Don't want to socialize, but solitude depresses you?

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Caveman
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20 Jan 2009, 8:00 am

I can really relate to this. I spend most of my time home by myself but every now & then feel as though I need to go out (usually a pub) in the hope of meeting people. But when I get there, no-one seems to want to talk to me & if there is an opportunity to start a conversation, I can't think of anything to say.

I look around the room & see all these people laughing & enjoying themselves. It makes me feel even worse than I did before. It makes me feel as though there is something seriously wrong with me. Usually I will go home extremely depressed (sometimes suicidal) & wish I hadn't ventured out that night. I might feel lonely at home by myself but often it is nothing compared to the loneliness I have felt in a crowded room.



Jenni
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20 Jan 2009, 3:50 pm

I joined Wrong planet because i wanted to be able to communicate with people more like my self.
When i read discussions on this forum i know what i'd like to say, but when it gets round to posting my thoughts i usually end up thinking it won't sound right so i don't post.
A lot of aspies on here have said they find communicating on this forum easier than talking in real life but i seem to find it just as hard :( .
It takes me ages to type out what i want to say or even just thinking what i'm going to say and usually i feel too stressed to bother.

I have similar problems in real life. While i can briefly talk to other people while walking my dog (only if they ask questions about the dog or move on to speaking about something i'm intrested in), i find it stressfull being around people and often try to avoid them. Sometimes i feel like i know what to say to people but when i actually speak to them i end up hardly saying anything and wanting to leave.



SamwiseGamgee
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20 Jan 2009, 4:08 pm

Caveman wrote:
I can really relate to this. I spend most of my time home by myself but every now & then feel as though I need to go out (usually a pub) in the hope of meeting people. But when I get there, no-one seems to want to talk to me & if there is an opportunity to start a conversation, I can't think of anything to say.

I look around the room & see all these people laughing & enjoying themselves. It makes me feel even worse than I did before. It makes me feel as though there is something seriously wrong with me. Usually I will go home extremely depressed (sometimes suicidal) & wish I hadn't ventured out that night. I might feel lonely at home by myself but often it is nothing compared to the loneliness I have felt in a crowded room.


I can totally relate to that. My friend invited me to a bar once and while I usually say no, I was feeling pretty good and I talked myself into going and was actually proud of myself for going out with people. But then I got there and it was the most boring night ever. I'm not really a fan of alcohol to begin with, but drinking a little and then dancing with some friends can be fun sometimes. But the people I went with just sat at a table and drank and talked. Of course I have no idea what they were talking about because I couldn't hear over the music... Went home really depressed especially since I had gotten myself so excited that I was finally socializing. So I completely understand that last line you wrote.



Loborojo
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20 Jan 2009, 10:41 pm

being in a foreign country doesn't help. To break the viscious circle of lonelyness and aloneness, I went swimming everyday. I met a few guys who invited me for a cup of coffee as soon as they found out I was a teacher and artist. I took theri phonenumber and never called them as they wished. Thinking: what will I talk about ? Why would I go to see them, I am not interested in peers...so far I haven't made a single friend in this city...


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ToughDiamond
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21 Jan 2009, 3:34 am

Loborojo wrote:
being in a foreign country doesn't help. To break the viscious circle of lonelyness and aloneness, I went swimming everyday. I met a few guys who invited me for a cup of coffee as soon as they found out I was a teacher and artist. I took theri phonenumber and never called them as they wished. Thinking: what will I talk about ? Why would I go to see them, I am not interested in peers...so far I haven't made a single friend in this city...

Seeking people out is a thing I hardly ever do. Too vulnerable that way I suppose. People probably think I'm not interested in them. No wonder I don't have many friends these days. The only ones who last are the ones who don't mind always being the one to invite me over. I should change it, but like eye contact, when I try, I can force it to work for a while, but then it just drifts back into obscurity again. :(



aarghapanda
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24 Jan 2009, 7:54 pm

The grass is always greener on the other side. When I'm alone I want to socialise and when I'm around people I want solitude. My girlfriend (of the ADD persuasion) is really good at sensing when I need cuddles etc and when I need 'Aspie time'. :D



mixtapebooty
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24 Jan 2009, 10:15 pm

That's a toughie. Sometimes the day just slips by before you know it's gone, and you haven't seen a soul. Getting out for a walk is helpful, being alone but active is good for piece of mind.



