Does My Boyfriend Have Asperger's??

Page 1 of 2 [ 30 posts ]  Go to page 1, 2  Next

HowlingWolf
Butterfly
Butterfly

User avatar

Joined: 19 Oct 2007
Gender: Female
Posts: 13

28 Jan 2008, 12:56 pm

GrantZilla wrote: "Why is it that I'm constantly seeing women coming on here thinking their boyfriend has AS and have made a diagnoses themselves."

Well, since AS is only a recent diagnosis, I would think there would be a fair number of undiagnosed guys out there. As their intimate partner, a girlfriend is in a good position to notice when someone is a little bit different...To me, it's natural to want to know what's going on, especially if this is a person you're considering spending your life with.

GrantZilla wrote: "Let me ask you. What would him being diagnosed with AS do for you? It will not change him. Most people are not going to change their ways regardless, and if he does have AS, it's hardwired in.

I can say, if he can't communicate to your liking, it's not going to work, even if you love him. Communication is the key to any relationship. Some people can deal with it, some can't."

To me, this is not about changing him. It's about understanding him, just as I'd want him to try to understand me. To me, there's a vast difference between someone who doesn't always readily recognize what I need, and someone who sees what I need and choses to ignore it. In the first instance, it's not that my partner doesn't care, it's that he doesn't know. I can make myself more clear.

You are so right that communication is key, but if there are differences in communication, I think it's helpful to know about them. It's like the situation of one partner not being fluent in the other's language, or one partner having a hearing loss. If both partners know this is the case, they know they'll each have to work a little harder to communicate. If my partner has a hearing loss and I don't know about it, I can scream my head off when he's in the back room, all to no avail. Getting angry at him for not responding when he didn't even hear me. If I know about the hearing loss, I just walk down the hall to the back room and save us both a misunderstanding.

Just my thoughts. This topic is relevant in my life now, so I'd love to hear what other's think.



heyley
Butterfly
Butterfly

User avatar

Joined: 27 Jan 2008
Age: 40
Gender: Female
Posts: 14

28 Jan 2008, 3:03 pm

Thank you so much Howling Wolf! I had decided not to reply back to that response because I thought it wouldn't get me any where but explaining what I already know...I would just be defending myself and not actually getting anywhere....

But yes, you are truly right and that's exactly what I would have written. Communication IS the key to any relationship...and in order to communicate, you must have some understanding of the other person...it's all kind of cyclical...which comes first? either way, I need to understand that he isn't just forgetting, or not caring, and that way I won't get so mad at him. When he would never ask me something simple like "how are you?" I have been getting really hurt and frustrated because I think it means he doesn't care about me. I am beginning to realize that, even if it isn't aspergers that he has, it is something that is making him unable to do these simple things, nothing to do with him not caring. I asked him repeatedly to ask me questions sometimes, even simple things like "how was your day..." and he couldn't at first. He has started to, but it's like he asks and then doesn't know what to do next...no follow up. Or he will ask me really random things, and I can tell he is trying but doesn't know what to do. This is resulted in me spending several months wondering if he just doesn't care and want to get to know me, or if it is something more. I am pretty sure it is something more because I know how deeply he cares about me, and I can see him trying to get this right...but he just can't.

And, while I don't think he has had this much of a problem in his other relationships, as in I think they were more okay with it, or willing to overlook it (I actually wonder about the women he was with since they were okay with someone never being interested in them, and were okay spending so much time never actually getting intimate in a deep way--from the get go I knew it didn't feel right, but there is so much I love about him, that I kept making excuses for this) but I do know that his inability to communicate well eventually always came up and caused the relationship to end for various but related reasons.

Anyway, that's my situation...what are you having problems with Howling Wolf?



sands
Toucan
Toucan

User avatar

Joined: 2 Dec 2007
Age: 57
Gender: Female
Posts: 275

28 Jan 2008, 3:18 pm

I actually knew my friend had it a long time before I said anything to him about it. I asked about it in Dec. and he was diagnosed at the first of January. At first he didn't even know what it was. I didn't think or neither did I want it to change him. I wanted to gather information on how to relate to him better. The diagnoses for him explained his childhood to present. The diagnoses for me just made me care about him more.


_________________
Cassandra Lou

What's normal anyway?


HowlingWolf
Butterfly
Butterfly

User avatar

Joined: 19 Oct 2007
Gender: Female
Posts: 13

28 Jan 2008, 4:31 pm

You're welcome.



