I'm so tired of being an outcast at work....

Page 2 of 2 [ 29 posts ]  Go to page Previous  1, 2

the-over-analyzed
Toucan
Toucan

User avatar

Joined: 15 Mar 2007
Gender: Male
Posts: 266
Location: United States

31 Mar 2007, 10:44 am

Hi. I have very similar problems at work. It's a real bear.

I'm not sure whether you have alot of things to do outside of work. Maybe if you had more relationships outside of work, then the work people wouldn't seem as important to you, and so there would be less to be nervous about? That's an aspect I want to work on for my own troubles. Maybe you could try that as well.



phenomenon
Pileated woodpecker
Pileated woodpecker

User avatar

Joined: 5 Apr 2007
Gender: Female
Posts: 196

07 Apr 2007, 10:40 pm

When I went to a psychologist (before Asperger's was even brought up) I was talking about my problems fitting in and he asked what I could be doing differently...but in all honesty, I can't relate to almost anyone I meet...so I don't necessarily WANT to fit in. I COULD change myself entirely if I wanted, most people could, but that defeats the purpose of even doing it anyway since you'd be faking to make friends to be happy, but if you're putting on a fake smile all the time and hanging out with people who don't interest you and people you don't necessarily WANT to be friends with, that's not really happiness either. What is the solution for this???



Kcihtred2
Sea Gull
Sea Gull

User avatar

Joined: 11 Apr 2007
Gender: Male
Posts: 217
Location: In my own little world

12 Apr 2007, 12:18 pm

try talking to your manager!



calandale
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 9 Mar 2007
Gender: Male
Posts: 12,439

12 Apr 2007, 4:07 pm

phenomenon wrote:
When I went to a psychologist (before Asperger's was even brought up) I was talking about my problems fitting in and he asked what I could be doing differently...but in all honesty, I can't relate to almost anyone I meet...so I don't necessarily WANT to fit in. I COULD change myself entirely if I wanted, most people could, but that defeats the purpose of even doing it anyway since you'd be faking to make friends to be happy, but if you're putting on a fake smile all the time and hanging out with people who don't interest you and people you don't necessarily WANT to be friends with, that's not really happiness either. What is the solution for this???


Exactly. The goal is not so much to just fit in, as to find the people with whom you would fit in. Still, I've found some compatabilities here and there with people who also seem to fit in better with others than I do, and sometimes it is impossible to find these people without some sort of contact over a bit of time. So, although one shouldn't necessarily seek to just 'fit in,' it is usually of some value to spend some time with others now and again, in the vain hope of finding someone who is capable of sharing enjoyment with you - I guess.



modioboy
Hummingbird
Hummingbird

User avatar

Joined: 8 Mar 2007
Gender: Male
Posts: 23

14 Apr 2007, 3:44 pm

when i was going to the office on a daily basis i was the one who would keep distance from my officemates because i avoid having conversations. i have a hard time understanding or maybe i am too slow to follow a conversation because it takes a while for me to process it, i avoid being literal to other people and not getting into trouble, not to mention i am not into gossips, parties and fashion trends. moreover, i have difficulties communicating verbally so i would go on without talking for the rest of the day. one day i have decided not to go to the office and have my work done at home instead. it went on for days until my boss finally gave me a special consideration and work arrangements. from then on i do my work at home and was kind of relieved of the anxieties.


_________________
just ASK the aXiS*


tomart
Snowy Owl
Snowy Owl

User avatar

Joined: 10 Apr 2007
Gender: Male
Posts: 127
Location: southern New Jersey

16 Apr 2007, 7:33 pm

MrWizard wrote:
Honestly? I think the whole thing is in your head. Your nervousness is probably making everyone else uncomfortable. Its my opinion that if you would calm down and forget about it, start enjoying your life and your lunch and your job, then over time you'll be good to go. Think about this: How long have you known these people, and how long have they known you? Now how long have they known each other?

Friendship is an active thing. You have to be a friend to make them, and no one will approach you if you aren't willing to approach others. In your case the approaching part is already taken care of. Rather than avoiding lunch with them every day and feeling miserable about "having to", just go to lunch with them and don't worry about it.

