Seemed to scare my cousin's friend off

Page 1 of 2 [ 17 posts ]  Go to page 1, 2  Next

Sting
Tufted Titmouse
Tufted Titmouse

User avatar

Joined: 8 Jan 2013
Age: 32
Gender: Female
Posts: 29

26 Feb 2015, 10:42 pm

Okay, this probably hurts me more than it should. But I recently started talking with my cousin's friend at the start of the college semester. Me and her got along okay, we just had small talk about our dull lives. Over the last week I notice a small change in her demeanor, she seems more distant and like she tried to avoid me, and with me having AS, it's harder to pick up on this stuff at any stage, but that is how it appeared. However, today was the worst, I sat beside her like I usually do in this math class. I noticed in the corner of my eye that on her computer that she dropped the class, I suspected this was because of her horrible score on the first exam, as she took it when she had the flu. However, I notice today that she also deleted me from Facebook. I can't help but to feel a little hurt by this. What did I do that was so wrong or scary? Just because I talked to her? And she is someone my cousin grew up with. These consecutive years of rejection and suffering from experiences like this has hurt me emotionally. Good looks are nothing I see with this awkwardness I display.



alex
Developer
Developer

User avatar

Joined: 13 Jun 2004
Age: 37
Gender: Male
Posts: 10,214
Location: Beverly Hills, CA

03 Mar 2015, 5:54 pm

that's weird. probably something related to her issues, not yours. I wouldn't worry about it because things like this happen in life.


_________________
I'm Alex Plank, the founder of Wrong Planet. Follow me (Alex Plank) on Blue Sky: https://bsky.app/profile/alexplank.bsky.social


KayteeKay
Snowy Owl
Snowy Owl

User avatar

Joined: 3 Jan 2015
Age: 33
Gender: Female
Posts: 146

03 Mar 2015, 7:57 pm

Sting wrote:
Okay, this probably hurts me more than it should. But I recently started talking with my cousin's friend at the start of the college semester. Me and her got along okay, we just had small talk about our dull lives. Over the last week I notice a small change in her demeanor, she seems more distant and like she tried to avoid me, and with me having AS, it's harder to pick up on this stuff at any stage, but that is how it appeared. However, today was the worst, I sat beside her like I usually do in this math class. I noticed in the corner of my eye that on her computer that she dropped the class, I suspected this was because of her horrible score on the first exam, as she took it when she had the flu. .


Deleting you from Facebook = she doesn't want to be your friend (online or in real life). Leave the girl alone!

(Doing anything -- ANYTHING -- else besides leaving her alone will make you look like a creep).

If she changes her mind and wants to speak to you/see you outside of class, she knows where to find you.

Quote:
notice today that she also deleted me from Facebook. I can't help but to feel a little hurt by this. What did I do that was so wrong or scary? Just because I talked to her?


You're entitled to feel hurt. There's no way to know what SPECIFICALLY (if anything at all) you did wrong -- and it doesn't really matter. She's entitled to not like you, she's entitled to unfriend you (just as you're entitled to do the same to anyone you encounter).

Let. It. Go. Please.


Quote:
And she is someone my cousin grew up with. These consecutive years of rejection and suffering from experiences like this has hurt me emotionally. Good looks are nothing with my awkwardness


Lose the sense of over-entitlement. It's just gross & icky & a total turnoff (and, ugh, Elliot Rodger-esque).

The fact that this girl grew up with your cousin requires her to be your friend, why, exactly?

Correct answer: It doesn't.

It sounds like this girl is/was civil to you -- she's met the bare-bones minimum required by the social contract. That's all you (or anybody else, for that matter) is ENTITLED to.

Whether or not you're objectively "good looking" is also not so relevant -- besides, even if you were Adonis reincarnated, it wouldn't ENTITLE you to anything besides civility from this (or any other) girl.

Your present approach clearly isn't working. Maybe it's time for a new one?



Shebakoby
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 5 Sep 2009
Age: 50
Gender: Female
Posts: 1,759

04 Mar 2015, 3:43 am

you could probably ask your cousin what the deal is with this chick, (like has this girl been talking trash about you behind your back?) if you want to make sure you didn't do anything wrong, but that's about it. How well do you get along with your cousin anyway? Maybe cousin was telling tales out of school to this girl? Does your cousin know you are autistic? Does this girl?



