friday/Saturday night. Would you be up for going out?" You just took your hour fake-date and turned it into a two-hour REAL date-date. Is it possible she'll turn you down? Of course. But she could have turned you down at any time up to this point. You're already dating, so it's not as likely she'll refuse.

But what if she does? What if you don't make it past the first 5 minutes?

No problem.

Remember, I said you need to get in the habit of meeting two women every week. Don't stop adding to your journal. Keep notes on dates, even 5-minute ones. Make small notes on what you talked about, review, review, review, memorize, and have conversation starters locked and loaded every time you see someone you just met last week. The point of having a "black book" is not to stalk, harass, or keep score. That's old school, perverted, creepy, and it doesn't even really work. The point is to stay organized. It's about who you know and what you need to know about them, not some PUA catalog.

If you're getting to know, even for 1 minute, two women every week, you're making notes, starting conversations, you're going to build up a long list of acquaintances in a short amount of time. This is not unrealistic or unreasonable. So when you take the step of asking someone out and you get turned down…which you will…often…you just move on to the next name on the list. It may take some time and getting to know a LOT of women, but eventually SOMEONE is going to accept a date with you. Do NOT limit yourself to a single person. You're JUST FRIENDS. You have no commitments, nor any desire for commitments right now. You just want to get to know MOOS. That's all. No expectations, no demands, no conditions. If you keep this up for 2-3 months, you'll never spend a weekend alone again. It's really that simple.

Now, sooner or later, you're going to want to get into a romantic relationship. Don't rush this part. Enjoy getting to know a lot of women as friends. Some of them will play or flirt with you. Some just want the attention. Some are just desperate. You'll get to know them all, you'll learn TONS of things you were never interested in at first. But, eventually, you want to get into a relationship. Here's how you do it:

You already know a lot of women by this point. So you start paying attention to who you hang out with the most. More women will turn you down that not, but over time this is less and less a problem. Start weeding them out. If you get turned down 3 consecutive times for a date, any date on any level, cross her off the list. Look for women who are mentally unstable and cross them off your list (they rank near the top…get rid of these quickly because if you end up in a relationship with one of them, she's VERY difficult to get rid of. Trust me, I know this from experience). Cross out women who gossip, trash their exes, make fun of your mother, etc. Finally, cross off anyone with whom you just feel no chemistry at all. If you've been at this up to a year, you should expect there will be at least 4 women who are very sweet, kind, funny, and whatever other characteristics you idealize. Between any two of those, it's pretty much a coin toss as to who you'll have a positive romantic relationship with.

So you get into a LTR with someone, and say it doesn't work out. No big deal. Give yourself two or three weeks, and call up the next woman. Start hanging out. You almost asked her for an exclusive relationship at one point, so chances are there's at least a smoldering ember or two left that you can fan into something significant. And when that doesn't work out, go to the next one on your list. And if you strike out 3 or 4 times, go back to your original master list. Start with all your lady friends even remotely worthy of another chance, and start the whole process back over from there, adding two new names to the list every week. Chances are you're not going to wait as long as you did the first time around, nor will you need to. Just try to go as far as you can, because if you end up flat on your face again, you want to always give yourself a good starting point so you can pick right back up where you left off. It takes a lot of time. But you'll eventually win.

The way you win is by making a lot of friends, maintaining contact with them, and keeping a realistic mindset about the whole thing. The romance didn't work out, but I'm not unfriending you on Facebook or getting a temporary restraining order. We can still talk, we can still hang out, but we also accept that our relationship together isn't going in THAT direction. If we can be ok with that, we can be lifelong friends, and it's OK.

A whole different discussion, but what will really help is if you become ok with relationships NOT working out. It's not in your best interest for them all to work. Let them work if they're GOING to work, but never push it. If you can't accept a girl as a friend, she's not going to be a very good girlfriend. Make positive relationships, not romantic relationships, your top priority.

Finally, that's what most people actually mean when they say that "love will find you" and to not look for love. You do need to set yourself up for it, which isn't that difficult. It's really easy. When you're young, it's easy to be impatient and dismissive. I understand that--I was 16 at one point, too. It was not a fun part of my life, and I'm glad I'm not a kid anymore. But if you're in the HABIT of meeting new people all the time, if you're in the habit of remembering names and interests, if you get people to talk more about themselves than you talk about yourself, you WILL be popular. You WILL make friends that way. You WILL attract women and romantic LTRs. And, yes, love WILL find you that way. But it's going to take getting to know a LOT of people. It's going to take a LOT of time. It's going to take a LOT of heartbreak. It's going to take a LOT of patience. It's going to take a LOT of work. You succeed when you stick with it.