Tim_Tex
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25 Jan 2009, 11:40 pm

Sometimes I get this way as well.



Ford_Prefect
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26 Jan 2009, 12:18 pm

I want to socialize but socializing with people don't satisfy me. Sometimes I go to party with people which I know because I feel alone but expected satisfaction didn't come.
The easiest way how to find new friends is sharing interests with others but when I am doing some of my hobbies I don't feel any need to share it with anybody.


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Homer_Bob
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26 Jan 2009, 3:51 pm

Yeah, as time moves on, I start to feel more and more depressed as the days go by and I still never go out with anyone. When I was a younger teen, I stayed home every night and I didn't care. I was in my own world and enjoyed the videogame nights. However, now that I'm older, I've started to lose interest in videogames, I got a job and now that I deal with people more, I sometimes see people I'd like to be friends with but can't. I've seen those who I'd like to go out with but I just can't get myself to make anything happen. I'm afraid they might not like me in that way and they were only being nice to me. I really don't know. I can't read their cues that others seem to be able to do so easily.



asplanet
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26 Jan 2009, 4:46 pm

There are times I want to be like everyone else, get invited some where, just go and enjoy... but never happens, I over analyze, fuss, think and worry before I even get there. I had to go to a neighbors party and as usual was worrying about it all week, over preparing what to take , wear etc... always find it hard meeting lots of new people, awkward moments and hard to get out of going when next door... so nervous started breaking things before even got there and then drank far too much, as rarely drink these days for that very reason. If I am not in control I can kind of lose self, become very agitated, its like a duck out of water just does not work for long. Trying to be self in a NT alien world amusing to say the least. But I have found the more I believe in the aspie me and allow, I feel more at ease and even if I am a little quirky, different given up trying to be someone else, lost to many years already pretending...

I do find I need the outside contact or I start to cut myself off more and more, at times I wish I could but with children I have to be seen to be as normal as others expect a mother should be. This I find extremely hard at times, because it like out in the real world I can not be true self, but know for my children sake I need to and my older son is on the autism spectrum himself. Maybe once they grow up I will exclude myself more and find real happiness who knows... But I also know only too well about the dark pit, but my moods like my other symptoms I have learned to live with, when feeling very low this is often when I am most creative and like to back away from people, but when I feel good I can handle people so much more and in fact can enjoy going out then, as much as I understand self I know I will never totally fit in, so I will continue to be a global cyber-surf trotter and continue to help the world understand that we should be able to live in this world differently able, as I would not expect my NT child to live as an aspie!


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29 Jan 2009, 11:16 pm

I'm going through that right now. I only keep in contact with one of my old friends. I can't remember the last time I met and made a new friend and since I don't work I only socialize with peeps on the net or family. It sucks.

I feel like crap, because my family needs to have friends and to socialize. My husband makes cracks every now and again about me not having any friends. I know those close to you mean well and want to encourage, but they have no clue what it is like to have social anxiety hit you almost the moment you walk out the door to leave. And on the way you practice every possible scenerio and try to tell yourself no one will notice you nervousness or PA's if they occurr.

Sometimes I don't want to get out of bed in all honesty. Just getting real :?



ShadesOfMe
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30 Jan 2009, 2:12 am

The title of this thread describes me exactly. I hate socializing, and I have no interest in it, but i'm so lonely, and that depresses me.



orngjce223
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30 Jan 2009, 12:14 pm

The INFP forum people say the exact same thing!!

Maybe that's why I fit there so well even though I'm not strictly F...


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asplanet
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30 Jan 2009, 4:41 pm

orngjce223 wrote:
The INFP forum people say the exact same thing!!

Maybe that's why I fit there so well even though I'm not strictly F...


There were lots of labels and names before Aspergers was understand and still not understood by many yet!


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Faramir
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30 Jan 2009, 11:31 pm

Sometimes I go out walking in the city at night when I am alone. When I walk by a crowded bar, the noise and light comes pouring out. I am normally intimidated by all of it and don't dare walk in. Intellectually, I know that nobody will pay attention to me, but I am worried that the whole place will turn and look at me all alone.

One thing that works is to take my New Yorker magazine to the bar and sit and read and have a beer. Then I am closing them out!

Tonight I am lonely, but I am going to a late night coffee house. I'll be alone, but sort of in an academic sense, surrounded by other people. That can be nice.