KayteeKay
Snowy Owl
Snowy Owl

User avatar

Joined: 3 Jan 2015
Age: 33
Gender: Female
Posts: 146

05 Mar 2015, 7:17 pm

Shebakoby wrote:
you could probably ask your cousin what the deal is with this chick, (like has this girl been talking trash about you behind your back?) if you want to make sure you didn't do anything wrong, but that's about it. How well do you get along with your cousin anyway? Maybe cousin was telling tales out of school to this girl? Does your cousin know you are autistic? Does this girl?


No, no, no. Do not ask the cousin to be an intermediary.

The girl has made it abundantly clear that she DOES NOT WANT to be friends with Sting - they why is irrelevant.

Sting. Isn't. Owed. An. Explanation. Nobody is!



Shebakoby
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 5 Sep 2009
Age: 50
Gender: Female
Posts: 1,759

06 Mar 2015, 4:56 am

KayteeKay wrote:
Shebakoby wrote:
you could probably ask your cousin what the deal is with this chick, (like has this girl been talking trash about you behind your back?) if you want to make sure you didn't do anything wrong, but that's about it. How well do you get along with your cousin anyway? Maybe cousin was telling tales out of school to this girl? Does your cousin know you are autistic? Does this girl?


No, no, no. Do not ask the cousin to be an intermediary.

The girl has made it abundantly clear that she DOES NOT WANT to be friends with Sting - they why is irrelevant.

Sting. Isn't. Owed. An. Explanation. Nobody is!


Nono, I don't mean get the cousin to ask the girl anything. Not at all. I mean ask the cousin if the girl has said anything, or whether the cousin can explain the girl's behavior without having to ask her at all.

Like maybe the cousin might be like "Oh ya she's done this before, don't sweat it man it's not you."

Or "She got a new bf and the guy is super jealous and would beat you to a pulp if he saw you talking to her".

Or maybe, "you know, that thing you said, the thing with the thing, that really creeped her out man, if I were you I'd stop saying things like that." We're not talking about trying to re-establish anything in the way of contact here. Just trying to figure out whether the OP did anything wrong or not. That is the only valid objective. Social situations are already a horrific minefield for autistic people. If they have no means of feedback/learning, things never change.

(and quite honestly if the OP DID do something wrong, the Cousin if they know about it should be johnny on the spot to the OP about it and telling him exactly what it was, without the OP even having to ask).

Nobody's owed an explaination ever? On whose objective authority is that even true? Then how the bejeezus will they ever learn? (particularly autistic peoples!) This obviously ain't stalker-land here, nor is it any sort of obviously abusive situation. Some people are very insecure about whether it's what THEY are doing is what the problem is. If they don't find out, they're screwed. It's a HUGE source of needless anxiety, not to mention paranoia, which is bad enough in any autistic situation.

In any case sounds like the girl is passive-aggressive as hell, meaning OP dude, this one's not worth it any way you slice it. Passive aggression is a pox on the community. BTW, I don't think the person ever actually was the OP's friend. Heck, I don't think the OP's cousin likes him very much either.



KayteeKay
Snowy Owl
Snowy Owl

User avatar

Joined: 3 Jan 2015
Age: 33
Gender: Female
Posts: 146

06 Mar 2015, 7:19 pm

Quote:
Nobody's owed an explaination ever? On whose objective authority is that even true? Then how the bejeezus will they ever learn? (particularly autistic peoples!) [\quote]

There is a direct relationship between how well one knows a person and how much of an "explanation" for [anything] one is owed. As such:

This girl (a barely, brand new acquaintance) has made it clear that she does NOT want to be friends (Facebook or otherwise) with Sting.

She does NOT owe Sting an explanation because she BARELY KNOWS him.

Sting seeking an explanation from her directly would be inappropriate for that same reason.

My take is that Sting should also avoid asking his cousin about Girl because, well:

1) his "acquaintanceship" with Girl is COMPLETELY separate from Cousin's friendship with Girl

2) if there was something Cousin wanted Sting to know about Girl, he can safely assume Cousin will bring it up of his/her own volition.


Quote:
This obviously ain't stalker-land here, nor is it any sort of obviously abusive situation. Some people are very insecure about whether it's what THEY are doing is what the problem is. If they don't find out, they're screwed. It's a HUGE source of needless anxiety, not to mention paranoia, which is bad enough in any autistic situation w


Someone being really insecure about whether THEY did something wrong/are the problem is THEIR issue -- not anybody else's!

