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autisticstar
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26 Mar 2008, 2:00 pm

To the original poster,

I know exactly what you mean. At least you have a husband so you're not looking for men now. I will turn 38 pretty soon so I am rapidly closing in on 40 myself. I had to give up doing silly things and giggling because it was just ridiculous to be my age and act like that. I am much more mature than 15 mentally however. In terms of looks I would say that I was considered pretty when I was much younger but I was never considered "hot" in the way that someone like Paris Hilton is considered to be. I was very much overweight from my late twenties until relatively recently; I've lost almost 40 pounds and still have about 60 more pounds to go. So in a way being overweight for a number of years meant that I became accustomed to not getting attention from men. But I think it's more than just the lack of male attention that scares me. I think it's the negative stereotypes of older women that depress me, particularly the "old maid" stereotypes as I have never been married. I have had boyfriends and dated but nothing ever worked out in terms of resulting in a marriage. I did get asked out recently from a man from church but this is a relatively new development so it remains to be seen as to what will happen with him in terms of dating.

I think the media has a lot to do with the way older women are perceived in American society. There are very few positive images of older women in the media. Some years ago there was a show called "The Golden Girls" back in the 1980's that showed a group of older women who had style and had lives. As someone pointed out in one of the earlier postings there is obviously a biological factor in terms of youth in a woman being attractive to men. I don't know if you are religious at all or have any religious beliefs. I have found it helpful to find outlets that are not dependent upon one's looks or youth. For example, I do some volunteer work in my spare time and I find it very rewarding. I also like to read in my spare time. Is there a cause that you feel very strongly about? I am involved in a Toastmasters group, which is a club in which people practice speaking in front of other people. It might be helpful to get involved in something like that because it might help you come across in a more mature manner. What kinds of things are you interested in?

There are other qualities besides looks that are attractive to other people. I don't mean just in terms of attracting men; I mean qualities that will make you an enjoyable person to be around. As I have gotten older there have been some positive developments in my life. I have adopted an overall much more positive outlook on life and am now much more upbeat and pleasant to be around than when I was younger. I was very negative and complained a lot when I was in my twenties. I have rediscovered spirituality and have gotten much more involved in the Church and worked at developing myself both spiritually and intellectually. But, yes, I do still very much understand what you are saying. I don't know what your beliefs are in terms of religion and spirituality so I don't know exactly how to advise you. But even if you don't believe in God you can still embrace a spirituality of some sort. Spirituality can simply mean that there is a purpose in life greater than oneself. For me one of the keys is to find ways to contribute to the world around me. I went to visit a friend of mine who is temporarily staying at an assisted living facility since she has Spina Bifida and broke her leg and needed help temporarily. She is not elderly. I talked to some of the other residents there and I do see beauty in older women. It is a different kind of beauty than the type of beauty one sees in a young woman of 20. There is a woman there who is 78 years old and she has this incredible glow about her. She smiles a lot and reaches out to the people around her. There are four seasons during the year and life has its seasons. Each season has a different kind of beauty to it. Fall and winter have their own beauty.

I hope I offered you some encouragement. I can definitely relate to the feeling of being invisible. I watched the movie "10,000 B.C. and they showed the oldest woman being the Wise Woman of the group. I wish our society had roles like that for older women. But ultimately what really matters in the end is living life in a way that is enjoyable for you and making a positive contribution in some way. Feel free to send me a private message if you wish as I am going through the exact same thing right now. I think it's true that a lot of quirks and oddities would be considered cute and charming in a very young woman but would simply come across as weird and inappropriate after a certain age. So I try to contain my silliness. I draw funny cartoons at home and hug stuffed animals at home. I am now working on finding clothing that is neither frumpy nor teenagerish and that is somewhat of a challenge. I think it's important to pay attention to grooming and dressing even more so than when I was younger. A young woman of 19 or 20 could get away with jeans and a ratty t-shirt but it just looks pitiful to many people to look raggedy after a certain age. I have noticed that people take me more seriously when I am nicely dressed and have some make-up on. Presentation is an important factor in determining how one is perceived by others.



