Fear and Loathing Toward my Future, Nonexistent Wife

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League_Girl
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23 May 2015, 10:06 am

kraftiekortie wrote:
I'm thinking maybe the guy's watching too many "reality shows" (which don't reflect real life, by the way). On "reality shows" women do put salt in laptops when a guy forgets an anniversary.

Most likely, it's more like what Sly said.

The 1950s aren't as different as people make it out it be. There's lots of superficial differences, and there was much "technology" back in the '50s--but I don't believe people have changed as much as we think they've changed.

I grew up in the 1960s. When I see kids today, I am reminded of kids I grew up with. Not much difference, really.



TV shows is all about entertainment and drama so they will put dysfunctional stuff in them. I wouldn't even take them seriously. Things are always exaggerated on TV.


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Chronos
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24 May 2015, 3:44 am

Aspie1 wrote:
Before I catch any heat from other WP-ers, I want to make it 100% clear that I have plenty of respect for women overall. First, there's my mother, sister, aunt, etc. Second, I have no problem interacting with women in work and social situations, and oftentimes, a mixed company is more fun than an a single-gender company, even if sex is the very last thing that will happen. Third, there's no way I'll go out to a club and dance with a dude, let alone go further. The only place I've danced with men (in a group) is at a Jewish wedding, where that's part of the ceremony procedures.

HOWEVER, I feel true fear and loathing toward a person who's not even a part of my life yet! (And probably never will be.) That person is my future wife. I suppose the fear and loathing also extends toward my future long-term girlfriend. Somehow, I keep having visions of her doing these things:
* Vandalizing my car in retaliation for something I did, then denying everything
* Making me sleep on the couch after an argument
* Abusing me every day, both verbally and physically
* Screaming at me for hours on end, then saying I deserved it all
* Formatting my computer after getting angry at me for forgetting her birthday, then laughing in my face about it
* Cheating on me with a man who's more alpha than me
* Emptying out my bank account in the divorce proceedings
* "Trapping" me with a pregnancy without my knowledge
* Putting up my information and photos on DontDateHimGirl .com

This has caused to take some extreme precautions with new women I date, engaging in actions bordering those I fear. I suppose there will be people who'll say "Maybe that's why you're alone!" But it's either that or losing a car I'm still making payments on.
* Finding out her last name one way or another, in case I have to report her to the police
* Parking my car in well-lit, heavily-trafficked area, to deter her from vandalizing it
* Hiding everything in my home that's irreplaceable or contains bank account information when she comes over
* Breaking off everything at the first instance she raises her voice at me
* Using plastic plates (albeit the good kind) to serve meals at my place, so she doesn't break it if she gets angry

Somehow, I had no such feelings toward women I've dated casually, or during flings when traveling. Also never had such feelings toward my female friends, as well as women in platonic contexts (work, dance lessons, sports groups, etc). Then I have no problem enjoying their company as human beings, without a worry in the world other than treating them with decency. Quite a few women in those contexts even said I was "so much fun". I also have no problem enjoying the company of seeing escorts, which isn't exactly platonic, but hey.

I suppose the media is to blame for all this. For the past 20 years, TV shows have been largely anti-male, with inordinate numbers of women flat-out destroying their romantic partners by their behavior. YouTube posts of women trashing their boyfriend's car because he forgot their anniversary are adding fuel to the fire as well. I'm sure they're meant to warn men to remember anniversaries better, but they're only deterring me from entering a relationship in the first place. (Ironically, a lot of foreign films and telenovelas show men, not women, doing this.)

So, yeah! I can't be the only aspie man who feels this way.


In other words, you are afraid you will fall into a relationship with a violent, abusive woman, much the same as women fear they will fall into a relationship with a violent, abusive, male.

I will not say these dangerous people don't exist, they do. However it's important to keep in mind that they exist as minorities. Avoiding them, requires some degree of ability to gauge people, and luck. In any case, you should not enter into a relationship if they stress you so. I recommend getting some counseling to help you properly address you fears and work on skills that will help you better gauge people, and deal with interpersonal conflict. I also recommend you clear your browser's cache, cookies, and history. Websites use this information to determine what content to show you. If you look up videos on crazy women, youtube will continue to bombard you with such videos every time you visit the site, and news websites will do much the same. You may even start seeing advertisements on the subject. It will make these women and incidents involving them seem much more common than they actually are.

