The "Exclusive" Talk in Relationships: Ability vs. Intent

Page 1 of 1 [ 7 posts ] 

Aspie1
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 7 Mar 2005
Gender: Male
Posts: 6,749
Location: United States

19 May 2015, 4:42 pm

I'm sure the thread title is nothing new. All couples, both NT and aspie, have had to have the "exclusive" talk at some point. That means where both people agree to only be intimate and spend time with each other, and not other people. (This doesn't include open relationships, which are beyond the scope of this thread.) Having the "exclusive" talk is necessary to ensure faithfulness and commitment. Because nearly all women and more than half of men almost never trouble finding a relationship, a date, or a one-time sex partner.

However, what about nearly all aspie men and a decent number of aspie women? They're the ones who do have trouble finding romantic partners. And aspie men are usually lucky to have more than one woman at a time show real interest in them. Also, aspies in general tend to be loyal to a fault, which can be an asset in relationships. So for them, dating/relationships are usually exclusive by default right at the beginning. In fact, when I tried to find a girlfriend in my late teens, I used that as my selling point, after hearing that "all" women want exclusive commitment. But without the social proofing of being desirable in general (regardless of whether or not I acted on it), my target women didn't desire me, either.

On with the questions. Is the "exclusive" talk really necessary when being in a relationship with a aspie man, considering that his chances of having another woman desire him are virtually nonexistent? To be fair, I suppose the same is true for some aspie women, but I can only speak from an aspie man's perspective. Or is the "exclusive" talk still necessary, strictly for honesty's sake and as a precaution?

TL;DR version:
"Ability" refers to an aspie being unable find anyone to desire them other than who they're with.
"Intent" refers to an aspie making a choice not to be with anyone other than who they're with.
So, when the exclusive talk (or lack thereof) takes place, is it really necessary for aspies, in the light of the above?



MollyTroubletail
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 21 Oct 2010
Age: 54
Gender: Female
Posts: 1,185
Location: Canada

19 May 2015, 5:17 pm

As an Aspie woman I still have trouble finding relationships. The men I do find always ask me if I'll be exclusive to them and I happily agree to it, not that there was ever any real choice. Still it seems to put their insecurities to rest and I don't mind them asking.



screen_name
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 1 Oct 2013
Age: 41
Gender: Female
Posts: 1,315

19 May 2015, 5:23 pm

Well, the communication of exclusivity is for both people. The other person can't possibly know that you have no other options.

A word of caution: I once had a man say something to the effect of "I have no other options besides you" to that talk. It sucked to hear that. Please don't says that! --even if you think it's completely true. It will communicate: "I'd like to find someone else, but I've had to settle for you because no one else wants me". --which hurts to hear.

So, yes, I would say the talk is still necessary. An your notion of "ability" should be completely left out of the conversation. Only talk about intent.


_________________
So you know who just said that:
I am female, I am married
I have two children (one AS and one NT)
I have been diagnosed with Aspergers and MERLD
I have significant chronic medical conditions as well


Cartier
Tufted Titmouse
Tufted Titmouse

User avatar

Joined: 5 May 2015
Posts: 41

19 May 2015, 6:17 pm

The exclusive talk is important to me because, well, it just is. As there are no "official" dating rules, I operate on the assumption that unless dating exclusively has been explicitly discussed and agreed to by both parties.

I'm honest and upfront about it because I find it creepy and inappropriate when a guy I've only been on a few dates with calls me his girlfriend or flips out because I'm seeing other guys.



nick007
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 4 May 2010
Age: 41
Gender: Male
Posts: 27,059
Location: was Louisiana but now Vermont in the police state called USA

19 May 2015, 7:49 pm

I think the talk is important for the Aspie so they can feel more confident there both on the same page with the relationship. It's also important for the partner because they may not know how loyal we can be or what options we have.


_________________
"I don't have an anger problem, I have an idiot problem!"
~King Of The Hill


"Hear all, trust nothing"
~Ferengi Rule Of Acquisition #190
https://memory-alpha.fandom.com/wiki/Ru ... cquisition


Aspie1
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 7 Mar 2005
Gender: Male
Posts: 6,749
Location: United States

19 May 2015, 10:05 pm

screen_name wrote:
A word of caution: I once had a man say something to the effect of "I have no other options besides you" to that talk. It sucked to hear that. Please don't says that! --even if you think it's completely true. It will communicate: "I'd like to find someone else, but I've had to settle for you because no one else wants me". --which hurts to hear..

Well, I already know not to say that. Silly me took it literally when I heard in the media (teenage sitcoms, magazines, etc.) that "all women wants exclusive commitment". What I didn't realize is that they want it from an strong alpha male who could have sexual sex with hundreds of women if he so desired, but is choosing to stay with one woman exclusively (intent). They don't want it from a beta male who has no options but to be exclusive with the first woman who said yes (ability).

Perhaps due to lacking insight into a woman's mind (I refuse to use the word "empathy"), I always thought what the "exclusive" talk would be redundant with my girlfriend. After all, it's not like anyone else would want me, let alone someone more attractive than her. But I now realize that the talk is to address her concerns about my commitment level. After all, she's under the impression that it's intent on my part, and not ability (or lack thereof).



justkillingtime
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 12 Aug 2011
Gender: Female
Posts: 3,892
Location: Washington, D.C.

24 May 2015, 11:00 pm

I kind of like Sheldon Cooper's 31-page Relationship Agreement on Big Bang Theory TV show. I don't like ambiguity :mrgreen:


_________________
Impermanence.