I Think I Need to Know.

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I'm 62 and have been considered odd/eccentric/various other things all my life.

Reading some of the threads here, there are a lot of other people like me, not diagnosed either until late in life, or at all, which is the case with me.

When I was 50 I left a career in insurance and started working as a TA for children in Mainstream School who have special Needs. It was while I was there someone said they thought I was Dyspraxic. For a while that satisfied me, it seemed to cover my difficulties but recently I seem to have been able to analyse my 'differences' more clearly. The Light Bulb Moment happened when I started reading House Rules. No I haven't finished it yet and neither have I been accused of murder but there are things in that book that made me think about the things I hide, from other people and also myself.

So, here is a list, not an exhaustive list because I hide things in the back of my mind, forget some of the things that bother me, until they pop up to bite me again. I'd be interested to know what others think.

I only learned to make eye contact with folk when I was in my 50s. I have to force myself to do it with people I don't know very well. Mostly I don't bother with family, I don't feel it necessary.

My head is over busy, it's never quiet. If I am not having a dialogue with myself, I might constantly repeat a phrase, like a mantra, or mostly, especially when walking, I count, over and over, usually up to 7. I hate that my head is never quiet.

If in a room and have nothing to do, I will count the wall surfaces, floor and ceiling, over and over.

If we are going somewhere in the car and my Husband takes an unexpected route, it nearly kills me, in the past I have made him stop, turn round and go the way I expected. After 30 years of marriage I can just about cope with that now but it still makes me want to smack him one. It can take me an hour or so to get over it.

Noises, oh god, noises! If I am in bed and can hear the quietest of noises, a humming, buzzing, dripping sound. I am out of bed trying to trace it. Once found, if it's an acceptable noise, like the fridge, I can cope. If it's not, like next door's answerphone beeping, I go into meltdown. Yes, I did actually tell them to get their son round daily when they were on holiday, to check it wasn't beeping and to play the messages, if it was .

I've several times gone out in a dressing gown, in the middle of the night, to find out where a distant burglar alarm is going off. Not that I can stop it but just so that I know where to channel my hatred.

I'm inappropriate, I say the things that everyone is thinking but no one is actually going to say. I notice people contradict my take on things a lot but I'm not wrong, I am just addressing the elephant in the room.

I take things very literally which over the years has led to awkward situations.

I'm clumsy, always crashing into doors, so much so, that I have had the handles removed from the doors in my house and replaced them with knobs, so my hands don't get caught in them as I walk by.

I am awkward in social situations. Don't say to me 'How are you',unless you really want to know. I've tried to teach myself to say I'm fine, it never works.. You ask, you will get the truth.

I have people who are friends but they don't like to see too much of me. I can understand why.

I have no volume control. I get told off for shouting if I am angry, yet I know I am not shouting. Shouting is different, so I will give a demonstration of just how loud my shouting is. Don't ever tell me to stop shouting, you won't like it.

Every day I tell myself, I know all the things I do that people don't like, so I will try not to do them. I forget within half an hour.

I swear when annoyed. I swear badly. It's like a safety release valve for my anger.

I don't know who I am. I used to think I was vain because I would stare at myself in the mirror. I've recently realised that it has nothing to do with vanity, it's that I am simply trying to understand who that person is. She can look quite calm, I can't see the all the busyness that is going on in her head. I sometimes wonder how I manage to do anything worthwhile when my brain is constantly sprinting hither and thither.

I hate change and I don't like my things moved, if they aren't in the right place I have a bit of a meltdown.

Relationships, I don't think I can discuss here but trust me, I'm not 'normal' in that department.

I could go on....and I usually do.



Do any of these things sound familiar to other Members of this forum?

I'm frightened to post this.

I just joined yesterday. Did my first post today. And I was really nervous to write my intro post too. I kept re-writing it and re-writing it in my notebook.

And I do feel like I am hiding things from other people. And sometimes from myself. And I get worked up about things that would not bother most people. So I try to pretend like it does not bother me. And then I think, why do I get stomach aches and muscles so tense they hurt. It is because stuff really is bothering me.

Noise gets to me too. Like I have a lady who sits next to me at work. And she talks on the phone. Pretty normal stuff, but it annoys me. And I take the bus. That is pretty bad sometimes.

And a noisy brain. I have that too. I think up stories. I have set of fictional character in mind. And I think about stuff, analyze it. I analyze characters in books and shows and sometimes ads. Or I think up craft projects.

Thanks for responding LadyLuna.

I first realised there was something wrong when I was 11. My parents bought a caravan on a farm in S. Wales, when I was 10. We spent the school holidays there. When we went the following year, I thought, this is the only place that knot of fear leaves my stomach, I can run in the fields, hear the birds, nothing to worry me and I don't have to mix with people.

I used to work next to a girl who would do a snorting, sniff, every minute or so. I really feared I would kill her. Thankfully I got promoted and moved to another office!

A lot of that sounds familiar to me. Volume control used to be a big issue for me.

Hey BCLulu welcome.

Absolutely, many aspects of your post resound with me, from needing to go the same/known route, to hearing everything (sound) issues. I'd encourage you to check out the forums here as it sounds like you share many common traits with members here.

With regard to the title of your post, are you considering going in for a professional diagnosis? (Just noticed it).

I don't know. I think I'm more frightened of being of being dismissed as a time waster than anything.

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