Fear and Loathing Toward my Future, Nonexistent Wife

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I'm starting to get these questions too. I fight back by fabricating past relationships based on women that used to be a part of my life: past relationships (all less than 6 months), one-time dates, failed romances, escorts I've been with, and my former friend who's a girl.

Here's how I do it. I come up with three fabricated relationships, then have the details down solid: her name, her age, how we met, when we started dating, what the relationship was like, activities we did (besides sex, that is), cause of break-up, date of break-up, and whether I still talk to her ("no"). Then, when asked about my past relationships, I regurgitate those stories, making them sound flowery and emotional, and women seem to love that. I never change the details from person to person, because then it's too easy to get confused in my own lies. I have three simple stories with the details memorized well, and follow them and them only.

Of course, in a few years, I'll have to fabricate a past marriage, because it's "bad" to be in your 30's and never have been married before. This shouldn't be too difficult: same details as above, plus what the wedding was like (base that on a friend's wedding I attended), and what the divorce was like ("civil for the most part").

The_Face_of_Boo, perhaps you can do the same?

I don't fabricate anything.

I did mention some of the past (short) things without going much into details like how long they lasted, dodging to another subject.

That is a very different thing though. Those things could more rationally be linked to strata/success.

Aspie1 fears [might] happen to anyone, but they are so detailed and specific it is pretty ridiculous worrying about it. As the mitigations aren't going to prevent stuff like this happening anyway.

@Aspie1 you have trained yourself out of love or attachment, then you need to seek relationships with people who are not looking for it. Otherwise it is you that is stringing them along.

Do you want to be a hypocrite?

I've already been seeking out women who aren't looking for long-term relationships. But there's a problem. Those women want men with extensive relationship experience, much like today's employers seek "an entry-level programmer with 10 years experience". Probably an evolutionary mechanism of some sorts, where social proofing of past relationships raises a man's desirability, and by extension, proves his alpha status (or makes him seem alpha, if he's not).

So fabricating past relationships becomes a necessity, or a necessary evil, if you will. Of course, it'd be nice if it weren't, but then nice guys would finish first, nerds would get all the dates in high school, and the millions-year-old sexual selection mechanism would get thrown into chaos.

There's really no point in this thread. The OP lives in a perpetual cognitive feedback loop. He's not actually looking for help or even willing to acknowledge he has a problem. He's just looking for people with similarly warped perception of reality to tell him his catastrophizing is justified.

Case in point: Give him an actual diagnosis based on an actual Psychology field that's reflective of what he's going through and he dismisses:
http://psychcentral.com/lib/what-is-cat ... ng/0001276

Yet he has no problem believing every women is genetically predisposed to be abusive based widely debunked and oversimplified junk-psychology. Evolutionary psych is the go-to field for racists and sexists to justify all kinds of horrible views under the guise of logic and science (despite all their research being suspect at best.)

It's quite telling when the OP can only explain complex dating interaction in wolf terms (alpha, beta, etc.) Clear evidence that he has no clue how actual human interaction works.

Great, you are ruining your relationships before you even start, by telling lies. And one lie always requires another, and before you know it you are stuck in a very tangled web.

Just tell a palatable version of the truth: "I just haven't felt ready, but I do now" or "I've been too busy with other areas of my life, but things are better now" or "I just wasn't meeting anyone that seemed right" (which can be either because of a job/life situation or by admitting maybe you were too picky). All are fine because all are temporary states.

If a woman truly prefers a guy with experience, it usually means she has had bad experiences with a guy who hasn't dated as much, and you aren't going to be able to create the experience she is looking for, so exactly how does it help either of you to pretend you are something you aren't?

Nor do all women care about a guy's experience level. Of course we will usually ask why, but the point is to find out more about you as a unique person, not to shut you out.

I think a part of my problem also is that I don't know how to seize and jump to opportunity quickly enough and missing out chances in daily life, sometimes not being socially clever enough in some instances.

For example, today in the gym, a cute acquaintance I knew earlier on several occasions, came to the next treadmill and started talking to me- so I chit-chat back, she just arrived to gym and doing her first thing while I was about to head home, I was really tired and hungry after a long work day, when she finished her walk she was like "I am going to exercise in 2d floor, wanna come?" - and I was like "no thanks, I am heading home now" - I didn't give a second thought before saying that, it came out naturally.

lol when arrived home I was like "damn, I could say yes and stay a little more with her" :facepalm: boy...

