Do you think love must be something that 'naturally' occur?

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Love must be something that naturally occurs
Yes 38%  38%  [ 6 ]
No 50%  50%  [ 8 ]
Other (please explain) 13%  13%  [ 2 ]
Unsure 0%  0%  [ 0 ]
Total votes : 16

Outrider
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20 May 2015, 7:29 am

Is love something that must be 'natural'?

By this I mean, meeting someone who you naturally have 'chemistry' with and have a 'natural' connection with. Someone who is compatible with you from the beginning and you have to put little effort into being able to talk to them and be happy with them.

There seems to be the belief by society that you do not find love, love finds you. That you only apparently get it once you stop looking.

And that if you are looking, you are only going after the 'wrong' people and the 'right person' will come into your life when you least expect it.

Do you think this is pure rubbish or agree with it?

What is so bad about initiating things and getting to know another person and agreeing to a relationship even if the feelings were one-sided in the beginning or they both did not have a 'natural' connection but simply enough interest to try a relationship and things turned out successful.

Older aspies, what are your experiences with this? Has the person you're apparently supposed to be 'naturally compatible' with ever been in your life at all?



UnturnedStone
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20 May 2015, 11:17 pm

From personal experience, The moment I met my current GF / begun getting to know each other, It really did feel more right than anything I had experienced previously. I was less anxious around her, I felt almost at home in her company. I was very drawn to her, I couldn't stop thinking about her. I just wanted to be around her and this isn't normal behavior for me. On our 2nd meeting she admitted she had very strong feelings for me, that she didn't understand and I admitted I felt the same way.

7 months later, all is amazing and to be honest I can't really pinpoint why my feelings for her are so strong, they just are. We do share some interests but also have our own, we can disagree but don't fight.



AngelRho
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23 May 2015, 5:48 pm

Outrider wrote:
Is love something that must be 'natural'?

By this I mean, meeting someone who you naturally have 'chemistry' with and have a 'natural' connection with. Someone who is compatible with you from the beginning and you have to put little effort into being able to talk to them and be happy with them.

There seems to be the belief by society that you do not find love, love finds you. That you only apparently get it once you stop looking.

And that if you are looking, you are only going after the 'wrong' people and the 'right person' will come into your life when you least expect it.

Do you think this is pure rubbish or agree with it?

What is so bad about initiating things and getting to know another person and agreeing to a relationship even if the feelings were one-sided in the beginning or they both did not have a 'natural' connection but simply enough interest to try a relationship and things turned out successful.

Older aspies, what are your experiences with this? Has the person you're apparently supposed to be 'naturally compatible' with ever been in your life at all?

Well…you've seen me write about this kind of thing at length. I'll spare you that here. But I will say that no, it's not absolutely imperative that it be a "natural" thing. You CAN take the initiative and try to gain the kind of influence over someone to the end that you have your feelings returned.

My feelings on this are simply that I don't believe you're going to get as strong a relationship as you might if you become part of someone's life (and she yours), you get to know each other over time (and you might get to know a LOT of people, and I mean BOTH of you), and you reach a point that you're spending most of your time together. I believe if your partner can't be your friend, you don't have a substantial relationship.

If you want to manipulate people into being friends and lovers, you don't need a PUA manual. All that stuff is based on time-tested strategies going back thousands of years. Just read the Bible, Art of War, 48 Laws of Power, and something like 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. There's nothing new under the sun. Understanding those things is key to "forcing" a relationship with someone.

My issue with that is if you have to "force" it, you're being disingenuous. Sooner or later, you have to give that act up. You'll be exposed for the fake you are and the relationship will end. Instead, concentrate on building casual relationships with those you already spend the most time with, track who it is you spend more time with anyone else, and answer some hard questions regarding "chemistry" and reciprocation. You're going to have stronger relationships with people you've seen when they didn't know you were watching.

In my own experience, my wife and I kinda got thrown together and bonded over just having come out of abusive relationships. We really hadn't imagined our relationship going much past having a little fling, and we didn't plan on spending so much time together. What happened was her ex became violent towards ME. He made it personal. I ended up in a situation in which my life was in danger, and all I could think of at the time was that if he killed me, then AT LEAST I'd know she'd never go back to him. And that started this weird on-again/off-again relationship, and we've been married for almost 10 years. We figured it was just stupid being best friends and not staying together.