"You have all the weapons you need. Now FIGHT."



CockneyRebel
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26 Feb 2015, 8:49 pm

I have no problems with teenage relationships, as long as they're a responsible couple.


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darkphantomx1
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26 Feb 2015, 9:26 pm

I'm pretty sure most teenagers want to be in a relationship. Young love is where it's at brotha.



KayteeKay
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26 Feb 2015, 9:59 pm

Outrider wrote:
I am a 16 year old male with aspergers. For years and years now I have tried to chase after girls i like but have failed and failed and failed. The most i have done is been friends with girls, asked 1 out (and got a no) and almost asked another one out but failed. I feel like i have tried everything, every idea, but failed. Now when I like a girl I cannot even talk to her or show her that i have feelings for her - I am almost totally mute.

A lot of people tell me 'it's not a game. Just relax and calm down and chill-out and don't go looking for love, just be yourself and relax and be friendly and make friends and love will eventually come to you." and stuff like that.

Bullsh*t I say.

That's only IF you meet someone who feels the same way as you or a girl who at least wants to go out with you to be boyfriend and girlfriend or just friends. Because going out with a girl doesn't mean she has to be your girlfriend you go out on a date to get to know someone better and might end up bf and gf or just friends after.

But really, that's what so many people say - that love and dating isn't a game and you just need to relax and live life.

I HAVE done that. I've always done that. But at times I also want a gf, and this is perfectly healthy and natural.

I would admit I am a little obsessed with girls, I always have been, but I have never let it take over my life or be the only thing in life that I care about.

I like reading stories, writing stories, listening to music, making music, video-games, art, tv, movies, etc. all that stuff and I spend most of my time doing it but still want a gf a bit...

But seriously, why do people say 'stop caring about finding a gf just relax and live life and be yourself and youll find someone one day'.

That's not even true for making FRIENDS. To make friends you need to TRY, to make friends you need to DO.

If all you do at school is sit there and learn, but at home you are the gamer and the mucis maker and the artist and the storywriter and the sports player, etc.

then people AREN'T going to find that out on their own. In life NOTHING is just given to you.

You can't just live life waiting for everything to come to you. YOU have to EARN IT. You have to DO IT YOURSELF, or if you cannot do it, you have to at least TRY, then FAIL, then LEARN from your MISTAKES...

Why am i posting all this? I have some questions/need advice.

Basically:

1. Do you think it is so bad for aspies aged 15-25 to want a relationship? Dating as a teenager or young adult isn't really such a bad thing. Even if your relationships arent very good, you still learn a lot about love and dating and gain experience. Besides, us aspies already start behind in the first place. Better we get a headstart NOW and catch up to NT's now then fall light years behind them LATER.
2. To older aspies in a relationship or married: What kind of relationship advice do you have for young aspies aged 15-25?
3. Other 15-25 year old aspies: How have your experiences in love and dating been? What do you have to say? Have you enjoyed it, has it been hard, do you WISH you knew what to do, etc.?


1. It is perfectly reasonable to want to date at 15-25... but whatever you're currently doing doesn't seem to be working AND seems to be making you stressed/unhappy, so perhaps a new approach is in order.

2. There are plenty of NT 15-22 yos who very very much want to date but don't seem to have much luck at it -- so you, as a dateless Aspie at 15, are hardly alone. (I had one boyfriend in freshman yr in high school, then no dates for the rest of high school, then pretty much always had a boyfriend all the way through grad school. And most of my girlfriends didn't even start dating til a year or two into college).

Before offering any sort of advice, my questions are:
- do you have a few close friends? (If not, then working on the skills to acquire friends is a first step... before trying to get a gf).
- do you live in a really small town/far from bigger places? (A lot of dating is a numbers game -- and if you're in a town of 1,455 people and the nearest bigger town is more than an hour's drive away... Makes stuff harder)



Cafeaulait
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27 Feb 2015, 3:30 pm

Perfectly normal. I agree with all the previous things said.



