Panicking about someone liking me.

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Aysmptotes
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08 Nov 2007, 2:23 am

Alright, I am fortunate enough to have a boyfriend for like a year now, but even before that I totally freaked out if I thought a guy liked me. Just freak out. And now someone who I have suspected to like me just sent me an email and I couldn't even finish reading it before I got panicked. I don't know does it mean something when they say "I really think you are an interesting person..." and blah blah blah and talk about meeting up and talking about communism. And it is nice to have a friend and all but one I am terrified of anyone who likes me and two I am dreading telling him I have a boyfriend and all the awkwardness and crap. I am just a mess and I have no idea what to do.



gwenevyn
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08 Nov 2007, 2:33 am

I've gotten the same way almost all my life. Those sorts of letters used to make me feel physically ill and panicked because I felt like I had to make sure that the guy didn't get hurt. It was only very recently that I figured out that it wasn't my responsibility to take special care of guys who fall for me or want my attention. You have no obligation to this boy beyond the courtesy that you show all of your friends. It's his job to take care of managing his own feelings. Just tell him the truth, flat out, and if he gives you grief or trouble, make yourself scarce for a bit.

Just my advice. I could very well be quite wrong.


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Aysmptotes
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08 Nov 2007, 3:45 am

gwenevyn wrote:
I've gotten the same way almost all my life. Those sorts of letters used to make me feel physically ill and panicked because I felt like I had to make sure that the guy didn't get hurt. It was only very recently that I figured out that it wasn't my responsibility to take special care of guys who fall for me or want my attention. You have no obligation to this boy beyond the courtesy that you show all of your friends. It's his job to take care of managing his own feelings. Just tell him the truth, flat out, and if he gives you grief or trouble, make yourself scarce for a bit.

Just my advice. I could very well be quite wrong.


Thanks for your advice. I am currently reaching out for things to do. I have settled on making this vegetable stir fry I have learne recently. I have started to make large quantities of it despite being hungry. I just have all this pent up nervous energy right now I can't sleep. Bleh

I know that you are right and that it is not my responsiblity for how someone feels towards me, but just the fact that someone is THINKING like that about me drives me crazy. He is really nice and cool but yeah I was really worried before and now my fears have come true and I have to figure out how to tell him without losing someone to talk to, if that is possible. I wonder if I should just act as if I passed of the email as friendly and casusally bring up my boyfriend in conversation? I have no idea, bleh, maybe I will just become a hermit for a while. Haha.



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08 Nov 2007, 4:04 am

gwenevyn wrote:
You have no obligation to this boy beyond the courtesy that you show all of your friends. It's his job to take care of managing his own feelings.


I think you are dead on.

I have noticed this in other aspies too - they feel responsible for the feelings of the opposite sex. Also, like attracts like, and the reason that these guys go through all the awkward pretense is because they equate displays of affection to hurting someone, and they don't want to hurt the feelings of a girl they like.

So, what you end up with is a few hours of stilted conversation followed by a sudden boob-lunge or kiss attempt, or (God help you) the Big Speech About How He Has Always Loved You.

It messes with your head, and it took me a long time to realize just what was going on.

I always thought that if a girl liked me I HAD to like her back. I could never break it off, not wanting to hurt her feelings. Having sex with someone you don't like, but feel obligated to is a crappy, dehumanizing situation. It is frustrating because you don't feel the way you are supposed to feel.


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Kurtz
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08 Nov 2007, 4:25 am

Aysmptotes wrote:
I wonder if I should just act as if I passed of the email as friendly and casusally bring up my boyfriend in conversation? I have no idea, bleh, maybe I will just become a hermit for a while. Haha.


From a male point of view, that would be a bad move. Subtlety is not in this person's lexicon. If you do that, he'll just start hating on himself, wondering why he effed up again.

What a man needs to hear to be rejected both gently and firmly is that you are flattered, but taken. Acknowledge that he has feelings for you, but make it plain they are not reciprocated. Yes, he will be disappointed, but ending up with a stalker is worse. I know its hard, but that is actually the path of the least cruelty. By not being up front, you are actually reinforcing his unwanted behaviour! If you are forthright, he will actually be relieved because at least he has closure. The hell is not knowing, right?

One more thing - you are freaking out for a good reason. There is no such thing as an illogical emotion. It may seem like a mystery to you, but you have certain "weird" emotions and thoughts as the logical end result of unpleasant events in the past. If you have been taught your whole life that 2+2=5, would you be crazy or simply mistaken?


