Aspies who have been called "a-hole"...

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cornflower
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07 Jan 2008, 5:09 am

If you've been called "a-hole", "jerk", "evil", etc. in the past, tell your stories. What do you think you did to make people want to call you names? What were your intentions when doing what you did?

I'm asking b/c so many people misunderstand AS behavior and reading this may help people to better understand that your intentions are not "evil".



TLPG
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07 Jan 2008, 6:02 am

Once my Wiki is back up (it's down at the moment) I'll give you some links!



MusicMaker1
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07 Jan 2008, 6:22 am

It just occurred to me, moments after reading your post, that I bet EVERYONE has been called an as*hole or Jerk for some reason or other at some point in their lives.-- NT's and Aspies alike.

Although, I imagine because of their lack of understanding or patience, people in general probably DO lash out more frequently at Aspies and probably DO yell as*hole, Jerk, etc.. out more often.... If it were a more obvious disability, like being blind or shaking with Parkinsons, or walking with a disfigurement (dragging a foot as in MS), etc.. people probably would refrain from yelling those cruel obscenities. I don't think people understand Asperger's and autism spectrum disorders in general -- holding us up to the same rules the NTs use. They don't understand that we have difficulty interpreting their rules or even recognizing them, not out of defiance or rudeness, but simply because of this almost invisible disability itself. I think that is why we are subjected to more cruelty than the average disabled person. They just don't understand us.. It's their ignorance and inability to understand that there are different types of people in the world who simply cannot be changed to be NT like themselves. We try to understand their world and do the best we can, they just don't understand...

If it were a blind person that trips, they don't get angry... but if it's an autistic who doesn't see a social cue, we receive alot of cruelty.. NT's can be trained by being yelled at... Unfortunately, the older an Aspie gets, the more impatient NTs get, as they don't understand why we haven't learned something yet.. They view it as some type of character defect that needs to be punished or they assume we have lived a privileged, sheltered life and need to be taught the "lessons of the real world" -- What they don't know is that we have suffered almost every day because of their misunderstanding of us and their subsequent cruelty. I don't think they have any idea how much sorrow and pain they cause... some of them may not even care at all anyway... It seems that the meanest and cruelest people on earth tend to pick on Aspies and others on the spectrum --



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07 Jan 2008, 6:36 am

It happens to me many times when I am trying to get to know a person. When I'm "socializing" I appear distant, and when a question is directed towards to me I tend to reply in very short responses. I'm also criticized for the words I use ("big words").

My jokes never come out the way I intend them, a fault I place on my lack of expression ( think about it, do you actually want to laugh at a joke that is given by a person who is laughing himself? I know I don't). Also, being that my jokes can tread on the side of what the politically correct may define as racist, homophobic, and other criteria...well, you get the picture.

My compliments are too honest: "Wow, that make-up actually makes you look pretty!"

When I give something I tend to give too much information as well: "I'm giving you these chocolates because I don't like them. That, and I ate all the good ones."

When I try to be considerate: "I don't think you'll fit in the back seat of my car."--said to an overweight person.


Ah, people.


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woodsman25
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07 Jan 2008, 7:39 am

All thru collage I lived in a dorm at least when I moved from home for 1.5 years. During this time I used my parents money to purchase a TV for the room and a fridge, the other occupant of the room never contributed anything like that. So I put up with him using my TV or PS2 and using my fridge, no big deal, but his friends would come in and use the PS2 so I feared games being stollen or their alcoholic drinks would get spilled on something of mine like my laptop and often they would be loud and leave their alarm going off when I got to sleep in. It just seemed like they were always thinking about them selfs, never considering the fact that I am the one paying for them to have a fridge, a TV a PS2 ect. I would get yelled at for using my computer when he was trying to sleep yet he was allowed to let his alarm go off at 6am every 8 minutes rather then turning off the snooze to be considerate of me who did not need to be up at that time. One day I had enough and brought it to his attention, I deserved more respect and consideration, I did not want drunken idiots over threatening to ruin my expencive stuff, I did not want my beer being stollen from my fridge and I wanted him to set his alarm to go off only once. When I became stern and told him how I felt I was automatically an ass-hole even tho I made more sacrafices for him to have a better life, I shaired my stuff, and he just decided what he wanted was more improtant then how I felt and when I said he was wrong I was the ass hole.

Also at work I am often the ass hole because sometimes I dont wanna interact with people, I wanna be left alone, i dont wanna be picked on, I dont wanna work with others, I dont wanna be bothered or harasses by a room full of people, I eather ignore, keep to myself or walk away, and I am the ass hole for doing this.

I dont know what it is about me, but I get the feeling when people meet me they expect to have my respect but dont have to give me their respect. I am expected to be flexible and make myself less compfortable so they can be more compfortable. I am expected to do more of the work so others can chit chat and relax. I am expected to take abuse and not threaten to quit if something happens, but if I dish out abuse I am wrong and if I want to quit because everyone is screwing with me or I am expected to work harder then everyone else and not chill in the office like others I am an ass hole.


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Wilco
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07 Jan 2008, 7:58 am

there was one girl who called me a scammer one day, apologized the next, called me a scammer again a week later, and apologized again 2 weeks later 8O (I dont talk to her anymore thank god)



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07 Jan 2008, 8:09 am

woodsman25 wrote:
When I became stern and told him how I felt I was automatically an ass-hole even tho I made more sacrafices for him to have a better life, I shaired my stuff, and he just decided what he wanted was more improtant then how I felt and when I said he was wrong I was the ass hole.


You are right - he's being selfish and you have done a great thing standing up for yourself. He took what you provided for granted and in his mind you denied him what he felt was his right.

