Desperately need help with relationship advice!

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Hey everyone. I'll try to be as concise as I can before going to bed. I work graveyard and need to be in bed soon lol. But I really need help as soon as possible. I've been in this long distance relationship with someone I met on eHarmony for almost a year. She lives in California and I live in Oregon. She's an NT and I of course have Aspergers. Things were okay for the first several months, though of course there were ups and downs. I've even gone to visit her a few times. Spent time with her and met her family. One of the only major issues I have is that though she isn't bothered by the Aspergers (I told her early on I had it), she doesn't see it as an issue, and the struggles that come with it can be changed if given enough time and energy. I struggle with reading her through text mostly, and sometimes on the phone. I've told her this constantly but she doesn't understand. She thinks she needs to walk on eggshells with me and it's not true. When we were together in person there wasn't a single problem. But the fact I can't see her face or hear her voice through text. She feels she can't joke with me and has to watch what she says. And with me it's gotten to the point where I am paranoid about what I say in case I upset her. I constantly stress about doing the right thing or saying the right thing, texting her or calling her at the right times. And if I don't she gets upset and I just have to deal with it until she calms down. She also tells me that she feels she needs to tell me how to be a boyfriend, and tell me everything I should do and she shouldn't have to. So recently it's gotten to the point where I'm not happy anymore. A few time I've tried opening up to her and telling her how I feel, but she doesn't seem to understand or doesn't see any problems. Like she's in California thinking everything is fine, and I'm here worried about it constantly. It's really brought me down, and affected my life and my work. Another thing that bothers me is she can't give me a definitive answer on our future together. Like if these things she wants me to change, I can't change if she is willing to stay or end it. All she can tell me is she doesn't know what will happen. And that really hurt. I don't want to invest any more time or money, and possibly marry her and move down there just to have her possibly one day say she can't handle it anymore and that's it. We've talked about marriage and future stuff before and seemed like we were on the same page but I don't think we are anymore. And I am completely at a loss on what to do. I have talked to people close to me, done research or anything I can think of, even paid for a few reports from a psychic website for help. The reports were very accurate on the descriptions of us, but I haven't finished them. I've withdrawn from her and I'm worried that my feelings are going away. I love and care about her deeply, and I love her family and the area she lives in, but I don't think I see a future with her anymore. Not only because of her lack of an answer when I asked, but because she doesn't understand or isn't willing to understand the Aspergers and what comes with it. I feel like I'm all alone in this and it isn't fair. This is the longest and most serious relationship I've ever been in and I know relationships aren't easy and they take a lot of work. But something about this doesn't seem right and I'm afraid I don't have the energy to work through it anymore. She's been trying to get time off to visit here but that hasn't happened yet and she wants to treat me to Vegas for my birthday in April with her family but I don't want to do that, at least not yet. I should have said I have other issues going on in my life that might be affecting me in regards to this but that would take up too much time right now. I just hope someone here can help me. I don't want to give up on this if it can be salvaged and a future can be made, but I have reached some kind of breaking point where something has to happen. I hope I didn't leave anything out. I'm getting tired and need to go, plus this turned out longer than I planned. Thank you so much to everyone out there.

Only you can make the call to stay and try or cut bait. Sorry.

Hey thisischris. Dang GY? That's tough.

Seems like she's indecisive, but at the same time, you have to realize that your plan to relocate and basically start a new life with her is a big deal. Maybe her commitment issues stem from fear of the unknown and the fact that it's a LDR makes it that much scarier. I think that the future of your relationship should be discussed in person because the both of you have a history of miscommunicating over the phone/text. Even though it may be costly (train/plane ride), it's easier to hash everything out face to face. Hope that helps.