If someone CHOOSES to drive themself batty about it, that is THEIR choice. It isn't the WORLD's responsibility to offer explanations as soothing balms to their nerves/paranoia.

All else aside, there are NO EXPLANATIONS for MANY, MANY things. And even if one manages to extract some sort of explanation from acquaintances, near strangers, etc, there's no guarantee it would be the truth! It's VERY likely be some sort of platitude or face-saving, ego-sparing white lie.

There's SO much ambiguity in interactions with others -- the options are figure out a way to cope with it or make yourself miserable about it.

(Assuming that neither Girl not Cousin was raised by wolves, even if Sting WAS to push for an answer, he'd get a platitude -- "oh, she said she thinks you're nice" -- which will end BADLY if Sting takes it at face value -- "she likes me! Wants to be my friend!". Because Girl doesn't want to be his friend - as is clear from her behavior).



CynicalWaffle
Snowy Owl
Snowy Owl

User avatar

Joined: 13 May 2014
Gender: Male
Posts: 143

08 Mar 2015, 8:16 am

If somebody cuts off somebody else for no reason, of course that person is gonna feel like wanting an explanation......are you not human, KayteeKay? You act kinda like a soulless automaton. I'm sorry to say that. But anytime a man brings up anything around here, you start with the entitlement rants. I've never seen you do that to female members. What gives?



Sino
Pileated woodpecker
Pileated woodpecker

User avatar

Joined: 8 Mar 2015
Posts: 176
Location: Earth

08 Mar 2015, 10:36 am

KayteeKay wrote:
There's SO much ambiguity in interactions with others -- the options are figure out a way to cope with it or make yourself miserable about it.

OP has made it quite clear that the second option may as well not be an option at all - and the first, well, we all deal with it. That's just how it goes.

You bring up some valid points, but only from a highly pragmatic, objective viewpoint; and as you've noted yourself, human interaction is rarely so clearcut. I'll tentatively back up CynicalWaffle here and say that - if nothing else - you're coming off as passive-aggressive (at least to me).

To OP: If you're set on learning what you may have done wrong, Shebakoby's advice is pretty solid. Assuming your cousin doesn't outright detest you, he may be able to give you some kind of information to draw a conclusion from.



KayteeKay
Snowy Owl
Snowy Owl

User avatar

Joined: 3 Jan 2015
Age: 33
Gender: Female
Posts: 146

08 Mar 2015, 9:14 pm

CynicalWaffle wrote:
If somebody cuts off somebody else for no reason, of course that person is gonna feel like wanting an explanation......are you not human, KayteeKay? You act kinda like a soulless automaton. I'm sorry to say that. But anytime a man brings up anything around here, you start with the entitlement rants. I've never seen you do that to female members. What gives?


I've yet to come across a post from a woman baffled that some guy she barely knows has cut off contact and yearning for an explanation where it is clear 1) one won't be offered and 2) insisting they're entitled to one anyways. If they did, my answer would be exactly the same.

(There's a TON of ambiguity in casual acquaintanceships... there just is, anxiety-inducing as it may be. In my experience, making peace with the ambiguity works MUCH better. Demanding answers from people you barely know... tends to result in a reputation as a nutter. Deservedly. Way better not to go there).



Jono
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 10 Jul 2008
Age: 43
Gender: Male
Posts: 5,603
Location: Johannesburg, South Africa

09 Mar 2015, 1:17 am

KayteeKay wrote:
CynicalWaffle wrote:
If somebody cuts off somebody else for no reason, of course that person is gonna feel like wanting an explanation......are you not human, KayteeKay? You act kinda like a soulless automaton. I'm sorry to say that. But anytime a man brings up anything around here, you start with the entitlement rants. I've never seen you do that to female members. What gives?


I've yet to come across a post from a woman baffled that some guy she barely knows has cut off contact and yearning for an explanation where it is clear 1) one won't be offered and 2) insisting they're entitled to one anyways. If they did, my answer would be exactly the same.

(There's a TON of ambiguity in casual acquaintanceships... there just is, anxiety-inducing as it may be. In my experience, making peace with the ambiguity works MUCH better. Demanding answers from people you barely know... tends to result in a reputation as a nutter. Deservedly. Way better not to go there).