I myself have never been called an a-hole, but I have been, by many girls I've tried to get close to, compared to an 8 year old. One girl even went as far as to say "I feel like I'm babysitting a child when we hang out." What's worse, they left it until they could bear it no longer to tell me and broke off any and all contact with me.

At least my current girlfriend sees me through the problems I have. Her family has even taken it upon themselves to teach me the things I need to know. They're much more supportive than even my own family.


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07 Jan 2008, 8:31 am

I'm glad I found this thread. It might help me feel a little better right now. MusicMaker, you put alot of what I was thinking. I met some great NTs, sure, but alot of others just don't get it.

Anyway, even though I wasn't called an Ahole right off, I was treated like one by a dad of mine on rare occasions. Mind you, this guy is very AS himself, and denies having any sort of these traits. Sometimes he thinks someone else is mean to him when they aren't. The two of us have had some hanous verbal fights in the past, and he started most of them.

I think his reasons for it are control reasons, and ones that AS doesn't have anything to do with really. I am going to keep him miles part from me from now on, because he is the nicest gentleman, being miles away.

Besides this, people often get offended when I answer the phone, nothing more. My mother got all offended this morning, despite knowing I have AS, repeat other people's tones of voice, ect.. I'm so tired of being punished out of nowhere.



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07 Jan 2008, 8:43 am

woodsman25 wrote:

Also at work I am often the ass hole because sometimes I dont wanna interact with people, I wanna be left alone, i dont wanna be picked on, I dont wanna work with others, I dont wanna be bothered or harasses by a room full of people, I eather ignore, keep to myself or walk away, and I am the ass hole for doing this.

I dont know what it is about me, but I get the feeling when people meet me they expect to have my respect but dont have to give me their respect. I am expected to be flexible and make myself less compfortable so they can be more compfortable. I am expected to do more of the work so others can chit chat and relax. I am expected to take abuse and not threaten to quit if something happens, but if I dish out abuse I am wrong and if I want to quit because everyone is screwing with me or I am expected to work harder then everyone else and not chill in the office like others I am an ass hole.


Yeah, right on it. That's precisely my problem with making friends.



Sifr
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07 Jan 2008, 8:49 am

LiendaBalla, I am like that a lot with my family. I can't act out with other people but when it's my family, and I feel insulted or I've had enough, I will begin to "scream" out. It makes me feel bad because of my religious views (respect for family) but it's like a "defend-self" trigger is pushed.

The last argument I had with my family was about something that was unimportant, but for some reason important to me. Solicitors came to our house to, well, solicit our business. I told them that my brother has yet to arrive, to come back later. They arrive hours later, at night. My brother, again, was out. I had him on the phone and said "Some people are here for you." He replies "Uhh, I think I'll be there in 10-15 minutes."

The people leave after I tell them how long it'll take. My brother arrives in 4-5 minutes and I just got a fit because of it. I don't know what happened but I found it completely unacceptable that he came that early and that he dismissed the people (he said he noted people walking away). We argued for about half an hour and left it pretty much unsettled.

My father, ugh...don't get me started on the kinds of arguments we have.


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07 Jan 2008, 10:03 am

ppl used 2 call me paki,f**k off u bastard, dickhead.



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07 Jan 2008, 10:29 am

Sifr wrote:

My compliments are too honest: "Wow, that make-up actually makes you look pretty!"

When I give something I tend to give too much information as well: "I'm giving you these chocolates because I don't like them. That, and I ate all the good ones."

When I try to be considerate: "I don't think you'll fit in the back seat of my car."--said to an overweight person.


Ah, people.
What would happen if someone were as brutally honest to you in the same manner as you are to them? Would you perceive as hurtful or rude? Just wondering.



deadeyexx
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07 Jan 2008, 10:45 am

Absolutely.

If someone doesn't like you, and you have enough backbone to stand up to them; you're pretty much an as*hole in thier eyes. It's that simple.

as*hole and proud of it.



Sifr
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07 Jan 2008, 2:27 pm

merr wrote:
Sifr wrote:

My compliments are too honest: "Wow, that make-up actually makes you look pretty!"

When I give something I tend to give too much information as well: "I'm giving you these chocolates because I don't like them. That, and I ate all the good ones."

When I try to be considerate: "I don't think you'll fit in the back seat of my car."--said to an overweight person.


Ah, people.
What would happen if someone were as brutally honest to you in the same manner as you are to them? Would you perceive as hurtful or rude? Just wondering.


I don't expect people to be "brutally" honest with me, and I'd probably contest such criticism even if its in my favor. But to answer your question, if I ask a person, something like..."Does this sound good to you?" I would like the truth, and not something that may stroke my ego.

To be frank, I find the phrase "brutally honest" inept. Is there gentle honesty? Is not honesty honesty? I find it confusing when a person asks another to be honest, but not to be "too honest". It's very contradicting.


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merr
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07 Jan 2008, 5:39 pm

Simply put, the person wants you to be honest, but they dont want words that will hurt them or might make them lose self esteem, just like anyone else. Brutal honesty may be the truth, but it stings and sometimes is unnecessary. I've known (Nt) people who used that type of honesty and they walked away with people thinking they were assh*oles.

Brutal honesty can be gentle honesty with a simple rewording of the comment. I'll use the examples you gave

Instead of saying, "That make up actually makes you look pretty", which implies the girl is ugly without makeup, one can say, "That make up really brings out your eyes. You look pretty."

I dont know what to say to an overweight person in the back of the car. The best thing to do is to not say anything and just them ride there. Comments like that embarass and shame people and could send them into some sort of depressive state.

Yeah, it's good to give someone your honest opinion, but you dont want to leave them feeling like they can never ask you again (or be around you) without feeling like crap.



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07 Jan 2008, 8:34 pm

Pablo Picasso was never called an A**hole..;)

Not that I know of, except in traffic...;)