Aspies and being abused and taken advantage of..

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simplyme1971
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19 May 2015, 7:24 am

Are we more likely to be taken advantage of and/or used/abused in "intimate" relationships or marriage? The only things I could find on the internet highlighted how abusive we can be towards others. It makes sense to me bc I dont see other people's motivations and agendas, I take people at face value. Anyone have insight here? Thanks in advance.



BirdInFlight
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19 May 2015, 7:44 am

Oh yes, I think it's all too common for people on the spectrum to be taken advantage of and abused in the form of being lied to, manipulated, easily mis-led, self esteem attacked and lowered, outright abused, or even subtly gaslighted (when someone passive aggressively makes you feel like you're the crazy one, the one in the wrong, etc).

Though not everyone is the same, it can often be a common trait among many, to be trusting and believe others have the best motives, simply because we ourselves usually do and find it hard to imagine that another person may not be that same way (possibly part of the poor "theory of mind").

I too tend to take people at face value. Having been seriously "burned" by doing that over my lifetime, I strive to know better but it's actually a struggle not to keep doing that and be more wary and suspecting the worst. I do manage to be aware of "the worst" that can happen and avoid most bad situations, but I do think the naive trusting is still a default setting I have to keep overriding, unfortunately.



simplyme1971
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19 May 2015, 8:26 am

Thank you for responding. Even if just one other person can say this is their experience, I find it validating for mine :-)



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19 May 2015, 8:45 am

Yes, I'm afraid this does tend to happen - not to all Aspies but to a significant number. But I don't think the best reaction is to become suspicious. On the contrary, it's better to set a good example of how to behave.

It's better to be trusting and kind and to be disappointed occasionally, than to be suspicious and proved right.



BirdInFlight
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19 May 2015, 8:52 am

Well, there's healthy "suspicion" where you have no choice but to be walking in a bad area after dark and you need to be aware of who's around you rather than walking along oblivious, for example.

And there's suspicious as in just having a healthy awareness that someone may not always be telling the truth in ways that may affect you such as financially, etc, in the case of a marriage or similar when money is disappearing.

Being "suspicious" instead of completely trusting isn't always a bad thing, especially for those of us on the spectrum whose trusting nature has indeed turned out to get us some bad consequences particularly when trusting a relationship situation.

Best advice -- always ascertain and verify. If you don't want to call it "being suspicious" then just think of it as verifying things for your own safety.



MollyTroubletail
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19 May 2015, 9:02 am

Although I've been in some relationships that turned abusive, it seems to me that it is my abusive partners who lost control and went bonkers (attacked me, hurt themselves, attempted suicide, attempted vandalism). I maintained control at all times and simply kicked them the f**k out or, in one case, called the police and the abusing partner went to jail. It's in your best interest to familiarize yourself with your local laws regarding tenancy, and what constitutes assault or any other illegal behaviour.

Just keep in mind that the person who owns the house (or the person who's on the lease) is the one who gets to kick the other person out. There is an inherent power imbalance in that, and you can use it to your advantage to avoid being made homeless at someone else's whim whenever they get mad at you.

Also keep in mind that, for some reason having to do with a "best-behaviour honeymoon period", NT's will not show their true personality for a few months starting in a new relationship. They will be on their best behaviour while trying to impress you with what a nice person they are. But they can't keep up the pretense, and their abusive or self-destructive tendencies will begin showing up within four to six months of knowing you. Use this to your advantage by taking any new relationship s-l-o-w-l-y and give it four to six months before setting up living together, buying anything jointly, getting a pet, or anything else which may go wrong if their true colours are unacceptable to you.



BirdInFlight
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19 May 2015, 9:18 am

I knew someone for 33 years, thought I knew I could trust him, moved in with him -- and his true colors showed in ways I never believed could happen. It's not always the fast, new relationships that turn out to be mistakes.



cberg
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19 May 2015, 5:48 pm

It's not just relationships either. In fact I've never dated anyone remotely like that. The only ones who've treated me this way are my immediate family. They keep wondering why I'm so averse to spending time at home, it's almost like a form of amnesia. :|


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sly279
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19 May 2015, 8:41 pm

probably but only to those who have something to take. I'm worthless so even abusive people avoid me.
I suspect any relationship I get will be abusive though.



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19 May 2015, 10:42 pm

sly279 wrote:
I'm worthless so even abusive people avoid me.


If you keep telling yourself that you're worthless, that's how other people will see you. If you want other people to stop seeing you as worthless and treating you that way, you have to stop telling yourself that you're worthless.


