Forever Alone

Post Reply New Topic

I don't get it. I mean, I don't understand. What do you want from me? I thought we were supposed be equals. I'm fairly attractive, visually. But, no one cares. I have very little money, just enough to satisfy myself with food and electronic stuff, but no one knows. No one even knows me. I don't know anyone. I keep hearing these stories, that women like men who have prospects. I didn't know anything about that until recently. I'm almost 27 years old. I can't have a job, it is literally psychological torture for me to work with people. I can hardly leave my house without feeling like everyone who can see me wants to torment me. Every time I leave my house to get groceries for myself, or take a short walk just to get some sunlight and exercise, I feel horrible, but only when there's people. Even if there is only one person, it's enough to make my skin crawl. And, when there's attractive women around, it just feels like my body is trying to poison itself, there's this pain that I don't know how to describe. It feels like I'm slowly being tied up and dragged into a dungeon to be locked into a tiny chest where I can hardly breathe.

I went out to some stores today. Went to get a video game, and then for a short walk, and then to the grocery store. There were two attractive women at the video game store. There was one attractive woman at the grocery store. One of the women at the video game store worked there. I remember thinking to myself that she kinda looked like Mary from Silent Hill 2, but more attractive, if any of you have played that game. I almost wanted to tell her that, but I didn't want to seem creepy, since Silent Hill 2 happens to be a rather creepy game, so I said nothing. I just said I want to pre order this game... thank you... have a nice day. She kinda seemed friendly almost, but I really don't know. I can't read people well.

The one woman at the grocery store was talking on her cell phone. I walked past her, and I got this feeling inside of me. Maybe I'm wrong, because I'm really no good at reading people. Her eyes were open wide as I passed her, I just had this feeling like she really did not want me anywhere near her for some reason. And then a few minutes later, I'm trying to decide what to buy from the deli. I didn't feel like cooking today because I feel lethargic. Right before I'm ready to tell the deli worker what I want, that same woman shows up and asks if she can quickly get something if I haven't decided what to get yet. I step back and let her go on with it, and she says, "Whatever." I don't know what she meant by "whatever", and I don't know why she said "whatever". I didn't even say anything. She asks the deli worker for a big pickle.... okay then.

I went home, and as I was eating my deli food, I began to notice myself emotionally falling into an abyss. I couldn't stop thinking about how I felt. This always happens when I go out, but it seems to get worse and worse every time. I see attractive women, and I feel myself sinking, and I feel my peace fading away. Sometimes when I go out, I try to not look at anyone, and just ignore that anyone exists out there, and it can help a little sometimes, but I get curious.

I can't get a girlfriend. It's not about sex. It's primarily about just wanting a woman to want me for me, whatever that is, my personality, my interests, my looks. And, not because I have prospects... which I don't, and probably never will. I want a woman for the same reasons. Personality, interests, looks. Yes, sex is a part of it, that's why I want a girlfriend, and not a boyfriend. My inability to get a girlfriend makes me wish I were gay, since they say guys are easier to get involved with, and gay guys have hit on me in the past several times. But I'm not gay so that won't work for me.

I have wanted to be with a girl since I was very young, maybe I was 4 years old, or even younger. It is the main reason I have been depressed my whole life. No one cares. People just say things like, don't worry about it, you're too young to worry about that, focus on school work that you absolutely hate. There's more to life than girls. And, yeah, I know that there is more to life, but sometimes I reach this point where everything else in life just disappears, I lose interest in everything, the only thing that matters is finding a woman that likes me. It makes me want to kill myself, because I know it is impossible. It is the only reason I have wanted to die.

For a while I was able to push these urges away somehow. I was able to ignore that there were any people on this planet. I just played video games and watched videos and listened to music. I never leave the house, unless I need food. I felt peaceful... but then I would have to go to the grocery store. I am so disturbed by it that I tried to find some way to get my food delivered to my front door, but I couldn't find anything affordable or convenient.