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28 Mar 2008, 7:46 pm

I play tennis with some 40 year old + women, and some of those are really hot :P



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29 Mar 2008, 10:51 pm

autisticstar wrote:
I think it's the negative stereotypes of older women that depress me, particularly the "old maid" stereotypes as I have never been married. I have had boyfriends and dated but nothing ever worked out in terms of resulting in a marriage. I did get asked out recently from a man from church but this is a relatively new development so it remains to be seen as to what will happen with him in terms of dating.


Hi Autisticstar, thanks for your reply. Well-said. Just to clarify, my statements about being 'invisible' aren't really related to attracting men - as you said, I'm married, so I technically don't have to worry about it. On another level, though, I do occasionally worry that my husband no longer finds me attractive, especially since I've begun early menopause and it's doing some rather disturbing things to my metabolism and to my figure. I know that my original post may have sounded like I was whining about getting old and unnattractive to some folks, but honestly that wasn't my intention. My concerns fell more along the lines of not being taken seriously anymore because, as you pointed out, society tends to shove older women aside.

I understand what you are talking about in terms of finding 'old maid' stereotypes around. There is a lady I know at work who is close to 70 and has never been married and never even dated anyone. She seems perfectly content with her life, though. In a lot of ways I envy her. I also read somewhere that women who don't have men or any significant others in their lives past 35 tend to have less stress than married or otherwise 'attached' women of the same age. I don't know where I read that, but it's the result of some ten-year study somewhere. I wondered at the time I read it if it was true, considering my seemingly happy coworker. I thnk it has to do with the fact that single women feel they have more control over their lives than married women do. Men tend to dominate the relationship in most cases and often they can be an enormous source of stress and general unhappiness for women. Why this is, I have no idea.

Quote:
I don't know if you are religious at all or have any religious beliefs. I have found it helpful to find outlets that are not dependent upon one's looks or youth. For example, I do some volunteer work in my spare time and I find it very rewarding. I also like to read in my spare time. Is there a cause that you feel very strongly about? I am involved in a Toastmasters group, which is a club in which people practice speaking in front of other people. It might be helpful to get involved in something like that because it might help you come across in a more mature manner. What kinds of things are you interested in?


I agree that the media does show older women in a negative light. I remember Golden Girls and I really liked that show. I also have loved reading books involving older characters, reinforcing the notion that just because one has reached middle age or old age that doesn't mean they still can't have an adventure or romance, etc. I'm a voracious reader and a writer trying to be a published author, so I do have some things to focus on. Someone else here mentioned a Toastmasters club and it seems that there isn't one located in my area. I'm terrible at public speaking -- in fact when I have to speak up in front of other people I end up crying for no particular reason, except maybe fear. I'm not religious, so I haven't been to church in a while. I see what you're saying, though. I agree that I need to do something like you mentioned- volunteer work or something similar that gets me off my duff and in contact with other people again. I suffered from agoraphobia for years during my teens and early 20s, and I got over it for a while. But now it's crept back in and I've suddenly found myself completely alone again in a self-imposed isolation cell.

Quote:
Spirituality can simply mean that there is a purpose in life greater than oneself. For me one of the keys is to find ways to contribute to the world around me. I went to visit a friend of mine who is temporarily staying at an assisted living facility since she has Spina Bifida and broke her leg and needed help temporarily. She is not elderly. I talked to some of the other residents there and I do see beauty in older women. It is a different kind of beauty than the type of beauty one sees in a young woman of 20. There is a woman there who is 78 years old and she has this incredible glow about her. She smiles a lot and reaches out to the people around her. There are four seasons during the year and life has its seasons. Each season has a different kind of beauty to it. Fall and winter have their own beauty.


That is beautiful. I wish I could say the same. I do see the beauty in other people, but because of the AS, it is extremely difficult for me to reach out. It isn't that I don't care for others - I do - I just lack the skills necessary to go about it. I once worked in a battered women's shelter, mainly because I once was in that same situation myself. I did enjoy working with the women but at the same time it was frustrating to me because no matter how many times I talked to them, they still didn't understand that their abusive partners were toxic for them. Eventually I moved away from that sort of work because my inability to read and connect with people began to pose a problem. I have been thinking about doing something in the community along the lines of Adult Literacy programs (teaching illiterate adults to read and write), since I enjoy reading and helping others to do so. I might look into that.

