Break Ups

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It's over, the break up was a few months ago, a lot happened etc. It's time to move on with my life.

Got any moving forward 'Dos and Don'ts' to share from past experience?

Delete the person's contact information, be cordial if you happen to run into them and say nothing bad about them to anyone ego isn't one of your three closest friends.

Go about your life. Your relationship has ended, the sky hasn't fallen, the world continued to spin on its axis and you've now got actual tangible evidence that being dumped is survivable.

Thanks, it's good to know that you survived, and that the world continued to spin on its axis. I'm having a similar experience

Just do the stuff that you're interested in.

Think about the good things that happened with him, and what you've learned (for you have learned something).

Make Personal Autonomy your greatest goal, while remaining a amiable human being full of Amity.

Keep moving, whether it's by being busy with work, social life or exercise. The endorphins from exercise really help.
If you want to make changes to yourself this is a good time.
For most people completely cutting off the ex is the best option, in my case I'm still friends with half of them so it's not impossible, but a prolonged absence is necessary first.
I don't recommend rebounds.
I recommend waiting until you're mostly indifferent about your ex before starting a new relationship.
Don't feel you need to rush and get over them ASAP, let it happen organically. You know you're healing correctly when neutral acceptance comprises a large part of your outlook on the matter.
Don't withdraw. This here is the worst thing you can do.

Yes, needing personal autonomy is the reason all of this started.


This is a great list, thank you.

DO try to distract yourself as much as possible with interests that require mental effort and/or concentration.

DO spend as much time socializing with your friends and family.

Do NOT keep any photos of this person, contact information, or communication records with them. This will only make the sense of loss even greater and might compel you to try to get them back or even stalk them.

Do NOT try to make contact with them or accept an offer of friendship for the time being. If they try to reach out to you as a friend, push them away gently by telling them that you aren't ready to open the lines of communication.

Do NOT go out looking for a new partner until you no longer feel any longing for your ex! A new person isn't going to be an actual replacement since the new partner is totally different and you might lose this new person if you dump your baggage in their lap.

And of course, DO NOT stalk your ex!! ! That is a big one because not only will it put you at risk of getting in trouble with the law and having a criminal record along with a restraining order/no-contact order, but it will forever tarnish your reputation.


TRY not to obsess about them! If you find yourself obsessing about them then follow the first DO to the best of your ability and if that doesn't work, seek counseling and psychiatric therapy.




It's actually better to be neither cordial nor hostile if you run into them. Just walk away and ignore them completely if they try to talk to you or communicate with you electronically.

Thanks for your list. I think I'm doing most of these things the right way so far, but perhaps obsessing a bit too much about stuff that happened. Its good to read other peoples practical strategies for break ups. ...Lol.

The fastest way to get over a girl is to find another girl. Like Taylor Swift, I heard she's available. You might be the perfect guy she's looking for. Just don't break up with her or her new #1 single will be Screw You Amity

Sometimes you write funny posts, that was one of them...

Don't contact them and don't respond to their efforts to contact you.

I think this is one of the things that is making moving forward more complicated. At the present there are practical reasons for being in contact (limited), once those are resolved, being in touch with eachother wont be an issue.

The expected answers, as always. I'm gonna be more frank with it.

First, you need to consider that a break up is a failure that you are partly responsible for. This is true even if your ex initially appeared to be the worlds best person and then turned out to be a complete jerk, because then your partner selection process is way off. As with any failure, you need to analyse it so you can avoid doing the same mistakes over and over again.

Second, you need to consider if there was consensus that the best thing was to break up (and then I mean before one of you tried to convince the other one about it). If there wasn't any consensus, this means that you have failed to communicate your level of attachment to each others, and that one of you have hurt the other one. You need to consider this especially when you analyse what went wrong. For instance, if you are a player, you better select other players to play your silly games with.

Third, if you feel a need to ghost, or your ex is stalking you, you need to understand that you are partly responsible for this by failing #2. If this happens to you repeatedly, then you need to consider that stalking is not always innocent, and that you might get seriously hurt if you repeatedly trigger this response in your partners.

Forth, if you are ghosted, or want to stalk your ex, then you need to work on your attachment style. Try not to get too attached to your partners, or at least make sure they are just as attached as you are.

Oh yes indeed, it takes two and I made lots of mistakes. Irrespective of his actions, I agree with being accountable for the decisions I made.

What happened was very complicated, a long story. To simplify he was a good man, but neither of us coped well with the abnormally prolonged difficult circumstances we found ourselves in. We grew apart, but stuck together out of respect for vows taken, promises made etc, resentment followed, it became a toxic relationship for both of us and I moved to a different country. No games.

Stalking/ghosting is and will not be an issue, but again I agree with accountability and nevertheless I do need to work on the issues that have influenced my attachment style.
Thanks for a thoughtful response.

No, NO, and No!! !!


When a breakup happens and there is no chance or desire of getting back together, the WORST thing you can do is overanalyze what went wrong and make yourself feel needlessly guilty. The guilt can compel you to trying to get back together with your ex to make it up to them when they've already moved on and you'll have the additional pain of rejection. Feeling guilt only renders you powerless and that's the last thing you want in a time like this.





Here's another item for my do-not list:

DO NOT obsess about what went wrong or beat yourself up for any mistakes you made! Whatever your shortcomings, it's water under the bridge now. Guilt over irreversible actions will wreak havoc on your self-esteem and that will decrease your chances of both attracting a new partner and having a healthy-er relationship in the future. Things like this are meant to be accepted, even if they're not completely understood.

Lazar, I interpret what Rdos said as areas for personal growth. How can you learn from mistakes made, if you don't stop to think about them?
I decided to stay in a marriage for the wrong reasons. To me at the time they were good reasons to stay ...get through the difficulties we experienced together, but it was a harmful situation for my health and well being. I could, but I don't apportion blame, I made the decision to value a promise I made over my health; that was a messed up priority. I own that decision, I'm responsible for that choice, I'm not some victim. If I don't acknowledge it, and learn from it, then in all likelihood I could make that same mistake again. I'm not loosing anymore of my time to bad decisions, once was enough.

I don't feel guilt because I analyze the mistakes. I gave it my best shot and have no regrets about that, it did not work, I don't know of any other couple that experienced what we did.
I regret that I did not make better decisions, I was experiencing health issues which impacted on my perception of events, my corrective action for this is to work on my health, to invest in it and value my well being and hopefully make better decisions in the future.