Why is Asperger's unattractive?

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Given what I have experienced with my Aspie-like Girlfriend, I would say that even though I KNOW she is in love with me, she isn't good at expressing it and this causes anxiety and confusion. It's hard not to misinterpret her passive and shy nature with someone who is disinterested or passive aggressive. Like me, she isn't capable of blowing someone's socks off (she will never be a salesperson or a showman) but the more I get to know her the more I appreciate how amazing she is. If I were not Aspie myself, I probably would have walked away confused by her mixed signals. Like me, she also takes time to think before she talks. I will admit it's hard not to think she is just trying to think of a clever lie. She is also honest to a fault sometimes and I had to sit her down and politely explain that guys like to have their egos inflated once in a while.

Finally, I also had a chuckle when I was at her parent's house. Her family portrait looks just like mine with that blank "staged" expression that looks more like a passport photo or a prison mugshot. No wonder one woman said I looked like a serial killer

<insert almost every ASD trait here> lol

Social awkwardness is #1, anxious/nervous body language, lack of eye contact which can make you seem shifty or lacking in confidence.. etc. Pretty much everything ASD can be perceived as unattractive by most people.

I've said it here before & I'll say it again:

There are some (very very few) mildly ASD people I've met that I find their ASD traits to be.. cute & I'd date them for sure. But others with much stronger symptoms that I've found to be annoying/unattractive to the point that I wouldn't want to spend much time around them at all so long as I can avoid it & would certainly never date them. I've found that as I've managed to minimize my own symptoms and maximize my "NT intuition," that my tolerance for "annoying/unattractive" Aspies has diminished in terms of attraction. I'm civil & polite with them as best I can be, but the more "socially conscious," I've become, the more unattractive strong AS traits are to me & I sometimes literally catch myself rolling my eyes and thinking "..wtf?" as I plan my escape from interacting with such terribly awkward people. Whether in a personal or professional capacity, strong AS traits can be a real turnoff, as even with my understanding of them they can become annoying or frustrating to deal with. I can deal with them as needed for work/life purposes, but I would never choose to have one as a significant other unless they were one of the rare ones that had traits I found to be cute vs. difficult to deal with.

Call me an a-hole all you want, but that's my honest take on the topic. Also, I don't consider myself a hypocrite about these things as I've also most definitely been one of the annoying/difficult/unattractive ones in my past. Learning all about ASD, and then managing to minimize my symptoms, has allowed me to look back with 20/20 hindsight and realize just how difficult a person I was for many in my life. When I get annoyed/frustrated by someone's strong symptoms, sometimes it brings back a memory of when I used to do the exact same thing that's pissing me off in that moment and I realize just a how annoying I was to others when I did the same things & have a better understanding of my past. I don't dwell on it, though. I just kinda laugh it off and forgive myself for making mistakes I didn't realize I was making at the time, learn from my present observations and past memory recollections, and continue moving forward.

Maybe I'm weird, but I generally find Aspies attractive ...

Its has to do with the lack of social confidence. For me, I just stay away from interaction with other people unless it is necessity. ( Mostly talking to family members, college tutors and classmates about my school work.) Will admit though, would love to have the ability to get conferrable with interacting with other people without getting judged. I hate these rules of human interaction where if someone isn't fully confident with their social skills. They're just different, awkward, and hell to some, inhuman. Some people just have no patience.

I agree. Most aspies probably didn't have a girlfriend in high school. I was no exception. I actually had several opportunities. This one girl my junior year especially, her friends told me she liked me but I was way too shy to make a move. I pretty much choked up. I wouldn't make the same mistake though.

Last edited by darkphantomx1 on 26 Mar 2015, 2:36 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I don't think that is necessarily true, but as a parent to an ASD son, I can say that he tends to be a good-looking kid that is more than capable of hiding that under, well, not caring. Not taking proper care of his skin (and, thus, having more acne and scars than he needs to), not looking in a mirror to make sure his hair isn't doing something weird (it is naturally wavy and has a mind of its own), not caring if his hair gets cut regularly, not caring if his clothes are clean or in good shape, doing this odd chewing thing with his mouth when thinking (it is a stim, but it sure does twist his face in an odd way, and that odd way is not attractive), not realizing when his mouth is gaping in public (not attractive on anyone), not realizing when he is chewing his clothes in public (not attractive on anyone), never working out (he just doesn't like to, and he is naturally thin, but his dad has a great body and he could do, too - if he wanted to) and so on. But, still, I've heard about various girls at school that like him. Imagine how many more would if he'd just care, and stop doing the things that let some people decide he is "gross" (I've heard about that, too)? Part of me admires that he doesn't, to him no one should care about superficial stuff, but I guess most people believe that ends with the things you actually could easily control. Instead, for him, the concept of being accepted as he is goes much further. Right now he doesn't care about dating so it works out OK; I'm curious to see if it will ever change.