Really? You tell every single male in this forum who has had a problem with social interaction, regardless of what they write, that they're "over-entitled". How the f**k is the OP in any way similar to Elliot Rodger? He's just confused by the sudden cease in contact and wants to know what he did that caused her to cease contact all of a sudden.

Anyway, his cousin knows the girl, so I don't see why can't ask the cousin what happened.



mixtape02
Butterfly
Butterfly

User avatar

Joined: 9 Mar 2015
Gender: Female
Posts: 15
Location: San Diego, California

09 Mar 2015, 4:11 pm

Shebakoby wrote:
KayteeKay wrote:
Shebakoby wrote:
you could probably ask your cousin what the deal is with this chick, (like has this girl been talking trash about you behind your back?) if you want to make sure you didn't do anything wrong, but that's about it. How well do you get along with your cousin anyway? Maybe cousin was telling tales out of school to this girl? Does your cousin know you are autistic? Does this girl?


No, no, no. Do not ask the cousin to be an intermediary.

The girl has made it abundantly clear that she DOES NOT WANT to be friends with Sting - they why is irrelevant.

Sting. Isn't. Owed. An. Explanation. Nobody is!


Nono, I don't mean get the cousin to ask the girl anything. Not at all. I mean ask the cousin if the girl has said anything, or whether the cousin can explain the girl's behavior without having to ask her at all.

Like maybe the cousin might be like "Oh ya she's done this before, don't sweat it man it's not you."

Or "She got a new bf and the guy is super jealous and would beat you to a pulp if he saw you talking to her".

Or maybe, "you know, that thing you said, the thing with the thing, that really creeped her out man, if I were you I'd stop saying things like that." We're not talking about trying to re-establish anything in the way of contact here. Just trying to figure out whether the OP did anything wrong or not. That is the only valid objective. Social situations are already a horrific minefield for autistic people. If they have no means of feedback/learning, things never change.

(and quite honestly if the OP DID do something wrong, the Cousin if they know about it should be johnny on the spot to the OP about it and telling him exactly what it was, without the OP even having to ask).

Nobody's owed an explaination ever? On whose objective authority is that even true? Then how the bejeezus will they ever learn? (particularly autistic peoples!) This obviously ain't stalker-land here, nor is it any sort of obviously abusive situation. Some people are very insecure about whether it's what THEY are doing is what the problem is. If they don't find out, they're screwed. It's a HUGE source of needless anxiety, not to mention paranoia, which is bad enough in any autistic situation.

In any case sounds like the girl is passive-aggressive as hell, meaning OP dude, this one's not worth it any way you slice it. Passive aggression is a pox on the community. BTW, I don't think the person ever actually was the OP's friend. Heck, I don't think the OP's cousin likes him very much either.


I like this fish guy's advice. I'd ask the cousin if she said anything about me. Other than that, she'd be weird for deleting me and she's not worth fretting over anyway.



KayteeKay
Snowy Owl
Snowy Owl

User avatar

Joined: 3 Jan 2015
Age: 33
Gender: Female
Posts: 146

10 Mar 2015, 7:49 pm

Jono wrote:
KayteeKay wrote:
CynicalWaffle wrote:
If somebody cuts off somebody else for no reason, of course that person is gonna feel like wanting an explanation......are you not human, KayteeKay? You act kinda like a soulless automaton. I'm sorry to say that. But anytime a man brings up anything around here, you start with the entitlement rants. I've never seen you do that to female members. What gives?


I've yet to come across a post from a woman baffled that some guy she barely knows has cut off contact and yearning for an explanation where it is clear 1) one won't be offered and 2) insisting they're entitled to one anyways. If they did, my answer would be exactly the same.

(There's a TON of ambiguity in casual acquaintanceships... there just is, anxiety-inducing as it may be. In my experience, making peace with the ambiguity works MUCH better. Demanding answers from people you barely know... tends to result in a reputation as a nutter. Deservedly. Way better not to go there).


Really? You tell every single male in this forum who has had a problem with social interaction, regardless of what they write, that they're "over-entitled". How the f**k is the OP in any way similar to Elliot Rodger? He's just confused by the sudden cease in contact and wants to know what he did that caused her to cease contact all of a sudden.

Anyway, his cousin knows the girl, so I don't see why can't ask the cousin what happened.


Over and over: The amount of explanation any given person is "owed" is directly proportional to how well they know the person they "demand" that explanation from.

