Why is Asperger's unattractive?

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nomoretears
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30 Mar 2015, 4:07 pm

GiantHockeyFan wrote:

Given what I have experienced with my Aspie-like Girlfriend, I would say that even though I KNOW she is in love with me, she isn't good at expressing it and this causes anxiety and confusion. It's hard not to misinterpret her passive and shy nature with someone who is disinterested or passive aggressive. Like me, she isn't capable of blowing someone's socks off (she will never be a salesperson or a showman) but the more I get to know her the more I appreciate how amazing she is. If I were not Aspie myself, I probably would have walked away confused by her mixed signals. Like me, she also takes time to think before she talks. I will admit it's hard not to think she is just trying to think of a clever lie. She is also honest to a fault sometimes and I had to sit her down and politely explain that guys like to have their egos inflated once in a while.

Finally, I also had a chuckle when I was at her parent's house. Her family portrait looks just like mine with that blank "staged" expression that looks more like a passport photo or a prison mugshot. No wonder one woman said I looked like a serial killer :lol:

I've been told something to that effect, almost verbatim by a guy who constantly looked over me for years. I guess other women know better how to hook a man. I have no idea what I'm doing so differently, except that I need more alone time. I've been told that i'm hard to read as well.

Ive told myself that maybe if I found a man I really liked, I'd want less alone time. I don't know how true that is. I tried to be that girlfriend, but looking but it was very soul crushing for me. I imagine if a guy is used to women who always want to talk on the phone, always want to be around, spend every weekend with him, go out every weekend to bars and clubs, it would be difficult to understand someone who is quite the opposite.

I too take awhile to reply. I like to think about what I say. I'm very gaffe prone. So I guess I either gaffe/offend or people think i'm ignoring them or what not.

ProfessorJohn
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30 Mar 2015, 4:15 pm

kraftiekortie wrote:

What are your "nerdy" interests? One of mine is the 1381 Peasants' Rebellion.

Never heard of that one before. Ham Radio, Astronomy, Interstate Highways. Actually got excited last week because I got to drive on a new part of Interstate 49 in Missouri. Weird, I know!

kraftiekortie
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30 Mar 2015, 4:23 pm

I look at mile markers on the Interstates. I enjoy determining my speed based on them. I'm delighted there is a Mexico in NY State, and a Brooklyn Bridge Road at Mile 34 on I-95 in Maryland.

will@rd
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30 Mar 2015, 4:44 pm

There is absolutely nothing physically unattractive about AS. What's unattractive is the self-loathing and despair that some embrace as an excuse for failure. Yes, we have handicaps when it comes to getting to know people and forging relationships, but as long as you're still breathing, handicaps can be overcome.

Tony Attwood's Complete Guide to Asperger's Syndrome describes several exercises designed to help autistic children learn to be more socially aware, develop their skills and make friends, but even if you're not a kid, they're good reminders of what not to do and how to be more responsive to others in social situations.

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androbot01
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30 Mar 2015, 4:56 pm

goldfish21 wrote:

...As for the question about those on the spectrum being found less attractive, that's been answered several times over in this thread already. Main unattractive aspie thing = socially ret*d = major turnoff, simply put.

I disagree. (...and am slightly offended.) Being on the spectrum does not equate to retardation, which is a meaningless and outdated term that I'm surprised to see you use. However the larger flaw in your argument is your conclusion. Social norms are flexible and turnoffedness is up to the beholder. The idea of normal is a fantasy.

xxZeromancerlovexx
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30 Mar 2015, 5:15 pm

Aspergers is the reason why I don't wear Hello Kitty merch and don't listen to preschooler music. This "I wanna be a prom queen too!" crap that some girls with Aspergers pull is pitiful. Why don't they force themselves to be a prom queen instead of making a seven year old in a 17 year old's body out of themselves?

Self pity is super unattractive. If you wanted to be something that bad you would force yourself to be it. :roll:

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ProfessorJohn
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30 Mar 2015, 6:41 pm

kraftiekortie wrote:

I look at mile markers on the Interstates. I enjoy determining my speed based on them. I'm delighted there is a Mexico in NY State.