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Cyanide
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08 Nov 2007, 4:56 am

Almost every guy just wants to be told straight forward that the girl they're after isn't interested. We don't like this random covert, snaking around "making sure feelings aren't hurt" thing. Just say "Sorry...I'm taken." and if he still tries to pursue you anyway, just directly say "I'm not interested."



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08 Nov 2007, 8:54 am

Cyanide wrote:
Almost every guy just wants to be told straight forward that the girl they're after isn't interested. We don't like this random covert, snaking around "making sure feelings aren't hurt" thing. Just say "Sorry...I'm taken." and if he still tries to pursue you anyway, just directly say "I'm not interested."


Well spoken!!
We just want to know wot's going on. Rejection doesn't kill us. Really now. We get used to it, and move on. It's far worse to get mixed messages, and guess whether you're interested or not.


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08 Nov 2007, 1:41 pm

I get that panicky feeling too, which I think is why I adore un-requited love cos its painful but not nearly as anxiety provoking as someone actually liking you...



Aysmptotes
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08 Nov 2007, 3:20 pm

Thankyou everyone. You all have helped me alot. Now it is off to meet my fate. Wish me luck!



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09 Nov 2007, 12:26 pm

Prof_Pretorius wrote:
Cyanide wrote:
Almost every guy just wants to be told straight forward that the girl they're after isn't interested. We don't like this random covert, snaking around "making sure feelings aren't hurt" thing. Just say "Sorry...I'm taken." and if he still tries to pursue you anyway, just directly say "I'm not interested."


Well spoken!!
We just want to know wot's going on. Rejection doesn't kill us. Really now. We get used to it, and move on. It's far worse to get mixed messages, and guess whether you're interested or not.


True. I say this as someone who for a long time all the girls I meet that I like are taken. It'sd better to know where you stand.


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09 Nov 2007, 12:43 pm

I would say this is an anxiety disorder/phobia possibly a specific social phobia unless I misunderstand your reasons. You can do CBT for those. It might involve you going though a similar scenario but less intense and building up from there, working on changing you thought pattern. Pretty practical stuff.

Rationally there is no reason why it has to be a problem if you’re not single. However you are being put on the spot, which can be scary. My friend was afraid of celebrating her birthday and doing any kind of physical activity in front of anyone. She now can do both and her general social anxiety has improved.



Aysmptotes
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09 Nov 2007, 11:54 pm

Yeah I do have social anxiety disorder. I am supposed to start rational behavior (or is it thought?) therapy. I have no idea what that is in comparison to CBT. But I will give it a shot.

I saw that person today, and didn't really get as far as I hoped. I will try to email him back later. If I write it it will give me more time to think about it than just saying something on the fly. Why does this have to be so troublesome?



0_equals_true
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10 Nov 2007, 9:28 am

Aysmptotes wrote:
Yeah I do have social anxiety disorder. I am supposed to start rational behavior (or is it thought?) therapy. I have no idea what that is in comparison to CBT. But I will give it a shot.

I saw that person today, and didn't really get as far as I hoped. I will try to email him back later. If I write it it will give me more time to think about it than just saying something on the fly. Why does this have to be so troublesome?

I might be rational emotive therapy which is an early form of CBT. In the 50-60s they had behavioural therapy, cognitive therapy and RET and they combined them in the 70s to form CBT, but crazy traditional Freudian psychotherapy was still much more favoured until recently. Though patterns are just part of it, an important part mind, but you need to work on behaviours.

I would recommend ->[url=http://www.amazon.co.uk/Overcoming-Social-Anxiety-Shyness-Self-help/dp/1845294432/ref=sr_1_5/203-6376521-8149542?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1194703846&sr=1-5
]this[/url]

I've read the 1999 edition so I expect this to be better. Although it is not specifically for Aspies, it is really good. Unlike other books it doesn’t use obscure analogies and understands that everyone is completely different. You will have to adapt it to you. She is well known and studies Social Anxiety in Cambridge University. Her program is probably second only to Dr Clark who does a program at the Maudsley Hospital London. That is a live research program so you have to apply to get on it and be able to get there. I think it is good idea to read this before you go to a CBT therapist so you will have some idea how CBT works. It only works if it is your ideas, with out that is not much good. So a CBT therapist is only going to be as good as they get that from them. If you are only seeing them for an hour once a week the work is not going to happen in the sessions. It is trough everyday life. You can use the CBT concept for ever, which is the beauty of learning it for yourself you are not time constrained. It is not rocket science. All it is about is gradually immersing yourself in the problem area, while challenging your negative thoughts by being more rational. If anyone could out argue themselves it is someone with ASD.