The key to solving your problem: Stop worrying about it.

My instantaneous feeling is to slam you as hard as I can. A lifetime of groping around, learning gradually by painful trial and error that YES, THERE IS SOMETHING WRONG WITH ME, and to trust the clues and cues I CAN pick up on, to try avoiding my embarrassment and others'...
ALL IN MY HEAD?????????? AAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh!! !! !! !! !! !!

Yes I know your casual, offhand advice "just go to lunch with them and don't worry about it" can sometimes work, with the right people and situation, but I feel you're dangerously close to denying there's a problem at all. It's like you've glossed over all the clues and exchanges and feelings she told you about, and you're putting yourself in the situation. Yes, you'd probably do fine! Honestly!

Forgive my rant. It's probably a big mistake [I didn't look into profiles or further in this thread] but your well-intentioned advice sounds like what NTs say. I have to go back to work (after a Godsent looooong vacation away from that pain) and my experience of the workplace, is while there are many good, understanding people there, it's overall soul-destroying poison to those of us who are different.



MsTriste
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 7 Dec 2005
Age: 60
Gender: Female
Posts: 3,307
Location: Not here

16 Apr 2007, 7:56 pm

MrWizard wrote:
Honestly? I think the whole thing is in your head. The key to solving your problem: Stop worrying about it.


Baloney. What's in his head is the same thing in every autistic's head - we have problems with social stuff. What he is experiencing is the NORM for us.

And you can't always fix things, especially if it's troubling and constant, like at work, just by deciding to stop worrying about it.



MsTriste
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 7 Dec 2005
Age: 60
Gender: Female
Posts: 3,307
Location: Not here

16 Apr 2007, 8:00 pm

tomart wrote:
My instantaneous feeling is to slam you as hard as I can. A lifetime of groping around, learning gradually by painful trial and error that YES, THERE IS SOMETHING WRONG WITH ME, and to trust the clues and cues I CAN pick up on, to try avoiding my embarrassment and others'...
ALL IN MY HEAD?????????? AAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh!! !! !! !! !! !!

Yes I know your casual, offhand advice "just go to lunch with them and don't worry about it" can sometimes work, with the right people and situation, but I feel you're dangerously close to denying there's a problem at all. It's like you've glossed over all the clues and exchanges and feelings she told you about, and you're putting yourself in the situation. Yes, you'd probably do fine! Honestly!

Forgive my rant. It's probably a big mistake [I didn't look into profiles or further in this thread] but your well-intentioned advice sounds like what NTs say. I have to go back to work (after a Godsent looooong vacation away from that pain) and my experience of the workplace, is while there are many good, understanding people there, it's overall soul-destroying poison to those of us who are different.

Welcome to WP, tomart. Excellent response. I applaud your bravery. I posted mine before I read yours :)
I had to go check his profile because his response sounded so 'NT' to me too. Oh well, it takes all kinds. Sorry to hear your work isn't going well.



tomart
Snowy Owl
Snowy Owl

User avatar

Joined: 10 Apr 2007
Gender: Male
Posts: 127
Location: southern New Jersey

16 Apr 2007, 9:28 pm

aylissa wrote:
Welcome to WP, tomart. Excellent response. I applaud your bravery. I posted mine before I read yours :)
I had to go check his profile because his response sounded so 'NT' to me too. Oh well, it takes all kinds. Sorry to hear your work isn't going well.

Thank you, aylissa. I did feel way out on a limb, and don't want to hurt feelings (nor be banned from a really good forum) but I had to say something.
Hope I'm welcome here; I'd hate to 'not fit in' in an Aspie site... :lol:



gobi
Blue Jay
Blue Jay

User avatar

Joined: 15 Feb 2007
Gender: Male
Posts: 98

17 Apr 2007, 10:35 am

aylissa wrote:
tomart wrote:
My instantaneous feeling is to slam you as hard as I can. A lifetime of groping around, learning gradually by painful trial and error that YES, THERE IS SOMETHING WRONG WITH ME, and to trust the clues and cues I CAN pick up on, to try avoiding my embarrassment and others'...
ALL IN MY HEAD?????????? AAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh!! !! !! !! !! !!

