Mixed signals

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I just found out that a dear friend of mine is aspie. He is a brilliant musician and works very hard. He is in his late 30's and has never been in a serious relationship with a female before. He knows how I feel about him and at times he is very responsive to it and other times he is not.

He will tell me that we are great friends and then next week we are boyfriend/girlfriend and then change his mind again. I understand that he is new to the idea of a serious relantionship. I also know he has a hard time expressing his feelings. He has told me he loves but just the other day he says that he loves me sometimes but not everyday. Now that is a bit hard for me to understand.

I want nothing more then to work with him to help our relationship work, but I need to understand how to try and make him comfortable with this new emotional experience he is having.

He very much has his routine if you will and will include me into it when he is in the mood. Sometimes he can be very mean and say things that are very hurtful and does not remember them later. I dare say he also has a drinking problem and is not on medication. To be honest I do not even know if he or his family realizes he has aspie or not.

Thank you
Tae

Needed a vent, huh?

It sounds to me that your friend could have depression or the like, that would explain his mood swings - his AS may not be the problem so much. You also may simply need to be patient with him and practice a lot of tolerance/understanding.

Hi Tae,

How do you feel about him? (You haven't quite told us!) and out of interest, what words (exactly) do you tend to use when you tell him this?



Some of us have trouble understanding what is expected of us in a 'relationship' (ie what makes it distinct from a very close friendship - hence the confusion) and if you want to be in a relationship with an aspie you generally have to spell out what you want in the clearest of language (remember - body language just confuses us) but without making him feel under pressure... (I know, that's not so easy).



What kind of drinking problem do you think he has? Will he drink on a regular basis or just to excess in certain situations? if he only drinks on the weekends, can you make it clear that you would rather not be around him when he is like that?

You say he is not on any medication, what medication do you think would help, are you talking about something for his drinking? Does he have a formal AS diagnosis? If so, it is strange then that his family do not seem to know about this. Sometimes people can know about Aspergers and still not want to read up on it.... I think that is rather a shame

I'm female dx'd AS, and think I've given mixed signals throughout my life in part because I genuinely have mixed feelings-so I don't convey a single choice/want, since I'm conflicted. Especially in something that takes as much guesswork as a relationship.
Also, I have off & on feelings (not under my control or own will, it just happens) towards people. One day (or hour) I'll feel very positive towards someone, later I'll feel very negatively towards same person. I'm not "borderline personality", but I do this sort of "splitting"-seeing person as either all bad or all good (rather than being able to hold together in mind the averaged-over-time totality of a person & therefore moderate my reaction). It's not by choice, it's how the "emotional weather" in my brain shifts.
At least I've learned to recognize this in myself, even if I can't simplify/resolve it. You could ask your friend if he knows that he does this, expresses things that seem contradictory & hard to decode-it's a start.

That's a tough situation, if alcohol is contributor to his behavior. Haven't any advice, am having hard time myself dealing with my alcoholic father who says awful stuff to me on phone then has no recollection of it later. Really messes my head up...

I can understand that, but I doubt I would be quite so flaky. I never understood this whole loving someone the same everyday anyway. I doubt most people feel the same about somebody every single day, it is going to change with mood. The main thing is you like the person overall.

How much do you want this to work? Have you consider that you might have to meet him half way. How do you feel about having an unusual relationship where you spend part of the time together?

I can't understand you wanting to get involved in his interest. Sometimes that is welcome, but disruption of routines is something that causes problem with ASD. Do you need to be involved all the time? If he is content doing he thing maybe you should ask him where you fit into his relationship and then decide if that is for you. Ask him what makes him love you less.

Also although many of us are sexual, some may be asexual or have intimacy issues and/or don't like being touched.

Sepie-

OK in general I love the guy very much. I have told him in direct words that I love him, and understand if he didn't feel the same and may never. He asked me how do I love him and it threw me "how do I love him?" I explained the best I could how and why but not overly so, so not to make him feel uncomfortable. He has told me he loves me too about three weeks later.

