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kiki3
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17 Nov 2007, 11:39 am

I've been married for sixteen years, so this is no new revelation. It's just that some old wounds have been opened recently. My husband and I don't have a lot of contact with much of our family for religious reasons (theirs, not ours). Recently, though, it seemed that his parents were reaching out to him a little more, so I was all for going with him and the kids to visit. When we arrived at my in-laws' home, they were out getting groceries, so I had a few minutes to walk around and look at their new house. Immediately, I was struck by the fact that EVERY other grandchild is featured in their living room photos, EXCEPT my three children. (Ironically, my own mother's house is exactly the same way!) I had given my MIL several pictures of the kids, especially my youngest. At one point, she actually told me that she didn't really need anymore of my kids. What she REALLY needed were some more of her other son's children. :?: :?: :?: What kind of grandmother is that? One of the pictures I gave her was a very expensive collage of my youngest done in sepia tones. I even had it framed for her. It was nowhere to be seen. I did eventually find some old pictures of my first two children in a hallway, but none of my youngest.

All of this reminds me of the earlier years of our marriage. His family didn't "get" me right from the beginning. I was only a teenager when I was married. Having Asperger's (didn't know it at the time, of course) made me feel like the biggest outsider when I came into their family. I was shy, naive, and desperately lacking love. If they had shown me the tiniest ounce of decency, I would have warmed to them. Instead, they decided to fill in the blanks of my mysterious personality by gossiping to anyone who would listen. Big surprise -- that made me not want to be around them even more! After I started having children, though, I MADE myself socialize with them. When I came over to their house, though, I noticed a picture of my husband and me on a bookcase with a big flower set in front of my side of the picture, so that I wasn't visible. At first, I thought it must have been a mistake, so I moved it. Surprise! The next time I visited -- same thing! I moved it each time and it was always changed back to the original position. Of course, this had the intended effect of making me feel like gum on the bottom of someone's shoe.

This picture thing with my kids just makes me burn all over again. Before the end of our visit, my MIL wanted to show me some digital pictures she had been given of her other son's family vacation to Florida and Disney World. I politely sat for OVER AN HOUR while she clicked of each and every one of the poorly shot photos, even all the mind-numbing scenery pictures. Afterward, I asked if she ever got the link I sent her to our family's Disney trip, since she never mentioned it. She said she couldn't remember, so I clicked on the digital album and began to show her. She IMMEDIATELY became bored and sat back on the couch and closed her eyes. She would sigh and begrudgingly look when I pointed out specific shots. WHAT IN THE WORLD????? Sometimes, I feel like my life is some episode of the Twilight Zone!

Oh, and the mystery of the expensive picture was solved when my MIL opened her computer desk doors. The picture was taken out of the frame and shoved in the back of the top shelf of the cabinet, as if it were only something that needed to be stored, not displayed.

I feel like I TRY and TRY and TRY with people, but get less than nothing back in return. I'm used to being treated this way by my own parents, so at least it's familiar.



woodsman25
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17 Nov 2007, 12:20 pm

Jeeze, from what I understand MIL's are tough for some reason, and I really hope someday I find out why :) .

Anyways, not having pictures up of all the grandkids is pretty horrible, I certainly would take offence to that! Hell I probably woulda been quite inpolite about it. What does your husband think?
I would be ticked off if I was him I know that.

People have a hard time understanding if someone is different from them. I think maby they take your personaility, the way you may come off to them as an insult, like you dont like them. I have been their plenty of times in my life, and its depressing.

I think your MIL is not a nice women, and I think if they all dont like you for who you are then perhapse you should limit your contact with them, cause afterall they dont even have a picture up of your youngest, so if they are like that then what is the point of visiting and bringing the kids.

Thats horrible, im soo sorry for the situation you are in, 'families' can be very difficult, I myself have had a few minor problems myself, nothing like that tho. Perhapse you and your husband should sit down and talk about a possible course of action?


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kiki3
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17 Nov 2007, 3:32 pm

Thanks for your reply.

Sometimes, I wish I were the type of person who could just explode in anger and let people know when they're hurting me. I've never fought with anyone in my entire life, except my husband and children. Well, I suppose my brothers and I fought when we were kids. Oh, and I did finally yell at a stranger who was criticizing me once while I was shopping.

Ever since having the kids, I've always felt like I was nice and friendly to my in-laws -- not that I was ever mean to them. I just avoided them, because they gossiped about me. I could never figure out why they didn't seem to have much of an interest in my kids. When a new SIL came into the family, she had knock-down drag-outs (verbally) with them and is still on friendlier terms with them than I am. She told me that my MIL blames me for not being close to my children. She says that I "keep" them from her. I was so outraged when I heard that, because my husband and I were always the ones to initiate contact with the kids and their grandchildren. They never called to talk to them or tried to see them. I never once "kept" them from seeing them. Of course, I couldn't confront my MIL with this. You have to have a STRONG personality to go head-to-head with her in a shouting match. I just don't have it in me. Neither does my husband. He tells me to just keep being nice and be happy for whatever attention they do give the kids, which is almost nothing.

I think you're exactly right about people having a hard time understanding when others are different than them. I'm socially backward, so they take my inept attempt at socializing as a personal assault. I was disowned from my father for the same thing. My stepmother put all types of names to why she didn't like me (blamed me for things I didn't do), but it probably all just amounted to the fact that I made her uncomfortable. She couldn't figure me out, so she had to get rid of me. You'd like to think your own mother and father would love and accept you enough to stand up for you, but it's not that way for me.

I just want to cry when I think about what a complete and utter social failure I am. I try so hard with people! Sometimes, I imagine an omnipotent being watching my life and making people treat me horribly, just to see if he can FINALLY get me to stop being nice to them. Maybe he's waiting for me to completely lose it and want to rip someone's hair out or just start laughing maniacally. Don't worry, I'm not really a nut who would do it.

I just wish that I could make them understand that I AM trying. I guess it just all amounts to the fact that I can't be NT, as much as everyone wants me to be. They can either accept it or not. They all choose NOT. :cry:



Pandora
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18 Nov 2007, 4:53 am

I think your husband needs to be more supportive and stand up for you more against his mum. He's not doing anybody any favours by accepting the status quo. I'd also advise not sending any more pictures or links of the kids or reaching out any more. It's her loss if she is going to be nasty so don't keep giving and giving. Keep the nice pictures for your own place. She will never change unless something drastic happens so you need to protect yourself from getting hurt any more.


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