Yes I know your casual, offhand advice "just go to lunch with them and don't worry about it" can sometimes work, with the right people and situation, but I feel you're dangerously close to denying there's a problem at all. It's like you've glossed over all the clues and exchanges and feelings she told you about, and you're putting yourself in the situation. Yes, you'd probably do fine! Honestly!

Forgive my rant. It's probably a big mistake [I didn't look into profiles or further in this thread] but your well-intentioned advice sounds like what NTs say. I have to go back to work (after a Godsent looooong vacation away from that pain) and my experience of the workplace, is while there are many good, understanding people there, it's overall soul-destroying poison to those of us who are different.

Welcome to WP, tomart. Excellent response. I applaud your bravery. I posted mine before I read yours :)
I had to go check his profile because his response sounded so 'NT' to me too. Oh well, it takes all kinds. Sorry to hear your work isn't going well.


I'm glad I'm not the only one that felt this way. Having worked for years dealing with the same issues as the OP, advice that suggests that it's "all in my head" is simply wrong. Kudos to both of you!



tomart
Snowy Owl
Snowy Owl

User avatar

Joined: 10 Apr 2007
Gender: Male
Posts: 127
Location: southern New Jersey

17 Apr 2007, 9:34 pm

gobi wrote:
I'm glad I'm not the only one that felt this way. Having worked for years dealing with the same issues as the OP, advice that suggests that it's "all in my head" is simply wrong. Kudos to both of you!

Thanks gobi; I have no doubt he means well, but that's the kind of advice I've heard so much of, and believed, and was stung by.



beautifulspam
Deinonychus
Deinonychus

User avatar

Joined: 18 Apr 2007
Gender: Male
Posts: 324

01 May 2007, 3:26 pm

Quote:

Honestly? I think the whole thing is in your head. Your nervousness is probably making everyone else uncomfortable. Its my opinion that if you would calm down and forget about it, start enjoying your life and your lunch and your job, then over time you'll be good to go. Think about this: How long have you known these people, and how long have they known you? Now how long have they known each other?

Friendship is an active thing. You have to be a friend to make them, and no one will approach you if you aren't willing to approach others. In your case the approaching part is already taken care of. Rather than avoiding lunch with them every day and feeling miserable about "having to", just go to lunch with them and don't worry about it.

The key to solving your problem: Stop worrying about it.



MrWizard, you are asking us to fall back on social skills that by definition we do not possess and broadcast a positive vibe through some mysterious process that even NTs dont fully understand. This is like trying to explain red to a blind man.

How, please, do you go about "loosening up" when your default personality is taut, rigid and nonintuitive? How is this poor man to "go to lunch with them" if he hasn't been invited to go? Is he to invite himself so that everyone will feel uncomfortable and obligated to tolerate his presence?

Whenever someone points out, as you have re: the OP, that I never talk to anyone, I have to laugh and point out that no one ever talks to ME, either. Has it occurred to you taht the reason we do not talk to people or initiate social behavior with the natural ease of normal humans is that we have learned through slow, painful experience that most social interaction leads to hurt and humiliation. People reject us because we miss subtle social cues and project inappropriate body language, which makes NTs feel that there is something odd about us, though even they, intuitive, non-logical creatures, cannot not explain when asked why they feel this way.

MrWizard, most of us do not know HOW one goes about approaching another person socially in a way that won't scare him off. Nor do NTs know how this is done, they just do it naturally. To function normally, we have to learn through observation and analysis what others do without realizing they do it.

Your advice is vague and ignores the nature of our illness. If you want to help, please be more specific.



Last edited by beautifulspam on 01 May 2007, 9:34 pm, edited 1 time in total.

the-over-analyzed
Toucan
Toucan

User avatar

Joined: 15 Mar 2007
Gender: Male
Posts: 266
Location: United States

01 May 2007, 5:20 pm

word