I understand what you are saying about spelling it out clearly what I expect without pressure. I made that mistake a couple times and he refused to talk to me for two weeks and it was confusing to me. But, I realized if I am direct but not pushy things are fine.

He does have a drinking problem. On his days off from work he will start drinking from the time he wakes up, which could be 6AM to 1PM and drink until he his about to pass out and then does it all over again until 2-3AM. I have had to put him to bed a few times. He drinks beer.

He is not on any medication and as far as I know he was never on any. But, he doesn't like to talk about it. He says it is a very personal topic and rude for me to ask. I drop it and wait for him to tell me. I do not know if his family knows, cares or are denial about it. So, I don't know.. which I know doesn't help.sorry

Please excuse me for hot using quotes from your reply. I am doing this from a hotel and I don't know how thise computer works here.

I thank you for your help and honesty. I just really don't want to hurt him, but I really do care so much for him. Thanks again!
Tae

His drinking does not help.. yet at times his drinking makes him less verbally abusive..if that makes any sense? He can at times remember the things he says and does, sometimes he asks me what was said and I calmly repeat it..but when he doesn't remember he sticks to he never said it and if he did he didn't mean it. It does mess with your head, but I find that asking if he meant it (which irritates him) is better then taking something personal that wasn't meant to be taken in that way.

My other concern with his drinking is that he had an oooppps if you will and injured himself pretty bad. He was walking home from the bar he lives close to and slipped or something and had to have stitches on the back of his head and he fractured his hand and bruised his back really bad. I also found out that he has panic attacks or seizures sometimes, I have not witnessed one yet and some of his friends believe his drinking may contribute to it. I am moving to his area in the next few months, which is another reason I am glad I found this board. I really care about him.

Last week, he said I could only hang out with him for an hour, which was fine with me..whatever makes him happy and as long as I get some time with him. He changed his mind and didn't want me to go home at all and then he wanted us to spend time together the next day and most of the night. But come the following day, he says I am disrupting his life and I backed off and am now waiting for him to call on me.

I am understanding he is a creature of habit and does things his own way in his own time. But now my friends/family are concerned that I may suffer emotional from this. Yes sometimes it hurts, I am new to this, but willing to make the effort to learn, understand and be there for him because he is so wonderful.

I am sorry about your father, it is not easy..just don't let it get to you..easier said then done..but..
Tae

I really want this to work. Let's just say I am willing to move from the USA to his country and give up everything that I know and own to be near him.

I would love to meet him half way. I have been trying to communicate that with him. He admits that he has never been in a serious relationship with anyone before. He says he finds me fascinating and his very attracked to me and the physical relationship is not a problem, though he can get paranoid worrying that I may get pregnant, but I use every precaution I know of and he knows it.

No I do not need to be involved with him all the time..come on..I have my own life as well. No, he will ask me to meet him sometwhere and I do and sometimes he get frustarted and says no he didn't ask me and I am intruding and messing up his routine.. I admit I snapped at him once because I was not only looking forward to see him (it has been a week since we last got together) but how nasty he was when he said it. I'm learning..I admit that was not a good thing to do, but he did apologize for being nasty.

I will follow your advice about asking him what makes him love me less, although I already have a good idea what things I ask that annoy him. And ask where I can fit in or do I.

I am still doing reseach here and I have not come across anything yet about aspies talking to themselves or people who are not there..which is something he does do and most of the time he is very angry, frustrated and will start to cry when he talks to them..I leave him be when he does this, because I don't know if I should try and get him to talk to me about what is going on or what. He has on one occassion talked to whomever (there is more then one) and he started to cry and he looked over at me and came to me and let me hold him. But, he was quite embarrassed after and said he didn't mean to loose it. I barely make out words he says because he doesn't speak loud enough for me to hear. I have caught him saying his own name repeatedly a few times while talking to whomever.

Let's me just say..I really do want to understand and be good for him. I want it to work between us, if he does. I love him. He has taken my heart and I don't want it back. I will do whatever it takes. He makes me feel like I can do anything and that was before I knew about him. He makes me see the world in a whole new way, positive. I know it will not be easy and like I stated in my last post..my friends/family and even his friends are worried about my emotional state with this. Can I deal with a part time relationship? I believe I can, because I know if he is really interested in me and wants a relationship with me, he will come to me when he is ready and I will just have to be patient, be postive and know he is so worth it.

