Why is Asperger's unattractive?

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XJ220RACER
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01 Apr 2015, 12:25 am

If you're just talking about surface sex appeal and not anything deeper or more real, then yes, the clumsiness of Asperger's makes it hard to be considered attractive by that measure. However, that is not the only measure and surface sex appeal isn't what anyone should aim for - and if anything, I would rather not have it, because I wouldn't want to be launched into the current culture of promiscuity.

Talking about a friend or a partner - I wouldn't want someone with razor-sharp social skills either. I'm so sick of those people, I want someone who either has their guard down or doesn't know how or when to put it up. In other words, awkwardness would actually be preferred. It's endearing and genuine; qualities that are not easy to find, especially in a society that makes us posture and seem "cool" (sharp and fluid at the cost of being unemotional and uncaring) Maybe some NT's think the same way, I don't know.

My voice probably kills it for a lot of girls, it is very nasal and high pitched. That's the first challenge.

After that, I'm very aloof, it is hard for me to stop daydreaming and put my energy into someone. And a lot of people take my aloof mellowness as a sign that I don't like them, or that I don't want to be around them and I would rather be off doing something else. Flirting is the opposite of that, you have to breach past your own personal space and into that of someone else. That is where things get very difficult for me. Next girl I come across who I really like, I'm going to have to try very hard to be energetic around her and get into rhythm.

Because that is what flirting is, getting into a rhythm with someone. Unless you're desperate enough to want to change yourself (if you even can) it is a lot better to just wait and find someone who can get into your rhythm. My first (and so far only) girlfriend had both serious attention problems and an "off"-ness to her, I guess that is why things went smoothly for us - at least before we got into deeper stages.


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darkphantomx1
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01 Apr 2015, 11:56 am

XJ220RACER wrote:
If you're just talking about surface sex appeal and not anything deeper or more real, then yes, the clumsiness of Asperger's makes it hard to be considered attractive by that measure. However, that is not the only measure and surface sex appeal isn't what anyone should aim for - and if anything, I would rather not have it, because I wouldn't want to be launched into the current culture of promiscuity.

Talking about a friend or a partner - I wouldn't want someone with razor-sharp social skills either. I'm so sick of those people, I want someone who either has their guard down or doesn't know how or when to put it up. In other words, awkwardness would actually be preferred. It's endearing and genuine; qualities that are not easy to find, especially in a society that makes us posture and seem "cool" (sharp and fluid at the cost of being unemotional and uncaring) Maybe some NT's think the same way, I don't know.

My voice probably kills it for a lot of girls, it is very nasal and high pitched. That's the first challenge.

After that, I'm very aloof, it is hard for me to stop daydreaming and put my energy into someone. And a lot of people take my aloof mellowness as a sign that I don't like them, or that I don't want to be around them and I would rather be off doing something else. Flirting is the opposite of that, you have to breach past your own personal space and into that of someone else. That is where things get very difficult for me. Next girl I come across who I really like, I'm going to have to try very hard to be energetic around her and get into rhythm.

Because that is what flirting is, getting into a rhythm with someone. Unless you're desperate enough to want to change yourself (if you even can) it is a lot better to just wait and find someone who can get into your rhythm. My first (and so far only) girlfriend had both serious attention problems and an "off"-ness to her, I guess that is why things went smoothly for us - at least before we got into deeper stages.


I agree. I'm pretty awkward myself. I probably will never be really good at talking I think thats why you want to find someone who has similar interests, especially if you're not the greatest socially because you can have something to talk about and you can build relationships that way.



XJ220RACER
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01 Apr 2015, 5:07 pm

darkphantomx1 wrote:
I agree. I'm pretty awkward myself. I probably will never be really good at talking I think thats why you want to find someone who has similar interests, especially if you're not the greatest socially because you can have something to talk about and you can build relationships that way.


Exactly! Once you get past the initial phase, shared interests are what really matter - if you want to actually do more with someone than just size them up, and you like doing the same things, that is when a bond will happen.

Here's another thought - some interests are more attractive than others. Creativity is very attractive, to not only be passionate about something, but also good at it. That hyper-focused mental energy that a lot of Aspies have is awkward when it is undirected, but put it into a guitar, paintbrush, camera, etc. - it is then more like an absolute gift.


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darkphantomx1
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02 Apr 2015, 11:23 am

Well if your passion is cockroaches, good luck finding another girl to discuss cockroaches with. You find a pretty girl who has a fascination for cockroaches and likes you back, you better not let her go.