We have talked about the future together, every time we were together in person, and though she wanted to take things at a smooth pace which we've been doing, we both wanted the same things. For the immediate future she wants to stay there because all her family is down there and I'm more than willing to leave here and move there. I've been wanting to leave for some time and get away from the past and negative stuff here. I know it'll take some getting used to but with some help and support I'm willing to do it. I don't know what Her issues are because she never opens up, even if I ask her outright. So I'm surprised how things have changed the past month. Her issue with holding off on any long term plans is until I'm able to work out my issues which stem from the Aspergers and more than likely can't be changed. She had told me that she wants me to become confident and make changes to become a better person, but now it seems that its a sticking point that keeps us from moving forward. I just think she expects too much out of me and its emotionally, and psychologically draining and I think I'm tapped out. She seems to think that I don't do enough for her and she's the one doing everything but that certainly isn't true. And the other thing she doesn't agree with is that the long distance thing is creating unique problems that if we were together wouldn't even exist. Granted I know being there wouldn't solve everything but it would make things a lot easier. I try to see things her way but she can't try to see them my way. She just dismisses what I say. I'm so torn it sucks. I can't just throw away a year of what we've had together but and I don't want to but realistically if we can't get past this, there is no future.

I'm picking up a lot of red flags here.

#1. The past will always follow you. It can be escaped if you gain a change in perspective, but fundamentally we all are who and what we are. You only really escape the past if you escape yourself. I'm not one to say that's impossible, but relocating won't really make it easier. You do better just to confront your issues with yourself and others head-on, THEN move on to greener pastures. Maybe the grass is greener on the other side, but that does you little good if the other side is right over the septic tank.


Uh oh…#2


#3


People don't really change, though. #4


#5


#6


#7


#8


#9


#10 This one is especially BAD. Because it's outright denial. I could say about my present relationship "the married thing is creating unique problems that if we weren't together wouldn't even exist." It's not that people never have problems. It's that there's this illusion or delusion that problems get solved by changing the conditions of the relationship. It solves nothing. It just shifts problems to a different area of life. My HS sweetie would say things would be different once we get out of high school. Then she'd say it would get better once she graduated and followed me to college. Then she said it would get better once we got engaged. Well…things were steadily getting worse each step of the way. When is it going to get better? Then she said it would get better once we got married. OK…we're DONE here. We had some good times and some laughs. You're a wonderful person (not really) and deserve to be with the kind of wonderful person I'm just not. There, there, don't cry. It really is going to start getting better now (sound familiar?). No, you keep the handkerchief, it's ok. Good luck, have a nice life! I'll see you later (not really)! Buh-bye!


Uh huh. #11


#12


#13


Yes, you can. #14


Better words were never typed. #15

Look, I'm not here to twist your words out of order and context, put words in your mouth (or on your keyboard), or make your post say something it doesn't. I just want to draw attention to the language you're using. This is messier than the BP oil spill. Sure, there are some positives, and I'm not ignoring what you wrote. But so were the Japanese after a tsunami rolled through, and this has Fukushima written all over it. I'm surprised you're not seeing three-headed fish yet.

Revisit red flag #4. I think we all want to be more confident and be better people than we are, and I think we all really want that for ourselves. There's no shame in that. The issue is when someone we love purports to love us suddenly wants us to be different, to change for anyone else for reasons other than our own…THAT is a problem, and a pretty big one. Have I changed a lot for my SO? You bet. But not because she asked or told me to. I changed because certain tendencies might have been harmful to her and our relationship in the long term. Our needs changed as we matured, our goals together changed as we accomplished a lot of the family kinds of things we wanted early on in our relationship. There's always the "what's next" talks, and we bend and make changes as we move forward TOGETHER. I didn't change, and she didn't change because our expectations of each other changed. We changed either out of a desire individually to be better people for each other, OR we changed because we had no choice. And by "no choice," I mean you can't really stay who you were once you become a father or a mother. Getting married made things a lot different and the rules for being engaged or just bf/gf no longer applied. Things like that. We just grew with the life cycle of our relationship, kinda like how a seed and a tree are really the same thing--the latter is merely a progression of the former. We know our relationship will eventually end, just like a tree will eventually die. It's a depressing thought, and we comfort ourselves somewhat by being mindful of the consequences of our relationship, the fruit we bear, whether through children, work, friendships, etc.