Last edited by HowlingWolf on 30 Jan 2008, 7:51 pm, edited 1 time in total.

sands
Toucan
Toucan

User avatar

Joined: 2 Dec 2007
Age: 57
Gender: Female
Posts: 275

28 Jan 2008, 6:15 pm

HowlingWolf I don't mind telling you the things that made me realize he had Aspergers, but first I need to tell you that I have worked with disabed teenagers including ones with autism for six years. Maybe that could of had something to do with me feeling he had it I'm not sure. Then I need to add to this that I in no way have any disillusions that his brain will somehow rewire itself. Actually it's safe to say that several of the characteristics that he has because of Aspergers is what I find so attractive about him. I also do not support several other web sites that portray men with Aspergers as walking robots with no feelings. These websites hurt relationships whether they are intimate or friendships. The latter is what I have with my friend at this time and that is his choice. He has been hurt many times by people in the past and he fears being hurt again. I have faith that God will heal these hurt.

These are just things I experienced and related to Aspergers.

He's highly intelligent and when he uses words you can be sure they are used as exact meanings.
Flirting is not the way to go with him. He doesn't understand it and will actually say it makes him feel uncomfortable and he doesn't know how to react.
When describing himself he uses words like "emotional shipwreck" or he will say he is not "emotionally equipped."
He will put you to the side of him as to avoid eye contact. Which both hurts and burns him at the same time.
He's honest to a fault.
He rarely gives complements, but when he does you can be sure he means them. They are under the lines of "you are so sensible, you are a good person, you are so smart" (I might add here that I had much rather hear one of these things from him than a neurotypical males best come-on lines.)
He doesn't chit chat well. After the normal greetings he has trouble keeping a conversation going.
He has certain rituals that he does.
He will return phone calls if he has to, but he will also drive miles to get somewhere to email you if he knows you miss him.
He realizes that I do miss him and when he is going to be gone for any length of time, he will start adding it to conversations weeks in advance. (This is done purely for me. He wants me to be use to the idea and therefore not miss him.)
He's very articulate in emails. This gives him a chance to read something and then take how ever long he needs to be able to respond.
He's a workaholic. Always early and always leaves late. It's part of his special interests, so it works.
He requires huge amounts of alone time.
He gets almost into a panic when I go around him.
He is impossible to get to go to a social situation. (This is okay by me since I don't like the social dance either.)
He is not comfortable in his own skin.
He prefers t-shirts to all other clothes.
He has few close friends and the ones he does have are ones he's known for a very long time.
He has trust issues. (I think this stims from past treatment by others.) When he does let you in he's a friend for life though.)

I knew when I asked him did he have it if he didn't know what it was he would look it up and he did by the next day. He scheduled an appointment and was diagnosed about two or three weeks after he first looked it up. I hope this helps you and I hope you will take the time needed to learn to communicate with your boyfriend. Aspergers can be a blessing!


_________________
Cassandra Lou

What's normal anyway?


heyley
Butterfly
Butterfly

User avatar

Joined: 27 Jan 2008
Age: 40
Gender: Female
Posts: 14

28 Jan 2008, 6:52 pm

hey, howling wolf....I didn't see your story below )= but I was going to ask if your boyfriend seems to have the same problems that mine does? My boyfriend doesn't really sound like Sands' description of her friend...but I've heard they are all different. I wonder what else it could be? I know he was like this when he was very young, wanting to play by himself...feeling different, so it's not a thing that suddenly came about or then one that can be changed with simple behavioral strategies...



LVBen
Toucan
Toucan

User avatar

Joined: 7 Jan 2008
Age: 43
Gender: Male
Posts: 257

28 Jan 2008, 7:35 pm

heyley wrote:
by the way, do you HAVE to have the abnormal eye contact thing or other similar things to that in order to have some form of aspergers?


No! Absolutely not! Many socials things that do not come naturally to us can be learned by other means. My parents worked very hard to teach how I am supposed to act, which included things like when to say "thank you" and that I need to look at people in the eyes when I talk to them, though, I had to learn on my own that I was not supposed to stare, and there are many other social mannerisms that I've learned and others that I am working on still. I still do things like cross my arms and smile at weird times that send people the wrong signals.