Some interests are just more popular then others like music for example. Girls like guys who sing and play guitar right? If you're a decent singer and you play pretty good guitar, you will impress some ladies. Unfortunately I sound like an out of tune billy goat when I sing so I will just stick to lead guitar. But someone who sings and plays guitar is usually more valuable then someone who doesn't sing and plays guitar.



carrinabwthmurphy
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02 Apr 2015, 12:19 pm

It's hard for me to be carefree. Also it takes allot of responsibility to deal with the emotional load inside us.



carrinabwthmurphy
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02 Apr 2015, 12:26 pm

Oh yeah... Also i don't have a problem with intimacy with one person (at least at first?) nor am i unattractive physically or sexually. But not having the best hygiene or dressing skills (great as long as i put in effort\don't care) isn't that attractive. But there is an unusual strain on the day to day life. How can a normal person deal well with an ill-adapted person? They can but it's difficult for them and after time the pessimism and lack of enthusiasm for mundane things can become depressing.



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02 Apr 2015, 1:06 pm

My problem is i'm a really short guy and i'm light. I'm 5 ft 3 and weight anywhere from 100 to 103. I'm usually lighter in the summer. Also I have a somewhat weird voice as well and am pretty awkward looking when I talk. Not to mention, I am somewhat shy around girls, especially ones I like and I don't have the greatest social skills.

I don't let my height bother me too much. It doesn't bother me as much as it used to be. Do I wish I was taller? Heck ya a 5 inch growth spurt would be alright but I know theres nothing I can do about it so I might as well accept it.



sly279
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02 Apr 2015, 1:30 pm

darkphantomx1 wrote:
Well if your passion is cockroaches, good luck finding another girl to discuss cockroaches with. You find a pretty girl who has a fascination for cockroaches and likes you back, you better not let her go.

Some interests are just more popular then others like music for example. Girls like guys who sing and play guitar right? If you're a decent singer and you play pretty good guitar, you will impress some ladies. Unfortunately I sound like an out of tune billy goat when I sing so I will just stick to lead guitar. But someone who sings and plays guitar is usually more valuable then someone who doesn't sing and plays guitar.



as one of the very few int he world who has no musical talent it sucks.
when women talk about talent or giftedness its almost always playing an instrument or art. guess women prefer more liberal men. o.O :(



goldfish21
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02 Apr 2015, 2:09 pm

sly279 wrote:
as one of the very few int he world who has no musical talent it sucks.
when women talk about talent or giftedness its almost always playing an instrument or art. guess women prefer more liberal men. o.O :(


Yeah, you're right sly.. there are only 3 people out of 7 Billion+ on Earth that have no musical talent and you're one of them. :roll:

Newsflash: The vast majority of people do not have musical talent. Heck, many musicians don't even have musical talent lol. Meanwhile there are Billions of men in relationships who have no musical abilities whatsoever. Not playing an instrument or being an artist of some sort does not automatically exclude someone from having a relationship.


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Lazar_Kaganovich
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02 Apr 2015, 4:36 pm

sly279 wrote:
darkphantomx1 wrote:
Well if your passion is cockroaches, good luck finding another girl to discuss cockroaches with. You find a pretty girl who has a fascination for cockroaches and likes you back, you better not let her go.

Some interests are just more popular then others like music for example. Girls like guys who sing and play guitar right? If you're a decent singer and you play pretty good guitar, you will impress some ladies. Unfortunately I sound like an out of tune billy goat when I sing so I will just stick to lead guitar. But someone who sings and plays guitar is usually more valuable then someone who doesn't sing and plays guitar.



as one of the very few int he world who has no musical talent it sucks.
when women talk about talent or giftedness its almost always playing an instrument or art. guess women prefer more liberal men. o.O :(



I hate to break it to you but it's TRUE: Women generally do prefer more liberal men. But even though you have no musical talent, do you have any artistic talent? If yes then by golly make use of it! If not, find *something* that you're good at and really focus your time and energy at doing it.

The most sagacious piece of advice I've ever come across about finding romance is...............*drumroll*........

If you are looking for the love of your life, STOP. They will be waiting there when you are doing things that you love.



darkphantomx1
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02 Apr 2015, 4:40 pm

Considering what I love doing now, I doubt i'm going to be finding anyone anytime soon. Time to focus my time and energy on actually doing something with my life. Honestly the path i'm on now, i'm going to be 25 working a low-paying job and not really doing much. I'm 20 and I still have plenty of free time but that is running out. I need to take advantage of it while I still can.

I have much more potential it's just that I lack the drive and motivation and I don't have an intense interest like some aspies do.



goldfish21
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02 Apr 2015, 5:01 pm

Lazar_Kaganovich wrote:
I hate to break it to you but it's TRUE: Women generally do prefer more liberal men. But even though you have no musical talent, do you have any artistic talent? If yes then by golly make use of it! If not, find *something* that you're good at and really focus your time and energy at doing it.

The most sagacious piece of advice I've ever come across about finding romance is...............*drumroll*........

