Page 1 of 1 [ 7 posts ] 

dirttdan1008
Emu Egg
Emu Egg

User avatar

Joined: 2 Mar 2015
Posts: 6

03 Mar 2015, 6:04 pm

Hello everyone I'm new here. I'm 22, it's my last semester in college, and I have believed that I have aspergers since my junior year in high school. I have never been officially diagnosed due to various complications with my health insurance, but I'm planning on starting the process to get one sometime after I'm settled after college. I've been in a fraternity for a year now. I recently lost 30 lbs, and its turned my life around. But I still have plenty of problems. My brothers have (for the most part) been very understanding and accepting of me, but I still feel like I have huge social deficits. Nonverbal signals are still a huge problem for me, and reading people at parties (particularly girls) is very difficult, especially group communication. Turn-taking is confusing as hell, and sometimes I feel like I'm ignored or no one is interested in me. And there is, of course, the problem of "mind blankness", or not having a clue what to say. I'm still trying to learn to "spit game", but no matter what I do, I seem incapable of talking right, saying the right things, dressing right, or reading signals right. I get really frustrated with neurotypicals (no offense if there's any on here, but I'm sure you understand). There's also times when I ask my housemates what a signal meant, but they can't tell me because "they weren't there". I feel like I can't trust my own senses, because I don't know if a girl is flirting, "being nice", nervous, or indifferent. I'm also still new to the eye contact thing. Even when I make eye contact with someone who could potentially be interested, I'm told that my "weirdness" scares girls away. I've even taken a girl back to my room once, and nothing happened (you know what I mean) and she rejected me all because I disclosed that I had aspergers. :( And the few attractive girls within my circles that I'm friends with all have boyfriends. Don't get me wrong greek life has turned my life around, but I'm just so frustrated. And I'm terrified of what's going to happen after college. How am I going to make friends, let alone a girlfriend?



RoadRatt
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 26 Aug 2014
Age: 59
Gender: Male
Posts: 54,197
Location: Oregon

03 Mar 2015, 7:57 pm

Hey dirttdan1008 welcome. :sunny:


_________________
No power in the 'verse can stop me. - River Tam (Firefly)


alex
Developer
Developer

User avatar

Joined: 13 Jun 2004
Age: 37
Gender: Male
Posts: 10,214
Location: Beverly Hills, CA

03 Mar 2015, 8:19 pm

Well it's hard to make friends in high school. As long as you continue trying and keep a positive outlook, you will gradually improve and be able to make friends much more easily by the time you're in college. When I was in high school I was absolutely horrible at making friends. Now it's fairly easy for me.


_________________
I'm Alex Plank, the founder of Wrong Planet. Follow me (Alex Plank) on Blue Sky: https://bsky.app/profile/alexplank.bsky.social


ASPickle
Pileated woodpecker
Pileated woodpecker

User avatar

Joined: 29 Oct 2014
Age: 44
Gender: Male
Posts: 177
Location: Denver, CO

04 Mar 2015, 3:59 pm

alex wrote:
Well it's hard to make friends in high school. As long as you continue trying and keep a positive outlook, you will gradually improve and be able to make friends much more easily by the time you're in college. When I was in high school I was absolutely horrible at making friends. Now it's fairly easy for me.


I wouldn't say it's easy, per se. But it's at least easier.

And welcome!


_________________
The Autistic Pickle is typed in front of a live studio audience.
No ghosts were harmed in the making of this post.


ASPickle
Pileated woodpecker
Pileated woodpecker

User avatar

Joined: 29 Oct 2014
Age: 44
Gender: Male
Posts: 177
Location: Denver, CO

04 Mar 2015, 4:15 pm

As to your concerns, I offer this: You'll probably do better after college than you currently do in college. With age comes experience. With this experience, you'll learn what works and doesn't work. As such, with each experience that passes, you'll get better at scripting and passing in an NT world. It may not feel like you're gaining experience and practicing all the time, but you are. Learn from it and expand upon it. I know it sucks now, but it gets better.

You'll also meet more people throughout your life and with this larger population comes the probability that you'll meet some compassionate, understanding people. These are the people you should value more than anything else and who will be your true friends... not random people who happen to go to the same college as you. People who actually "get it" or at least want to and try to. They're out there. Keep at it. Until they come along, please feel free to use this community as your support group. We're here for you.

Again, welcome.


_________________
The Autistic Pickle is typed in front of a live studio audience.
No ghosts were harmed in the making of this post.


ThatAspieLinguist
Hummingbird
Hummingbird

User avatar

Joined: 2 Mar 2015
Posts: 24
Location: United States

04 Mar 2015, 6:44 pm

Hello there dirttdan1008,

I too have felt really frustrated with Neurotypicals, particularly the way they socialize with each other. You almost never see a conversation between them that goes like "hey, how was your weekend?" "good yours?" and such, they don't play by the rules, so to speak, and that's what makes it so difficult to converse well with them. Especially group conversations, they're so fast-paced, erratic, and random.

Anyways, some pieces of advice to you. Remember, there is NO "right thing to say." Although there is general etiquette one must follow to be more desirable, such as not interrupting people, not talking about vulgar things, etc. Neurotypicals are not thinking about the thousands of rules and nuances of socializing, they're just saying what they're thinking in the moment, ergo, we should do the same. I think the reason why your mind is going blank in social interactions is because you are way too inhibited, and are spending too much time thinking of the right thing to say at exactly the right moment, ergo you are seen as boring and uninteresting to people.

Any Neurotypical will tell you to just "be yourself" if you ask them how to make friends, and although this is the most simplistic advice one can give, it's pretty accurate. Surely there are people in your life with whom you can talk effortlessly and without inhibition, such as your family, right? When I'm trying to make friends, or participate in a group conversation, I try not to think of the perfect thing to say, nor to dwell too much on scripted patterns of speech or rules of socializing, but rather I ask myself "What would Jay (me) say?" I think you should try an experiment: The next time you're with a group of people, just one time, say exactly what's on your mind, no matter how dull or random you judge it to be, and see how people react to you. You'd be surprised at how flexible the rules are, and how much you can actually get away with, as in you don't have to play exactly by the rules)

I think it's absolutely absurd of someone to reject you just for being aspie, and anyone like that is most certainly not worth your time. So what if you're a little eccentric, we're ALL weird in some way. Aspies in general are seen as "weird" or "different" based on our minute mannerisms, but I promise you if you talk to enough people, there will be many girls who accept you just the way you are. I've told dates of mine things about my self that far surpassed my oddness than my Asperger's, and it did not effect their opinion of me.

Kinda ranted there, but welcome to the forum, and I hope this helps! :)



AnonymousAnonymous
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 23 Nov 2006
Age: 34
Gender: Male
Posts: 69,880
Location: Portland, Oregon

08 Mar 2015, 3:44 pm

Welcome to Wrong Planet!


_________________
Silly NTs, I have Aspergers, and having Aspergers is gr-r-reat!