I need to remind myself who I am sometimes

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LadyLuna
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20 May 2015, 11:00 am

I am female. In my 40s. Not diagnosed as a child. Not officially diagnosed.

Childhood was hard. Teen years were hard.

Now is ... better.

I have learned (very slowly) to compensate, to hide symptoms, to limit my exposure to things that bothered me.

I can pass for, well maybe not normal, but maybe quirky.

It is not that I do not have problems. It is that people are not aware of all the problems I have with things.

During this time I had no clue about AS. I would occasionally see something about children with autism. But it would always show people with really severe symptoms. And it would imply that people with autism have very low IQ. I did not identify with this at all.

But then I started to read things on the internet from people who identified as aspie or high functioning autistic. And a lot of it seemed like what I thought and felt. And I would think, this is it, this is who I am.

But then I forget or go into denial or something.

And then I go off looking for other unrelated solutions.

For example: My workplace went through a reorganization. During the process I started to fall apart, to become less functional. I went to a doctor who diagnosed me with depression and put me on meds. Never once during the diagnostic process did I say anything like "well I suspect I am an aspie/HFA and that is why this change is so hard for me." I think there may have been better solutions available if I acknowledged the why.



bearded1
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20 May 2015, 11:08 am

I read a book called the journal of best practices. It really helped in learning about what is going on with me. I identified with it a lot. I am 40 and diagnosed 6 months ago. In reference to the work situation I totally feel you on that. I do not like change at all and when things are all up in the air I start to fall apart. I have gone through many different meds and have found the only thing that is truly effective is therapy.



RoadRatt
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20 May 2015, 3:58 pm

Hey LadyLuna welcome. :sunny:


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20 May 2015, 4:53 pm

LadyLuna wrote:
But then I started to read things on the internet from people who identified as aspie or high functioning autistic. And a lot of it seemed like what I thought and felt. And I would think, this is it, this is who I am.

But then I forget or go into denial or something.

And then I go off looking for other unrelated solutions.


This was absolutely me, to a tee. I actually seriously considered that I may be on the spectrum for awhile but then I "forgot" about it or whatever it might be called for a year- when I thought "What the heck, if I get tested and proved wrong, then hey, at least I finally know whether or not this is what makes me different." But I actually was diagnosed with it, a year ago. So you are not the only one to do this :D


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20 May 2015, 8:42 pm

Welcome to Wrong Planet!


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21 May 2015, 3:34 am

welcome . . .


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LadyLuna
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21 May 2015, 8:56 am

Thanks everyone.

Right now I have decide to set aside all my "self help" books and help myself with stimming and just letting myself be me.

I am fairly functional but sometimes it feels like I feel stressed out all the time. Like even when I am reading a book or doing a hobby I often feel all tensed up. I could not understand the cause since this would happen on days where nothing particularly stressful seemed to happen. Going through self help books for answers I found a popular theory. When people experience really bad stuff, especially early in life, some times tension from that can stay with you. So I spent all this time and emotional energy trying to heal past hurts. And it suddenly dawns on me - it is not about past issues - it is about what is happening here and now. It is about dealing with stuff like sensory issues, sensory overload, changes, etc. And what I need is not more healing past hurts stuff. It is probably more stimming.

And maybe allowing myself to get more into my "special interests." I think I have held back a little bit from that a little bit. It is hard to explain. I feel like I have the potential to get really obsessed with something. And obsession seems to much like a mental illness, so I hold back.

I feel sometimes like I really need to maintain a tight control of how I act (and sometimes even how I think). Like if I did not, I would have a mental break down, or need to go to a mental institution or be so far out there I could not keep my job.

Maybe part of the tension is me holding back stuff that maybe does not need to be held back.

I need to create a balance, a better balance. I need to figure out how to be more me - more AS? - and still be functional.



HighLlama
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21 May 2015, 4:14 pm

LadyLuna wrote:
I am female. In my 40s. Not diagnosed as a child. Not officially diagnosed.

Childhood was hard. Teen years were hard.

Now is ... better.

I have learned (very slowly) to compensate, to hide symptoms, to limit my exposure to things that bothered me.

I can pass for, well maybe not normal, but maybe quirky.

It is not that I do not have problems. It is that people are not aware of all the problems I have with things.

During this time I had no clue about AS. I would occasionally see something about children with autism. But it would always show people with really severe symptoms. And it would imply that people with autism have very low IQ. I did not identify with this at all.

But then I started to read things on the internet from people who identified as aspie or high functioning autistic. And a lot of it seemed like what I thought and felt. And I would think, this is it, this is who I am.

But then I forget or go into denial or something.

And then I go off looking for other unrelated solutions.

For example: My workplace went through a reorganization. During the process I started to fall apart, to become less functional. I went to a doctor who diagnosed me with depression and put me on meds. Never once during the diagnostic process did I say anything like "well I suspect I am an aspie/HFA and that is why this change is so hard for me." I think there may have been better solutions available if I acknowledged the why.


This post really rings true to my experience. I'm male, 32, undiagnosed, but seeing a therapist now. He sees definite Asperger's traits, but thinks it would be hard for me to get a diagnosis since I can communicate well in session and my description of my daily experience doesn't quite match what he sees. But I've always liked psychology and studying how people think, so for me therapy is fun and I think that makes it easier to look NT. I also have an obsession with buildings and being in them, and so I find his room comfortable and amusing. Anyway, I was wondering if you ever felt trapped in being this social version of yourself that doesn't feel right, from having to adapt or "fake it" through life. In my head I used to hear the phrase, "Who are you?" a lot when doing things, like I was unsure of how to act, yet had to think quickly. Or analyze a decision I'd made quickly to fit in for work or a family gathering. I think now I'm getting closer to being myself again, but it feels like a long time since I've really been me since I was often made to feel ashamed for personal quirks/habits/behaviors.



MrBear
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25 May 2015, 9:23 pm

Welcome



BirdInFlight
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26 May 2015, 7:32 am

Hi and welcome -- and your post sounds just like me!

I'm diagnosed now eight months, and am now 53, but my whole life kind of went the way you describe. I also relate to that "in and out" sense of identity regarding the idea of being on the spectrum -- I think that is possibly very common for people who did not grow up aware of their place on the spectrum/grew up without a diagnosis, and who then either discover they fit the bill or get diagnosed, halfway through life.

It's like you live your whole life constantly being expected to be neurotypical, and expect that of yourself too despite the fact that you have all these behaviors and challenges that say otherwise -- except you don't even know what that "otherwise" even is. I too also used to believe that "autism" could only mean a certain severe degree of the condition. When I learned about the other end of the spectrum and how all the boxes "checked" with me, at first I was devastated.

I've come a long way from that, but I still have an uneven experience of identifying with this relatively new-to-me sense of who I am.

Stick around, you can make more sense of things here with us. :)