Does My Boyfriend Have Asperger's??

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heyley
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28 Jan 2008, 2:01 am

I know this may be weird, but I’ve been studying autism and happened upon some asperger's syndrome information just recently. The thing is, I almost think my boyfriend (who is 30 years old just in case that might matter...) may have some very mild form of it. I have read all the diagnostic criteria, and am not sure he fits in perfectly, but that is hard to diagnose since I’m not an expert nor am I a professional. I was hoping someone might read this and tell me what they think, or point me in a better direction. Again, I am not sure if this is just some personality problem, or something bigger…but I swear he has some social problems…whether it is aspergers or not.

It all started with his being unable to communicate, and it causing huge problems in our relationship, and then I started seeing other things that were related...and then I happened upon the asperger's information....here we go: He told me he liked to be alone as a child, and hates looking back to his school years because he never fit in and didn't have friends really...said he always felt different. He doesn’t participate in much two way conversing: I ask him questions he answers and has lots to say because he knows a lot of information, (He is fantastically brilliant and has the most amazing detailed memory, and remembers the most insignificant details, and knows WAY too many words.) but once he is done talking, it’s like it’s over…he doesn’t engage me. He rarely asks questions to others, and is seemingly in his own world a lot, sometimes he can just go on and on about a topic too…and although it is not a particularly strange topic, I think he forgets he’s having a two way conversation.

He plays lots of video games and is borderline obsessed with star wars and things like such (he knows everything about star wars…EVERYTHING). He has a very hard time expressing emotions and will spend much time quietly thinking of how to articulate himself when it comes to self-expressing…and usually gets really frustrated that he can't..he however has no problem verbalizing information or opinions….and he can write his feelings much more clearly. He cannot have deep meaningful conversations, although he is a deep meaningful man…he also often just assumes I understand him without talking. He cannot share his feelings, and therefore can’t really empathize when I share mine. It’s almost like he expects me to do what he does: just talk for a while and then be done and change subject…no conversing, just talking AT someone. He is diagnosed with bipolar disorder, but I am not so sure that is correct. He says he is moody, but I rarely see the mood changes…I do however see how isolated he feels, and it seems he has always felt very different from everyone, which makes him isolate himself even more…he even lives in a place that is completely away from everyone, and although he likes being with people at times, they are not deep friendships and usually revolve around star wars games and such, with friends who like the same things and know about the same things.

Maybe this sounds nothing like asperger's syndrome...but his inability to empathize verbally (i think he does empathize inside, just can't express it) and his inability to communicate is keeping us, and keeping him, from having a healthy lasting relationship. sigh...thanks so much for reading this...good luck to you as well.



gwenevyn
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28 Jan 2008, 2:45 am

It is pretty common that people with AS are misdiagnosed with Bipolar Disorder (or have both).

As for the rest... what I'll stress to you is don't expect AS to solve anything, even if it ends up that he has it. Many men whose partners recognize AS symptoms first are not delighted to hear of it, for one. Secondly, in terms of your relationship, while having an explanation for odd behavior can be emotionally satisfying, it doesn't actually help anything improve. My advice is spend some time browsing the forums and perhaps asking for suggestions with specific problems, one by one. Keep in mind also that if he is happy being the way he is, he is not going to be drawn to the idea of changing and communicating on your terms. If you're lucky, he will wish to make some concessions, just as (I presume) you do. However, because he does not see the world in the same way as you, he may not understand why one would want that type of intimacy, and may have great difficulty understanding (and predicting) your needs. I would not recommend making a project out of improving/changing the communication style of anybody with AS, unless that individual has decided for himself that this is what he wants you to do.

Oh, and welcome to WP! :)


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TheFace
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28 Jan 2008, 2:51 am

I guess the only thing my AS diagnosis did for me was put my mind at ease.... I always spent time wondering why I thought I was so different and alone.


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heyley
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28 Jan 2008, 3:06 am

Thank you so much for your response gwenevyn...I realized while writing the initial post that it might sound like a diagnosis would fix everything...I really only want to understand what is going on, and go about it in an appropriate manner. He has currently decided to get therapy since his habit of clinging onto isolation is keeping us from getting close, so I know he wants to change, but if his isolation is due to aspergers, than expectations and steps will have to change...and, I too have to know what I am getting into. We are a fairly new relationship, and if there is no hope of anything changing, I would need to know. I am also mostly hoping that someone will tell me if the things I have described do sound like an adult with some form of aspergers..He is very intelligent, so I might wonder if he was able to cover up or make up for his weaknesses in using his strengths...therefore making it hard to diagnose. Anyway, do these things I have described sound like aspergers? Any further information would be greatly appreciated, although I know you have taken time already to help me out!

Thanks.



gwenevyn
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28 Jan 2008, 3:13 am

Sorry, I guess I got a bit sidetracked before. ^_^

It sounds like textbook AS to me, but it's hard to say without actually being that person. I'd recommend looking up some of what Tony Attwood has written. He seems to have a keen understanding of the most important markers of AS. One of the things he stresses is that if an individual has no instinct about where to focus one's eyes during conversation, or must memorize "right things to say", AS is likely. I am over-simplifying though and I can't seem to locate the article I had in mind.


