22 Mar 2015, 6:38 pm
Hi all,
So I'm new here, a 33 yo Australian male with a freshly minted Asperger's diagnosis. My head's still spinning a bit, and I'm a bit isolated (as comes with the territory) so I thought it best to connect with others who have gone through the same thing.
On the one hand the diagnosis is welcome for just how much it explains about how I grew up and a lot of the choices I've made to get here. On the other hand, it's daunting, confronting something like this that will be with you for life and all of the fears I have about not connecting properly with others, succeeding in my work and being a good father to my daughter.
I guess like everyone else I knew I was different from other kids growing up: I was academically bright, intensely focused on the things that mattered to me (often to the exclusion of all else) and didn't really make friends easily. I was extremely clumsy, couldn't tie my own shoe laces until I was six, I chatted to myself a lot, often adopting different accents, was uncomfortable making eye-contact and didn't like being hugged or touched except by my parents. I had repeated meltdowns and had difficulty regulating my emotions. I'd get exhausted easily and couldn't stand high contrast in lighting if that makes sense. From what I know now these are pretty strong indicators of ASD, but there wasn't as much knowledge of these things at the time in the little town I grew up in. I was just a little 'weird' and uncoordinated in my parents eyes. To everyone else I was wimpy and coddled and didn't try hard enough, so I had to live with that on top of the constant bullying that came with being easy to set off. I didn't even know something like Asperger's existed until I was in my twenties. On what I'd read about it I knew I ticked some of the boxes, and had my suspicions. But I was well into adulthood and I'd learned to control and suppress some of the more obvious aspie behaviours by then, so I could talk myself out of looking any deeper into it.
My adult life has very much been about 'passing'. I've spent a life time trying to be normal - and it's worked to a large extent. The meltdowns aren't as frequent or ferocious (though I still have stroppy episodes), up until I moved recently I held down a steady job for five years. I met and married a wonderful and patient woman and we recently had our first child. Considering where I started socially and emotionally, these are huge successes.
But the thing with 'passing' is that there's always the real you who you've buried piece-by-piece in the well over the years, and I can still hear that kid screaming down there a lot of the time. It creeps through in my day to day life - I adore my daughter but she's a puzzle to me - it takes a while to read just what she needs. I've learnt, but it's not instinctual and that's really frustrating for both of us. When she has a bad day (I'm at home with her most of the time as I've given self-employment a shot after our interstate move) I really struggle. I'm often totally oblivious around the house with cleaning and stuff. The will is there, but I don't notice until it's pointed out and it drives my wife mad. I've had a lot of difficulty communicating with my wife effectively - thoughtful gestures and such are so far out of routine that I find making the mental leap to make them difficult and that's another thing she struggles with. With work it's been interesting - in the past if I'm just left to do my thing and deliver results I've been fine. Close supervision tends to throw me for a loop and my very particular way of doing things tends to make others think I'm not doing the job properly. Working for myself is great, in theory at least, but as with many ASD folks, my time-management and organisation is all over the shop. I'm learning, but it's a painful process at the moment. This all went into overdrive after the stress of moving, changing jobs and caring for a young baby. I was passing less and less, while my marriage was under serious duress, so I had to get things looked at urgently, and here we are.
As I said, this is a new way of thinking about myself and I don't know quite what to make of it. I explained it to my wife, who was so relieved at the diagnosis, that it was like discovering your parents aren't your parents - the major, formative part of who I am has been hidden from me all this time. My whole life has steered a direction from a force I didn't even know about, much less control. On the one hand, this could be a new beginning: on the other, it's a new beginning and that means starting from scratch and all the trials and tribulations that go along with that. Even though I know I can produce good work (I'm a graphic designer), even though I know I'm a good father (most of the time) I read about the outcomes for ASDs in work, relationships and parenting and I worry I'm going to fail on these fronts. It's irrational, in many ways I've already succeeded and my daughter is an incredibly happy, engaged child, but sometimes I see a future where my horizons and expectations need to be lowered because of who I am. It's hard getting past that some days.
That's probably more than enough from now. I'm really hoping to connect with people who've gone through this before as an adult and how they came out the other side and to know that things can be okay after diagnosis.
AnonymousAnonymous
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Joined: 23 Nov 2006
Age: 34
Gender: Male
Posts: 70,112
Location: Portland, Oregon