I thank you all so much for responding and helping and I hope I can return the favor someday. It means a lot!
Tae

Taewolf, will you tell us why women put the burden on men to make the first move and/or why you ladies only flirt with guys you're not actually interested in?

hi tae,

do you have any 'alllies' within his family or even one of his friends (and it is so tough doing this without him thinking that you are 'meddling') but with the gentlest of probing you may well find that they share your worries or know something else about the situation that you do not.

other than that, i don't know what else you can do.

whatever happens, i hope that you look after yourself as it is easy to run ourselves dry sometimes without even realising.

i hope that you have found WP of somehelp and wish you luck. s x

Well now there is an age old question. You would think that this day and age women would be willing and able to make the first move. But in my opinion it all comes down to how we are made. Meaning, even though we are in the 21st century we still have our "caveman" ideas genetically instill in us.

I will have you know dear, that I was the one to make the first move on my friend and he was a bit shocked by it. So, there are some women out there that will make the first move.

As for your second question. Not all ladies flirt with guys they are not interested in. The ones that do usually suffer from insecurity and some are just heartless. So please do not think we are ALL the same. We are not.

Just don't give up and be confident. I hope that helped.
Tae

It is by his friends that I learned about it. They are concerned about his drinking and his isolation. However, they have all but given up. They call me a saint for wanting to help and be there for him and for loving him and yet they (excuse me langauge here) damn me as well thinking I am going to end up a basketcase and my heart will be torn to shreds.

Let me say how that upsets me, that even people who have known him for 20yrs give or take (male friends) just give up. I asked them "Does he deserve to be loved?" They say yes and I said "Well he is, now why not give us some support and stop being negative." It is frustrating and I admire those who hang in there and give their best. I have not yet had the pleasure of meeting his family. I do know that they are overprotecive of him and in some ways find me.. not a threat... but they fear I will interfere with his career, which is not the case. I support everything that he does. They also fear I am a distraction from his career which is not the case. We have been together 5 months and he has not had any problems with work. He knows his job and he does well. I think they are just worried that I am someone who doesn't understand what is going on. I truly hope they will be pleased to know I do know and I can handle it.

Yes, he does think I am "meddling" when I talk to his friends. He claims he doesn't want any trash talk about him.

One of my friends thinks that maybe he is ashamed of his condition and that is why he doesn't talk about it. She also thinks he drinks because he has some underline issues. She has told me if I love him, be patient, hang in there and not to listen to people to tell me to run.

I am grateful for this board. I have learned a lot and still have a lot to learn. I will look after myself. Thank you!!
Tae

Well you definitely do need to be patient. Also I wouldn't up sticks and move yet.

ok I'm not really sure what this is could be Schizotypy??? Does he realise these people are not real? I do go through role playing situation in private but I realise it is not real. Do he talk irrationally? By irrational I'm not talking opinion or frustration more things that make completely no sense have little relation to the reality of the subject. Does he become paranoid about other people, or these imaginary people he's talking to?

NEXT

Okay, I am glad someone else said it.

Girl, there are lots of guys out there. There's no reason to waste precious time on someone who gives you this much grief and won't even talk about it. You seem pretty determined to stay there and so be it. I don't mean to sound insensitive, but if I could live my life over again, I wouldn't stay two days with somebody who did stuff I hated.

schizotype...been wondering if maybe he may not be Aspie myself. Does he realize the people he talks to aren't real?? Not sure. I kind of think that maybe he is role playing..taking out frustration maybe..acting out a situation he couldn't handle or will handle later..you know what I mean? He doesn't get paranoid of the imaginary people. He is cautious of people. He doesn't like people to stand too close to him. He doesn't like being touched when he is sober. He has not shown any sign of being paranoid with people.

How do I get him to talk to me about this? If he doesn't know or acknowledge his aspie what do I do? I really don't want to make him feel uncomfrotable or anything.

Thanks for your helps
Tae