Long, confused post about AS girlfriend.

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Agemaki
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25 Apr 2015, 4:14 am

Oh I think I can understand. She likes spending time around you but it is also stressful because it is an interruption of her routine and a source of over-stimulation. I'm guessing that spending time around you is an interruption to what she is used to and even if she isn't fully aware of it, the changing situation can be stressful and emotionally draining. An ASD-familiar relationship counselor might help the two of you to work out a routine. Having a predictable routine when you are together might help her to feel more at ease so that she can focus more energy on your relationship. Depending on your living arrangements, if you have a safe space that can be just hers when she visits you it might help her to feel like she can get away and relax. I know that when I am around friends too long or stay with other people I really miss having my own controlled space.

I haven't read them myself but the two of you might consider reading books like Aspergirls and 22 Things a Woman With Asperger's Syndrome Wants Her Partner to Know.

Sorry if I seemed like I was too encouraging of you to throw in the towel earlier. I really hope that things can work out for you two.



androbot01
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25 Apr 2015, 10:36 am

BP10 wrote:
...to be honest, I don't think she can pin point why she feels like this.

Yeah, it can take me weeks if not longer to figure out my feelings.

Quote:
Androbot. do you have any advice on how to handle things. I can see she needs time and space, especially as her life is currently busy and stressful, but when away from me she is distressed because she is away from me.

This will calm down as a routine becomes established.



BP10
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26 Apr 2015, 10:57 am

Agemaki and Androbot, Thanks, that is reassuring to hear. Especially as this means we can hopefully find a routine and ways round these problems. Which we are currently trying to do.

At least we are finally listening and talking instead of reacting to each other.

I've already read those two books. I will do so again to refresh memory and engrain things into me.

I really appreciate the help I've had from you guys. I have been trying hard to understand and having things confirmed makes it easier. Easier to accept too.



em_tsuj
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28 Apr 2015, 2:30 am

I hope things work out between you. I have had nothing but these types of relationships. I think things can work for you two if both of you are committed to working through these issues. Her insecurities something you have absolutely no control over. It is something she has to work through on her own. Perhaps seek couples counseling to get a handle on this push-pull dynamic and find a way for both of you get your needs met in the relationship and adjust expectations when needed. I don't think your partner's behavior is due to AS. I think it has to do with her being insecure and being uncomfortable with intimacy. The reason I think it is not caused by AS, is because none of the women I have dated had AS. I am attracted to women who are the opposite of AS. They had the same types of patterns as your girlfriend.



League_Girl
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29 Apr 2015, 2:25 am

It sounds like things are not working for you and I would just move on. I know that would hurt me and I have had an ex not talk to me and it hurt so much. It would have been less hurtful if he just told me he didn't want contact with me and didn't wish to be friends and he did so many hurtful things and I think going silent on someone without saying anything is the worst. At least she was honest and upfront about it. It also sounds like she has unsecured issues and she has things that need to be worked out before she can enter a relationship.

Reading the rest of the replies, you could let her do her routine while you are there and let her be alone so that way she can have both and it won't be as overwhelming. You are there but it will also seem like you aren't there if you know what I mean. Perhaps she can work her way having you in her routine. I used to talk to my ex on the phone every night until the battery went dead and I put that in my routine.


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Son: Diagnosed w/anxiety and ADHD. Also academic delayed.

Daughter: NT, no diagnoses.