Last edited by DW_a_mom on 26 Mar 2015, 2:39 pm, edited 2 times in total.

Physical attractiveness is less important for guys than social status which being on the spectrum is usually pretty severely effected. So combined this low social status and our difficulty with social interaction it is not hard to understand, it hurts but I get it. For me at this point, I'm just trying to work on bettering myself for myself and let the chips fall where they may. What else can you do?

I say let the chips fall. Whats the point of making friends if one isn't going to get you a good grade or a job. Working to better yourself is where confidence is built.

This statement just highlights your complete lack of understanding social interactions and their value.. entirely. Friends have nothing to do with getting good grades or a job. The value of friendships is in the friendships themselves, not external things you can get out of them. There's a certain reciprocal love & appreciation for one another that comes from friendships that has to be felt to be experienced.

I say otherwise. Girls judge guys based on looks as well. Me for instance, i'm very short and pretty skinny (only 5 ft 2 and 103 pounds) and because i'm so small, I look slightly younger. My size will probably be a turn off for many women and I probably won't be attracting girls who are older either.

Being physically attractive isn't just your face, it's also your body. In fact your body composition may be more important then your face. Being short and fat isn't as attractive as being tall and skinny. Being really short and skinny doesn't help either. I have a good friend who is also very short and slim, he is 5 ft 4. If we were both a foot taller, we would be so much more attractive to women.

I had a few years of high physical attractiveness in my twenties, long enough to realize many guys are SUPER shallow. I could have been a schizo off her meds and they wouldn't have noticed/cared.

Agreed.

As a gay guy, IMO physical attractiveness is at least, if not more, important than other components of attraction. Physical appearances form first impressions and they're absolutely critical as to whether I'm attracted to a guy or not. In some ways many gay guys are very vain and very into physical appearance above other things.

As for height, specifically, for me a guy has to be a little shorter than me - but Not taller - and not too much shorter, either lol. Meanwhile a friend of mine likes guys a fair bit shorter than he is. In the height/build department, I'm not everyone's cup of tea, but I think I have it pretty well overall being 6'2" & 200lbs of mostly muscle at ~13% body fat.

As for height/build, you're quite right that being taller likely is more attractive for most - however, not for everyone. There are people out there who are specifically attracted to short skinny guys just as there are people out there who are attracted to short fat guys or tall fat guys or tall skinny guys etc. It's probably not as common, but there ARE people out there who are physically attracted to guys your height & build. You just need to meet one/some of them. With 7Billion+ people on the planet, there's bound to be many people who are into exactly your looks. It's only a matter of time until you meet one/some, really.

Oh, and being a gay guy (even though I am Not effeminate at all) girls tend to be more comfortable talking to me about what they like about certain guys etc, and trust me, physical attraction is JUST as important to the typical female as it is to the typical male. Not for some, but for most.. girls like what they like, whatever their type happens to be. It's just that personality and emotional attraction tend to Also be important to girls.. but Not that physical attraction to a guys appearance is unimportant.

They will if you're cute.

I wasn't saying it wasn't important at all but there are other factors at play for straight guys that might not apply the same way to women and probably gay men. I think most women would find me more attractive relative to me right now if I had a good career, a car, successful friends/family, was respected, was more educated etc than if the only thing different was that I was 6'2" 200 with 6 pack abs. Maybe I'm wrong I dunno, should I hit the gym and invest in some lifts or should I work go back to school and work on a career? I know obviously you want to attack it from all angles but the question is why are those on the spectrum found less attractive.

There you have your first answer. There is no "or." Do both. Myself, I have a formal education and am now in good physical shape. I didn't do both at the same time, but in hindsight I really ought to have and there's no good reason I or anyone else shouldn't. If I had to do it all over again I'd do both as they complement & fuel one another in a nice balance.

As for the question about those on the spectrum being found less attractive, that's been answered several times over in this thread already. Main unattractive aspie thing = socially ret*d = major turnoff, simply put.

Why is asperger's unattractive and off-putting? It's very simple.... We are different.... And people fear what they don't understand... Just look at gay people, they have been misunderstood and hated since the beginning of time but they are starting to be accepted as our understanding of them increases. I think the same thing will happen with people on the spectrum. As more and more people are exposed to aspies and learn more about the condition their understanding will increase and they won't think we are so weird. Let's keep in mind that most people don't even know what asperger's is.... They just think we are weirdos or a-holes.