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I hope I offered you some encouragement. I can definitely relate to the feeling of being invisible. I watched the movie "10,000 B.C. and they showed the oldest woman being the Wise Woman of the group. I wish our society had roles like that for older women.


Yes, you have definitely helped. I agree with a lot of what you've said and you make a lot of sense. As far as being 'attractive' to men, honestly it's not a factor for me anymore. I don't dwell on it like I did in my 20's. I'm going through a sort of midlife crisis right now and I guess I'm trying to reassess my life - where I've been and where I'm going from here. It's difficult, especially when I find that at work I'm not taken seriously by anyone because of my weird behavior (I mean who can blame them... really). You seem to have picked up on the fact that I'm casting about for some 'meaning' in my life, and if that's so, you're correct.

Quote:
I think it's true that a lot of quirks and oddities would be considered cute and charming in a very young woman but would simply come across as weird and inappropriate after a certain age. So I try to contain my silliness. I draw funny cartoons at home and hug stuffed animals at home. I am now working on finding clothing that is neither frumpy nor teenagerish and that is somewhat of a challenge. I think it's important to pay attention to grooming and dressing even more so than when I was younger. A young woman of 19 or 20 could get away with jeans and a ratty t-shirt but it just looks pitiful to many people to look raggedy after a certain age. I have noticed that people take me more seriously when I am nicely dressed and have some make-up on. Presentation is an important factor in determining how one is perceived by others.


I agree totally. I'd love to get away with ratty jeans and a rock-n-roll t-shirt like I did at 25, but it's just not possible anymore. Clothing is a challenge. For one thing, I was raised in a very frugal household and even to this day I find it very hard to spend money on 'good' clothes. I end up shopping in thrift stores to hopefully find nice-looking cast-offs that aren't too much out of style. That, and because of my problems with perimenopause, I've suddenly gained 20 lbs and nothing I own fits me anymore. I know I should go to the gym or something, but I'm so tired these days from my health problems that it's hard to get motivated. You're right also that containing silliness is a must. When my cats meow at me, I meow right back at them. "Animal echolalia." If I made animal noises like that at work, they'd call the men with the butterfly nets to come and get me, LOL. I guess all I really want is a life, and you're right, I've got to get out there and DO something, give back to others.

Thank you very much for your reply, a lot of food for thought.

Best wishes,

Jillian


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Mikomi
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30 Mar 2008, 5:25 pm

I feel exactly the same age I did at 18 (I'm 29) and it's really difficult for me to adjust to the idea of turning 30 in two months. I figure age really is little more than a number.


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hartzofspace
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04 Apr 2008, 1:55 am

I am really glad that the OP started this thread. As I begin my second adolescence, ( I once heard a women call menopause that) I veer between resenting the fate that gave me a young girls face and body, and made my health so bad that I can't date, and the desire to hurry and try to do all the things that I have always wanted to because I am more aware of mortality. I have a good older woman friend, who is so accepting of old age and health ailments, while I can never feel comfortable with watching things just fall apart. Just a rant.


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04 Apr 2008, 8:10 pm

hartzofspace wrote:
I am really glad that the OP started this thread. As I begin my second adolescence, ( I once heard a women call menopause that) I veer between resenting the fate that gave me a young girls face and body, and made my health so bad that I can't date, and the desire to hurry and try to do all the things that I have always wanted to because I am more aware of mortality. I have a good older woman friend, who is so accepting of old age and health ailments, while I can never feel comfortable with watching things just fall apart. Just a rant.


Mortality?

My husband's grandmother is coming up on her 106th birthday. She is one of the most beautiful women I have ever met.


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hartzofspace
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04 Apr 2008, 10:20 pm

Pepperfire wrote:
hartzofspace wrote:
I am really glad that the OP started this thread. As I begin my second adolescence, ( I once heard a women call menopause that) I veer between resenting the fate that gave me a young girls face and body, and made my health so bad that I can't date, and the desire to hurry and try to do all the things that I have always wanted to because I am more aware of mortality. I have a good older woman friend, who is so accepting of old age and health ailments, while I can never feel comfortable with watching things just fall apart. Just a rant.


Mortality?

My husband's grandmother is coming up on her 106th birthday. She is one of the most beautiful women I have ever met.