There is also a Mexico in Missouri. I guess that is one good thing that I got with the Asperger's. I am a fountain of useless knowledge.

ProfessorJohn
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30 Mar 2015, 6:43 pm

xxZeromancerlovexx wrote:

If you wanted to be something that bad you would force yourself to be it. :roll:

I wish it were that easy.

kraftiekortie
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30 Mar 2015, 8:10 pm

Well....many people don't actually find Aspergian types to be "unattractive."

What's most important is to be physically clean. Nobody, man or woman, likes somebody who is dirty.

I'm sure your wife finds you pretty attractive, Professor John.

All this crap about "nerdiness" started around the time of Adlai Stevenson (i.e., in the early 1950s). He was the reason the term "egghead" was invented.

goldfish21
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30 Mar 2015, 9:49 pm

androbot01 wrote:

goldfish21 wrote:

Agree to disagree then I suppose. I didn't say retardation. I said "socially ret*d." Call it whatever you want: socially inept, social deficiency, socially inferior, under functioning social brain circuits... no matter which way you slice it, Aspies tend to be lacking in the social department and that's a major turnoff for most people, and IMO the core of the reason many Aspies are perceived as unattractive.

Sure, social norms are flexible.. but there's still a norm & most Aspies don't typically resemble people w/ normal social behaviour. Of course "turnoffedness" is up to the beholder.. but I'm talking about typical normal NT people. In general, people aren't attracted to the socially inept. The idea of normal is not a fantasy. It's very real. It's why we have social norms that you yourself just referenced.

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ProfessorJohn
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31 Mar 2015, 12:14 am

kraftiekortie wrote:

I'm sure your wife finds you pretty attractive, Professor John.

I would like to think so. I sometimes worry that if I can't determine why I was so unattractive in the past, I won't be able to keep it from happening again.

LoveforLoki
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31 Mar 2015, 2:27 am

I feel unattractive a lot, mostly because I was teased growing up for being awkward everyday. I didn't learn how to be feminine until my early 20's and was quite tomboyish up until then.

Today I am married and my husband finds me very attractive. I have done modeling and do not have trouble to attract others, even though I am quite eccentric and odd. I do have trouble with slouching, I have read this is a common autistic trait, when I slouch my face can change completely, it becomes less defined an what I believe to be very unattractive so it is something I constantly at battle with. I am not much of a chatty person and am often in my own world so my social skills are not very good but the type of people I like and that like me are not really into being ultra social as well so it works out pretty good.

I will be with my husband for the rest of my life (or his) so I am not concerned with being attractive to other people any longer, just him. That leaves me with more interesting things to focus on like my art and family, sex and all that comes along with it I don't think about very much.

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314pe
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31 Mar 2015, 4:27 am

will@rd wrote:

It's mean to imply that all aspies who fail at friendships and relationships simply don't try hard enough.

androbot01
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31 Mar 2015, 1:38 pm

goldfish21 wrote:

Call it whatever you want: socially inept, social deficiency, socially inferior, under functioning social brain circuits... no matter which way you slice it, Aspies tend to be lacking in the social department and that's a major turnoff for most people, and IMO the core of the reason many Aspies are perceived as unattractive.

Well, social fluidity is not everything. Many attractive people are quiet. So I guess we disagree.

ProfessorJohn
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31 Mar 2015, 2:22 pm

androbot01 wrote:

goldfish21 wrote:

Well, social fluidity is not everything. Many attractive people are quiet. So I guess we disagree.

I do think there is a difference between being quiet (introverted) and having poor social skills. I can be quiet and still exhibit odd behavior, or not give off the correct non-verbal cues, etc.

androbot01
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31 Mar 2015, 2:37 pm

All people with ASD don't behave the same way. Not all are quiet, like you say, but there's no one autistic way of being. And social skills can be learned, so being challenged by them is not the end of the game.

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