Anxiety + Five Nights at Freddy's

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I'm sorry that I think I'm going to write a lot, and it may be confusing...but I feel like I have to talk or type so bear with me thx.

It all started last year September when I moved out from the house where I lived with my mom and her boyfriend. I was getting sick of mom's bf and I had to move out. My mom and I rented a basement where we live together. I felt happier at first that I didn't have to see him again. But then, things started going a little bad. My friend and I began to fall apart. We weren't talking together as much because she has all these new friends and new projects and that really hurt me and made me feel lonely. Then I kept getting more and more isolated from the rest of my friends, and feeling generally isolated from the world. I felt very depressed and couldn't find enjoyment in anything I used to do. I found motivation difficult and extremely stressful to do school work, but it didn't seriously affect me yet. In the springtime I felt a little better and generally more cheerful. I started watching fun vids on Youtube again. Then I watched this game theory video about the backstory of the popular Five Nights at Freddy's game, and it was so incredibly creepy.

I don't normally get any strong reactions with horror videos/games, but for some reason, this one "triggered" something in me. I started having trouble falling asleep and going to the washroom alone (night and day) and an intense fear of darkness. Literally I had almost no sleep for two days straight, my heart pounding at night, getting these awful headaches but I simply could not sleep. I keep thinking back to the video and the "lore" surrounding Freddy's in general because I was stupid and decided to search up more about the game, hoping it might make me more desensitized to what I knew. I had not been sleeping straight through a night without waking up for the past week. I keep thinking back to the game, the story of the game, utterly unable to utilize any strategies I used before to cope with horror games--such as turning the light on, distracting myself with other fun stuff, or telling myself it's just a game/video, because they don't work anymore. Last night was kind of bad because finally it seems my body's had enough with this fear and started to vomit. After throwing up I felt better but a few minutes later my stomach's back to churning. I threw up so much that I literally started throwing up a clear fluid in substitute of bile, but the churning didn't go away. I am so afraid, and I don't know why. But even when I'm not thinking about Freddy's at all, my stomach would still churn and my heart will feel heavy as if I'm still scared. NOTHING will make it go away, not even stomach medicine.

I am still really scared. I keep thinking back to the game and I don't know what I can do to ease the fear permanently. I tried breathing in/out deeply, I tried taking a warm shower, I prayed, I tried to desensitize my emotions, worst of all I tried talking to my PARENTS, and NONE of them are working for a long time. My fear comes back to me pretty periodically almost like a prolonged, less severe panic attack. It's making me paranoid, and when I'm not paranoid, it's making me feel bleak--like there's nothing to live on for anymore, nothing that can save me. I don't know what to do anymore. I went to the physician's and he said there's nothing wrong with my body, so I can assume it's a psychological thing, but I'm so scared. It literally feels like a Hell or nightmare where you can't get out, 24/7. When you think the fear is gone, it comes back to haunt you. I'm not getting anything like hallucinations, but the fact that I can't stop thinking about this thing is bad enough. It makes me feel utterly powerless and hopeless, like something is controlling your life and there's nothing you can do about it.

I'm guessing why learning about Freddy's scares me so much is because of the depression I have been experiencing around winter. I took a few depression tests and my psychiatrist did say I am suffering from a mild depression. When I encounter something that parallels a traumatizing experience, the fact that I cannot talk much about it (because of my aspie brain I find it difficult to talk about my feelings), the fact that I no longer find enjoyment in things I used to like doing, the fact that I've been feeling isolated, and that I don't see anything in my future that will make me happy makes the typical coping mechanisms less effective because how do you deal with such intense fear when you have nothing to cling onto that'll help stabilize your emotions? But anyway, I literally don't know what to do anymore to help me distract myself. Everywhere I turn into is a dead end. I'm still so incredibly frightened, and I don't know what I can do to KEEP GOING. I'm starting to feel envious of every person who can get through the night straight on without waking up, or anyone who wakes up and look around and can boast of the feeling of "feeling alive". I don't know what to do anymore...

I can't really empathize with this as my usual reaction to scary games is either very lame or nonexistent. It is just a game. No malfunctioning automaton is gonna climb through your bedroom window and eat you. The best way to cope with it would be to realize that it is not real. If you have a bad dream about it, try to control the dream and see yourself as a brute with inhuman strength that tears one of the robots apart with his bare hands or that the screaming in the game is just the robots being afraid of you.

This might cheer you up, at about 4 minute mark comes a FDAF parody: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8rS1UYYiytw