Forever Alone

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I don't get it. I mean, I don't understand. What do you want from me? I thought we were supposed be equals. I'm fairly attractive, visually. But, no one cares. I have very little money, just enough to satisfy myself with food and electronic stuff, but no one knows. No one even knows me. I don't know anyone. I keep hearing these stories, that women like men who have prospects. I didn't know anything about that until recently. I'm almost 27 years old. I can't have a job, it is literally psychological torture for me to work with people. I can hardly leave my house without feeling like everyone who can see me wants to torment me. Every time I leave my house to get groceries for myself, or take a short walk just to get some sunlight and exercise, I feel horrible, but only when there's people. Even if there is only one person, it's enough to make my skin crawl. And, when there's attractive women around, it just feels like my body is trying to poison itself, there's this pain that I don't know how to describe. It feels like I'm slowly being tied up and dragged into a dungeon to be locked into a tiny chest where I can hardly breathe.

I went out to some stores today. Went to get a video game, and then for a short walk, and then to the grocery store. There were two attractive women at the video game store. There was one attractive woman at the grocery store. One of the women at the video game store worked there. I remember thinking to myself that she kinda looked like Mary from Silent Hill 2, but more attractive, if any of you have played that game. I almost wanted to tell her that, but I didn't want to seem creepy, since Silent Hill 2 happens to be a rather creepy game, so I said nothing. I just said I want to pre order this game... thank you... have a nice day. She kinda seemed friendly almost, but I really don't know. I can't read people well.

The one woman at the grocery store was talking on her cell phone. I walked past her, and I got this feeling inside of me. Maybe I'm wrong, because I'm really no good at reading people. Her eyes were open wide as I passed her, I just had this feeling like she really did not want me anywhere near her for some reason. And then a few minutes later, I'm trying to decide what to buy from the deli. I didn't feel like cooking today because I feel lethargic. Right before I'm ready to tell the deli worker what I want, that same woman shows up and asks if she can quickly get something if I haven't decided what to get yet. I step back and let her go on with it, and she says, "Whatever." I don't know what she meant by "whatever", and I don't know why she said "whatever". I didn't even say anything. She asks the deli worker for a big pickle.... okay then.

I went home, and as I was eating my deli food, I began to notice myself emotionally falling into an abyss. I couldn't stop thinking about how I felt. This always happens when I go out, but it seems to get worse and worse every time. I see attractive women, and I feel myself sinking, and I feel my peace fading away. Sometimes when I go out, I try to not look at anyone, and just ignore that anyone exists out there, and it can help a little sometimes, but I get curious.

I can't get a girlfriend. It's not about sex. It's primarily about just wanting a woman to want me for me, whatever that is, my personality, my interests, my looks. And, not because I have prospects... which I don't, and probably never will. I want a woman for the same reasons. Personality, interests, looks. Yes, sex is a part of it, that's why I want a girlfriend, and not a boyfriend. My inability to get a girlfriend makes me wish I were gay, since they say guys are easier to get involved with, and gay guys have hit on me in the past several times. But I'm not gay so that won't work for me.

I have wanted to be with a girl since I was very young, maybe I was 4 years old, or even younger. It is the main reason I have been depressed my whole life. No one cares. People just say things like, don't worry about it, you're too young to worry about that, focus on school work that you absolutely hate. There's more to life than girls. And, yeah, I know that there is more to life, but sometimes I reach this point where everything else in life just disappears, I lose interest in everything, the only thing that matters is finding a woman that likes me. It makes me want to kill myself, because I know it is impossible. It is the only reason I have wanted to die.

For a while I was able to push these urges away somehow. I was able to ignore that there were any people on this planet. I just played video games and watched videos and listened to music. I never leave the house, unless I need food. I felt peaceful... but then I would have to go to the grocery store. I am so disturbed by it that I tried to find some way to get my food delivered to my front door, but I couldn't find anything affordable or convenient.

Sometimes, rarely, a woman smiles at me, or waves, or says hi. I appreciate this greatly... but it sends me even further down into the depression. How do I go further then saying hi, waving, smiles? I never get to talk with anyone. I've talked with therapists for most of my life, and they were never any help whatsoever. I've been on various medications during most of my life. Medication only made things one hundred times worse. I've gone to group therapy a few times recently, and it always ends in great disappointment and humiliation. Last time I went to group therapy, I thought I was making friends, but I wasn't. I thought I was making progress, but I got nowhere, nothing but rejection, for seemingly nothing at all. I must have said something faux pas, obviously. It started out with smiles, talking, emails, being invited into their house, but after that, avoidance and rejection. That was just over a year ago. My last social encounter.