A woman possessing the negative traits you fear would actually most likely be a woman with Borderline Personality Disorder, and not your typical woman. The anti-thesis to such a woman would likely be a woman with Asperger's Syndrome.



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24 May 2015, 4:19 am

The solution might be to date women who you already know and trust, since it seems like it is easier to interact with them in that context.

I'm a woman and I don't really buy into the "all women like dominant alpha men stuff." I'm more dominant myself and I find aggressive, overly assertive men to be quite unattractive. What attracted me to my husband was that he was articulate, intelligent, compassionate, and showed genuine concern for my feelings. I have an overactive nurturing instinct and he responded positively to my desire to take care of him (not that he needs taken care of, but he appreciates the way I show affection, which is important). The fact that he lived with his parents at the time and had never dated before was not an issue.

We've been together for four years at this point. We are still very much in love and he is my best friend.



kraftiekortie
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25 May 2015, 7:05 am

I like your approach to things.

Don't you find squirrels to be rather fickle?



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25 May 2015, 9:02 am

Chronos wrote:
A woman possessing the negative traits you fear would actually most likely be a woman with Borderline Personality Disorder, and not your typical woman. The anti-thesis to such a woman would likely be a woman with Asperger's Syndrome.

The easiest way to spot a BPD woman is to simple look at her Facebook history and what she posts. If I paid attention, I would have seen how crazy my ex was just by seeing her history. BPD's act almost to a common script and are easy to spot a mile away.

To the topic at hand, I always assumed that all women were "crazy" especially since I took the locker room chat seriously and literally and had a nightmare experience. I have now been with a woman for 5 months and while she has expressed she would be disappointed if I forgot an anniversary, birthday, etc she has NEVER raised her voice, argued with me or acted in a disrespectful manner. Yes, she gets upset once in a while but has always talked in a calm manner and looks to agree and compromise.

I also like the person who mentioned that women are ALSO scared of running into dangerous men. Sure men have few resources for domestic violence and the legal system is stacked against us in places but women are usually physically weaker, especially when they are pregnant. It goes both ways and it is not a contest of who has it worse.

Remember couples who have normal marriages/relationships and get along well (not perfectly) and have healthy conflicts DO NOT post about it on the internet. They are the silent majority.



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25 May 2015, 9:50 am

GiantHockeyFan wrote:
...or acted in a disrespectful manner.

This is the second time I've noticed someone in this thread make a reference to not wanting to be treated disrespectfully.
Can anyone elaborate on this concept as I am not sure what treating a man disrespectfully entails?



The_Face_of_Boo
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25 May 2015, 9:56 am

androbot01 wrote:
GiantHockeyFan wrote:
...or acted in a disrespectful manner.

This is the second time I've noticed someone in this thread make a reference to not wanting to be treated disrespectfully.
Can anyone elaborate on this concept as I am not sure what treating a man disrespectfully entails?


The same way what treating you disrespectfully entails.



androbot01
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25 May 2015, 10:03 am

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
androbot01 wrote:
GiantHockeyFan wrote:
...or acted in a disrespectful manner.

This is the second time I've noticed someone in this thread make a reference to not wanting to be treated disrespectfully.
Can anyone elaborate on this concept as I am not sure what treating a man disrespectfully entails?


The same way what treating you disrespectfully entails.


Is it a bigger issue for guys though? I generally treat everyone with respect, but have gotten in trouble in the past with this. Perhaps I am too pushy. I ask because I have a date this afternoon with a guy I met at employment group and I don't want to be disrespectful. I think sometimes guys have a hard time with me because I can be a bit forceful.



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25 May 2015, 10:06 am

androbot01 wrote:
The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
androbot01 wrote:
GiantHockeyFan wrote:
...or acted in a disrespectful manner.

This is the second time I've noticed someone in this thread make a reference to not wanting to be treated disrespectfully.
Can anyone elaborate on this concept as I am not sure what treating a man disrespectfully entails?