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cberg
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19 May 2015, 10:46 pm

^ That's a deterministic quandary. I've resolved to never treat anyone the way my parents did each other and I've seen amazing reconciliation and broadened my own perceptions as a result.


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sly279
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20 May 2015, 4:13 pm

AutumnSylver wrote:
sly279 wrote:
I'm worthless so even abusive people avoid me.


If you keep telling yourself that you're worthless, that's how other people will see you. If you want other people to stop seeing you as worthless and treating you that way, you have to stop telling yourself that you're worthless.



if you stop kicking yourself magically the others who kick you will too?

no you can think you're a god and people will still treat you like s**t.
people don't' care what others think of themselves. it doesn't' factor into how they'll treat us.

or I wouldn't' think this way as I use to think I was pretty good catch, until I tried to date.



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20 May 2015, 4:25 pm

BirdInFlight wrote:
Oh yes, I think it's all too common for people on the spectrum to be taken advantage of and abused in the form of being lied to, manipulated, easily mis-led, self esteem attacked and lowered, outright abused, or even subtly gaslighted (when someone passive aggressively makes you feel like you're the crazy one, the one in the wrong, etc).

Though not everyone is the same, it can often be a common trait among many, to be trusting and believe others have the best motives, simply because we ourselves usually do and find it hard to imagine that another person may not be that same way (possibly part of the poor "theory of m too tend to take people at face value. Having been seriously "burned" by doing that over my lifetime, I strive to know better but it's actually a struggle not to keep doing that and be more wary and suspecting the worst. I do manage to be aware of "the worst" that can happen and avoid most bad situations, but I do think the naive trusting is still a default setting I have to keep overriding, unfortunately.

Yes, unfortunately things like that happen. It seriously affected my mental health, I started believing that I was crazy, weak and a bad person. My substance abuse issues got worse as a result, and since being intoxicated all the damn time made me less aware, it was even easier to manipulate me. It angers me that people could be so heartless.



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24 May 2015, 12:00 pm

I was with an aspie and he turned out to be abusive. Things were great at first and he seemed lovely and I don't think he was putting on an act, I just think I didn't know him that well and once we were living together, I saw it more and more. He never beat me or threatened me or broke anything or call me names like b***h, whore and saying "You are so stupid." People don't always represent themselves the way they do which is why you have to be careful and take what the person says as a grain of salt. Be with them and then form your own opinion about their personality and their behavior and how they treat you. My ex thought I changed but I also thought the same about him. I pointed out to him I didn't change, he just got to know more about me and if he had looked at all my things I had in my home, he would see all the childish stuff in my home and what dishes I have and books and games and video games and movies. He decided I was too immature and he thought I was more like a teen when we met. But yeah his behavior changed towards me and thank goodness I was not with him long. I could relate to some abuse stories I read like thinking I was crazy and the wrong one I often felt I needed to start recording all our conversations so I can show him this is what he said and I never said this so I would know I am not going crazy and having all these false memories or being made out to be I am lying and twisting what he says. I had no idea he was doing was called emotional manipulation where they play head games and make you feel like you are crazy and you doubt yourself and question yourself. But because he told me he doesn't lie and he is honest, I thought what he was saying was true so I didn't think he would do these things to me. Then I wondered why it only happened in that relationship and why wasn't I having the same problem with my husband or why didn't I have it with my first ex. Then I come across emotional manipulation online and it was a ah ha moment. I was naive, vulnerable, no wonder his ex left him and why she was playing games in court with him and why she cheated on him and why she tried to claim their son wasn't his and why she wanted to keep full custody of him and keep her daughters away from him and not talk to him and not let her son talk to him while she has him and why they would meet in a parking lot when it was time for his son to go to him for the week and for the summer for one month. Why she cheated instead of leaving I don't know. But then she left him finally and sometimes I do wonder if she was treated the same way I was treated. I was in a abusive relationship and didn't even realize it until long after we were not together and I was still engaged to my husband then and it took me a while to accept it was all abuse.

It's funny when people will say you have changed but really you have always been the same. You both just get to know each other ore and sometimes we can put up with something and then we can't anymore because we realize it's not going to stop unless we say something about it. But isn't that what you are supposed to do in a relationship? If your partner is doing something that bothers you, speak up. Don't just sit back and tolerate it and suffer in silence and the other person as no clue what you are going through and then you blow up at them all of a sudden and that is not good. The other person may say "You changed." My husband thought I did too because I decided to start telling him I didn't like to be touched when I realized he would keep on doing it and it wasn't temporary and I can put up with something for so long before I start making a big deal about it.

I think everyone changes to a degree.


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