I can't get myself to do anything this past several days. I was in a severe depression for the same reason just a couple years ago for several years. I don't want to go back to that. It's like being in solitary confinement, literally. ****ing literally. Same thing. Absolute Hell. I want to forget about women, and just play video games, and watch youtube, and movies. But now I can't enjoy anything, I just lay in bed thinking to myself out loud until I feel an urge to make seizure-like movements. I did that today, and I hurt my back and my neck. Then I went into the bathroom and screamed at myself really loud in the mirror. It calmed me down a little, but it did not solve the problem.

I don't know why I'm coming here to tell you this. There's nothing any of you can do to help me. There's nothing you can say that I don't already know. For a long time I've been coming to this website reading posts here, too scared to post here myself after what they did to me one of the first times I was ever on a forum eight years ago on a different website.

I wish I could find a like minded woman, someone maybe just as screwed up as I am, or worse. I don't think I'd want to be with someone who's all stable and normal. I don't know.

What am I supposed to do? This is the only reason I am depressed. What do I do?

You have almost written my exact life and feeling. That feeling of loneliness and the pain it causes. I can give you no advice, but I can tell you I can completely understand your situation.

Hello,
I am from Spain I have 39 years and my English is not very good, but when I read your post I felt I had to tell you you're not alone, I think are many who feel that way, in my case I have work, as I have 15 years working in the same company I feel somewhat comfortable, but always run home after work because I feel that I'm holding the air all day and only when I cross the door of my house I feel that I can breath again, I've had six boyfriends in my live, and all the relasionships end the same way, they making me feel unable to fit, depressed, inadequate, more alone than ever. all my exboyfriend without exception have always tried to change me, and I've tried, really, but I can not, so now I have no friends (I have never had), I do not want no other boyfriend.
like you always wanted a boyfriend, someone to accept me as I am but I have never found one, all them approached me for my appearance, some even told me they thought I was different (personality for what I looks), the last was a little better than the others but he was very sociable and wanted to go sites, I tried but like you I do not feel comfortable outside home and at the end it was over.
In the end I've given up, I'm too hurt to want to find someone, I'd rather be alone the rest of my life than to be with someone who does not understand me and wants me to be who I am not.
I's only a week ago that I heard the word Asperger hitherto I thought there was something broken in me, as a model factory that goes bad ... now I feel for the first time in my life that is not, and to discover this place at least I can express myself without anxiety for the first time in my life, s**t I'm crying so I leave here.

First thought, don't over-think people's reactions to you. The woman at the video game store was an employee, she's paid to be nice to customers and she's probably had hundreds of nearly identical interactions with customers in the past. The woman from the grocery store and the Deli probably barely noticed you either, most people tend to be self-absorbed, I would bet that she was more focused on getting her shopping and getting home than on you.

Second thought, if you're seeking a relationship to help cure your depression, you're seeking it for the wrong reasons, and you're probably going to fail. Women aren't going into relationships looking to be someone's therapist, they want someone they can have a good time with. If you do go seeking a relationship to fix your emotional problems, more likely than not you'll end up with someone manipulative if you end up with anyone at all.

Third thought: "There's nothing any of you can do to help me. There's nothing you can say that I don't already know" - Try to lose the negative attitude. Your situation is only hopeless if you believe that it's hopeless. You're sabotaging yourself from the start if you don't believe in the possibility of success. It sounds counter-intuitive, but people with a more optimistic outlook on life tend to have better life outcomes than people with 'realistic' outlooks, because they expect success, they try things, and more things, than people who are expecting failure from the get go.

You seem to have a lot of issues that would best be worked through with a therapist, preferably one who specialises in people with autism spectrum disorders.

Are there any social or support groups for people with autism in your area?

Also have you tried online dating? You can be upfront about your living situation and prospects (don't frame it negatively though) and start talking to people without stepping outside (you're going to have to at some point if you're serious about getting a girlfriend though).

Therapists are completely useless if they do not have any specialization in dealing with adults with autism. Invariably they begin talking in circles because they don't know what to do even if they don't know you're autistic. Group therapy usually has a therapist running it. Did you ask the person running it what went wrong? Did the people in the group tell you what you were doing "wrong"? Did ANY of them know you are autistic? That might have been an important detail...if you left it out.

Do you have any sort of aversion to bathing/hygiene/showering/deoderant?

Sometimes the classic depression meds are better than the newfangled crap. Has your health care professional ever put you on Amitryptiline (elavil) or Imipramine (tofranil)? (as an added bonus, generic tofranil is dirt cheap)

@ Xanzotire

The woman at the video game store is paid to be nice to customers. Yes, I know that.

The woman at the grocery store barely noticed me. I know that.

I don't want a woman to be my therapist, I want a woman to have a good time with.

I had a girlfriend once, she was not my therapist. We had a good time together for a few years.

I was never happier in my life, and she was never my therapist.

We weren't meant for each other. Even though she had Autism too. She was still too different from me.