Sting barely knows Girl (aka Cousin's Friend)... demanding an explanation where none is owed, is, creepy.

Given that sound travels faster than light in high schools, is creepy where Sting wants to go? To have other classmates recall how creepy he was to Girl?

Quote:
nd she is someone my cousin grew up with. These consecutive years of rejection and suffering from experiences like this has hurt me emotionally. Good looks are nothing with my awkwardness


Ta-daaaaah! This why I referenced Elliot Rodger -- a misguided belief that existing should somehow result in attention from girls.

It didn't work so well for ER, so it's, ummm, interesting for Sting to emulate him.

Once again:

- Girl's friendship with Cousin is SEPARATE from Sting's barely acquaintanceship with Girl.
- Girl has made it VERY clear she wants nothing but the most casual of acquaintanceships with Sting (as evidenced by the fact she unfriended him on FB).
- It's inappropriate for Sting to pester Cousin for an explanation of why Girl wants nothing to do with him. Because Girl CLEARLY wants nothing to do with him and is ENTITLED to want nothing to do with him!



Jono
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 10 Jul 2008
Age: 43
Gender: Male
Posts: 5,603
Location: Johannesburg, South Africa

10 Mar 2015, 8:14 pm

KayteeKay wrote:
Quote:
nd she is someone my cousin grew up with. These consecutive years of rejection and suffering from experiences like this has hurt me emotionally. Good looks are nothing with my awkwardness


Ta-daaaaah! This why I referenced Elliot Rodger -- a misguided belief that existing should somehow result in attention from girls.

It didn't work so well for ER, so it's, ummm, interesting for Sting to emulate him.


So simply by being socially awkward and wanting to improve his social awkwardness draws a direct comparison to Elliot Rodger? Sorry, I don't see any indication of "entitlement" in that quote. All I see is a need to improve social skills so that the same things don't happen in future.

KayteeKay wrote:
- It's inappropriate for Sting to pester Cousin for an explanation of why Girl wants nothing to do with him. Because Girl CLEARLY wants nothing to do with him and is ENTITLED to want nothing to do with him!


That doesn't even make sense. Yes, she's entitled to want nothing to do with him but her entitlement to want nothing to do with him has nothing to do with him getting feedback from the cousin.



Sino
Pileated woodpecker
Pileated woodpecker

User avatar

Joined: 8 Mar 2015
Posts: 176
Location: Earth

11 Mar 2015, 2:03 pm

KayteeKay wrote:
- It's inappropriate for Sting to pester Cousin for an explanation of why Girl wants nothing to do with him. Because Girl CLEARLY wants nothing to do with him and is ENTITLED to want nothing to do with him!

So a person whom Sting was conversing with on a semi-regular basis is entitled to suddenly drop him, but Sting himself isn't entitled to even a brief, one-sentence explanation of why. Nice double standards.

We're all "entitled" to our feelings - it's rather unavoidable, wouldn't you say? As long as OP doesn't press the issue any more than he needs to, I don't see any problem with him breaking the question to his cousin.



KayteeKay
Snowy Owl
Snowy Owl

User avatar

Joined: 3 Jan 2015
Age: 33
Gender: Female
Posts: 146

14 Mar 2015, 7:53 am

Sino wrote:
KayteeKay wrote:
- It's inappropriate for Sting to pester Cousin for an explanation of why Girl wants nothing to do with him. Because Girl CLEARLY wants nothing to do with him and is ENTITLED to want nothing to do with him!

So a person whom Sting was conversing with on a semi-regular basis is entitled to suddenly drop him, but Sting himself isn't entitled to even a brief, one-sentence explanation of why. Nice double standards.

We're all "entitled" to our feelings - it's rather unavoidable, wouldn't you say? As long as OP doesn't press the issue any more than he needs to, I don't see any problem with him breaking the question to his cousin.


Yes, a Girl that exchanged the occasional pleasantries with Sting and made it clear she wanted even LESS to do with him (no longer exchanging pleasantries, deleting him from Facebook) -- and, NO, Sting isn't ENTITLED to so much as a 1 sentence explanation.

(There's also the little matter that if Sting asks for an explanation from the girl or his cousin, he'll get a white lie pleasantry -- "oh, it's nothing" or "oh, I've just been so busy" -- that he will totally misinterpret).