What I meant by mentioning mortality, is that it is common for women to start realizing that they are not going to live forever, once they pass 40. This is more than adequately verified, when close friends start being diagnosed with fatal diseases and dying from them. Also, having a parent on the verge of passing away really brings it home. I am also just more aware of time passing, than I was in my twenties.

It's wonderful that your husband's grandmother lived that long. I happen to have very poor health, and I sincerely hope that I don't live that long! (No offense intended, BTW)


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05 Apr 2008, 2:07 pm

hartzofspace wrote:
Pepperfire wrote:
hartzofspace wrote:
I am really glad that the OP started this thread. As I begin my second adolescence, ( I once heard a women call menopause that) I veer between resenting the fate that gave me a young girls face and body, and made my health so bad that I can't date, and the desire to hurry and try to do all the things that I have always wanted to because I am more aware of mortality. I have a good older woman friend, who is so accepting of old age and health ailments, while I can never feel comfortable with watching things just fall apart. Just a rant.


Mortality?

My husband's grandmother is coming up on her 106th birthday. She is one of the most beautiful women I have ever met.


What I meant by mentioning mortality, is that it is common for women to start realizing that they are not going to live forever, once they pass 40. This is more than adequately verified, when close friends start being diagnosed with fatal diseases and dying from them. Also, having a parent on the verge of passing away really brings it home. I am also just more aware of time passing, than I was in my twenties.

It's wonderful that your husband's grandmother lived that long. I happen to have very poor health, and I sincerely hope that I don't live that long! (No offense intended, BTW)


None taken.

I suppose each of us has a finite amount of time. One thing I think, especially each time my Grandmother-in-law has a birthday is that maybe my time isn't as finite as I originally believed and it gives me an incentive to take better care of myself. It kills me a little each day that I don't work out.


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hartzofspace
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05 Apr 2008, 5:17 pm

8)


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14 Apr 2008, 6:37 pm

I'm 34, and people often tell me i look 26. I feel good about that, but when I tell people that I'm 34 AND have no children they react as if I'm afflicted by some type of curse or something. I guess that in our culture, I'm supposed to make babies and to begin this process no later than my 20's. People also don't think I act like the average 34 year old--- I seem more like a younger woman, but one who DOES tend to her responsibilities. Some people say I'm goofy.
I am glad that I have found a man ( who is rather odd himself) who shares many of my views and accepts me for who I am. I don't want to have to find a mate now, especially now that I am in my 30's--- I can't deny that as I get older, I will become less visible to men in general. Plus, I'm not very good at the whole dating thing--- it's awkward and I have to explain alot, which may make them not want to stay to find out the rest of me.
So yes, I know about some of this. I won't get any younger, but thanks to being the way I am I'll never be completely invisible.



M02
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01 May 2008, 10:04 am

some people seem to have prejudice about age. they only have friends the same age. I like friends of many ages.



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16 May 2008, 5:15 pm

MissConstrue wrote:
Yeah aging sucks b/c some of us never feel "mature". For me, no matter how groomed I was I still felt invisible. I never felt good about myself and yet I'd see this 51 year old lady who was our nurse. She looked great and I don't mean that as in botox. She had a very bright personality and got people's attention left and right. She was real funny and full of happiness. I know this sounds cliche but I think there's a lot to be said about how you feel on the inside and how it radiates to other ppl. I think women need to stop letting society or entertainment tell them what they're suppose to look like and how they're supppose to act. I've seen some of them older women full of youth.
As for me, I'm freaking out. I'm 26 now and still go back to age 18. I can't believe how fast time goes. I still want to enjoy my life old or not. I don't want to feel like I have to be defined by beauty anymore or how I'm suppose to act. I also really don't look forward to anymore birthdays. I just still can't believe it. I feel like I've missed out on so much. I feel like I need to do something insane but what good would that do.
Nice post. I feel the same way. I am 21, almost 22, and I feel like time is going by too fast. I believe one of the ways to "slow it down" is to fill every moment with something enjoyable. What I'd like to do is make a "bucket list" but have it before I reach seniority and for every stage of the rest of my life.