If you are looking for the love of your life, STOP. They will be waiting there when you are doing things that you love.


This is SO true! Doesn't have to be music or art, though. Just something that you're passionate about & truly enjoy, even if you're not particularly good at it.

Because:

Image

and that's attractive.

I'm not musical. Sometimes creative & artistic, though. I've made a few nice things.. a bit of "engineered art." etc. Making cool isht for others really does make me come alive.. but I'm not really passionate about the things so much as I am about the people I love that I've made things for. Rather, what makes me come alive best is going kiteboarding.. and so I'll be doing that again this Summer as much as I can! :D Well, and other interests like renovations/construction.

I haven't put any real effort into finding a significant other in quite some time & I don't intend to. Instead, I've shifted gears more and more towards just doing what I love and having faith that eventually I'll meet the right someone while going about my life. Also, there is someone I am hoping to meet this Summer when they pass through town.. so I suppose that influences my not giving a isht about meeting someone else between now and then - which is nice, as it allows me to be a lot more productive with my time vs. flirting & chatting with others online.

But yeah, figure out what your "thing" is and Do it! You'll be happy, and people like happy people, and then might just meet someone for having "come alive." 8)


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XJ220RACER
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02 Apr 2015, 7:02 pm

darkphantomx1 wrote:
My problem is i'm a really short guy and i'm light. I'm 5 ft 3 and weight anywhere from 100 to 103. I'm usually lighter in the summer. Also I have a somewhat weird voice as well and am pretty awkward looking when I talk. Not to mention, I am somewhat shy around girls, especially ones I like and I don't have the greatest social skills.

I don't let my height bother me too much. It doesn't bother me as much as it used to be. Do I wish I was taller? Heck ya a 5 inch growth spurt would be alright but I know theres nothing I can do about it so I might as well accept it.


If it makes you feel any better - I'm about 6'2" and good looking enough and am not getting half as many girls as some guys a head shorter than me. I'm convinced voice is everything - the good thing is is that that can always be worked on. I'm going back to speech therapy hopefully in May with the specific concern of talking less nasal, for the first time.

Playing guitar will be enough, you don't have to sing as well. If you are able to get good enough and start a band, you could invite a girl who you've noticed to one of your shows. I'm a photographer and very well known around my town for it, girls have come up to me and asked if we could go hiking and taking pictures, I still drop the ball so many times though, God I must be so clueless 8O


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02 Apr 2015, 7:13 pm

darkphantomx1 wrote:
A lot of aspies have trouble with dating and relationships. It's not that having aspergers makes us unattractive, it's some of the traits associated with it that makes it harder to date and appeal to the opposite sex.

For one thing, the social difficulties. Every single one of us have social challenges to a certain degree. Some of us for instance, come off as rude and cold because we're brutally honest or we seem to not care about the people we're talking with. Others are very shy and have very bad social anxiety so it's impossible to maintain a conversation with someone we like. While others aren't very good social talkers in general, talking isn't their natural state and talking is required for building relationships. Dating is hard for anyone, having Aspergers probably makes it slighty harder.

Hygiene and look wise can also be a problem but this one is easily preventable. No offense but I see a lot of aspie guys who don't put a lot of effort into their looks. Never combing your hair, never brushing your teeth, not caring about how you look, wearing the same baggy clothes. Smelling like a trash can isn't going to help either. The good news is that you can make yourself better looking by making changes to your hygiene.


Actually us aspies are some of the coolest people you'll ever meet once you get to know us. Many of us have a unique sense of humor and unique perspective on life and unique special interests as well.


I put effort into appearance, yet I still look terrible. I take a shower every day, yet I still smell and my hair is greasy. I really wish I could look more attractive.



RobertLovesPi
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02 Apr 2015, 7:23 pm

Solution to this problem: seek out other Aspies, rather than non-Aspies, as romantic partners.


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sly279
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02 Apr 2015, 11:56 pm

goldfish21 wrote:

Yeah, you're right sly.. there are only 3 people out of 7 Billion+ on Earth that have no musical talent and you're one of them. :roll:

Newsflash: The vast majority of people do not have musical talent. Heck, many musicians don't even have musical talent lol. Meanwhile there are Billions of men in relationships who have no musical abilities whatsoever. Not playing an instrument or being an artist of some sort does not automatically exclude someone from having a relationship.



musical talent could be as simple as able to play a single song on an instrument. almost everyone in my school learned how to play an instrument.

like a lo tof things it doesn't make it impossible but it does really hurt your chances and makes it harder.
I'm sure a genocidal, hunchback horribly ugly poor, jobless, guy who has no penis etc could find a gf, does that mean it was easier or that women would be all over him or that other people similar will no.
for every variable theres an except that don't mean the exception is the norm.