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Amity
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24 Apr 2015, 3:23 pm

Lazar, I interpret what Rdos said as areas for personal growth. How can you learn from mistakes made, if you don't stop to think about them?
I decided to stay in a marriage for the wrong reasons. To me at the time they were good reasons to stay ...get through the difficulties we experienced together, but it was a harmful situation for my health and well being. I could, but I don't apportion blame, I made the decision to value a promise I made over my health; that was a messed up priority. I own that decision, I'm responsible for that choice, I'm not some victim. If I don't acknowledge it, and learn from it, then in all likelihood I could make that same mistake again. I'm not loosing anymore of my time to bad decisions, once was enough.

I don't feel guilt because I analyze the mistakes. I gave it my best shot and have no regrets about that, it did not work, I don't know of any other couple that experienced what we did.
I regret that I did not make better decisions, I was experiencing health issues which impacted on my perception of events, my corrective action for this is to work on my health, to invest in it and value my well being and hopefully make better decisions in the future.



rdos
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24 Apr 2015, 3:38 pm

Amity wrote:
Lazar, I interpret what Rdos said as areas for personal growth. How can you learn from mistakes made, if you don't stop to think about them?


Exactly. In today's crazy dating game we are supposed to date 100s of people until we happen to find a "match", and when it goes wrong we can simply ignore it all and think it was not our fault. Never mind if we hurt people, we are entitled to that.

Amity wrote:
I decided to stay in a marriage for the wrong reasons. To me at the time they were good reasons to stay ...get through the difficulties we experienced together, but it was a harmful situation for my health and well being. I could, but I don't apportion blame, I made the decision to value a promise I made over my health; that was a messed up priority. I own that decision, I'm responsible for that choice, I'm not some victim. If I don't acknowledge it, and learn from it, then in all likelihood I could make that same mistake again. I'm not loosing anymore of my time to bad decisions, once was enough.

I don't feel guilt because I analyze the mistakes. I gave it my best shot and have no regrets about that, it did not work, I don't know of any other couple that experienced what we did.
I regret that I did not make better decisions, I was experiencing health issues which impacted on my perception of events, my corrective action for this is to work on my health, to invest in it and value my well being and hopefully make better decisions in the future.


Compliments to you for that. Well done.



rdos
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24 Apr 2015, 3:43 pm

Lazar_Kaganovich wrote:
When a breakup happens and there is no chance or desire of getting back together, the WORST thing you can do is overanalyze what went wrong and make yourself feel needlessly guilty. The guilt can compel you to trying to get back together with your ex to make it up to them when they've already moved on and you'll have the additional pain of rejection. Feeling guilt only renders you powerless and that's the last thing you want in a time like this.


I wrote nothing about guilt. I wrote that you need to acknowledge that a breakup is a failure, and that you need to figure out why it went wrong. That does not mean you need to feel guilt, or that you need to get back together. It just means you need to evaluate why your relationship failed so you can do better the next time. If you think this is not necessary, then you are likely a gamer that never commits to anything, and then you shouldn't be dating anybody.

Lazar_Kaganovich wrote:
DO NOT obsess about what went wrong or beat yourself up for any mistakes you made! Whatever your shortcomings, it's water under the bridge now. Guilt over irreversible actions will wreak havoc on your self-esteem and that will decrease your chances of both attracting a new partner and having a healthy-er relationship in the future. Things like this are meant to be accepted, even if they're not completely understood.


You won't be building a good self-esteem by ignoring why your relationships fail, because unless you do something about that they will continue to fail.



kraftiekortie
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24 Apr 2015, 5:14 pm

I don't find that "guilt" is frequently applicable when "mistakes" are made.

As long as you didn't bankrupt the guy, cause physical harm to him, or cause him to lose his job, you didn't do anything worthy of "guilt."

We all make mistakes. We have to live despite making mistakes. Mistakes, I repeat, are inevitable. One has to learn from mistakes, without having the mistakes rule one's life and threaten success in the future.



Lazar_Kaganovich
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24 Apr 2015, 8:08 pm

kraftiekortie wrote:
I don't find that "guilt" is frequently applicable when "mistakes" are made.

As long as you didn't bankrupt the guy, cause physical harm to him, or cause him to lose his job, you didn't do anything worthy of "guilt."

We all make mistakes. We have to live despite making mistakes. Mistakes, I repeat, are inevitable. One has to learn from mistakes, without having the mistakes rule one's life and threaten success in the future.


We're only human!.....We're SUPPOSED to make mistakes!



Amity
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25 Apr 2015, 4:02 am

Lazar_Kaganovich wrote:
kraftiekortie wrote:
I don't find that "guilt" is frequently applicable when "mistakes" are made.

As long as you didn't bankrupt the guy, cause physical harm to him, or cause him to lose his job, you didn't do anything worthy of "guilt."

We all make mistakes. We have to live despite making mistakes. Mistakes, I repeat, are inevitable. One has to learn from mistakes, without having the mistakes rule one's life and threaten success in the future.


We're only human!.....We're SUPPOSED to make mistakes!


Mr Joel is right, now where is that second wind...