Yeah, it's a just little incident, but how many relationships start with little things like this? Plenty I bet.\

Yeah it's a different thing, my point is - I don't like to be constantly analyzed/judged/evaluated in almost everthing (who does?) - you may get exposed to such in friendships but in way less lengths than relationships- that's the impression I got from my limited experience in relationships at least.

There is no way you are going to be able to fabricate a relationship experience that you never had and keep that up, as you said you don't have the skills to make it plausible.

Anyway it would be better just to say straight up, "If you want out or if there is any problem just say so, don't play games, or give hints becuase I'm oblivious to that".

Most of the problem appears to be the shame of who you you are, that in itself gives you a diminished position compared to someone more forthright.

I think you position is hypocritical becuase your fears are no different than your own manipulation.

Sure I get what you mean, I think this varies in severity no? Is that your experience? Not everyone is going to be an inquisitor, although they may be curious.

Think of it this way. If they are on a date with you they are in the same position, so you could politely remind them of that indirectly. How about "It never quite worked out. Same for you?". Ask them a question. Even if it is not the same answers, they will have to answer becuase you did. Then you can move on to the next thing. If you want to avoid the inquisition then ask a milder question back.

Yeah this cannot be done, I mean the supposedly person in the related relationship can't just evaporate in the air, no real name? No trace? No social media trace? Nothing? What if she asked to see a pic of hers out of curiosity? I've seen it happening.

I think these things peak in the courting phase, as a part of "getting to know the person", then it fades out with time.



That may work about the past relationship experience question but I am not only talking about that, also if she happens to be in mid 20s, she'll use the young age excuse , I don't have this luxury.

The dates in 30s ...never asked me this question, I bet they were aware that it can backfire on them.

Just say that you heard that girls were were more mentally mature, and therefore dated guys that were older, but when you were their age you didn't find ones that in that bracket, they were too young and not particularly mature

Lying about relationships you've had does not seem to be working for you -- it's just as unsuccessful as you telling the truth about not having had any relationships ever.

Perhaps it's time to try a different approach? Like making an effort to acquire the social skills that seem to be preventing you from living the sort of life you want.

Not having experience may be permissible---although by no means encouraged---for a woman, but it's a kiss of death for a man. It signifies lack of social proofing. In layman's terms, it means this: "hasn't had a relationship before" = "no woman wanted him" = "something must be wrong with him" = "I shouldn't be with him". The only solutions are waiting for that rare gem of a woman, who may never come, that doesn't care about experience, OR give the people what they want. That means fabricate the past experiences that people want. Not everybody, obviously, but enough for me to do what I have to do.

If people successfully fabricated entire marriages to fool INS and DHS (ruthless immigration agencies in the US) that it's legit, then I can fabricate a simple relationship to convince a regular person that I'm an alpha. For instance, I can say that it was messy break-up, and I haven't spoken to her since. If she insists on a picture, I can find a solution for that too. Playing the game means always staying one step ahead.

Now, one thing that IS impossible to fabricate are past sexual experiences. But I've stayed one step ahead in that game: I hired an escort enough times that fabricating is totally unnecessary.

Again, in the bizarro world or the perfect world, finding sex and relationships would be as simple as most of us wish it were. But that's not where we live.

What a strange thread I have stumbled into

There is a saying that the way to make a lie believable is to believe it yourself. It looks like that has happened here and has been your undoing. You have gotten so skilled at creating detailed imaginary relationships complete with messy breakup that the person most convinced of their truth is you. Now you are suffering real stress over imaginary relationships.

Perhaps a way out of this trap is to step away from the fabrication and go with the truth, although worded in a way that doesn't give a red flag. Other posters have given examples of ways to do this. You have given a plausible reason for why you fabricate past relationships but the problem is you have gotten so good at it that you are starting to believe the fabrications and worry about the hypothetical future based on the fabricated past. It's time to re-enter reality by telling the truth on dates, although spun in a palatable way.