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heyley
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28 Jan 2008, 3:16 am

he has no problem with the eye contact thing, and no body positioning problems...he actually has really good nonverbal cues...just not so much verbal...although I wonder if you can learn the nonverbal more easily? thanks so much again, you are helping me tremendously.



gwenevyn
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28 Jan 2008, 3:34 am

Could you just ask him, or might it cause a problem? Sometimes adults with AS who have gone undiagnosed have developed a variety of coping strategies and it is nearly impossible to guess that they struggle, from the outside. I know a man who is over fifty and AS but it really doesn't matter because he has coped fine and is very successful in all areas of life, by just about anybody's measure. Nobody would guess that he had struggled with this sort of thing. People like that can be very good at acting because they are acting every day, just to look normal in conversations and out and about.


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heyley
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28 Jan 2008, 3:55 am

I'm a little weary to do that until I have more evidence...i mean, what if i'm just the crazy one and then i've put all this pressure on him? telling him something like that will create major distress within him, so i'd rather wait till I have a little more to go off of. Plus, we just had this big discussion about getting help for his lack of being able to open up and isolating himself, and then I'd just come to him with this? i'd be overloading him with all these things that are wrong with him... I can think of a way to ask in some underhanded way...but who knows if that will pull it off. Anyway, good advice, just wonder if I can do it...thanks though of course!



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28 Jan 2008, 3:57 am

gwenevyn wrote:
Could you just ask him, or might it cause a problem? Sometimes adults with AS who have gone undiagnosed have developed a variety of coping strategies and it is nearly impossible to guess that they struggle, from the outside. I know a man who is over fifty and AS but it really doesn't matter because he has coped fine and is very successful in all areas of life, by just about anybody's measure. Nobody would guess that he had struggled with this sort of thing. People like that can be very good at acting because they are acting every day, just to look normal in conversations and out and about.


I've learned to look at peoples nose, it makes them think I'm giving them eye contact.


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heyley
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28 Jan 2008, 3:57 am

by the way, do you HAVE to have the abnormal eye contact thing or other similar things to that in order to have some form of aspergers?



GrantZilla
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28 Jan 2008, 4:07 am

Why is it that I'm constantly seeing women coming on here thinking their boyfriend has AS and have made a diagnoses themselves.

If you try hard enough, you could stretch almost anyone into fitting into AS because it's so broad.

I will say this, if your wondering if you can change him, forget it. This is who he is, and you're going to have to decide if you can live with that or not. Even if he was disagnosed with AS, as a poster said, not going to change anything really.



Last edited by GrantZilla on 28 Jan 2008, 4:11 am, edited 1 time in total.

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28 Jan 2008, 4:09 am

heyley wrote:
by the way, do you HAVE to have the abnormal eye contact thing or other similar things to that in order to have some form of aspergers?


There are diagnostic criteria, however I dont know exactly what they are.

I'm assuming there however is no absolute criteria that you have to match all of inorder to tell if someone has Aspergers, as were all different and may have learned to cope during our lives in different ways.


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heyley
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28 Jan 2008, 4:11 am

hi, i appreciate your response, but it's not because we can no longer communicate...it's because he never could...with anyone. Since I have known him I have felt there was something wrong, but I kept making excuses for him because I loved so much about him...I am now in love with him and the pieces are finally falling together the more I am around him. He may not have aspergers as I said, but it's not a simple communication problem...maybe it's the bipolar disorder, or maybe it's something else...but it's not simply communication.



heyley
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28 Jan 2008, 4:15 am

furthermore, I would never make a diagnosis...I am simply gathering some information and taking simple steps. if it seems likely that he "could" have it, we would together find several people to go to who could make a diagnosis.


(ps thanks theface for the information...unfortunately you are right and the diagnostic criteria is hard to dechipher!)



GrantZilla
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28 Jan 2008, 4:20 am

Let me ask you. What would him being diagnosed with AS do for you? It will not change him. Most people are not going to change their ways regardless, and if he does have AS, it's hardwired in.

I can say, if he can't communicate to your liking, it's not going to work, even if you love him. Communication is the key to any relationship. Some people can deal with it, some can't.



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28 Jan 2008, 12:56 pm

GrantZilla wrote: "Why is it that I'm constantly seeing women coming on here thinking their boyfriend has AS and have made a diagnoses themselves."

Well, since AS is only a recent diagnosis, I would think there would be a fair number of undiagnosed guys out there. As their intimate partner, a girlfriend is in a good position to notice when someone is a little bit different...To me, it's natural to want to know what's going on, especially if this is a person you're considering spending your life with.

GrantZilla wrote: "Let me ask you. What would him being diagnosed with AS do for you? It will not change him. Most people are not going to change their ways regardless, and if he does have AS, it's hardwired in.

I can say, if he can't communicate to your liking, it's not going to work, even if you love him. Communication is the key to any relationship. Some people can deal with it, some can't."

To me, this is not about changing him. It's about understanding him, just as I'd want him to try to understand me. To me, there's a vast difference between someone who doesn't always readily recognize what I need, and someone who sees what I need and choses to ignore it. In the first instance, it's not that my partner doesn't care, it's that he doesn't know. I can make myself more clear.

You are so right that communication is key, but if there are differences in communication, I think it's helpful to know about them. It's like the situation of one partner not being fluent in the other's language, or one partner having a hearing loss. If both partners know this is the case, they know they'll each have to work a little harder to communicate. If my partner has a hearing loss and I don't know about it, I can scream my head off when he's in the back room, all to no avail. Getting angry at him for not responding when he didn't even hear me. If I know about the hearing loss, I just walk down the hall to the back room and save us both a misunderstanding.

Just my thoughts. This topic is relevant in my life now, so I'd love to hear what other's think.