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12 May 2009, 5:02 pm

Rainstorm5 wrote:
One of the hardest things about living life is that you grow older. It's harder when you're a woman, because other people judge you on looks rather than brains. People seemed to listen to me more when I was younger/prettier. Nowadays, rather than being a 'miss' I'm a 'Ma'am,' and I hate it. It's hard to adjust and maybe I'm going through a midlife crisis or something.


well, hello there!

from another end of the world (tiny country on the border of Italy, Austria & Croatia), but funny how alike we all are when it comes to general questions like this, fear of aging and stuff. this topic really pulled my attention.

i'm 36 and turning 37 in a week. but i feel 25 mentally and i still have times when i act irresponsibly and oh so childlishly :oops: . luckily, i either inherited good genes from the gene pool (i'll never know as i'm adopted and don't know about biological parents) or it was a smart investments into all those expensive creams i started to use when i was well under 30 8O LOL - anyway, guys still notice me and generally think i'm at least 5 years younger than my real age.

that does not mean i don't fear aging, however. i was very attractive and so full of life and zest i pulled anyone's attention in my 20's and well into 30's. it was my inner energy, i suppose. but, true, also a perfect skin and good figure. as i reached 35 i noticed that guys don't look so much at me anymore and i started to lose few compliments - it strucked me like hell. i was so used that guys were whistling when i passed by, it really hurt when the frequency went down. i suddenly noticed - maybe a year ago or so - with a surprise and shock - that new generations of the young girls were brought into this world somewhere in between when i was busy admiring myself :wink:

well, i'll have to live with that, eventually: the fading attention from the male population and not being the centre of the universe anymore.

just a few clues before i go:
- i think it has a lot to do with what you think - i think I AM young (just try to persuade me to the contrary!) and so i LOOK young.
- i have a boyfriend 5 years younger than me and he is a DJ 8)
- blame it on my highly stressful job as a free-lance journalist - my curiosity is persistent and i really never had a routine
- i still go to the clubs and raves, techno gigs, etc. - should i stop it just for the sake of someone judging me to be a nagging old lady?! :lol: well, i just won't go to early sleep when i can party all night long!
- i still am a very naughty girl... :twisted: (took my first ecstasy AFTER my 30. b-day)
- a wrinkle here or there won't kill me, as long as i'm healthy
- exercise is a wonderful remedy against aging
- i grew as a person and spiritually and am not so vain any longer.

that's it my ladies, good night and stay 4ever young! :P



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12 May 2009, 10:12 pm

being thirty years along from the age you are, tsunami007,
I am starting to get into crone hood up here in the great Pacific Northwest in the Oregon Country, spry gray haired older women that bicycle and testifies for the state legislature on autism topics- we have our admirers, too. I found to look to a different audience, if you will, that transmits their admiration in mental whistles and tasteful cat calls as behooves the older intellectual man. I figure I am the young one again, the young one in the elder park and it might never happen again that I am considered 'not as old as' and I intend to enjoy being that vibrant younger woman walking the dogs down the beaches catching the catcalls in their eyes.. .

so I have found if I surf the wave of the older generation of each decade I encounter, I never run out of admirers. . . just a technique I developedso I can cope.


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12 May 2009, 10:18 pm

I much prefer being older, except for fitness problems.

I love the anonymity, I never had any when I was young, I'm tall and stand out, I always got stared at ugh, leered at. Now I have more freedom. I never got taken seriously when I was a young woman, people presumed I was an airhead.

Besides, everyone gets more eccentric as they age, including NTs, so you're not the only 'odd' person, plus there's less emphasis on mating/dating.



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20 May 2009, 1:52 am

That kind of sucks. D: I'd be friends with you! You sound cute. I have made friends with a lot of my teachers who are your age or older, I think. And I was great friends with my sister's playmate's mom who loved to play video games. >3< I have friends who are younger than me too. (like 18 ) It's nice to have friends of all ages, I think.

I'm 23 by the way. Last year I told a friend that I was 38 and she believed me. That was kind of hilarious and depressing all at once. But this year someone thought I was 17. Age is really weird like that. People have these ideas about how one age is supposed to look and act, but I keep seeing those conceptions getting totally smashed in all sorts of situations.

But anyway, I've heard a lot of people say that older people who act young are refreshing or inspiring, maybe you actually have more of a positive impact on the people around you than you think! >3< At least, that's how I'm going to try and approach the idea of getting older. Maybe if I think of it that way, other people will see it that way too..
Hopefully. XD;


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