From your description, I would say that it sounds like he does have AS, but you might have to talk to him to be more certain. A person can do all of those things and not have AS. If a person has AS, their brain will actually work differently than NTs in regards to social interaction. As an adult, without getting his brain scanned, he is pretty much the only one that will be able to tell you that his brain works differently. Even psychiatrists can sometimes have a hard time diagnosing someone with AS.



Spam-I-Am
Tufted Titmouse
Tufted Titmouse

User avatar

Joined: 14 Oct 2010
Age: 42
Gender: Male
Posts: 30
Location: Atop a Giant Blue Ball hovering through Space

17 Mar 2011, 11:59 am

Wow, when you described your boyfriend, it felt almost as if you were talking about me. I have a very mild form of Aspergers. I know that I am very brilliant. I am a master of words, and I am constantly able to throw things into a conversation that have double and even triple meanings. I am also bilingual, and I can spell perfectly in both English and Spanish. I have a mind for history, and I am great at remembering dates. I also went to college and got a degree in engineering. I have a big interest in astronomy, and I am also totally obsessed with Star Wars.

However, just like your boyfriend, I have never really been good at conversation. If you treat conversation as a tennis match, then you can say that I have never been real good at bouncing the ball back and forth. I'd just prefer to hit it once and be done with it. I find making eye contact with someone is pretty wierd, but since I have learned that most people really dig that sort of thing, I have taught myself to look at people's noses instead. It seems like about 75% of the population is extroverted, meaning that they gain their energy from the outer world of people, places, and things. Introverts though gain their energy from the inner world of thought, and they are perfectly happy living there. Conversation for an introvert can actually be very emotionally draining, and this can be a very difficult concept for an extrovert to understand. The fact that he doesn't engage you in conversation has nothing against you personally; he is just lost in the world of thought. I personally have never felt the importance of expressing emotions, because I have always felt like just feeling them was enough.

Growing up, I have never really fit in, and I have realized that I am just not like other people. I have always felt it kind of stupid to make "small talk" about silly things like people's clothes or the weather outside. I feel like simple observation can help you out in those areas. I have trouble forming friendships though, because I have trouble finding things in common with them. Even though I like being alone most of the time, I always like to have a base of friends to fall back on. Sometimes just knowing that they are around is enough to comfort me. My advice concerning your boyfriend is that you should kind of become like a satellite probe, and you should try to gain specific data concerning what is going on inside his mind. You should hover around in orbit until you have finished objectives. I really think that he wants you to discover what is going on inside him. Once you have collected the proper data, you will then know exactly where to land, and you will discover a world that is wonderful beyond measure.



ntgrl
Snowy Owl
Snowy Owl

User avatar

Joined: 22 Sep 2009
Age: 51
Gender: Female
Posts: 155

19 Mar 2011, 2:52 pm

GrantZilla wrote:
Let me ask you. What would him being diagnosed with AS do for you? It will not change him. Most people are not going to change their ways regardless, and if he does have AS, it's hardwired in.


In his book The Complete Guide to Asperger’s Syndrome, Dr. Attwood says "Clinical and counseling experience suggests that there are three requisites for a successful relationship. The first is that both partners acknowledge the diagnosis. He states "The acceptance of the diagnosis for those with Asperger's syndrome is important in enabling them to recognize their relationship strengths and weaknesses.

"The second requisite is motivation for both partners to change and learn."

"The third requisite is access to relationship counseling, modified to accommodate the profile of abilities of the partner with Aspergers Syndrome and a willingness to implement suggestions from specialists in Asperger's Syndrome, the relevant literature and support groups."

He goes on to state that his description of relationship difficulties and support strategies are based on counseling of adults who did not benefit from a diagnosis in early childhood.

It seems that people who were not diagnosed in childhood often find out when a partner or spouse intuitively knows that there is something different about them and seeks a reason. The other way seems to be when a child is diagnosed with AS that one or both parents may realize that they are also on the autistic spectrum. I think that some people with AS learn coping mechanisms to adapt to day to day life, but in an intimate relationship these coping mechanisms are not as effective.

If Dr. Attwood is correct, then getting a diagnosis greatly increases the odds of a relationship's success because one is necessary to address the issues that are inherent in an AS/NT relationship.

Is he correct? I don’ t know, but if he is then a diagnosis seem really important to relationship success. I’m sure that many people who get involved with someone who has AS but is undiagnosed, don’t really take the time to figure out what is “different” about the person. They don’t care and the relationship ends.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do. I hope things work out for you and your boyfriend.