The same way what treating you disrespectfully entails.


Is it a bigger issue for guys though? I generally treat everyone with respect, but have gotten in trouble in the past with this. Perhaps I am too pushy. I ask because I have a date this afternoon with a guy I met at employment group and I don't want to be disrespectful. I think sometimes guys have a hard time with me because I can be a bit forceful.


I don't know you, I don't know how you behave, so there's no way I can tell.

Concrete examples?



androbot01
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25 May 2015, 10:15 am

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
Concrete examples?

Exactly. What are some examples of women disrespecting men?



Aspie1
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25 May 2015, 10:19 am

Chronos wrote:
In other words, you are afraid you will fall into a relationship with a violent, abusive woman, much the same as women fear they will fall into a relationship with a violent, abusive, male.
Ah, but there's a big difference. Violence/abuse against women by men is very strictly enforced, to the point where a wife can punch herself in the face, then file false domestic battery charges against her beta male husband, as punishment for not putting the toilet seat down. Violence/abuse against men by women is so poorly enforced, that it's pretty much legal for all practical purposes. Women know this. Men know this. I know this. I've even preemptively filed restraining orders more than once, because unlike physical violence, the legal system enforces them gender-blindly.

androbot01 wrote:
Exactly. What are some examples of women disrespecting men?
Pretty much everything you see wives doing on TV. If you want exact examples, enjoy!
1. Publicly putting him down, then laughing about it.
2. Yelling at him for hours on end over something small like a forgotten toilet seat.
3. Vandalizing his car after he broke up with her.
4. Making him sleep on the couch, even when he paid for the goddamn bed.
5. Forbidding her husband to pursue his hobbies.



Last edited by Aspie1 on 25 May 2015, 10:26 am, edited 1 time in total.

GiantHockeyFan
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25 May 2015, 10:24 am

androbot01 wrote:
Exactly. What are some examples of women disrespecting men?

Here are some examples to me personally:
* Making fun of my sports interests
* Laughing at me or making sarcastic remarks
* Passive aggression
* Yelling, screaming or making demeaning comments
* Laying a guilt trip onto me for going to play hockey/sports
* Giving the silent treatment without explaining what's wrong
* Trying to change me against my will



androbot01
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25 May 2015, 10:30 am

I guess what I'm asking is if there's some aspect of maleness that is due specific respect, like a respect for authority? For example, my date and I exchanged messages regarding where to go for coffee. He suggested Starbucks to which I responded that I couldn't afford them and maybe we could go to the diner instead. So have I blown it already? We are meeting at the bookstore and will decide where to go from there. Maybe he will offer to pay for Starbucks, which is cool. But I didn't want to assume and I really can't afford Starbucks.



androbot01
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25 May 2015, 10:32 am

GiantHockeyFan wrote:
androbot01 wrote:
Exactly. What are some examples of women disrespecting men?

Here are some examples to me personally:
* Making fun of my sports interests
* Laughing at me or making sarcastic remarks
* Passive aggression
* Yelling, screaming or making demeaning comments
* Laying a guilt trip onto me for going to play hockey/sports
* Giving the silent treatment without explaining what's wrong
* Trying to change me against my will


I wouldn't put up with those things either. Sounds very unpleasant.



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25 May 2015, 10:33 am

androbot01 wrote:
I guess what I'm asking is if there's some aspect of maleness that is due specific respect, like a respect for authority? For example, my date and I exchanged messages regarding where to go for coffee. He suggested Starbucks to which I responded that I couldn't afford them and maybe we could go to the diner instead. So have I blown it already? We are meeting at the bookstore and will decide where to go from there. Maybe he will offer to pay for Starbucks, which is cool. But I didn't want to assume and I really can't afford Starbucks.


I'm not 100% sure of what you are asking but I would say men want the same respect that women do. As for this example, if I were him, I would be thinking "what a ridiculous excuse for not wanting to meet up! I wish she would just have said she changed her mind. NEXT!"



androbot01
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25 May 2015, 10:36 am

Oh, we're meeting up for sure. At 1pm. I asked him out, so I'm interested.