Sometimes, rarely, a woman smiles at me, or waves, or says hi. I appreciate this greatly... but it sends me even further down into the depression. How do I go further then saying hi, waving, smiles? I never get to talk with anyone. I've talked with therapists for most of my life, and they were never any help whatsoever. I've been on various medications during most of my life. Medication only made things one hundred times worse. I've gone to group therapy a few times recently, and it always ends in great disappointment and humiliation. Last time I went to group therapy, I thought I was making friends, but I wasn't. I thought I was making progress, but I got nowhere, nothing but rejection, for seemingly nothing at all. I must have said something faux pas, obviously. It started out with smiles, talking, emails, being invited into their house, but after that, avoidance and rejection. That was just over a year ago. My last social encounter.

I can't get myself to do anything this past several days. I was in a severe depression for the same reason just a couple years ago for several years. I don't want to go back to that. It's like being in solitary confinement, literally. ****ing literally. Same thing. Absolute Hell. I want to forget about women, and just play video games, and watch youtube, and movies. But now I can't enjoy anything, I just lay in bed thinking to myself out loud until I feel an urge to make seizure-like movements. I did that today, and I hurt my back and my neck. Then I went into the bathroom and screamed at myself really loud in the mirror. It calmed me down a little, but it did not solve the problem.

I don't know why I'm coming here to tell you this. There's nothing any of you can do to help me. There's nothing you can say that I don't already know. For a long time I've been coming to this website reading posts here, too scared to post here myself after what they did to me one of the first times I was ever on a forum eight years ago on a different website.

I wish I could find a like minded woman, someone maybe just as screwed up as I am, or worse. I don't think I'd want to be with someone who's all stable and normal. I don't know.

What am I supposed to do? This is the only reason I am depressed. What do I do?

First thought, don't over-think people's reactions to you. The woman at the video game store was an employee, she's paid to be nice to customers and she's probably had hundreds of nearly identical interactions with customers in the past. The woman from the grocery store and the Deli probably barely noticed you either, most people tend to be self-absorbed, I would bet that she was more focused on getting her shopping and getting home than on you.

Second thought, if you're seeking a relationship to help cure your depression, you're seeking it for the wrong reasons, and you're probably going to fail. Women aren't going into relationships looking to be someone's therapist, they want someone they can have a good time with. If you do go seeking a relationship to fix your emotional problems, more likely than not you'll end up with someone manipulative if you end up with anyone at all.

Third thought: "There's nothing any of you can do to help me. There's nothing you can say that I don't already know" - Try to lose the negative attitude. Your situation is only hopeless if you believe that it's hopeless. You're sabotaging yourself from the start if you don't believe in the possibility of success. It sounds counter-intuitive, but people with a more optimistic outlook on life tend to have better life outcomes than people with 'realistic' outlooks, because they expect success, they try things, and more things, than people who are expecting failure from the get go.

You seem to have a lot of issues that would best be worked through with a therapist, preferably one who specialises in people with autism spectrum disorders.

Are there any social or support groups for people with autism in your area?

Also have you tried online dating? You can be upfront about your living situation and prospects (don't frame it negatively though) and start talking to people without stepping outside (you're going to have to at some point if you're serious about getting a girlfriend though).

my mindset changed a lot on it towards the end of 2017, but it bothers or annoys me a lot when people call it a skillset or learnable skill, learned behavior, etc. It's a long story, and due to my historically long resentment towards certain gender roles, it reminds me how I read on a facebook group a rude and dismissive comment towards another guy who was upset on how his dating life was going, one guy said to him "what are you gonna do? try to become president and enact a law that women have to approach men?"

applause soundtrack inserted here ..

Gosh that really pissed me off.

just made me wanted to punch those guys who said that, I really wanted to hit them.

Just do this in front of a girl that their are flirting with. Not even few of the girls may approach you afterwards. At least according to my experiences - may be some women here can explain why.