I understand it's not like that for everyone. I mean…good grief, I wouldn't wish what we've been through on anyone. I just think having the special kind of relationship, primarily as good friends, has really made all the difference.



yellowtamarin
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25 May 2015, 3:11 am

UnturnedStone wrote:
From personal experience, The moment I met my current GF / begun getting to know each other, It really did feel more right than anything I had experienced previously. I was less anxious around her, I felt almost at home in her company. I was very drawn to her, I couldn't stop thinking about her. I just wanted to be around her and this isn't normal behavior for me. On our 2nd meeting she admitted she had very strong feelings for me, that she didn't understand and I admitted I felt the same way.

This is pretty much my story too. I've been in love one other time and the connection didn't happen as quickly, but the feeling of "I really want to see this person again" was there from the start, even though I wasn't sure what it was that I was attracted to and didn't know if it was a romantic attraction until a number of dates in. We are talking weeks here though, not months or years, before I understood the feelings.

Also, I looked for both of these people (online dating). So love has never come to me when I wasn't looking.



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25 May 2015, 5:07 am

Maybe I should rephrase the question to be more specific:

Is love something that can ONLY happen once you BE YOURSELF, and STOP LOOKING FOR LOVE?

Can it really not happen by seeking potential dates out, but only by meeting someone in a chance encounter and just happening to have an instant connection with this person?

Will love just naturally and spontaneously occur in your life if you just live your life not worrying about it?



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25 May 2015, 5:29 am

Being yourself is, I think, a pre-condition for love. Because if you're putting on some kind of act, then people will tend to see the person you're pretending to be and will be attracted to that, not to the real you. Which is is likely to be a recipe for disaster once they get to know you better.

Looking for love doesn't stop you from finding it, although it depends on what you mean by 'looking'. If it becomes a fixation and you're trying desperately to connect with virtually every girl/boy you meet, then you probably won't get anywhere and will put people off. But if you're looking in a more discreet way, paying attention to the subtle signs that people make, moving more gently and being patient, then I think you'll have more success. Easy to say, I know ...



rdos
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25 May 2015, 8:21 am

Outrider wrote:
Is love something that must be 'natural'?


Yes.

Outrider wrote:
By this I mean, meeting someone who you naturally have 'chemistry' with and have a 'natural' connection with. Someone who is compatible with you from the beginning and you have to put little effort into being able to talk to them and be happy with them.


I think those are separate issues. The chemistry must be there from the start, but getting any further could mean a lot of effort for various reasons (like both being shy, no mutual interest to start with).

Outrider wrote:
There seems to be the belief by society that you do not find love, love finds you. That you only apparently get it once you stop looking.


I don't think that is true.

Outrider wrote:
What is so bad about initiating things and getting to know another person and agreeing to a relationship even if the feelings were one-sided in the beginning or they both did not have a 'natural' connection but simply enough interest to try a relationship and things turned out successful.


Could work, but only if there is some kind of compatibility from the start. This can be part of a lot of effort to get anywhere.

Outrider wrote:
Older aspies, what are your experiences with this? Has the person you're apparently supposed to be 'naturally compatible' with ever been in your life at all?


I'd say that for all the girls I've had crushes on, there was some special chemistry in all cases. Sometimes it was really simple things that started it, but those simple things are unusual in the general population.

So, yes, I think I've met a few of these special people.



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25 May 2015, 10:11 am

I think the idea is rubbish.

I recommend this book. I talks specifically about this issue and reccends against ththe chemistry type foundations.

I read the book after I was dating the man I ultimately married, but I followed a similar path the book suggests.

I had a string of boyfriends that fell into that "chemistry" category...and all ended badly. They were all bad matches. I think the chemistry thing was nothing more than found each other physically attractive (well, one I think had powerful pheromones that attracted me...he's still a family friend...I avoid hugging him now).

Anyway, after the last "chemistry" relationship ended when the guy was a helpless drunk, I sat down with pen and paper.

I wrote out everything I wanted in a mate.

Then, I looked it over. And I noticed someone I already knew fit ALL of them. Problem was, I repeatedly rejected him as a lover, but we remained close as friends. The chemistry (for me) was *definitely* not there. It took a year or so for my mind to adjust to the idea of him as a partner. When it did, I told him, and we dated. After years, "chemistry" grew.







I've been married for over 10 years.


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GiantHockeyFan
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25 May 2015, 10:35 am

Love came naturally for me and it was amazing how much I found we had in common as time went on. Having said all that, if I did not embrace her and kiss her on the fourth date she might have assumed I was not into her.