"Third Thought". I'm not always like this. I'm not always negative. Being optimistic changes nothing. I go outside for walks, I try to appear relaxed, try to smile when people say hi, and say hi back, wave back when people wave at me.

There have been times when I got my hopes up, I was optimistic. It caused me to fail. My last social encounter with the people I met at group therapy, I was being optimistic. Optimism can sometimes get your hopes up too high, and when your hopes are shattered, you fall a long way to the ground. I was expecting success, I got failure.

I have looked for people that specialize in Autism. There are none anywhere near here.

There are no groups for Autism here.

I have tried online dating. I get a lot of "no replies". I did have a few "friends" on there. There were a few girls that said I was "hot". They lived far away. I had two online relationships. Both crumbled after a week or two. I never met them. There was another girl I met online who was just a friend, and she was thinking about meeting me, but she lived far away, and circumstances were bad. She liked the way I looked, she wanted me to be in her band, she was a good singer, and I'm good at making rhythms and lyrics, but I suck at singing, she even said that I could make her famous with what I was able to do. We talked on the phone everyday for hours and hours. But, circumstances were bad, we went out separate ways, not because of anything either of us did wrong, but because we were too far apart, and there was stuff she needed to do, and stuff I needed to do.

@ Shebakoby

Yup, I told them I am Autistic. Didn't matter. Never did matter, no one cares if I have Autism, if I faux pas even a tiny bit, I get thrown out.

They didn't tell me 'what' I did wrong, they hinted at it, and I don't understand what they were 'specifically' hinting at.
What they were hinting at made me think they were hating on me for my Autistic symptoms, I tried to explain, but it changed nothing.

I have good hygiene.

No. No meds. Never again. No. Never. Been on so many of them. Only makes things one hundred times worse.

@ karely39

For me it's the same. I've given up for a long time. About five years.
I'd rather be alone than be with people who are not compatible.

I found out about Autism 8 years ago.
When I found out, I was very happy. I was so glad I was not alone.
I finally understood what had been happening my whole life.
But... I was still alone. I was too scared to talk to more people on the Internet after what I had been through.
I don't know where to find people like myself other than here.

@ Welsh_Wolf2015

Thank you. I appreciate your response.

I and probably many others here could have written that exact same story.
My only ambition in life was to have a girl to Love forever, I asked a girl to marry me when I was 6.
That desire is so strong, that everything else in life is meaningless without it.
I could afford to go on a nice holiday every year, but never do, whats the point on your own?
I wish I was 5 again, before I discovered girls and was free to enjoy life.

Yep time for all of us to be alone and sad forever in the moping sausage fest. Now for the official song!

I feel your pain op. I have trouble getting girls myself. I've been celibate almost my entire life i'm still a virgin I was lucky a enough to kiss a girl when I was 18 I'm 26 now. I didn't go to my first house party to I was 22. I kissed a girl there as well. I hooked up with another chick that same year. Since 22 I never really got anywhere with any girl. For the last 4 years I've been incel and its still going on right now. NTs can be a pain in the ass to deal with sometimes. When I was teen them ppl thought I was wierd. No wonder I get jealous of those ppl they just have normal lives and we aspies have it hard. We need to learn scientefically things they no instinctivly. In the end I think alot of NTs are spoiled by mother nature.

sadly this will be the story of many teen autistics when they reach their late 20s.

@ KayteeKay

Seek treatment for depression. Been doing that my whole life, and been "getting that". Been on almost twenty different pills in my life. None of them worked, and in fact, they made things one hundred times worse.

Seek treatment for sensory processing issues. Doing that right now, and have been doing that for quite a while, about a year.

Work on social skills. Doing it now.

My happiness is not 'based' on anyone else. You don't know my entire story. You don't want me to bore you with my entire story, trust me. That's why my name is Cool Story Bro.

I've been perfectly happy for around a year.

I just get lonely sometimes. And it can make me depressed for a little while. Sometimes really depressed.

I'm not depressed right now, for example. And I was not depressed a few weeks ago, for example.

I was depressed for a long period of time when I was a little younger, but to be fair, I was on some horrible soul sucking pills, and am no longer on them. I am currently in the process of detox from one pill that I hate. It causes fluctuations in my mood and personality as time goes by and events transpire.

I can't control my thoughts. I can't control my emotions. I can't control my desires.

Can you choose to like something you hate?

When it is dark, you cannot see. When it is bright, you can see. If it's too bright, you can't see.

When you feel something, then you feel it, if you don't, then you don't.

I am who I am, and there's nothing me or anyone else or anything else can do to stop it.

I'm not hurting anyone, there's nothing to worry about. I'm not out of control, if that's what you're thinking based on what I've said about my "lack of control".

And yes, I am a hard determinist. I cannot see reality any other way after what I've witnessed, and continue to witness.

But, if you believe in free will, that's fine, there's nothing wrong with that. It makes no difference anyway. But, I have my beliefs. And, you have yours.