Getting Mixed Messages

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Have any of you ever had to deal with someone sending you mixed messages before?

I asked a guy out on a date on Valentine's day. We've hung out together in the past, but only as "friends". I found out he has aspergers.

I asked him to be my "Valentine" and to do something just the two of us, instead of in a group. He thought it was "odd" that I wanted it to be just the two of us, but he agreed.

He acted weird the whole night being really quiet, and I tried to hold his hand once but he moved it away. Then when it was time to go he asked if I wanted to do something again and said he had fun.

I don't know what to make of it. I'm not sure he even realized it was a date.

How should I approach a situation like this? I just want to find out if he has any interest in me. I never can seem to tell...

I suggest you just ask him directly if he's interested in a romantic/more-than-friends sort of relationship with you.

He may of been shy or nervous.

I could never! I have terrible social anxiety... Just asking a person out in the first place makes me sick to my stomach.

lol, that sounds exactly like something I'd do.

I agree with animalcrackers though.

I don't see any mixed messages there, more like no message at all.

I always hated asking people out too, and revealing my amorous feelings, even though I'm male and not supposed to dislike it. If I had to find out how a lady felt about me, I might begin by talking briefly about one of my previous relationships, and then asking "how about you? Have you found your relationships to be generally good or bad?" Even if he says "dunno, I never bother with that stuff," he might still be interested in talking about the subject, and he might get drawn into talking about the kind of partner he would like.

Aspies can be very slow to realise when somebody fancies them. I think it does usually work to just tell them, as long as you don't get invasive, but what with gender programming and the risk of acute embarrassment, I'm not surprised that most women can't take the lead like that. If there's a mutual acquaintance around that you trust, you might be able to get them to find something out for you about how they feel, or get them to tell them that they think you might be interested in them.

How old is he? Sounds like he is too immature for you, and maybe for dating in general.

Sorry, didn't read it carefully enough before. That's a mixed message, or a sign that he's warming to you.

"he asked if I wanted to do something again and said he had fun" isn't a mixed message from an Aspie. For some of us it amounts to a strong proclaimation of interest. Way back when, actually touching someone I liked was like getting an electric shock--a good one, but still it was nearly overpowering. He was probably quiet because he was trying to figure out what he was supposed to say. So if you're interested, do something together again fairly soon.

But other than finding ways to spend time together, don't try to move too fast. If it were me (when I was unattached) I'd find it very strange and a little frightening if somebody expressed more interest than my deflated social ego thought I deserved. Even after 31 years of marriage I still sometimes have trouble figuring out what I should say to my wife.

No I meant that's one message, and that his prior (rather cool) attitude to the whole date was the other, hence mixed message, like I presume the OP meant. I agree that requesting another date is a strong sign of interest.


Yes, I think both people would be wise to use further dates to find out about each other, so they can each decide whether a good relationship is likely to come of it. And if he's an Aspie, he might not be good at doing some of those little NT things the ladies are supposed to like, such as white-lie compliments, mind reading, and being capable of tearing himself away from a special interest to talk to her. Of course it depends on the individual, but I've known what it's like (e.g.) to be at loggerheads with a partner for not knowing that if she left the room unexpectedly, she really wanted me to go and talk to her. It's a good time to review values and preferences. Some Aspies are unpartnerable, but we know the likely problems and they can be evaluated, and I think a lot of us do well in the right relationship.