My point is a seed or a tree cannot be anything other than what it is, and those kinds of demands on a relationship to be whatever is not will ultimately break it. It's no different than the relationship between a tree and a tornado--you can't make it work, because the two together are incompatible. It's a TOXIC relationship. Tornados break trees and end up destroying themselves. I'm not saying either of you are self-destructive, but there's no question in my mind you're incompatible.

Your relationship is TOXIC, though, and that's the main point I want to drive home here. You found her, you had some good times over the course of a year. Now let's find a few other people we can enjoy some good times with in the next few weeks. Keep that up and you WILL find a compatible partner. Learn to recognize a TOXIC relationship and avoid them like the plague they are.

[I've been there before, I know what it's like. One year? Try six. We were weeks away from getting married. What finally broke me was the fact that being alone for the rest of my life became preferable to being with HER. I could have lived my teenage life perfectly fulfilled WITHOUT having to learn that lesson. Relationships DON'T last forever. A better-lived life is the one in which the best relationships, not the worst ones, are the ones lasting the longest.]

Thank you so much. I really needed that last reply. What I meant about leaving here was that when I was down there with her, I wasn't stressed or worried about the things I normally stress and worry about, I was living in the moment and it was nice. I understand there are some things I can't run away from and that moving there doesn't not solve everything. She thinks that the Asperger traits are things that can change, I've just convinced myself that they can't be so again it's on me. She never said anything in the beginning though or in the first several months, so it must not have been an issue. We just don't see eye to eye. She has her opinions based on her reaction to things that have happened and I have mine and they don't match. This is only my third serious relationship so I guess I'm still learning on what to look for and what to avoid. But I do agree with you that we are too different and maybe incompatible. I just need to find the guts to end it. I'm just not 100 percent sure, if that makes sense.

Well, and let's be fair, too. I don't know you, I don't know her, and my thoughts are only based on what you typed here.

The question about change is do you actually feel that changing is important enough to you that you'd do it? Be HONEST about that. Most of us aren't REALLY willing or able to change, no matter how much we'd like to. My turning point in the relationship I described was realizing how unlikely it was that I was wrong all the time. I'm not RIGHT all the time, but according to her, I was always wrong, I was always a jerk, I never listened to her, always did this, never did that… I still loved her. I still wanted things to work out. I didn't want to be the one to break up with her. But we'd journeyed as far as we could together, maybe even too far, and there simply was no future in it. I hated that. I cried bitter tears over it for a long time before and after. But it was time to let go.

Getting dumped when it's a bad relationship sucks. Dumping someone when it's a GOOD relationship is even worse, but even the best relationships aren't always meant to be. I really hate telling people to end relationships, though I seem to be doing that a lot. I honestly want relationships to succeed. I think what we struggle with the most is giving ourselves permission to get out of relationships. It's hard enough just to get a relationship off the ground. It seems self-defeating and outright stupid to set the auto-destruct sequence. The trick is making peace with the fact that it's ok to let it go. One of my fondest memories is of a college piano major I dated for 3 semesters. Home for me was 1,500 miles away from her, and things are so much different here and would have been so much more difficult for her that trying to make a life with me would not have been good for her. I loved her just like I loved my ex-fiancee. If love were all it took, I'd probably be taking care of 4 sister-wives and possibly have grand-children by now (I'm only 36).

Use your best judgment, but understand it's OK to put this behind you and try again. And don't sweat the inexperience. You've got the basics, so just keep going with it. Just don't be in too much of a hurry to get into a relationship in the first place. The longer you can be with someone you're familiar with, the more likely you'll have a strong, compatible relationship. I've only slept with 6 women in my life and don't care to sleep with any more, even if the unthinkable were to happen. You've had 3 relationships. You're doing better than many already!

I don't know if I can change things. I want to change. I want things to work between us. I just have so many other things going on here like with work, and health issues that's it's like I'm juggling several things at once. I find it hard to be in my life here and try to have a relationship with someone far away, it's like i need to switch tracks constantly. Plus it doesn't help that I lack self esteem and confidence. I guess maybe that's how things got this bad. I just went along with everything. One the one hand I don't want to end this but on the other hand I just don't want to deal with how it's been going anymore. Been tired and stressed dealing with everything.