Zajie
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27 Feb 2015, 3:45 pm

I don't see it good because of my religious belief and because I always thought its stupid, but a counselor told me few days ago it would help me from being angry, full of hate and aloof by getting rid of some hate and anger I have and make me more warm.



chagya
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27 Feb 2015, 4:21 pm

Love? I do not believe teenagers are capable of experiencing "love". I also do not think most teenagers are capable of accepting that any adult can or should be telling them that what they (and every teenager before and after them) think is "love" is actually something quite different.



KayteeKay
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01 Mar 2015, 1:11 pm

chagya wrote:
Love? I do not believe teenagers are capable of experiencing "love". I also do not think most teenagers are capable of accepting that any adult can or should be telling them that what they (and every teenager before and after them) think is "love" is actually something quite different.


Some teens are, some teens aren't capable of "love" -- not unlike how some adults are capable of it, while others aren't.

What most (but by no means all) teens lack is perspective...



AngelRho
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01 Mar 2015, 2:24 pm

KayteeKay wrote:
chagya wrote:
Love? I do not believe teenagers are capable of experiencing "love". I also do not think most teenagers are capable of accepting that any adult can or should be telling them that what they (and every teenager before and after them) think is "love" is actually something quite different.


Some teens are, some teens aren't capable of "love" -- not unlike how some adults are capable of it, while others aren't.

What most (but by no means all) teens lack is perspective...

QFT.

I'll be the first to admit I was a pretty stupid teen back in the day. Heck, I'm still pretty stupid as an adult. But I'm learning things and building what I already know. I fail at this, but I try to make my #1 rule "No Whining." #2 Follows on that--don't talk about other people to other people unless you're saying something nice. I got paid a funny comment this morning. I'm a supporting character on a reality show (Breaking Greenville), and an acquaintance of mine said she saw me on the show and said I looked like the smartest person on the show. Well…I'm NOT the smartest person on the show, and the cast are fantastic people that I'm privileged to know and associate with. But I also don't talk much in public, whereas everyone else tend to play to the camera to various degrees (and you can't really help it, either, which is why I think shows like that are so entertaining). So for the combined .5 seconds they showed my face, well, yeah, I can see how someone might get that impression. What my friend DIDN'T see were the bits the producers cut…and I'm THANKFUL for getting cut!

But the point is you learn stuff as you grow, kinda like how everyone should exercise their Miranda rights whether they've been arrested or not. And love is no different. There's nothing wrong with wanting love as a teenager. And I suppose, to be accurate, I should say there's really not many "wrong" ways to respond to it. A few, yes, but not all that many. But there are ways of responding to love or the desire for love that are better or more effective than others. There are ways of attracting friends that are more effective, and there are ways of attracting MOOS that are more effective. And there are ways of maintaining relationships that are less stressful than others. I just think it is dangerous, perhaps more so for us than NTs, to pursue attachments to others at that age. I've wanted to win the game, I've always played the game, and I played that game so hard that breakups were catastrophic every single time they happened. You won't necessarily find yourself in the ugly relationships I've been in, no, but I would say you're more at risk. Part of that negatively impacted my performance in high school and college, and I'm not proud of that.

By the time I entered grad school, I got it all figured out, had a wonderful and unfortunately brief relationship with a lovely undergrad, and I can honestly say that there were no pressures in that relationship to sacrifice school work for "us time." It's not easy finding a no-conditions kind of person, and unless you're married and solidly committed to common goals, relational pressures can be absolutely crushing. Your teen years are the most important formative years of your life. Why do that to yourself?



princessarachne
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30 Mar 2015, 10:39 pm

kraftiekortie wrote:
What 16-year old boy who is heterosexual is NOT obsessed with girls?


one with tiger parents?



Mahler7
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30 Mar 2015, 11:02 pm

1. Wanting to be in a relationship is not a bad thing.
2. Not currently in a relationship.
3. I wanted a relationship in high school. I tried and failed and tried and failed. I didn't end up with my first relationship until I turned 20. That lasted 2 years and I've been single since. I think getting into relationships is harder for people with ASD (especially for guys) and I think maintaining them is also a great challenge for everyone with ASD.



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31 Mar 2015, 6:55 pm

kraftiekortie wrote:
What 16-year old boy who is heterosexual is NOT obsessed with girls?


Those who have more immediate and pressing things to be obsessed with. It also helps if you know you’re light-years away from any realistic chance of making a true connection with a girl.


_________________
The red lake has been forgotten. A dust devil stuns you long enough to shroud forever those last shards of wisdom. The breeze rocking this forlorn wasteland whispers in your ears, “Não resta mais que uma sombra”.