The_Face_of_Boo
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 16 Jun 2010
Age: 41
Gender: Non-binary
Posts: 32,872
Location: Beirut, Lebanon.

19 Mar 2011, 3:07 pm

None of those members are active anymore.

Ahh....memories.



Grisha
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 15 Oct 2009
Age: 57
Gender: Male
Posts: 8,336
Location: LA-ish

19 Mar 2011, 3:09 pm

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
None of those members are active anymore.

Ahh....memories.


Zombie Thread!

Cooool!



ntgrl
Snowy Owl
Snowy Owl

User avatar

Joined: 22 Sep 2009
Age: 51
Gender: Female
Posts: 155

19 Mar 2011, 4:43 pm

I really really really need to start looking at the date of the OP and not the most recent reply! Second time this has happened to me!! Ugh :roll:



Grisha
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 15 Oct 2009
Age: 57
Gender: Male
Posts: 8,336
Location: LA-ish

19 Mar 2011, 11:21 pm

ntgrl wrote:
I really really really need to start looking at the date of the OP and not the most recent reply! Second time this has happened to me!! Ugh :roll:


Well it's actually good netiquette to search for a relevent thread before starting a new one if you have a specific question, but in these cases I think it's better to start a new thread...



Chronos
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 22 Apr 2010
Age: 44
Gender: Female
Posts: 8,698

20 Mar 2011, 6:10 am

Your boyfriend sounds like he has some traits that are not uncommon of AS but it's hard to say one way or another. Playing video games a lot is not really a trait of AS. If a person with AS likes video games, they may play them a lot, but so might a person without AS who likes video games.

Concerning the communication issue, communication is certainly something that can be improved upon in a relationship, but both parties need to acknowledge in some way that there is a communication issue that needs to be worked on. Ultimately though, two people might just have incompatible communication styles, and neurologically based communication abilities.

You might be able to get a partner to communicate pertinent information sufficiently, however they may still not be able to converse in a manner that is to your liking.



Justifine
Hummingbird
Hummingbird

User avatar

Joined: 26 Aug 2010
Age: 44
Gender: Female
Posts: 19

18 Jun 2011, 9:50 pm

::In his book The Complete Guide to Asperger’s Syndrome, Dr. Attwood says "Clinical and counseling experience suggests that there are three requisites for a successful relationship. The first is that both partners acknowledge the diagnosis. He states "The acceptance of the diagnosis for those with Asperger's syndrome is important in enabling them to recognize their relationship strengths and weaknesses.

"The second requisite is motivation for both partners to change and learn."

"The third requisite is access to relationship counseling, modified to accommodate the profile of abilities of the partner with Aspergers Syndrome and a willingness to implement suggestions from specialists in Asperger's Syndrome, the relevant literature and support groups." ::

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I can't stress how important the above is. I had an AS boyfriend and the relationship ended largely due to the reasons above. This person was unwilling to be truthful about his reality, was not motivated or inclined whatsoever go change or grow in any direction and certainly not with me, and was obviously averse to any sort of counseling. I really cared for him and tried as best as I could to be an understanding loving person, but when you don't even know what your partner is dealing with and they refuse to be honest with you and continue spinning lies, mistruths, and deception to cover up what's really going on, they are bound to loose your respect and your love and frankly, someone who lies to their partner doesn't deserve that relationship. As a result, he lost me forever and while I know he regrets it, I don't. I can't be with someone I can't trust and respect, those are the tenets a relationship is based on.

If there is one nugget I can impart to someone with AS, it's DON'T LIE about your situation. I understand why you wouldn't tell someone on a first date, but as the relationship progresses, I can assure you that it isn't something you can hide. Your partner will know something is peculiar and won't know how to internalize it and will take your words and actions personal if they don't understand where you are coming from or what you are struggling with and it's a major slap in the face to the person who has chosen to be with you. A partner deserves honesty and a partner that can level with them and open up. Whether you have AS or not, relationships can be scary, and taking certain leaps of faith aren't easy for anyone. But someone can't truly love you if you don't let them see all that you are and being deceitful is only going to arouse antagonism and hurt in those around you. AS isn't easy for you, and it's not easy for us either, which is why building a bridge to understanding is so important. You have to be willing to give others a chance to get to know you, just as you want them to do the same.