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Noel123
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30 Mar 2015, 6:01 pm

Hello everyone.

I am new here and is a bit at a lost. I thought I can post my issue on here as Ive always been the type to never post anything personal online. Help from an AS man or females with past or similar experiences is much needed!

I have been dating an AS man for almost a year now and I have to say, it has been the most stressful relationship I've ever endured. My question is how long does it take for an aspie man to let go of his past. My boyfriend was dating this girl who had a kid by someone else and she was involved at the time. He knew about it but still both were able to keep a long distant emotional affair since they lived in two different states. They have used video chatting/emails/yahoo text and other forms of online mediums to keep the affair afloat-secretly of course! They saw each other a handful of time in the course of several years till the last year of their relationships, he decided to move to her state so they can be together finally. He sacrificed all his savings and assets for the move. After living in the same state for about 10 months, his ex still was living with her long time boyfriend and never got the courage to end her relationship to be with my AS boyfriend. Fast forward 10 month, my boyfriend decided to move back home and broken hearted. He explained to me that his ex was suppose to be faithful to him during the time they lived in the same state but she never was as he found out via spying on her. He was never able to pick up on the lies and deception since he has Asperger's. I've tried to help him forgive but it has been almost 4 years since they have broken up althought they have made several attempt to get back together but the trust was destroyed. She was his first and I feel he is missing out on life not only with me but potential ex and future mate. He is very bitter!

What should I do? and please excuse my grammar as English is a second Language for me.

I have a feeling he thinks there is hope between the two of them it's just because of his ex having a child with her husband. Please help not sure how to handle this 'curse' let along trying to understand and except his Asperger disorder. Not sure if it's all a illusion and obsession , I think!

Thank you all



Subjekt_9
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30 Mar 2015, 7:31 pm

6 Years ago I ended a 2 year serious relationship with a girl who lied to me, manipulated me, stole from me, and cheated on me. She got pregnant by the second guy she was with the last two months we were together but I didn't know because she was often staying at her "friends" house because she felt I was too paranoid and didn't trust her enough :roll:

And 6 years later I'm STILL bitter about it. I haven't been in a relationship since then. I don't know if you're guy will ever get over it to be perfectly honest. One thing I read about Aspies is that we are incredibly loyal to those we give our hearts to and its extremely hard to let go once you've given them your soul. Not saying I love my ex by any means, but still....the sour thoughts are always there.

What makes him think there is still hope between the two of them? There is NONE from what I've read and it does seem he's throwing his life away for this girl. I think he needs to sit down and write out a list of all the bad things she's done to him and how it made him feel.

Honestly, if you've been with him for a year and he's still hung up on her, maybe its time to walk away from the relationship until he gets it all sorted out. He might not realize what he had with you until he doesn't have you. We always seem to appreciate the things in our lives a little bit more when we suddenly don't have them.... Good luck girl



will@rd
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30 Mar 2015, 7:52 pm

You need to walk away from this drama.

There is no way of knowing how long it will take him to let go, it could still be several years before it's out of his system, and on some level it never will be. He will be able to move on eventually, but not while you're hovering around, putting pressure on him by waiting for something to happen. He has to come to terms with this on his own. You cannot help him, nor can you spare him any pain. He's going to have to hit bottom before he lets go and swims for the surface. Get on with your life.

Maybe you'll run into each other sometime down the road, after all the dust has settled, maybe not, but right now you have to step away and let the natural healing process take its course, and he can't begin to heal, until he stops picking at the wound. Sadly, it sounds like he's still got some more heartbreak ahead of him. Sometimes we Aspergians have to learn a painful lesson multiple times before we accept the fact that there are simply things we cannot control.

I'm sorry, I know that isn't what you want to hear, but its the advice of tragic personal experience.


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Noel123
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Joined: 30 Mar 2015
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30 Mar 2015, 8:25 pm

Hello everyone.

I am new here and is a bit at a lost. I thought I can post my issue on here as Ive always been the type to never post anything personal online. Help from an AS man or females with past or similar experiences is much needed!

I have been dating an AS man for almost a year now and I have to say, it has been the most stressful relationship I've ever endured. My question is how long does it take for an aspie man to let go of his past? My boyfriend was dating this girl who had a kid by someone else and she was involved at the time. He knew about it but still were both able to keep a long distant emotional affair since they lived in two different states. They have used video chatting/emails/yahoo text and other forms of online mediums to keep the affair afloat-secretly of course! They saw each other a handful of times in the course of several years till the last year of their relationships; he decided to move to her state so they can be together finally. He sacrificed all his savings and assets for the move. After living in the same state for about 10 months, his ex still was living with her long time boyfriend and never got the courage to end her relationship to be with my AS boyfriend. Fast forward 10 month, my boyfriend decided to move back home and broken hearted. He explained to me that his ex was suppose to be faithful to him during the time they lived in the same state but she never was as he found out via spying on her. He was never able to pick up on the lies and deception since he has Asperger. I've tried to help him forgive but it has been almost 4 years since they have broken up althought they have made several attempt to get back together but the trust was destroyed. She was his first and I feel he is missing out on life not only with me but potential ex and future mates. He is very bitter!

What should I do? and please excuse my grammar as English is a second Language for me.

I have a feeling he thinks there is hope between the two of them it's just because of his ex having a child with her husband. Please help not sure how to handle this 'curse' let along trying to understand and eccept his Asperger disorder. Not sure if it's all a illusion and/or obsession , I think since it's an affair.

Thank you all[/quote]



Noel123
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30 Mar 2015, 8:32 pm

Thank you guys.. We have spoken about her from time to time but I feel like I'm pressuring him so I don't say much since he gets upset due to Asperger. What do you mean by" an aspie is loyal once he receives your soul"? Can you clarify it a bit. Thanks so much



aspiemike
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31 Mar 2015, 12:07 am

Perhaps you can make it clear how you feel and say to him that you wish to never speak about this ex with him again. Of course, I say that because my gf has said that to me about my past situations with one girl I got involved with who was cheating on their bf with me as well and lied constantly about how she "felt".
I did get the beginning of some closure the night my gf and I met and before we started dating as we met at a meetup. I did bump into some people that knew the cheater that night. It probably also helped knowing that one of the cheater's friends told me she felt that the cheater was unreliable and didn't know what the hell she wanted anyway. Closure started with knowing that the cheater was never going to change any bad habits, even for new friends she would meet.


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em_tsuj
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01 Apr 2015, 10:30 pm

I can't speak for all men with AS. I can only speak as a person who has had some relationships. I could not fully give myself to a relationship until I grieved the previous relationship. When I was younger, I didn't understand the grieving process. Being self-centered, I just found a "replacement" person, hoping that would make me feel better. Now I fully grieve each relationship before considering dating. I don't want to be unfair to my present partner by still holding on to the past. Is there someone in my past who I still have feelings for? Yeah. Once I love someone, I always love them, but I also have found peace with the fact that me and my past partners can't be together. Whatever we had in the past is over with. Now things are different. My opinion on your situation is that your boyfriend is not going to fully be yours until he gets over his ex. I don't really know what you can do to speed up the process. I think you should focus on how his fixation on his ex is affecting you and on whether or not you are willing to tolerate it long-term.



Noel123
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02 Apr 2015, 2:00 am

Thank you :(